AHHHH!! Frustrated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
AHHHH!! Frustrated
Please tell me again all the reasons why I should NOT email xabf and tell him completely off!
Sometimes, I'm doing really well and don't think about him at all and other times, I get so PISSED that he just blew me off a couple of months ago and all he said was "I don't have anything else to say to you"
I listened to him so many times when he needed to talk, I supported him to get sober for over a year......I put up with his crap and he just up and says one day "I don't have anything else to say to you".
I'm hurt, I'm pisssed, I know....I'm playing the martyr. BUT, DANGGIT I HATE him for doing this to me. Was he just playing a role for more than a year with me? Every word out of his mouth, his proposal of marriage "when I get sober" to me.,....all the "I love you's" and "all I can think about is you",,,.the way he'd look into my eyes......you can't fake that! You either see something in those eyes or you don't.
Why? he tore out his knee and then just dropped me like a pancake. I know for a fact that it would never ever be the same again. I could not trust him one iota after this, but all I'm asking for is closure. The WORST thing a person can do is walk away and not say why or anything.
I need some understanding of why? I know.......we can't get into their heads cuz they think differently then we do, I was an A.............have been sober for 12,, I've done the work, I never just walked away from someone that I supposedly cared alot about.
Where did he go?
Sometimes, I'm doing really well and don't think about him at all and other times, I get so PISSED that he just blew me off a couple of months ago and all he said was "I don't have anything else to say to you"
I listened to him so many times when he needed to talk, I supported him to get sober for over a year......I put up with his crap and he just up and says one day "I don't have anything else to say to you".
I'm hurt, I'm pisssed, I know....I'm playing the martyr. BUT, DANGGIT I HATE him for doing this to me. Was he just playing a role for more than a year with me? Every word out of his mouth, his proposal of marriage "when I get sober" to me.,....all the "I love you's" and "all I can think about is you",,,.the way he'd look into my eyes......you can't fake that! You either see something in those eyes or you don't.
Why? he tore out his knee and then just dropped me like a pancake. I know for a fact that it would never ever be the same again. I could not trust him one iota after this, but all I'm asking for is closure. The WORST thing a person can do is walk away and not say why or anything.
I need some understanding of why? I know.......we can't get into their heads cuz they think differently then we do, I was an A.............have been sober for 12,, I've done the work, I never just walked away from someone that I supposedly cared alot about.
Where did he go?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
When confronted and I remained calm, the reward of my own actions was much more then I would ever get if I told another off.
It took me going through the proper way of doing things before I could see that the reward was so much greater.
My part (how ever small) I needed to seek recovery for. My side of the street clean is the best I can do. Revenge (telling another off) would just dirty my sidewalk again.
We are truly better off when we do things the better way. Maybe you will see that some day if the situation presents itself. We both know what the other way gains us (or doesn't gain us) 2 minutes of sweet revenge that turns sour in minute #3. The better way gains us a life time of sweetness.
It took me going through the proper way of doing things before I could see that the reward was so much greater.
My part (how ever small) I needed to seek recovery for. My side of the street clean is the best I can do. Revenge (telling another off) would just dirty my sidewalk again.
We are truly better off when we do things the better way. Maybe you will see that some day if the situation presents itself. We both know what the other way gains us (or doesn't gain us) 2 minutes of sweet revenge that turns sour in minute #3. The better way gains us a life time of sweetness.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Write the letter in notepad or word. Put it all down, then put it away where you keep your files.
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
Read it again in 24 hours. Add to it if you need to.
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
Repeat as needed... but
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
When it has served it purpose for you ... take that file and put it in the recycle bin
THEN EMPTY THE TRASH!
See if that doesn't make you feel better being able to get it all out.
Remember... it IS about YOU! So be nice to you!
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
Read it again in 24 hours. Add to it if you need to.
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
Repeat as needed... but
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
When it has served it purpose for you ... take that file and put it in the recycle bin
THEN EMPTY THE TRASH!
See if that doesn't make you feel better being able to get it all out.
