quietsins

Ever notice that alanoners seem to take 100% responsibility for the relationship....

And alcoholics place 100% of blame for the problems in that relationship?


What is going on?

Relationships take two,, it takes two to argue,, it takes two to heal,, it takes two to work on it,, and it takes two to call it quits.

Nobody here can take all the blame for any situation within a relationship. Neither can we take all the credit when it goes well, or at least better.

It takes two. So next time that you feel like beating yourselves up for anything more than half of that relationship... take a deep breath and realize... it takes two. And just as two halves become one, if things are bad, two halves dont get shoved at you leaving them without responsibilities and choices.

quietsins

Beautiful

One side is giving (codependent) and one side is taking (addict.) Not too much more to say.

harleygirl92156

I don't think that is what she meant???

harleygirl92156

I am really glad you posted this. It really made me take a look at my own relationship.
You are exactly right and the sad thing is I expect it. I expect to be responsible for the relationship. Yea, I have seen my husband work to take more responsiblity, but seems he can only take responsiblility for what I want him to. If he over steps his bounds, so to speak, I get bent. That is wrong! The relationship is for two of us to be responsible for and I need to let him make his own decisions for what he wants to be responsible for. My goal for today is to work at correcting this defect within ME!

Also, the blame thing. That really hurt my heart to read this because it really hit home with me. Oh my gosh I do expect him to take all the blame for the relationship problems and he shouldn't have to. Big bright light bulb just went off for me.

Thanks a million for the simple insight you just shared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

goffredo

To generalise never works for me.

I always find an exception to the statement. I go to Alanon and no where it is said that we take 100% responsibility for the relationship. That is down to the individual. I agree that it takes two and my responsibility is 100% for what I do, for what I bring into the relationship. I might be a co-dependant and my partner the addict but that's not all that we are. I cannot define the whole of me as one thing only. To be a codependant is only one aspect of me and the one I want, can and am changing. Most of the times the addict is a codependant too. Whatever the situation is, I strive to achieve partnership in the relationship, I care and love enough to want to communicate better, to work at improving my relationship, but if I have to do 100% of the work I won't bother.

I guess I'm lucky in having a recovering alcoholic/addict who is embracing her recovery totally, including taking responsibility for what she brings into the relationship. She knows that I wouldn't want it otherwise. She knows because I told her.

Love jo