mallowcup

The power was out for over 48 hours in the North East due to the winds. It was bitter biting cold. I was called in to work and went as most of the downed power lines and fallen trees had been cleared from the roadways. I went in early to wash up and my husband called from the local bar to say that the power had come back on. He had gone out the night before to play cards until 1am while I sat around some candles. We have a wood stove so I was warm so long as I fed it. I got home at around 12am last night, he wasn't here and the local bar was closed. I had spoken to him at around 2pm. The house was stone cold and the dog was waiting for me at the door to eat. It was bitter cold out. The furnace never came back on after the power came back on and the wood fire died out, he didn't know that because he never came back home. I got some fire wood into the house and got the fire going. Two days of dirty dishes were stacked ont he counter so I got them into the dishwasher. He had mentioned going to a party for our tenant at at mutal buddies house but our tenant was home. At 12:20am my husband walked through the door wild eyed and drunk. His pupils were completely dilated. I told him the furnace was out and the house was "freezing". He went off like a bottle rocket. He told me I was a psycho, "love him in the morning, hate him at night". He ranted that I made him want to throw up, there were plenty of other women better than me(the ones at the party I'm sure). I practiced the "quack quack" thing. He went into the shower and I went to bed. He packed up a suitcase and it sits in the kitchen. He then turned on the stereo blaring for about an hour. He finally came to bed sputtering mean things about how much he hated me. Ijust finished a book by Joyce Meyers that talks about fear, she says turn it over to God and then it becomes Gods problem and not mine. I did that quaking under the covers. The hateful things my husband says don't bounce off like they used to. I was int he bathroom before he took his shower and in the heat of his nonsensical ranting, he kciked the bathroom door open. We NEVER enter the bathroom when the door is closed. Never! He grabbed my arm and said, "I could just slap your face!" hated him at that moment. I just finished a night at work at time and a half and came home to this. One of the girls I work with said her husband checked her and their kids into a motel that had heat. I thought, how nice to be married to a man like that. I feel very depressed today. He finally went to sleep at around 2am and is fast asleep now and his packed suitcase is still on the kitchen floor. I am up feeding the woodfire. I had already decided that if he left last night, I would turn him in. I think he knew that. The drinking is getting worse. Yesterday, he started at around 9:30am, at 1am he was still drinking and escalating. Why doesn't he pass out? Today I have a mantra, "Fear Not" and Lord he's your problem to deal with, I've turned it over". I'm tired and I hope he sleeps all day.

historyteach

Mallo;
You say his drinking is escalating. Is his behavior escalating too?
It concerns me that he broke through the bathroom door, grabbed you and threatened you. Please call a domestic violence shelter, and make an escape plan -- just in case. You never know if you're going to need it, and he doesn't sound too rational. Yes, we have to hand them over to G*D; but, we have to take measures to protect ourselves too.
You deserve better than what you're accepting...

Shalom!

mallowcup

I'm not sitting here waiting for him to get up. I am tired and don't feel like going out in the cold. He always bashes people who sleep all day, so I'm letting him sleep all day. I don't look forward to him waking up eithr forgetting everything of carrying it into today. I thought of leaving him a letter, what would I say in it? He should be ashamed and when he is sober that may occurr to him. I feel a need to say what I think to him. Last night would have been pointless.

ICU

These are red flags Mallowcup; the initial stages of domestic violence. It does not get better. As your tolerance for it rises, so does the abuse.

Yes, there are some things we must turn over to our higher power, but this is not one of them. For this is something that YOU must and CAN take action on to protect yourself.

This is a part of a thread from Megamysterioso - When did you realize you were hopelessly detached from a few days ago. In it is something that Minnie posted. Take a good look at it.

There is another thread above from Acquiana about keeping safe. Read that too.

I would spend less time concerning myself with what he isn't doing and concentrate more on what he is doing, to you. Again, not everything should be turned over to your HP! Help and resources are put out there for a reason - learn about what you need to do to protect yourself!

mallowcup

Thank You for the support. I've tried to do the detaching thing and and it works pretty well. I've tried the "quack quack" thing and that was tougher but it worked OK. I'm thinking this is what's causing him to behave worse, to get a reaction. Truth is, he is losing me in all ways.

equus

You need to act not 'turn it over'. Make sure you take help from domestic violence sources, you can't always apply general advice to a violent situation and kicking doors down is violent.

Can you get hold of helpline numbers you could ring? Are they well advertised where you live? If you can't ask and I'm sure someone here will help.

Talk to them about what to do - you need support tailored to what your living with and this is not the same as alcoholism alone.

equus

You could very well be right and he can escalate it further - you need help from those experienced with violence, threats are violent.

