Minx1969

I mentioned this in one of Patty's posts that I would try and find it.

From: Believing in Myself by earnie Larsen & Carol Hegarty

January 21

Closure means dead - Jonathan Jarvis

What could be harder on one's self-esteem than to be continually drawn back into a toxic relationship, or any toxic situation? Many of us, desparately trying to break free from an addictive stranglehold, make heartfelt, heroic efforts to break out. But ultimately, failing to walk all the way away, we slip right back, inch by inch, into the hell from which we had almost escaped.

When a situation has been deemed lethal, when we come to understand that to stay is to sacrifice self-esteem, then closure, and only closure, can set us free. Closure does not mean sort of separating. It means that even if the other person calls or invites or begs or pleads or cries or crawls the answer is no. Out means out. Closure means canceled, kaput, the end.

Difficult? Yes, indeed. Necessary? In some situations it is the difference between life and death, physical as well as spiritual. Most of us need a lot of support from healthy friends to stick to our guns when we're trying to do away with a dangerous, but compelling, relationship.

Successful closure means being open to the new as well as closed to the old.

historyteach

Oh, minx,
This topic is so relevant to me today.
It's one thing having a son who is a heroin addict, and having to learn all new beliefs and behaviors about my relationship with my son.
It's another to have to be in a toxic atmosphere everyday at school.
I'm open to the new; but, at least until next year, I'm stuck with the old -- the toxic. The only alternative is to change my attitude about the completely abusive atmosphere at this school. Not easy to do when I have over 20 years and know what is acceptable and what is not.
Thanks for sharing!

Shalom!

IrshIzNotSmilin

I have achieved "closure", it was really hiding. I hid for 15 years in a relationship where someone took care of me, I was so hurt and sick from years of " parental toxicity" that I made the break with my parents the "closure" only to have it all come back to bite me when I began "mid-life" crisis. I left the marriage for a man I loved yet did not realize to re-enter the codie world, and then I re-entered the relationship with the "toxic parent-mom" Well, this is what i have learned that it (codie) is an addiction you always have. Codependency is like a virus it lingers dormant to bite you when you least expect it, and as you said Minx,Closure is Closure and if not it creeps back bit by bit the codependent behaviors. Now I see this; and I realize I have done this... I am tired.. I am depressed... and I feel old... and history teach I was married for 12 years to a history teach good man but I hid. That wasn't healthy either, and I just gave up myself. Now I am facing the codie behavior , facing the music, facing it all head on, feeling the excruciating pain, feeling hopeless, hurting, numb, grieved, you name it I feel it. I have to face it andout of that comes closure in some form I believe. For now though I am tired and the pain hurts and to face that I have probably fallen in the hole again. I know I have. It all seeped back into my life because I never made closure to begin with. I never have learned to completely love myself either.

StandingStrong

It is days like today that keep bringing me back here to SR. Days like this when my eyes are opened, my heart is touched, and I'm educated with the knowledge of understanding.
Whether it be by one's sharing of their life experience, or someone sharing their thoughts, or of someone posting something out of a book, etc - there are days that it seems these posts are here just for me. Amazing!
The topic of closure has been one that ah and I have visited recently lately. He doesn't "get it" and I've had a hard time explaining it. Right down to the point of confusing myself sometimes. LOL.

Minx, thank you for sharing this today. I really needed it and thoroughly enjoyed reading it. It's one of those times where a post spoke to me!

ICU

Excellent Minx! This is a keeper!! Thanks for sharing this.

DesertEyes

Closure is what I do with a book I have finished reading. I put it back on the shelf, remember fondly the good parts and tuck away whatever lessons I learned from it. Then I open the next book, having chosen it based on the experience with the previous one.

Mike :-)

pmaslan

Minx....
I couldn't get my head around this yesterday so I thought I would come back
to it today and revisit it.
Today I got alot out of it, thank you for taking the time to post.

L8YNRED

DesertEyes - have you ever taken the same book off the shelf to read it again even though (maybe because) you know it will make you cry and somewhere something inside you really wants to cry? I have.

DesertEyes

Oh gosh I don't need any help crying :-) The first couple months it felt like all I did was cry. It has eased up a _lot_ since then, but it still sneaks up on me. Just this afternoon I was having lunch with one of my bestest friends who lost her hubby almost the same day my ex dumped me. Out of nowhere we both just got hit with this deep sadness and had ourselves a good cry right in the restaurant.

I don't want to cry, I really don't. But it happens anyway. Maybe if I were more accepting of it I wouldn't have it sneak up on me. Maybe I could do what you do and actually help it along instead of always fighting it. What do they call that? "Willingness"?

Mike :-)