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Old 01-16-2003, 11:44 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi folks changed my avatar cause my headache is gone...but I am just a puppy....I still have a lot of living, loving, and learning to do.

actually I did it because it looks so much like the first thing I ever really let go of.....and let my H.P. take care of...

Sunbeams and Blessing
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Old 01-16-2003, 12:55 PM
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You know this post triggered so much pain in me that I'm at work and all I can do is sit here and cry.

I realize that almost everything inside me has "died". I have no need, I choose to love with my head not my heart. I've searched for God's love for many many years and have not found it yet. I keep wondering in this desert. I realized that the part of me that has been waiting for God is about to die. I hold on to it with every once of strength I have, but I am almost ready to give up. Which might be a good thing, I don't know. He can love me without my help.

There are a lot of dead parts of me that will have to be brought back to life before I'm able to accept or even need anything. There is no void, there is no need. When I say I can't do it that God will have to do it I'm saying that there is no spiritual connection. Not in the love department. I hear him and I learn from him, but I cannot accept love. That part of me is gone. I am powerless and too damaged. I've been beaten to death.

I usually know better than to post when I feel this way because in a couple of days I will probably understand better, but when Searching said I have a deeper spiritual connection I knew my communication came out wrong. I've been through this death experience about 45 times with different parts of who I am. So I will step one myself and know that only a power greater than myself can restore me to anything.

Hugs and sorry for being so morbid and depressing. This too shall pass.

MG
 
Old 01-16-2003, 01:04 PM
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dear mg,
as always your post take away my breath. i do so need to hear your candor and honesty. no holds barred. my heart breaks for you and the paths you've traveled have been difficult and unsurmontable at times,YET, you have gone on and you seek and share your trials and joys.
grief and loss and reality andhope. it's all so intertwined. i hope you can find a warmer spot in the world if only in my prayers of thanks for you. tons of hugs from a friend who treasures you, just the way you are.
hugs from sugar
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Old 01-16-2003, 03:44 PM
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TO MG


The search is over.

God lives inside of us

I know he is inside of you because he speaks to me through you all the time.
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Last edited by Stephanie; 01-16-2003 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 01-16-2003, 03:55 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hey MG?

Whether you accept it or not... I love you.

Smokie
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Old 01-16-2003, 03:56 PM
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MG,

I'm not minimizing your pain, I know it's very real. It's hard to communicate what I have come to believe about recovery with respect to its spiritual principals. It has saved my life and I want for you to find happiness because you're such a beautiful person and you deserve it.
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Old 01-16-2003, 04:04 PM
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How do u grive for the loss of a relationship that you still want????

When does the hurt go away.
One second i long for him to hug me or hold me or just tell me I LOVE YOU.

And the next I dont even want to look at him.

I went thru all of this stuff with my mother when i was young.

But this seems so much harder. I know i love this man with everything in me..

But how are you able to put all the stuff that has been done to you by someone who you vowed before god to love honnor and charish. and they vowed the same.

I dont recall his vows saying i will lie, and take money behind your back. and then ask for your forgiveness..

and when given it .... i will start all over again with my lies ect.

how do you all do it?? how do you get past the history. you cant put it behind you because they say forget the past and u are destined to relive it.

So if any of you can tell the ways that you have managed to deal with this. it would be of great help.

i dont want to lose my husband but it feels as thou ..... i might be.
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Old 01-16-2003, 04:42 PM
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MG,

I have not learned how to give my love away easily.
For I too have been hurt. I have not known you too
long, but I would give you all that I have, if it
would help. God can and will and has.

Love & hugs,
Vinnie
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Old 01-16-2003, 07:42 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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(((((MG)))))

Dearly Beloved God,
In whom I lay my trust,
Please give me new life.
Fill every cell of my being, transform each thought, cleanse every heartbeat,
That I may be as You would have me be.
Take away the darkness of my past.
Fill me with Your blessing and graciousness.
Allow me rebirth from the many deaths I have endured in this life.
Dear God,
I have been through the wars.
Where I have been weak, please make me strong.
Where I perceive myself as guilty, please show me my innocence.
Where I block my healing or full empowerment or full experience of love and joy, please show me my wound and take from me its sting.
May I experience the beauty, the abundance, the power, and the joy that is Your wish for all mankind,
That I might be a vessel for these things in the lives of others.
Please cast away the darkness from my life.
I know Yours is the power,
I know Yours are the holy truths, the currents of love and power that remain.
And so I ask, dear God, please remove the burdens on my heart.
Cast out the darkness from my mind and my environs.
May I see your light at the center of my being.
I believe in Your power within me.
I know it is there.
Dear God, help me find it.
I have faith in your light.
Please show it to me that I might give up the fight to be anything other than who I am.
May I fly with angels and sing with angels and know the angels in myself and others
Henceforth and forever as You have promised.
Please hold my hand.
Please move me forward.
Thank you, Lord.
Amen.

