Ayers1995

Sorry to hear that he doesn't have a plan Kmagk. I know it is difficult now to make those decisions. Just wait....it's hard... I read it alot on here, but their all right. Wait.. and see if he proves himself.

You said that you found someone who cares for you and the kids, What are your feelings for this person? Do you possibly love them? If so, then why give up something positive? I'm just wondering, b/c if I ever get out of the mess I'm in, and I find someone...they'd have to drag me back kicking and screaming. Happiness... we're learning it's hard to have...to be if we are focusing on the A in our lives.

kmagk

Sorry about the triple post there, I didnt realize the forum accepted it as I kept getting an error msg.
Anyways, I'm thinking the same it's time to move on. I think I'm almost afraid that this is it, he's going to get it together right when I finally decide to move on. Good Lord ~
I am insane!

kmagk

Hi Ayers,
Yes I found someone else and after the 1st year I introduced him to my children and family and we all love him and he loves us. He is wonderful, stable, happy & healthy. He takes excellent care of us. Although I am so happy with him, I'm afraid of walking out on my kid's dad. Not that he has been much of one. All in all the new guys has been there the equal amount of time my husband has been sober. Ya know?
I just feel so guilty to let a boyfriend influence my final decision when I feel I shouldn't have had one in the first place as I wasn't divorced yet.
One thing is that I trust my boyfriend. As for my husband- one example: My husband & I were grocery shopping - I spent 300$, he says I'll pull up the car (he had been sober for 2 weeks) he leaves gets drunk, comes back 30 mins later squealing wheels and making a fool out of me. Oct 2005 my boyfriend took me on a cruise to Bermuda, my 1st trip out of the US, 1st sight of blue water. He was so happy to see me happy & he had my complete trust. It just amazes me that w/ my husband I cant go tothe grocery store without worrying to death, yet this guy can take me out of teh country I can hand him all my $, keys and ID w/o worrying about him being there when I get back. Why do I still ? my actions

megamysterioso

Hi Kmagk. Yes- good relationships MUST have trust and without it, there can really be no love in my opinion. It is amazing how the simplest things in life (going to the store, going out to eat, going to watch a ballgame) can become stressful situations when accompanied with an A.

My AH and I have ruined so many occassions that were supposed to be "happy"- birthdays, anniversaries, etc. After each rotten incident, we would say something like, "we were supposed to have so much fun." I cried many a time thinking how pathetic it was and how all I wanted was "something good" and no matter what I tried, we could never have "anything good." Sorry for rambling, but I understand your confusion and pain.

Since you are already separated from him, please move forward in your life. You WILL be better off without him. As for the new guy, he sounds great. I would take it slow though and make the most of your own recovery. He'll be patient if he's that great.

kmagk

No need to apologoize for rambling, this is the place to do it. I am sorry you have to deal with this pain as well. It is all to familiar. "we were supposed to have so much fun."
I hated crying; on every holiday, every birthday, everyday that was suppose to be happy it seemed he drank and ruined all the good times, in reality he drank everyday, I guess the special days just seemed worse because I knew- this isn't the way it should be. You are not suppose to cry on Christmas. I have spent tooooooo many nights curled up on the couch crying "I can't take it anymore" waiting for a phone call from; him, his friends, even the police just so I would know he's okay. Then there were the days when I even enjoyed crying on the couch because at least he wasn't home, at least I didn't have to hear him; yell, cry, or just watch him make a fool of himself. Wow as I read my own words I am confused as to why I would even think about going back to him. I can't imagine that it's worth the risk, but then I think of my children and the good times. We did have good times. When he is sober he is wonderful, just too few and too far between. It can't be worth the insanity, the chaos, the complete dysfunction.....

megamysterioso

No, it's not worth it especially since you have kids. I don't have kids caught up in this mess and feel very lucky for that. The good times are too few and far between. Yes, it seems that holidays and special occassions are the worst as it gives the A "justification" to drink more than perhaps they normally would. When my AH goes on a total bender- no amount is ever be enough. It always gets very very ugly and ends miserably.

