cupowater

Well I had to talk to my SO about another issue that has been on my mind, (what happend if/when he dies before I do) and HE brought up the fact that he thought he drinks too much. So, I told him that he was an alcoholic. He said "But I don't drink at work". So I told him that that dosen't matter, that he drinks X amount of alcohol a DAY and is drinking more and more. I told him that I think he needs rehab and he ADAMETLY disagreed. Said he wouldn't do that! I tld him that I am seeing physical signs that it is effecting him. Then he didn't want to talk about it any more. He didn't drink last night. I think he thinks he can do it on his own cause his brother and father did. We'll see I guess.

FaithChaser

Hey Cupowater,

Not trying to be rude or insensitive here...
If you are worried about him dying before you do, take out a life insurance policy on him. That's what I did and it's just a suggestion. I started having those talks about three years ago in my relationship, I finally figured out that I was beating my head against the wall here. I'm a slow learner.
Someone pointed out to me that everyone has the right to free will, when they drink, where they drink, how much they drink, what time they go to sleep, and whether they pay their bills on time. It's up to them.
I saw a little video tid bit about managers working with employees, it kind of put things in perspective for me, maybe it'll help you. Joe is never late to work and then all of a sudden shows up late one day, said he got stuck in traffic, of course he's never late so manager forgives it. Next day same thing different excuse, Joe does this for five days in a row, different excuses everytime. Everytime the manager forgives it, he talks to him and asks if there is a problem he can help with. Joe says no he won't do it again. Long story short, Joe gets fired. The question at the end of the video is, "Can Joe be late to work?" you hear the audience say a big NO! But the correct answer is, yes, joe has free will and can do whatever he wants, but has to suffer the concequences of his actions himself. It kind of reminded me that I have no control over my ah, he has the choice to hurt himself or not. I have the free will to accept his behavior or move on.
It's amazing that his brother and father have quit being alcoholics on their own, but IMHO, quitting is only part of the problem, it may help with the health issues associated, but does it help with the deeper issues that caused the drinking in the first place?
In my life, I'm not ignoring the problem and I do care deeply what happens to my ah, but I cannot do a darn thing about it no matter how I react to it or how many times I try to talk him into getting help. Only HE can, and he doesn't want to. So, I have to take my focus off of him, put it back on me. I have to contiually look at my motives for my behavior as to why I am doing any specific action. I just know a sure way to make myself miserable is to put any expectations on anyone else.

Giant hugs,
~FaithChaser

cupowater

Hi! No, I don't think you are being rude. Thanks for the example of the story. I wouldn't have brought it up at all, especially in light of the topic of the original conversation we were having. I was going to save a formal Intervention for later. But HE brought it up, so I stated how I felt. I know he is the only one who can stop drinking. I have moved on to detatching the best way that I can, and I kinda told him that. I don't know about the insurance policy though. I don't know how much it would coast, what it would look like if I did it, and even if it is something I could do since we are not married. We ARE each others benificiaries. (sp)
Tonight was his second night of not drinking. An old friend of his called and wanted to come pick him up and go out, but he said no. He didn't go into why he didn't want to go with him, and he invited him to come over tomorrow for a while. He is trying, and I have to give him credit for that. The hard part will come in a couple days. I just hope he dosen't have any bad physical effects from not drinking. Thanks!

cwohio

cup - sounds like he knows he has a problem but the denial of how bad it is is still there. they fool themselves into thinking that they can do it on their own. you're doing a great job of detaching but it's hard to watch when they are right in front of you suffering the effects of the disease.

((cup))

cupowater

Thanks Chris. Yes, its hard. At least I said the "A" word right to his face, and suggested Rehab. I also told him that I would help him. But only if he helps himself. 2 days now since he has had a drink. He is with an old childhood friend right now that he hasn't seen in a while. This friend drinks, but he dosn't usually drink when he goes to his house cause he won't drink and drive. I hope he dosen't today. I'm worried he might want to have one drink away from me because I had called him on it. I'm thinking he won't. I hope he won't!

denny57

Try to keep the focus on you. Do you go to Al-Anon? Do you read the literature?
(())

cupowater

I have gone to a few meetings, but not lately. It's hard to fit them in. I think I get more out of this site and I do read the literature every day and go to a group every other week.