louvella

that my DH is on his way to becoming a full-blown AH. 1.75 L of scotch bought yesterday, 1/2 of that gone today. Two 1.75L per week on average. Functional for his job (doesn't miss work because he drinks, he's the "boss" so there's no bother about calling in but not necessary, anyway) , drinks at home, from the minute he gets home until time for bed. First hour is the "happy" one, next four go from bad to worse, especially if the TV has something on that is one of his "mad" triggers. (Fat people, taxes, a few more.) Not abusive physically but it sometimes skirts the verbal abuse. I KNOW I should got to Al-Anon but I'm so afraid that someone will know us and he will lose his accounts.

I don't know how to respond to him lots of times so I just keep my mouth shut. I don't know if I feel bad physically because of the stress...I deep six almost all of my emotions.

Two children in college, tight times financially....a recipe for disaster.

I need somebody to hold my hand.....

Pick-a-name

(((Louvella))).......wow! this all sounds so familiar (AH is even the boss,too! haha) except mine drinks (as far as I know.........) beer and wine and although we still have a high school senior at home;but he isn't here....he moved out.

I know how it can be when his "outside" way of acting is so different from at home.........can make you think you are losing your mind and exaggerating (he loves that angle !). At least that is the way I felt, and sometimes still do from time to time (I'm getting over that).

Stick around; read lots (I suggest "Getting Them Sober" and "Under the Influence" to quickly get you up to speed about alcoholism,etc) and do lots of posting here and http://www.GettingThemSober.com. Alanon.

Glad you are here....help is on the way.

Zoey

Welcome to SR, glad you found us. Feels so good to type out the thoughts and feelings where people know what you are saying or feeling.

You don't have to mention at Al-Anon why or who you are there for. We give first names only. So if they have never seen you they would not know where you belong.
Just a thought, besides who we see there, is to stay there, but ya know there is pillow talk sometimes. Darn
Keep comng back and readread read. Pick named some excellent books.

louvella

Pick a name and Clancy,
Thanks so much for your replies. I'll just have to put on my big girl panties and try theAl-Anon, perhaps in a neighboring town. My town is small and I worked in the school system around here for 28 years so I'm still sort of afraid to go here. (or does this sound like a familiar excuse for putting off the inevitable.?)

I think the thing Im finding in all of this reading is that everyone seems to have the same "symptoms"--lack of self esteem, feeling dead on the inside, etc, etc, etc...when having to deal with an alcoholic spouse. One day I was very worried about all of this and said out loud in the bathtub, "I"m extremely depressed"...(had been having one of those "things I wish I could say to your face" with myself and this just sort of slipped out). He was standing in the doorway and I didn't realize it. When I got out of the bath he told me he had looked up depression and that I should "get active." PERIOD. Never mentioned it again. I wanted to scream at him..."If you told me you thought you had a problem with drinking and all I said was 'Stop Drinking", how the *F* do you think you'd feel? Would you feel like I didn't give a RAT's ASS about you?"

Well, where did all that come from?....Sigh..I have such pent up stuff inside.

Pick-a-name

I know THAT feeling,too.......... For me, I find posting here is a good way to unload and untangle a lot of that "stuff". I find it really helpful. People here who understand, can offer help, and also are not emotionally involved in the particular situation like a family member or close friend would be. In fact, with alcoholism, it usually seems that the "best" advice from someone who does not know about alcoholism turns out to be the most counter-productive--effectively dealing with alcoholism goes against our (well, at least mine!) natural instincts.

Stick around and post,post,post........you will be helping yourself AND the rest of us.

Also keep in mind (and keep repeating this to yourself until you really begin to believe it!) the "Three C's" about alcoholism/addiction: you did NOT cause it, you can NOT control it, you can NOT cure it. period. That is the good news and the bad news. As you help yourself, things can get better....sometimes for the alcoholic,too.

Sending you a big hug!

louvella

Ok, now I have a question....

