Ayers1995

I am the wife of an A. (11 yrs) It took a while to realize that this was true, but when I did... it was full blown. Over the past few years, my ah has been going through 4 to 5 5th's a week of 101 Wild Turkey. I have been shut out for a very long period of time, and we have 3 sons (8 yo twins and 9 yo). I recently had enough and decided to start making plans to leave. My AH has sensed this and started quizing me and I did tell him that I'd had it. He has been begging and pleading with me, saying he was going to change. Well he drank 13/18 days and finally I did tell him it disgusted me and I would not lead the life his mother led. (Yes, his father did this to his mother for years and she finally left). He quit drinking last Thurs and now is working out and constantly emailing me and calling me and being really gushy. This is really causing alot of guilt for me. I don't know what I should do. I was at the point that I'd had it and now he's killing me w/guilt and making me feel sorry for him. Do I take the chance that he will quit (even though there are other issues) or do I realize that I've put up with this for too long and it really might be too late. I've had these talks with him before,that he needed to quit and he told me I was the one with the problem... then it starts back up. I want a better life for me and my boys. I am really at my wits end.

elizabeth1979

Welcome to SR,
Im glad you have found us!
There are alot of wise people here, that have
helped me out tremendously.

Welcome!

mallowcup

How many years have you prayed for him to change and ignored the drinking? I certainly can identify with you. My husband is just the opposite, he is sweet as pie when he isn't drinking in the morning. Everything is fine so long as he can drink and I keep my mouth shut about it. If I get sick of hearing his babbling, slurred words or can't answer his questions about the random babblings, he gets mad. I feel guilty too as if after listening to him, I should apologize for being such a burden. I'd say if you have come this far, keep going. Pray about it. You sound strong right now.

megamysterioso

Hi Ayers. I really feel for you b/c I am in your same situation minus the kids thank God. If you are at all interested in my story and my disgust that my husband is now trying to "change" just because my foot is halfway out the door, please visit www.divorcenet.com and read the post entitled "Alcoholic Situation- Please Advise." It is listed under the "Considering Divorce" forum and it is under the same username I use here. I received quite a few good replies back that you may benefit from.

I really would not consider getting back with him since you have children to consider. It is not healthy at all for kids to be in that kind of environment. If you do take him back and he relapses which will most likely happen at some point (according to replies I got back on divorcenet), your children may learn that your husband's behavior is acceptable since you are sticking around and putting up with it. They may even resent you for keeping them in that environment later on in life. I don't mean to be a downer, but it could happen. Please keep in touch and feel free to send me private messages any time. I understand your confusion and anger and how you somehow "feel guilty and obligated" to stay. I just don't know how I'm going to deal with my own situation either. God bless.

Cynay

Welcome to SR...

You have certainly found the right place, I would suggest reading the stickies.

That is what Alcoholics do best... push the right buttons, I guess if it were me I would have to ask how many times has he said he will stop??? and he has not. Actions speak louder then words do..... But one thing I do know is he will not stop unless he wants too and he has to do it for himself.

Just remember ... you did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not fix it. (hope I got that right)

Keep coming back and post often, lots of great people and we are looking forward to getting to know you!

Kitchu

Oh yes my A/b/f was very good about making me feeling guilty. Don't let it get to you. IT is the alcohol that does that. You are doing the right thing.
Kitchu

warriorprincess

Ayers, your letter gave me the chills! I am also the wife of an A -- 14 years with two kids, 7 and 4. 3 yrs. ago i found out my husband deceived me financially by having me sign a power of attorney so he could cash out $75k in equity in our house to pay off some business debts. we went to two therapists, i went to two therapists, tried anti-depressants, etc to deal with the pain. two months ago i found out more stuff had happened -- rang up our home equity line really high, had a credit card that he used for all his alcohol and bar charges -- the bill never went to our house and it was never paid from our household finances. three weeks ago i asked for a divorce and a few days later he asked if i thought he had a drinking problem, he quit drinking, and started going to AA.

