Ayers1995

My H is an A. I've known this for a long time... maybe I ignored it until recently, for fear of losing everything. (the dream life, happy family, 3 kids, good jobs).

There has been someone that took an interest in me, about a year and a half ago, but of course, being married I blew it off. Over the course of time, my AH continued to get worse... and worse. Often I had thought about "what if", but never considered anything. I'd ask my AH to make changes, to stop locking himself in the computer room, looking at porn and getting drunk! Nothing... About 2 months ago, we ran into this person at breakfast, and I went home... I cried.

Since then, I have started looking at my life... what it's worth and the lives of my boys. (We're worth much more than this) And I have had many talks w/ah since then, to quit drinking, that I would not live like this anymore... and he continued to drink. B/C of that I decided it'd be best to plan on leaving.. We've had yet 2 more talks and this time it's been 4 days since he drank, and he's back on his being extremely sweet and supportive kick.

This causes alot of grief for me, b/c of the plans I have in progress. Even though it's been such a long time that we've been playing this game.... I go back to my old way of thinking... have I done enough? Is this the time he's going to change? This must be a codependent thing? Right?

I know this is about taking care of ME and making MY choices; that I can't control his actions... but the depression this throws me into when he's telling me everything I want to hear.....is overwhelming.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Ayers, They operate that way. If you are somewhat ready to go on make sure you are strong enough to go on and go on. Read my thread. Dammit they are our damn it's. They make us feel Damn It. I got this from Standing Strong's Post she gets the damn it credit

ASpouse

I hate this damn addiction and what it does to nice people! I have no advice, no thoughts!

pmaslan

Me too Judy.....

megamysterioso

Yeah- the being nicey nice kick is the worst. This is really the first time that my husband has attempted the nicey nice. He's made promises before but has quickly broken them and been back to his "old routine." Surprisingly, this is the only time he's actually seemed sincere. It's just too late at some point though, isn't it? As sad as it sounds-- just a little too late sometimes!!!!!! How much are we supposed to endure here? My thoughts are with you Ayers and you and your boys do DESERVE MORE THAN WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GETTING.

ASpouse

Mega, alcoholics don't know how to be sincere. It's all part of the sickness.

megamysterioso

Words of wisdom.

ASpouse

I don't know how wise the words are, but I do know that any alcoholic who is recovering and gone through a program will tell you the same.

TexasGirl

Hi Ayers,
Mine does the same thing. Just when I would think that I had really had more than I could handle, he would then hit a "sweet spell" where everything was somewhat normal. Yes, he would still drink, but it wasn't the kind where everything was crazy. So I would back off my plans, feel like maybe I'd been exaggerating it to myself, think my life wasn't so bad after all, and BOOM! Another major incident would arise. Then I would be kicking myself that I hadn't acted before. Just saying I understand...

Ayers1995

Your right Mega, sometimes it is just too late! But even though we might realize it, it sure doesn't make it any easier to cope with, does it?

Asp, I hadn't heard that about Alcoholics and sincerity... this learning process is still all very new to me....

megamysterioso

Yeah Ayers- this learning process is new to me too. I'm not in an official program and am winging it for now. You're right- even though we realize what the "right" thing is to do, it does not make it any easier to deal with.

denny57

It sounds like you have some plans. Why not just keep working on what you may have to do if he returns to drinking? That way if things get intolerable you will be that much farther along. Not sure what your plans are.

Ayers1995

I guess I should keep just moving along. It's just hard on the heart, when they pull out all the cards for guilt. Mine emailed me this morning and said that he had a dream that I told him while he was sleeping that he is a good husband. That ripped my heart out. I will continue to put a little money back at a time, just in case.
I contacted a counselor yesterday, I'm waiting to hear back from her on how much it will cost and such. Every time I've talked to my family dr about things he wanted to put me on depression meds to make it better, but I don't want to medicate myself to make me be able to tolerate my life! I want a life I love. You know what I mean. We'll see... Thanks again for your support.... it's been a rough week.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Ayer LOL LOL I am not LOLing at you but the situation. 1. You got e-mailed I get the text message the sincere loving voicemail the I will never hurt you again my baby..... and the counselor wanted me on the meds I did it and it makes it better but it masks what is going on so you don't react but in not reacting then you are enabling I think well from my perspective I felt like I was enabling. Huh!! Be aware and trust the gut. Trust God's guidance or whatever higher power you believe in that is what tells you the truth. That is the message. Angels are among us!!

denny57

Just keep taking care of yourself first. My doctor only asked once if I wanted meds, which I turned down. Doesn't ask anymore and is very supportive through it all.

When I split with my AH he kept saying "I'm a good man." I told him yes he was, but he had a terrible disease that was also destroying my life. It also broke my heart and I still find it hard to talk about. Every single day I have to remind myself that I am doing what is right and good for me. Hang in there - hope the weekend gets better.