I have only twice mentioned that I am worried about his drinking. In 23 years of marriage....Yes, I'm sure this is the ultimate in enabler behavior.

I did it once in an email to an old friend, once to his face. He read the email because it was to what had been an old "crush" who became a good friend and though had not come out of the closet at the time of the crush (approaching 30 years ago). Also, this crush was before any relationship had developed with my dh.

At any rate, he became furious ( I didn't know he harbored this very deep jealousy of this old friend), kept reading all my emails back and forth (the old crush had emailed me at a time when I was very down and worried about the drinking so I unloaded on him. Had had no contact with this person for probably 24-25 years. I had (mistakenly?) thought I had no one to talk to about this and voila, got this email from him out of the blue. It was like talking to a girlfriend who lived 700 miles away) and the dh was on the verge of accusing me of having an affair. Of course, what was lost in all this outburst was the fact that I was deeply worried about the dh's drinking. That was conveniently overlooked while I was attacked verbally and emotionally. I'm not sure we have really recovered from that in the last 2.5 years.

Within the last 2.5 years I have just gently said "I'm worried about how much you are drinking and how it affects you." His response..."Well, at least I gave up pot--I could go back to that, you know."

So, as I watch this scotch being downed every night and I sort of retreat on the couch in to my own little world, WHAT DO I SAY? WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

He is basically a nice person, though emotionally distant almost our whole marriage. (His first wife left him for a bi-sexual guy and I don't think he's ever trusted I wouldn't leave him.) He doesn't fall out in the yard drunk or act in ways I've read about in some of the other threads. He is meticulous in the way he dresses, well spoken, not a bum, responsible human being.

To top it off, his oldest brother is now experiencing a pretty dramatic health crisis which I know will affect him a lot. Which, of course, means that he'll turn to the bottle even more so he won't have to think about it.

I do know I've become sort of, no....REAL passive aggressive in the past few years. If you were to come into my house you would think I was the one with the problem..I can't/don't/won't do lots of housework, hate to cook anymore, and when really down about all this can spend the day in front of a tv and not think a thing about it. Am bad with money, trying to carve out a second career (I'm retired) in the art field and not doing so hot with that. Course, he doesn't do much either, repairwise in teh house. He does change the lightbulbs and take out the trash and thinks I should be bowing at his feet for doing that. Often he reminds me that he wasn't here to do this I would be in pitiful shape. (Often I belive him, other times I don't). He doesn't do yard work so we pay 120.00 a month for somebody to mow the yard. Now he hates to do yardwork as much as I hate to do housework but I don't have any extra money to pay somebody to do the thing I hate. And surprisingly, I don't drink that much. I might have two glasses of wine a week, maybe three.

I hate for this to sound like a pity party for myself....because re-reading this you would think I was some sort of worthless piece of crap myself. I do know that part of this is my "retreat" mode. I really have no feelings/emotions at all anymore toward anybody or anything or myself. You know something's wrong when things that once brought you pleasure or cause you to experience nice feelings, like hearing a favorite song, don't even affect you anymore.

My DH's most common phrase used after several drinks is "Who cares?".... and my response (though not verbalized) "You're right...WHO CARES? I sure don't"

Oh my...i've ranted, rambled, and vented. And realized that the most creative writers in Hollywood could NEVER come up with some of the situations we all find ourselves in.

Thanks for listening....

equus

The last thing I think reading this is that you're worthless!!

I think you know there's a hard road ahead and I can relate to that. Try not to look too far ahead - a bit like when you're climbing a hard hill sometimes it's better to think about the rythm of steps than keep looking up!

Do get help, Al-Anon has helped lots of people here and there are other things that can help like counselling and posting here. I used counselling, SR, friends, and reading, which worked really well for me.

About what to say to him - I couldn't tell you. I think it's important to make sure our words, heart and actions are one thing and for me that means time thinking about what I REALLY want to say, making sure it isn't just an angry response but is what I feel deep down, taking my time and checking my motives.

