Tally

todays been a bad day...i dont wanna be here anymore, i just need some peace in my life, pills seem like the easy answer but i cant do any more than contemplate it because i have responsibilities..

i hate being me, i hate my life, i hate him

why cant i leave him, why cant i tell him to get out and mean it or make him see i mean it

we had a blazing row because he's been lying to me yet again, he told me to get some balls, to tell him to get out, in the end i told him to go and he laughed at me and told me i didnt mean it

i did mean it, i really want him to go but he just laughed at me and went upstairs to bed

the only time i can tell him to go is when i'm angry with him but he just laughs, and maybe he's right, maybe i havent got the balls to do it other wise

he's killing me, i dont recognise me anymore, my confidense has gone, my self esteem, i cant be me, i cant like the things i like without being critisised or called names, so i dont like them anymore for a quiet life...i'm so tired

i wrote a list of what he does for me and it was very short, he makes me laugh and is good company when he's in a good mood...thats it
Other than that i might as well be single, i already feel like i am most of the time and i'm so lonely and so desperate for him to show me the love i show him and i know he probably never will

i'm so sick of him blaming EVERYTHING on drink...and if i hear the word "drink" one more time i may go quite mad.
NOTHING is down to him, its ALL drinks fault, even down to him calling me "braindead" because I like chat shows and he doesn't, i'm not allowed to watch them unless i want a row to start...

He asked me if i think i'm blameless for all our problems and i said no, but actually i do think i am blameless, i dont lie or neglect him or cheat on him and those are our qualms...

since when did my thoughts and feelings become insignificant...i asked him that question...his reply "since you met me"
basically he said it's his way or if i'm so unhappy i can dump him....but if i tell him to get out he wont go...i feel trapped....but then it all blows over and we're back to normal and normal aint so good either

am soo miserable and thats probably the reason he's here..because i havent got the self esteem to not let myself be treated like this....guess i'm used to it

deep down i know i count, i just cant bring these feelings to the surface very well.

sorry for ranting, feel a bit better already lol, was considering doing something daft but i guess i'll just go sleep on the couch....dont want to be anywhere near that *******

now2001

the fact that you realize the problem is a big step! now take the next one and seek help with women that have been where you are. NOOO it is not easy but nothing worthwhile is.
The problem of your spouse or loved one is not ever your fault. If a healthy mind sees that some one is bringing them down they seek a soultion, but a unhealthy mind sees it as an excuse, who are you?
Most people that are affected by alkies or addicts become sicker than the addict. thats why there is alanon.
I am an alcholic and addict ,I have been on both sides of the fence the one you are on and the side of your loved one. find a group and let them love you till you love your self.

escape artist

sometimes they act like the devil standing right in front of us-as if we are that powerless and they are so "godly". tin god is what they truly are- all puffed up with not much underneath.
i always said, "one day the tables will turn and you'll see how it is!" those tables have finally turned. lots of "recovery work" helped me get through this- Al-Anon, SR, my therapist, my beloved sisters and brothers and my HP. NOw i can see through that puffed up image he uses as a smokescreen to hide that little boy who never knew love.

Tally

very very true escape artist...wish the "puffing up" didn't hurt so much

megamysterioso

Your post really, really hit home b/c I feel so many of the same things that you do. Isn't it sadly amazing that by living with our As, we've become so accustomed to being 3rd- him first, booze second and us bringing up the rear. We've gone to the extent of giving up things that give us joy and pleasure just to accomodate His moods so that we can have a "quiet life." It's like we've given up fighting for ourselves just so we can EXIST. We're definitely NOT living.

I am lonely too and feel that I cannot connect with my AH virtually at all anymore. He tries to have conversation with me and I find myself drifting and thinking how I don't care about what he's saying or how it is totally UNINTERESTING to me. I feel like I'm virtually single too. I don't have a PARTNERSHIP and in reality, isn't that what marriage supposed to be???? Aren't we all supposed to be with someone who uplifts US just as much as we uplift them??? SHOW ME SOMETHING! You really deserve that and EVERYONE on this board does.

My AH blames all of our bad times on "drink" too. It makes me sick. I wish I had some sort of excuse. The reality is and I told my AH this is that he will never know how much he has damaged me b/c HE WAS DRUNK THE ENTIRE TIME. "Not remembering" is a luxury that I don't have and will never have. Hell, he couldn't even remember calling me a "moron" or a "stupid bitch" the night before MUCH LESS how those words made me feel. Ironically, my AH told me to "grow some balls and go after what I want in life" once. Fine advice coming from a man who has only gone after: another beer, another bottle, another pill, another buzz.

I will say a prayer for you and please know that you are not alone. NEVER EVER NEVER think of taking your life. That is a permanant solution to a temporary problem (sorry for the cliche, but it is true).

kermit

i do not know your whole story, but there must be a friend or relative you can go to. If he will not leave, remember you can. Find somewhere you can go. When you know that there is somewhere else to stay, go..run.. my friends and family have helped me, I was afraid at first to ask for the help. But I did and I'm getting better now. Please seek out help.
I will say a prayer.

goffredo

Please get off the merry-go-round of insanity. How do you do that when you're so stuck on it?

I arranged counsellling for myself once a week; I started going to Alanon and have learnt that there are many tools for me to deal with this, that I have a choice as to whether i want to go, i want to stay, how I want to be treated, how do i say what I mean and mean what I say. I am learning to reclaim my self esteem back, respect for myself, how to stop reacting, how to start loving myself, how to take decisions, one day at a time.

I knew these things before but I didn't know how to do it practically. Alanon and counselling, as well as gettinginfo through AA, gave me the tools. It can be done but you have to want to do it. It really works if you work it!

love Jo

Gabe

This is a signal from your best self that it's time to make some changes.
Slowly, and one step at a time, work towards that recognition.
You can do it Missus.
I have big faith in you.