ICU

Emotional detachment is for use with alcoholic behavior. It is NOT an effective tool with violence!

mallowcup

Why was I thinking that he'd wake up remorseful? He got up, slammed around and I reminded him that my father died a year ago today. He said nothing, got dressed while I was barfing in the bathroom and slammed out. I was crying and barfing. This is a hard day as I know my mother won't be doing well. I'm in no shape to help her through today. This is a terrible day and I am so upset. I think this day is just a purge of everything. I can't believe he was so cruel. His son was just home for comfort after his 6 month marriage ended with infidelity and I was so supportive. My windshield had a crack on it that let loose and went the whole length of the windshield last night on my way home so I don't dare drive. He took the car and I'm sure he's on his way to the bar. I will probably be here a lot today.

denny57

This is when real violence can happen - and I mean life threatening. There is plenty of information out there regarding this. If you need some links, let me know. Please take care of yourself.

mallowcup

Ijust read my horoscope today and it says the universe is speaking to me, tha tI sould follow my dreams. It ocurred to me I don't have any.

mallowcup

I ran into one of my husbands better friends, one that I actually like. He was at the party yesterday. He said they started playing cards drinking beer and passing a bottle of schnapps around. This started at 2pm and carried through till midnight. This friend is a mild mannered and polite guy who my husband respects. He is single and drinks too much too. He has never forgotten his manners around me and tends to get more quiet as he drinks. He told me that my husband was smashed and got loud and obnoxious. He said everyone was getting sick of it so he said he looked him straight in the eye and told him"to shut the **** up and sit down". I have never seen this friend use that kind of language or take that kind of attitude, not ever. So I can imagine how obnoxious my husband was. My husband "lost big time" in cards. I 'm not sure how many husndreds that means, but hey, I'm the one working. His debts are his to pay for gambling. I'm sure I'll get more feedback as most of the people we know were at the party. I just love that reflection.

JessicaNAJ

It is only a reflection of you if you let it be. I'm sure the same people who know you, that also know him, think highly of you. Some may even pity you....for putting up with the unacceptable things they "would never put up with".

Stay strong....do what is best for you.

dollydo

What are the benefits of this relationship for you? Breaking down the door is a sure sign of escalating violence...be ready to leave quickly or put his suitcase out and change the locks, phone # etc...this is not going to get any better.

Please take care of you.

Dolly

patience2

Hi Mallowcup,
I'm very new to this site and to discussing the effects of my husbands alcoholism. The first thread I read was 'Enabling-Part 1 and 2. I don't know how to attach it as a link and maybe you've already seen it but if you copy and paste this.... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-a-42707.html.
I posted a reply there myself about how detachment seemed to have given my ah a wake-up call. Its been 9 days now without drink (heaven).
What I didn't mention was how I was thrown on the floor just before Christmas, or how he walked out on me New Years Day saying that no man in his right mind would put up with a nightmare like me.
Anyway, he was back 3 days later with the usual 'good intentions' which lasted 5 minutes but it wasn't until I layed in bed one night and really weighed up the pros and cons of being with him that things changed.
Please try and get yourself away for a few days. You need to write a list of the benefits of being with him and the benefits of being without. He also needs time to think about how he would feel without you. You deserve so much better, we only get one go on this earth. Good luck.
Patience

patience2

Ps - just realised that I have attached an attachment. Wow, learn something new everyday. My little tale of hope is on page 4.

jojo

Once they lose control it becomes just that much easier for it to happen again. Violence almost always escalates. I was married to a binge drinker. After 6 years of marriage, during one of his binges, he shoved me and I hit my hip on the window sill. It hurt like hell and left quite a bruise. That was the first time I had seen even a glimpse of violence, The next day he said he couldn't have done that. He had no memory of it (or so he said). I just knew that he would never, ever, ever do something like that again. No matter what. The next binge came 5 months later and he absolutely lost it and came after me. I was afraid he was going to seriously injure me or kill me. I got away from him and called 911. He was arrested and I left. I have not seen him since and never want to again.

Please keep in mind that you are never safe around someone that has been violent. It doesn't just happen once unless they make some serious changes. You can plan on it happening if they continue to drink. I'm sorry to be such a "downer" but everyone needs to be aware so that they can protect themselves.

Take care, Jo

Pick-a-name

Yes; I found that to be true in my situation.

Please be safe. Have a few things in your car (if you can) for a quick getaway.

(I've often thought about a tape recorder, but I would be afraid AH would have sent it flying. I did go so far to get a small voice-activated one but haven't used it.)

Good luck, you'll be in my prayers.