What you wrote -- He quit drinking last Thurs and now is working out and constantly emailing me and calling me and being really gushy. This is really causing alot of guilt for me. I don't know what I should do. I was at the point that I'd had it and now he's killing me w/guilt and making me feel sorry for him. -- really hit home!!!!!!!

Ever since my husband quit, he's a totally different person too! it's like living with gandhi! so sweet, telling me he loves me, i'm beautiful, etc. suddenly best pals with his family that he avoided like the plague for all of our marriage. working out. admitting responsibility to all the things that drove me crazy for years.

in any case, it helps so much to have people going thru similar situations to talk to/write to -- contact me at any time.

for your situation, all i can say is that it's so early on -- you have to see if he can stay sober. but whether he does or he doesn't you need to decide if you still want to stay -- you don't have to and no one should make you feel guilty about it. stay strong and listen to your little inner voice.

meli2005

I think you are just going to have to give him time to prove himself. Actions speak louder than words. He may also need some professional help as well and AA wouldn't be a bad thing either. Alanon would be good for you.

harleygirl92156

My RAH could stop drinking for months if he needed to do so in order to get his way. Once he proved his point and sucked me back in he would go right back too it.

It took being arrested for chasing me out of our home with a loaded gun and shooting it at me for him to admit he had a problem and seek help. He has been sober nearly 16 months and I am still looking for (and right now seeing it)the actions that live up to the words. BUT, it took a year before I let my guard down a little.

Point is, a week of not drinking proves NOTHING.

Is he attending AA?
Is he going to counseling?
Is he in a treatment program?

If you answer no to any or all of the above questions, hold your ground and don't let him guilt you into doing anything!
Do what is best for you and your children. Search deep within yourself and you will find what that is. As your HP for help and he will guide you in the right direction.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest!

FormerDoormat

I think counseling is in order for you and your hubby, if he's willing to attend. I agree with the others, a few days of no drinking doesn't convince me that he's serious this time. And the sweet talk is just another form of manipulation.

Your AH needs to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. You say you're done drinking, honey? Don't tell me. SHOW ME.

Welcome to SR.

denny57

I stayed with my AH for 18 years. Wish I had had the knowledge and strength to leave at 11. But we're apart now and I am thankful every day I did what was right for me. I went through many episodes like you describe. It's my opinion nothing will change until he gets into a recovery program and works on himself.

Good luck.

Ayers1995

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is really great to have a place to go to and find support and advice. I finally asked him to not keep sending me the gushy emails telling me how beautiful and gorgeous I am and then I didn't hear from him until I got home last night. (Unusual, b/c he sends emails every 10 min.. no exaggeration). Apparently that hurt his feelings, so he bought a bottle. The new thing is, to ask ME if it's OK for him to have a drink! Do I have a problem with it? I said, "Do YOU"? He said "NO"! .... didn't I prove that the past 2 weeks (??? he must mean 6 days). I tried to remember everything I've read about not being able to control it, and I really didn't know how to answer him. He is putting the problem on ME... as to get my permission. I knew if I blew up about it, there would be a huge ordeal and I'd never get any rest. I guess I must learn to be stronger and just continue with my plans and move on.
Again... I appreciate the support.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Feel your pain. Thank God I have NO CHILDREN . Don't Listen is easy for me to say and I know because I hear the pleading and begging and the dry weeks blah blah... Kids are too young to have to be subjected to such dysfunction and pain... Do what you think is best for them they are the lights of this world let them shine.

kmagk

God am I going through the same thing, married to an alcoholic who is begging me to stay and begging me to believe he is recovering. Yet everytime I upset him he turns to the bottle. I have 3 kids who I think deserve their mom & dad living together with them. Yet I know I can guarantee their well being by leaving their dad. For the ;ast 2 years all I have heard is "I'm done, I don't even crave alcohol anymore, Im tired of being sick, I've lost you, Ima t my bottom" Everytime I think he has hit bottom, it gets lower. My little girl is always asking for her daddy, she makes hiom pictures and cries for him, my 8 year old son knows he is better off wityhout him in our house, but still hopes he can return one day. At the same time my son also says he knows his dad will never get better. Hate to say it but it seems he is right. I think I am more worried about how my husband will make it without us then how well off we will be.

megamysterioso

If I were you kmagk, I would put my children first and foremost. I'm sorry that you are going through this tough time, but AHs are the masters of manipulating situations so that we feel guilty.