Remember... it IS about YOU! So be nice to you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: rather not say
Posts: 18
Hi--I'm new here.
I couldn't believe it when I came on this site and read your post. The exact same type of thing happened to me just recently also....no warning...he broke up for entirely no reason and is just gone from my life after being together for quite some time.
Just wanted to say I can relate to what you are feeling.
I couldn't believe it when I came on this site and read your post. The exact same type of thing happened to me just recently also....no warning...he broke up for entirely no reason and is just gone from my life after being together for quite some time.
Just wanted to say I can relate to what you are feeling.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 115
Let go and let god.
I would go with the suggestion made by rivercitybelle. What you are doing now is not accepting, is resisting what is. I don't think you'll feel better by telling him off.
Feel your anger, acknowledge it and then let go and think about yourself, love yourself. Love Jo
I would go with the suggestion made by rivercitybelle. What you are doing now is not accepting, is resisting what is. I don't think you'll feel better by telling him off.
Feel your anger, acknowledge it and then let go and think about yourself, love yourself. Love Jo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by luvroses
Hi--I'm new here....
Glad you decided to jump in and post. We're always looking for new perspectives and folks willing to share their experience. Feel free to start a new post and introduce yourself so everybody else can welcome you.
Mike :-)
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
It does not really matter where he went at this point. What matters is where you are. I can totally understand how you feel. But, remember he probably did you a favor by leaving.
I agree with writing a letter that you do not send.
I agree with writing a letter that you do not send.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I suspect he might be feeling a little superior right about now with his limited amount of recovery. I hate to sound negative, but I get the feeling it won't last. And that's when he'll contact you - and it will probably be when he needs or wants something from you. Oh sure, he'll apologize for treating you that way; he'll probably tell you he made a mistake, or didn't know what he was doing, 'ya know - excuses, excuses! He'll probably figure that because you are so hurt right now, you'll jump at the chance and do anything to help him, again!
But, will you? That's the important question!
As far as your feelings right now, maybe if you can consider this just another manipulation from a still sick individual, it might help you to put your hurt and anger into perspective. Write a letter to him if you want, so that you can get your feelings out, but don't send it. Or, vent here!! Or get an old picture of him and throw darts at it! Be creative!!! Have fun with it! The sooner you get it out, the sooner you can look at the whole picture and realize his actions for what they are!
In this particular case, if you directly confront him with his miserable behavior, he owns your power. If you don't confront him, you take back your power!!! Which position feels more comfortable to you???
You are an attractive, intelligent, kind and loving woman Girlfriend. Might there be someone out there that you could be interested in seeing socially? Someone who 'isn't' broken or 'damaged goods'? Someone who is worthy of your time and effort?
But, will you? That's the important question!
As far as your feelings right now, maybe if you can consider this just another manipulation from a still sick individual, it might help you to put your hurt and anger into perspective. Write a letter to him if you want, so that you can get your feelings out, but don't send it. Or, vent here!! Or get an old picture of him and throw darts at it! Be creative!!! Have fun with it! The sooner you get it out, the sooner you can look at the whole picture and realize his actions for what they are!
In this particular case, if you directly confront him with his miserable behavior, he owns your power. If you don't confront him, you take back your power!!! Which position feels more comfortable to you???
You are an attractive, intelligent, kind and loving woman Girlfriend. Might there be someone out there that you could be interested in seeing socially? Someone who 'isn't' broken or 'damaged goods'? Someone who is worthy of your time and effort?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Heya Gf,
That's exactly what happened to me, after 19yrs of marriage.
I'm an alkie too, 26yrs sober in AA. I dunno how it works for you, but I never just walked away when _sober_. When I was "active", or "dry drunk" it's a whole different story.
My wife was definetly in love with me. But that was then. This is now. She has a disease _today_, not a disease yesterday.
You want closure from a bottle? Do you think I could get closure from the little pills my wife is taking? What if I did get closure? Then what do I do with it? Will it justify my anger? Give me a reason to hate her? I've got a better idea. I'll let her take care of her own life and her own "ammends", I'm going forward with my own life.