Kahlia

Hi, Ayers...I am not an alcoholic but my mother lived with one my WHOLE life...it affected all the kids in our family. She was depressed and cried a lot. I as a nurse agree that you should stick to your plan so you are that far ahead in case his 'plan" falls through and I am SURE that it will because he is not getting any help...going to AA, professional help etc. You need and DESERVE a good life for you and your children, you say that you met someone that was interested in you? Well that tells me that you have not felt interested in your alcoholic husband..I know why. He makes you feel sick, he makes you repulsed by him. Stay with your plan. You are a very strong woman and you will be able to do whatever you need to when the time comes, if you have to leave, you will, unlike my mother who made every excuse in the book and ended up staying until he died of a massive heart attack and then re-married another alcoholic 8 months later....I moved at 17 years old as did my siblings. We all got counseling later on in life and I have totally disonnected from my Mother. She is very ill and refuses to seek help, blaming us for all her "emotional" abuse?? After my youngest brother passed away at 42 in his sleep and my older brother who is 52 was drunk the morning of the funeral and myself and my husband had driven over 300 miles to attend the funeral and he proceeded to curse us out and yell at the top of his lungs, which we totally ignored, and just got in our car and drove to the funeral home, we after the funeral went back to my Mother's home and told her we were going home...she ask why. WE said we just needed to get home...she again asked why? we again said the same thing. She said she knew that something was wrong and she would find out what it was. I told her that we just needed to leave at that point. The next day she called our home and asked me what had happened and why we had left after the funeral so suddenly. I told her I would prefer NOT to discusss it. She ALREADY knew what had happened as my sister had told her. She kept asking over and over....I finally told her very quietly what my alcoholic brother had done and also at that time my husband had just been diagnosed with an anurysm the size of an orange on the right size of his head...very scary. MY family knew this. As my brother did. During his rampage the day of the funeral he asked "when is that "f.... thing in your head going to burst?" I told my Mother all this. Her response after I told her what happened...remember she asked...was "I don't know what happened, I wasn't there". I had just told her. The reason I am telling you this is because she believed my alcoholic brother. It is called co-dependancy....she had been so used to lies, deciet, etc that even though we were abused verbally and treated this way, it made NO difference because HE was DRUNK and she "helped" him to make things "O.K." This is a very common occurace among women who live with alcoholic men. They tend to make excuses, rationalize their sick behavior even if it hurts them , the children etc. please get out of the situation before it escalates and you are once again hurt by his lies and back stabbing. I am so sad that you are in this position. I watched it all my life and it NEVER got better. They HAVE to want help. YOU cannot help him...he has to help him. I wish you PEACE, I wish you children a life of happiness and love and a life of sober days and peaceful nights....many blessings....Kahlia

Numb

Avers1995

What more can you do? If you are like many codependants (myself included) you have already done everything and tried everything. true there will always be something that you think could have helped. But the only thing you can work on is yourself.

Time will tell, make your plans and think about your boys and what is best for you. I wish you the best of luck.

mushroom

You're doing the classic codependent thing. And it's so hard to let go of the dream. but it's just a dream. Even if you leave, you could go back if he really and truly went into recovery, but be aware that the drinking or dry drunk behavior could come back at any time no matter how well he seems to be doing.

Somehow they know when to back off and act human. It doesn't last. As soon as he senses you've changed your mind about leaving and plan on staying, he'll go back to his old ways. You're depressed because you don't know what the immediate future brings. Stay or go? Risk losing the dream, or risk staying in a life of misery? it's enough to make anyone depressed. When you lose hope for the future, you get depressed. Meds won't help. My dr keeps asking me if I want meds and I keep telling her I do NOT have depression, what I have is a depressing life. Meds won't help that, they'll just dull the pain so I won't have the guts to make the necessary changes.

Put your money together, then give him a list of actions you must see in order to stay, and exactly what actions will be deal breakers. That will help aleviate any guilt or doubt you might feel about either leaving or staying.

In Al Anon they tell us about boiling frogs. If you drop a frog into boiling water, it jumps right out immediately. But if you put a frog in cold water and then turn up the heat, the frog doesn't notice the water getting hot until it's too late. We are the frog and life with an A is a pot of cold water sitting on the stove. It gets worse and worse but you adjust and adjust. Pretty soon you're way beyond where you thought you'd ever be able to tolerate it. And As somehow know exactly how high they can turn up the heat without making you jump out of the pot.

megamysterioso

I've never heard this before. It is really an insightful analogy that just brought me a lot of clarity. Thank you.

warriorprincess

Oh so much of what has been said is making me want to cry my eyes out. I so get what everyone is saying. So much pain. I totally get the anti-depressant thing. Last summer my AH (now one month sober) suggested I take anti-depressants. I told him my life was the problem, and that pills would not change anything. He pushed so much I told him I would go to a psych and leave it in her hands. so i saw the psych, told her my story, and she said, "wow, you are obviously in a lot of pain". she said she thought i was borderline in needing the pills but said i could try them -- she put me on wellbutrin. the first dose didn't work and she upped it. the second dose worked, but my ears were ringing, i was nauseous, and it felt like i was on cruise control, like someone was trying to push my head underwater. the hard things didn't hurt as much, but the the happy times were flat, too. the only good thing is that i lost about 8 lbs! now things are hard again. found out about more financial deception in december and told him i wanted a divorce at the end of january. 3 days later he pulls what i call a "hail mary" and announces he's an alcoholic and that everything happened because he was sick and medicating himself with alcohol. now his month of sobriety is killing me, too, for some reason, and he and our marriage counselor are back at me to get on anti-depressants. now even i am so depressed that i am considering it, though i hate the idea.

i feel so alone. my mother is dead. i have a therapist and we are seeing a couples therapist. i have good friends and family to talk to. but there is still no answer, no justice. i am 38 and feel like i know less than when i was 20. what is wrong with me? is this what love is supposed to be? i thought love would be this shiny, pink thing, but mine looks more like a big mess tied with string and patched with duct tape.

i wish wish wish there was some movie i could watch of my life and pick the ending i want. my husband is basically a good man, and loves me, but the past years i have taken a toll on me -- i feel like a stretched out rubberband.

but what if i get out and it's no better?

i do not like this time in my life...