- Marianne Williamson

I love you too, my friend.
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Old 01-16-2003, 08:11 PM
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MG

We may be the walking wounded, but we're not dead yet. My heart and prayers go out to you, and in the meantime I am here to lean on if the journey becomes too tiring. It may be "the blind leading the blind", but we'll travel the road together.

Just know I love you and care.
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Old 01-16-2003, 08:17 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Dop I am so sorry for intruding on your post like this. I was triggered and it's huge.

Thank you all for your love and kindness.

Margo,

That is exactly how I feel. I can't tell you how much it helped me to say that prayer. I have such a hard time putting my feelings into words.

Thank you so much.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 01-16-2003, 08:21 PM
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Darlin' MG - you are so very welcome. I would do much to help you. I have used that prayer in times of darkness in the past and I would bawl like a baby while saying it. But the tears were healing and I always had such a sense of peace afterwards.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Last edited by margo; 01-16-2003 at 08:25 PM.
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Old 01-16-2003, 08:32 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Margo - I also thought that was a beautiful and appropriate prayer. Thank you.

Dop - this may be a painful thread, but I think it is also an extremely healing one for me. As usual it was right here exactly when I needed it. Thank you.
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Old 01-16-2003, 08:52 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Post

MG! I'm not possessive about threads. I'm glad you decided to talk about the feelings that were triggered. I have to confess to some slight guilt over the triggering, especially when there have been many nights when it was a post from you that made me feel good. I'm hugging you for all I'm worth.

All the responses here have been very comforting. I was thinking I was weird again. You guys are the greatest!

Dop
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Old 01-17-2003, 05:24 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Cold Heart

Dear friend,

Your post brought home to me so many feelings that I have been trying to avoid. The coldness had become a very big part of my life. I never laugh any more and I don't think that I could smile if I tryed. Many times I felt like someone had replaced my heart with a big block of Ice. I never new why I felt that way untill I visited this board and read some of the post. That block started melting when I saw that I truly was not alone. All that time I felt so alone and I wasn't . Then there was just plain good advice. And then finally the love that each member shows to each other. I spent some time reading the post before I had the strangth to post myself. I am still with my A and I miss the sober man that I married so many years ago. But, I now know that that man is gone forever and so is that woman that I was them. I have felt to deep to ever be her again. I can go on from here. I WILL find my smile and I WILL laugh freely again.

Just like everyone else here I am sending you Love. Your post has help so many us. Your post has helped my feel less cold.
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Old 01-17-2003, 05:35 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Peanut,

Don't know if anyone has welcomed you her or not,
but welcome!!! And thanks sooo much for the post. Keep
sharing.

Blessings,
Vinnie
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Old 01-17-2003, 05:48 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Dop, thanks for a great thread! So many times a thread in here touches apart of me I have never talked about but simply accepted. I am healing now by the grace of God but I, too, have been where you are.

MG-isn't funny how so many people find truth, wisdom and solace in your posts? You truly are a gift from God to many of us. I am sorry that you are struggling today, but you said that in a few days you would see clearer and I believe you will. I have never seen anything keep you down for long. You seem to have an endless well of support and love and I have truly grown so much reading your posts. I agree with searching...God speaks through you!

Much love

~piggle~
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Old 01-18-2003, 05:56 PM
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Dop - I love your preciseness of expression, you certainly have a way with words. You defined a feeling I know and have never much examined.

MG....I was dead and mostly still am. What you say makes perfect sense to me. Every once in a while I get a little piece of life back. Usually from the eagerness, enthusiasm and appreciation of my gym buddy friend...it is his response to what I try to share with him that evokes this. I thought it would come from my grandson, but it is a 16 yr old kid.
I, like you, am used to the void. It is simply my reality that I live with.
Sometimes I hide it and package it well. Somedays it's just my bare bones.
Too many losses, too many deaths.
I would not want the people I love to know I feel this way, they would feel they do not matter enough to me.
live
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Old 01-19-2003, 08:47 AM
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Originally posted by liveweyerd

I would not want the people I love to know I feel this way, they would feel they do not matter enough to me.
live
(((((((((Liveweyerd)))))))

If you matter to them then they would want to be able to be there for you. Don't keep those you love at a distance to protect them. Oftentimes people in our lives who love us would like nothing more than to really know how we feel. If they truly love you, they won't make it about them, they'll be happy you care about them enough to open up.

Said with love, even though you didn't ask

S
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Old 01-19-2003, 08:55 AM
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Searching,

I will think about what you said. I had my daughter in mind. She knows how I struggle with depression and is there for me. She also worries about me. She would definitely be jealous and offended if she felt my gym buddy was more important....and he's not....but he gives me something no one or nothing else does. It would also hurt her on behalf of the baby. There isn't anything she can do differently....about the depression problems.

live
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