If I decide to leave, I'm worried about my husband's demise as well. I have come to realize though that it will be a path that HE ultimately chooses and it will have nothing to do with me. I have no control over his destiny (nor do I WANT control). He's a big boy and has lived without me before.

Maybe you should consider a legal separation for "x" amount of time while he is in recovery. If he is serious, it will take quite a bit of time for him to "prove himself." It will take even more time for you to come to grips on whether or not you can trust him. I think you need time away to sort things out. Keep posting and I wish you the best.

Ayers1995

Hi Kmagk, Mega and I are going through alot of the same issues w/the guilt and manipulations. I believe if you've been strong enough to make the initial move...then you will be strong enough to continue. Your children are better...if your son knows that your husband is 'sick' and won't get better, then that tells you something. I am sure that your daughter misses him too, continue to let her draw and color him pictures and save them for him. My kids all know their daddy drinks 101! It's a humiliating fact in my house! It's the reason I made my resolution this year!
I just haven't been able to get past the Codependant thinking!

kmagk

My husband and I have legally been separated for over a year and he just got worse. He made attempts to stop drinking, but his problems became worse every time he picked up. Now that it's been over a year it's decision time and I am scared and he is begging saying he relaly gets it this time. He says he never stopped before because he didn't realize there was any chance that we would get back together. I told him thats why we were separated for a year before filing for divorce and that was his time to prove to us that he would get help. Here it is over a year later, we have just grown further apart and he wants us back. He says he now knows what he lost and he will do whatever it takes to get us back. Just seems to me that it's too late and only a matter of time before he relapses. Today he got out of rehab (about 10 days) 1 hypnotism session and I asked him what his recourse was for relapse prevention, he says well they put me on some meds. I was hoping to hear something about AA and/or God. No such luck!

kmagk

My husband and I have legally been separated for over a year and he just got worse. He made attempts to stop drinking, but his problems became worse every time he picked up. Now that it's been over a year it's decision time and I am scared and he is begging saying he relaly gets it this time. He says he never stopped before because he didn't realize there was any chance that we would get back together. I told him thats why we were separated for a year before filing for divorce and that was his time to prove to us that he would get help. Here it is over a year later, we have just grown further apart and he wants us back. He says he now knows what he lost and he will do whatever it takes to get us back. Just seems to me that it's too late and only a matter of time before he relapses. Today he got out of rehab (about 10 days) 1 hypnotism session and I asked him what his recourse was for relapse prevention, he says well they put me on some meds. I was hoping to hear something about AA and/or God. No such luck!

kmagk

My husband and I have legally been separated for over a year and he just got worse. He made attempts to stop drinking, but his problems became worse every time he picked up. Now that it's been over a year it's decision time and I am scared and he is begging saying he relaly gets it this time. He says he never stopped before because he didn't realize there was any chance that we would get back together. I told him thats why we were separated for a year before filing for divorce and that was his time to prove to us that he would get help. Here it is over a year later, we have just grown further apart and he wants us back. He says he now knows what he lost and he will do whatever it takes to get us back. Just seems to me that it's too late and only a matter of time before he relapses. Today he got out of rehab (about 10 days) 1 hypnotism session and I asked him what his recourse was for relapse prevention, he says well they put me on some meds. I was hoping to hear something about AA and/or God. No such luck!

LaTeeDa

So, let him prove it. Actions, not words. So what if you stay separated, or even get a divorce. Where is it written that you can never get back together. Let him know that you expect actions, not empty promises. Then get on with doing what you need to do. If he is truly recovering, you will see that in time (and I don't mean something like next week, more like a year from what I hear.) Let him know that it took a long time for your marriage to get messed up, and you need time to see if he is really serious about fixing it. Then get on with your life. That way, if he is BSing, you will be that much farther along when the truth comes out. I really think they try to pressure us in to decisions because they don't want to make long term changes. Addiction is all about instant gratification, after all.

L