I believe that couples should communicate, I think it's healthy and worth the effort but it doesn't always have the effects we expect so I usually ask myself first what the likely response would be, how I would respond if what I planned to say was said to me and admit to myself there is a response I would hope for. After that I accept I might get nothing like anything I'd considered and I've learned that even if I do I might feel more strongly about it than I expected to. Whatever happens it's ok because as long as my heart words and actions have been in line I can learn from unexpected as much as the expected.

When something really matters I drive D (my hubby) potty because I'll tell him I have something to say but refuse to blurt it out. I only do it when it's something VERY important to me but when it is I ask that we sit down, have hot drinks ready first, turn the telly off before we talk. If it's something I know will be hard to hear I also put my hand on him or take his hand. I don't do it for effect, I do it because if something is that important then it matters so much to me to be in a place where I can think carefully, and speak my mind clearly - not rushed or angry.

I don't know if that will help but it's all I've really got!! It helps me.

sunshine003

Just because he is teh "boss" or dresses nice and doesn't miss work, doesn't make him any less alcoholic. There are lots of different types of alcoholics. My husband is the boss, he owns his own company and is well respected in the community. He doesn' call in due to his drinking, he goes to work. He doesn't even drink daily. But I know he is an alcoholic and he knows it also. Well, what I should say is he'll admit it when he feels he has to, LOL. My point is, don't think he has to do all these outrageous things or be a bum with no job to be an alcoholic, this just isn't the case.

Pick-a-name

OMG..........not only did you describe AH, you described me,too! I never said much either; it always got "turned around",too......I did a few times whe the rages started and our kids where involved in that. His answer to that was to move out. This year he filed for divorce (after 27yrs/2 kids). Seems he has also found at least one other enabling woman (denies her, but that is another story and it blows my mind!) and I guess he is doing what he has to do to pull that off (besides the attraction of the $ he sold his business for). He is out doing whatever (used to be at home drinking and yelling at us) to keep up with this younger woman although it sounds like at least half of the time they are fighting, etc,etc (why I know that....is beyond me; I try not to have anything to do with that or the info surrounding it). Guess he feels now that everything should be HIS way 24/7 and what he really would like is a fulltime slave/mother/*****.....(who wouldn't at some level!) Guess the difference is he actually believes at this point that the world owes him that...... (good luck!haha)

My advice: read,read,post.........the first 20 years or so were basically fine but this is a progressive disease. First he was distancing and detatching from me, the kids, family life, etc. Now, even with him not living with us, it is one problem after another. Strenghten yourself is what I would suggest. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism and how to best help yourself. (That is also the best way to help him, although at first that was hard for me to understand.) Good luck!

denny57

((Louvella))

Your story could be my story. And a lot of others' too. My AH and I really addressed it twice - at the beginning of our relationship 18 years ago when, after an episode, he asked "do you think I could be an alcoholic?" I said yes. And then again 3-1/2 months ago when I told him I had been attending Al-Anon. Other than that, the obvious strains were there, but it was never discussed in any meaningful way. Throughout our marriage he was productive and financially successful. His disease has greatly progressed the last year and a half. He has moved out. His health is suffering. I believe the work is next. I was in the depressed state you talk about. Through Al-Anon, therapy and other support I am doing much better today. I've a long way to go, but the fog is lifting.

I think Al-Anon will help you; good luck.

L8YNRED

((Louvella)) My late husband was also well respected, had the prettiest uniform you every saw, and was totally functional - at least until he got sick.

Go to AlAnon. You needn't worry about who might see you. "Who you see here, what you hear here stays within the walls of the room and the confines of your mind" is repeated at every meeting. Anonymity is one of the foundations of the program. No one will go home and tell their families that 'his' wife was there and so they should take their business elsewhere. They are there for the same reasons as you, they will not judge you or him. It is ok. You can go.

meli2005

At Alanon, it is supposed to be anonymous. People are not supposed to say, "I saw so and so at Alanon".