I wish you all the best and please continue to rebuild your life as best you can without sharing your home with him. Who knows? He may one day recover and you can have a decent and trusting relationship with him for the sake of the children. Until then though, I think your kids are much safer and will be happier sans the chaos. I KNOW you will be too .

kmagk

True enough, I really appreciate all of your kindness, wisdom and advice. I have been running my brain ragged trying to figure the best & right thing to do. As obvious as it seems I really haven't been sure of myself. After chatting with you all I feel so much more confident in my decision. I guess I have made so many bad choices always trying to make the right one instead of just trying to make my choice. This forum has truly been a blessing, you all are a blessing.

kmagk

Mega, I am wondering why you have stayed ? What keeps you in this circle of pain. You seem so kind and wise, you absolutely deserve better.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Oh you are ALL so on target with how I feel ...so on target I need to just put out a response post a thread about this so Ayers you have really started an awesome thread here and for me all of the replys are so on it here for me. I am going to try to post my reply into a new thread because I would be hijacking this thread and don't want to but if you guys reply there that is good too. Whatever i just need to do that.

Ayers1995

Hi Irish.. gonna go read your thread. I'm so glad to have everyone posting and giving their feelings. It helps to feel like i'm not the only one.

megamysterioso

Irsh-- start that new thread! I can't wait to read it.

To answer your question K, I am a kind person and I do deserve better (just like EVERYONE on this board), but I guess I was never really wise in the realm of co-dependency and the truly destructive nature of alcoholism on another person's psychie!! SR has really helped me analyze my relationship through the eyes of recovery.

I've only been married for 3 1/2 years and I've had my own experiences with drugs/alcohol and with other addicts. One of the great loves in my life was a severe alcoholic/drug addict. I was with him on/off for 6 years a long time ago and went through the ups and downs with him then. I ended that relationship permanantly b/c of the vicious cycle. No matter how much I reached out to him, nothing "worked." I love him til this day and although I really have no idea where he is now, he and I have remained friends throughout the years and if I saw him today, I'd give him a HUGE hug. Last I heard from him, he was writing me letters from prison.

Ok, so that being said-- I guess I've been a codie for much longer than throughout the course of my current marriage. I have this personality that has always been attracted to "broken" things. The ugliest runt in the litter is the cutest to me, people that I feel are "genuinely good" but have problems-- I see the goodness first. I really feel that throughout my life, I have been trying "to fix" with love. Addiction is SUCH a powerful monster though that there is simply no fixing it. The only person that can is the addict.

I've stuck through my marriage thus far b/c until very recently (I'd say maybe December of last year), ALL I've been doing is "trying to fix it." When you learn about codie tendencies and about detachment, it becomes obviously clear that my energy has truly been wasted. It has also become clear to me that my AH will not change b/c he is NOT ready. I put a lot of value in our wedding vows. I've been guided a lot with guilt and did not want to leave him through the "worse" of the "better or for worse" vow. As many have pointed out to me in this forum though, he has not lived up to his wedding vows himself. I needed to let go the guilt and figure out what was best for me for a change. I do have an appt. with a divorce attorney on Friday and intend to proceed in the pursuit of my own happiness.

I can already feel it starting to sting a bit tho ---- I am far from wise!!!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Oh Mega me too "the ugliest runt in the litter" was actuallytwo of my greatest emotionally damaging loves both were not so hot looking but I loved them the A and the NA oh what a life. You are right there is truly no fixing it. Ugh. Hurts. Divorce attorney at least you have a start even though it stings. Just go and let go and let god or your higher power guide. Will be checking in posted the new thread too. Thanks

kmagk

Best wishes to you Mega I know it's not what you ever intended, same here, but it is time to live for you. You need to consider your life. Decide what kind of life you want and make it happen. With my husband I finally realized it needed to end when I thought long and hard about my children. They deserve a father who will walk so that they can follow in his footsteps and I certainly don't want them to live as he has for the last 10 years. If and when he sobers up then he can be a part of their life and I pray to GOd that happens soon for his sake and theirs.
God be with you Mega, I think you are on the right track : )

megamysterioso

Thank you so much kmagk and you have definitely done the right thing for the sake of you and your kids. I cannot even imagine trying to protect and raise children in this type of environment. You are very strong. God bless you too .