megamysterioso

Words of wisdom!!! I hear them and you're saying them, but we've sunk so low in our relationships that we're becoming as bad if not worse than them in some ways! Maybe we can get through all of this together. I'm grateful to have found this site.

Yeah- those gut feelings are the TRUTH. It's the sensible you trying to wake you up from your coma. I've been so disgusted just looking at him before... BUT I tuck that away real fast (thinking how evil all the crap is I'm thinking) and say to myself, "welp, that's just HIM." LOL.

This is not a good life. We BOTH along with everyone on this board deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. I am finding a lot of strength here and am happy to have you all. Big hug to you sunshine.

sunshine003

you know what else? when I look at all my own sick thoughts, I find myself um, I don' tknow, laughing. Not because it's funny but because I even question or doubt myself. It has gotten that low.

I'll give you an example and this is hard to admit but it's the truth. I've found myself waiting for "next time." Because "next time" I was out the door. The next time he.....and the list was endless. But I'm still here. You know what changed? I upped the anty. "next time" has to get bigger. Next time he stayed out all night, I was leaving. Next time I thought he was cheating, I was leaving....next time.....

it was endless. My next time game turned to wishing....I wish he'd do this so then I'd know it was him and not me. I wish he'd do that. I even wished he would hit me so then, oh boy, without question, he was bad....it's sick I'm telling you.

ICU

There's a lot of danger with that, especially in Mega's situation. The next time the ante is upped could be the last time!

Many times we don't realize just how much danger we have been in until we are out of the situation. For some it's only when we begin to feel the contrast between waking up each morning in peace vs. the chaos that we had become accustomed to that we realize just how bad the bad really was!

megamysterioso

Ha! LOL. I UNDERSTAND what you mean. I've caught myself secretly thinking on one occasion, "Oh yeah, hit me so I can call the cops and you can FINALLY go to jail for something. The divorce proceedings will be a no brainer and I could just despise you." Sick, sick, sick. I was never "courageous" enough to just stand there and provoke him to hit me though. "Courageous"!!!!

You HAVE to have some kind of sense of humor (demented as it may be) about this or you would go crazy. That's the way I feel any way. You know, at times, I really question my own sanity too. I mean I really know what is acceptable and what's not and that "I'm better than this," etc., My AH for every blow-out we've had has ALWAYS tried to skew "the blame" over to me. Either I said something "bad" that triggered him, I "over-reacted," I have unrealistic expections of "love is." I've questioned if any of that was true before. I still do sometimes. It's insane.

sunshine003

I would never suggest she up the anty, it is dangerous, even in my situation. I was only trying to relate with her and share. It helps me a LOT to realize that others have the same thoughts I do, as crazy as they are. It helped me to realize just how sick I was and it's helped me to change a lot of that.

It was something to come here and realize I wasn't alone....that my life was something I could read right out of a text book. To realize that it is in fact predictable when I felt it was such a mystery.

ICU

[QUOTE=sunshine003]I would never suggest she up the anty, it is dangerous, even in my situation. I was only trying to relate with her and share.QUOTE]

Sunshine,

Oh I know that you weren't suggesting she up the ante! Sorry if I gave you the impression that I thought you were - not my intention at all!

I agree, relating and sharing here helps us all with our insane thinking! It helps to know we're not alone, and, to run things by people who have 'been there, done that'!

megamysterioso

Yep. Believe you me that you all have helped me tremendously already. It is comforting to know that "I'm not crazy." I'm also not alone. There are people out there trying to make sense of the same recurring thoughts and feelings that I go through everyday.

harleygirl92156

I don't know about the rest of you, but this isn't usual for me!!! This is not normal behavior. My RAH did a lot of things when he was drinking, including a gun incident, but never did he push, shove, grab or hit me, around the house or anywhere else.
You acceptance of this being "usual" is frightening!!!

Please go to counseling or to someone who can assist you. You are a victim of domestic violence and you have to get away from it. For you!! No one deserves to be abused.