I'm sorry you are going thru all this.

megamysterioso

Louvella. I understand your numbness. Throughout the mere 3 1/2 years that I've been married to my AH, I have lost respect, trust and love for him. I've seen promises broken over and over again while I, on the otherhand, have never broken a promise to him. I used to bring up his drinking problem ALL THE TIME in the beginning, but it was absolutely of no use.

Since my AH used to be into hard drugs and liquor, the fact that he was drinking 18-24 beers EVERY night "was no big deal" according to him. I used to get this same sort of comparison all the time. It was like he wanted me to give him a medal or something!!! Finally, I quit harping on it and just ignored it- withdrawing myself to the bedroom while he sat on the couch drinking alone. This type of emotional separation has taken a HUGE toll on our marriage. It was the only way I could stay sane tho. If your husband is an emotionally distant man by nature, I can only imagine how lonely and depressed you must be feeling.

Recently, my housework has gone to sh*t too. I used to be quite the Holly-Homemaker. I work full-time, but used to keep an immaculate house, cook dinners (which my AH said "I purposefully made him fat with these meals"), etc. Now, forget it. I TOO AM TIRED. I really understand your feelings. Keep posting here b/c this has helped me tremendously. I can't go to Al-anon easy either, so I've found this to be the next best thing.

Now, my AH has "cut down" to a tall boy six pack of Icehouse everynight and is trying to "make good" with me. He has admitted to all past wrongs, but says that he will not quit drinking, but will limit himself to no more than these 6 a night (woopteedoo). He is really not a jerk to be around when he limits himself to this amount, but I just know that it will not last and don't respect the fact that he NEEDS this everyday. Now, I have to decide... do I want to just co-exist with this man or do I want to separate and go "have a life" for myself??? Merely CO-EXISTING sucks and it sounds like that is what you're doing. You've forgotten yourself, your hobbies, your loves, your friends... it is so unhealthy. My new catch phrase lately has been- "nobody cares."

Sorry to go off on my own rant, but I just want you to know that I really relate to where you are coming from and you will be in my thoughts. When I first started posting here, I found it very comforting to know that I am not alone in this.

CajunGirl

Wow, Mega....you sound EXACTLY like me! Every day when I get home, my AH, who gets home before me from work, is already drinking. I retreat to "my" bedroom....my haven, of sorts and spend the night there. We don't sleep together, haven't for years, because of his snoring and tossing & turning. I try so hard to ignore what he's doing but he's constantly coming in the bedroom to fire off some smart remark or he's trying to make me feel guilty for paying more attention to the cat instead of him. He usually passes out around 8:30 so there is a little peace at night. I did love him and respect him. But I don't any longer. I mean, I care about him. It's hard to sit and watch someone that you care about do this to themselves. He's his own boss so he makes his own hours and he always gets up and goes to work. His latest comment to me is.....well, at least I'm not at the bar every night with the boys. I almost wish he was...that way I wouldn't have to deal with him at home! But he's got his drinking buddy right next door and another one across the street, so he's happy to just drink at home with them. I'm so tired of all of this. I just don't want to be there anymore. I walk on eggshells until I find out every night which kind of drunk he's going to be....is it the mad at the world or just me night? Or is it a night of him trying to be all lovey dovey like telling how he can't live without me and he loves me more than anything....blah, blah, blah. Or is it a night of verbal abuse...what a cold, negative person I am. I'm just exhausted.

ICU

Cajungirl,

Sounds like an exact instant replay of my life with my ex!

Several have mentioned being tired. I noticed I was extremely fatigued during this whole ordeal. It takes it's toll not only mentally, but physically as well.

Louvella,

You might want to consider going to an Al-Anon mtg. a couple of towns away if you are concerned about your husband's identity being protected. Although it's true that the program 'should be' anonymous, well, sometimes people don't remember that.

The point is, find a meeting location you would feel comfortable in. You need support, for you!