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by Girlfriend
... I put up with his crap and he just up and says one day ...
Originally Posted by Girlfriend
... I was an A.............have been sober for 12,, I've done the work, I never just walked away from someone that I supposedly cared alot about. ...
Originally Posted by Girlfriend
... you can't fake that! You either see something in those eyes or you don't....
Originally Posted by Girlfriend
... but all I'm asking for is closure....
Mike :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
*deep breath* THANK YOU ALL! You all make so much sense and when I sit and stew over something, I can't make any sense.
The writing the letter and reading it enough times and then throwing it away is the best advice. That and,,,you're right...if I DO tell him off.....he knows that in some small way, I still care and he's got the power. It's a huge manipulation game and HELL NO! After all of this........I don't want him back.
If he can dump me and walk away without a word after all of that, then he can do it any time again in the future and I DO NOT wanna go through this again.
I am capable of loving someone. He isn't. His track record shows that. I need to pull my head out of my behind and start looking at the world outside of me. There's plenty of things to be grateful and happy for.
Thanks again for the helping me back up (again)
((hugs))
The writing the letter and reading it enough times and then throwing it away is the best advice. That and,,,you're right...if I DO tell him off.....he knows that in some small way, I still care and he's got the power. It's a huge manipulation game and HELL NO! After all of this........I don't want him back.
If he can dump me and walk away without a word after all of that, then he can do it any time again in the future and I DO NOT wanna go through this again.
I am capable of loving someone. He isn't. His track record shows that. I need to pull my head out of my behind and start looking at the world outside of me. There's plenty of things to be grateful and happy for.
Thanks again for the helping me back up (again)
((hugs))
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
If he can dump me and walk away without a word after all of that, then he can do it any time again in the future and I DO NOT wanna go through this again.
I am capable of loving someone. He isn't. His track record shows that. I need to pull my head out of my behind and start looking at the world outside of me. There's plenty of things to be grateful and happy for.
I am capable of loving someone. He isn't. His track record shows that. I need to pull my head out of my behind and start looking at the world outside of me. There's plenty of things to be grateful and happy for.
Maybe thinking of it as KEEPING your health and sanity, instead of LOSING his sickness?
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by rivercitybelle
Write the letter in notepad or word. Put it all down, then put it away where you keep your files.
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
Read it again in 24 hours. Add to it if you need to.
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
Repeat as needed... but
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
When it has served it purpose for you ... take that file and put it in the recycle bin
THEN EMPTY THE TRASH!
See if that doesn't make you feel better being able to get it all out.
Remember... it IS about YOU! So be nice to you!
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
Read it again in 24 hours. Add to it if you need to.
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
Repeat as needed... but
DO NOT EMAIL IT!
When it has served it purpose for you ... take that file and put it in the recycle bin
THEN EMPTY THE TRASH!
See if that doesn't make you feel better being able to get it all out.
Remember... it IS about YOU! So be nice to you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hey GF.....
Read my drama from last week. SO similar to yours.....
My advice at this moment to you is "Let it Go."
He is not worthy of your time, efforts, thoughts or YOU.
We were/are in love with sick men, there is no rhyme or reason
to any of it. Something has clicked in me the last couple of days
and I have really decided enough is enough.
I will never allow this man to take anything else from me again.
The last thing he took was my heart and when he returned it
it wasn't in the same shape as when he took it.
What is the point in emailing, calling or sending letters?
They don't care. They can't care ...and neither should we....
Go easy on yourself....hugs....
Read my drama from last week. SO similar to yours.....
My advice at this moment to you is "Let it Go."
He is not worthy of your time, efforts, thoughts or YOU.
We were/are in love with sick men, there is no rhyme or reason
to any of it. Something has clicked in me the last couple of days
and I have really decided enough is enough.
I will never allow this man to take anything else from me again.
The last thing he took was my heart and when he returned it
it wasn't in the same shape as when he took it.
What is the point in emailing, calling or sending letters?
They don't care. They can't care ...and neither should we....
Go easy on yourself....hugs....
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