Need Your Great Advice -- Husband 3 wks sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: My Own Private Hell
Posts: 25
Need Your Great Advice -- Husband 3 wks sober
hello everyone, have read some really great posts in this section. hope you can help with my story... been married 14 years and have two young kids. i don't drink more than one drink at a party or dinner, but always assumed that i was the strange one, and my husband was the "normal" one, when he'd drink a whole bottle of wine at dinner; or have a cocktail, several glasses of wine, and an after-dinner drink out to dinner. i wouldn't have said he was an alcoholic, but there were times he embarrassed me at parties, times i had to drive home, and he did get a dui several years ago that he totally blew off as nothing. he was a great dad and was "functioning" in my mind.
four years ago we were refinancing our home and he had me sign a power of attorney so i didn't have to go to the closing. a year later i found out he had cashed out a large sum of money from our equity, rolled it into the mortgage, and paid off some business debts without telling me. this sent me into a tailspin. we went to two counselors, i went to two counselors, and even tried anti-depressants, but couldn't shake the creepy feeling -- even the psychiatrist said, "not only was this awful, it was illegal!" two months ago i discovered he was back at the financial deception and had rung our equity line up very high with "loans" to his business and a $35k amex bill that was sent to his office and paid from an account i had no access to. i told him that was it; that i was ready to leave; was heartsick that he would do this again after he saw what it did to me the first time. i demanded all the equity statements and amex bills -- discovered that about $4k of the amex went for liquor stores and bars -- and i never saw how much he was spending. we tried our third counselor, and three weeks ago i told him i thought it was time for a divorce.
three days later he told me he thought he was an alcoholic, went to aa, and has been going daily ever since. i should be happy, right? wrong. i feel like he ripped the tablecloth off the table and it's like living with gandhi! now it's all about him, his drinking, and aa. i don't know who this person is. suddenly he feels awful about the dui. suddenly he wants to reconnect with his family who he avoided all our married life. suddenly he's stopped snapping at me and arguing for no reason. it's like he had a religious conversion. he says i saved his life by telling him i wanted a divorce; that he would not have "hit bottom" otherwise. i keep trying to explain to him that i experienced all these things and suffered with him, but am still the same person, still grieving. i have tried al-anon, and i don't doubt it's helpful for many, but it didn't seem "empowering" to me -- seemed all about getting thru another day. everyone says you should not do anything major for six months with new sobriety. i guess i just feel suspicious. seems like it was too easy for him to quit. seems like i should "forgive and forget" but i am still seething.
i have ordered some books about sobriety and am trying to read everything i can get my hands on, but feel so lost.
does anyone have any words of wisdom to someone who desperately needs them?
four years ago we were refinancing our home and he had me sign a power of attorney so i didn't have to go to the closing. a year later i found out he had cashed out a large sum of money from our equity, rolled it into the mortgage, and paid off some business debts without telling me. this sent me into a tailspin. we went to two counselors, i went to two counselors, and even tried anti-depressants, but couldn't shake the creepy feeling -- even the psychiatrist said, "not only was this awful, it was illegal!" two months ago i discovered he was back at the financial deception and had rung our equity line up very high with "loans" to his business and a $35k amex bill that was sent to his office and paid from an account i had no access to. i told him that was it; that i was ready to leave; was heartsick that he would do this again after he saw what it did to me the first time. i demanded all the equity statements and amex bills -- discovered that about $4k of the amex went for liquor stores and bars -- and i never saw how much he was spending. we tried our third counselor, and three weeks ago i told him i thought it was time for a divorce.
three days later he told me he thought he was an alcoholic, went to aa, and has been going daily ever since. i should be happy, right? wrong. i feel like he ripped the tablecloth off the table and it's like living with gandhi! now it's all about him, his drinking, and aa. i don't know who this person is. suddenly he feels awful about the dui. suddenly he wants to reconnect with his family who he avoided all our married life. suddenly he's stopped snapping at me and arguing for no reason. it's like he had a religious conversion. he says i saved his life by telling him i wanted a divorce; that he would not have "hit bottom" otherwise. i keep trying to explain to him that i experienced all these things and suffered with him, but am still the same person, still grieving. i have tried al-anon, and i don't doubt it's helpful for many, but it didn't seem "empowering" to me -- seemed all about getting thru another day. everyone says you should not do anything major for six months with new sobriety. i guess i just feel suspicious. seems like it was too easy for him to quit. seems like i should "forgive and forget" but i am still seething.
i have ordered some books about sobriety and am trying to read everything i can get my hands on, but feel so lost.
does anyone have any words of wisdom to someone who desperately needs them?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome warriorprincess, So glad you found us.
We really learn a lot from the posts.
I do not have advise really, we kinda have to go with our gut. The way you feel is perfectly normal, read and study some more, there is soo much to learn.
Three weeks sober is not very much sober time, many A's slip.
This might be a very quiet time of the night, but others will be along to share.
Sorry you have to go through all this. Keep coming back and , HUGS
We really learn a lot from the posts.
I do not have advise really, we kinda have to go with our gut. The way you feel is perfectly normal, read and study some more, there is soo much to learn.
Three weeks sober is not very much sober time, many A's slip.
This might be a very quiet time of the night, but others will be along to share.
Sorry you have to go through all this. Keep coming back and , HUGS
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Isn't he wonderful all of a sudden? Aren't you the poop head for not being thrilled at this recovery? Poppycock! I'm with you, let's back up here. I take issue with recoverythat refers to those casualties scatterd along the path of their grand epiphany that came at the very first corner they backed them self into. There is a matter of thousands of dollars and all their lies that came with the theft. He's had an epiphany about what he can't live without, you've had an epiphany about what you can't live with. He's betrayed you, he got up everyday and decided to lie to you. You want his well and you wish him well, but he is not a trustworthy husband becasue he is such a practiced liar. What else don't you know? You can decide to try, trying doesn't come with guarentees. You have a right to feel rage and you have a right to feel unsafe. You do what's best for you.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Princess, don't believe one word he is saying right now. If in fact he has reached his bottom then right now he doesn't know if he is coming or going with only 3 weeks under his belt.
It sometimes takes up to 6 months for the fog to lift. Right now he's probably on a "pink cloud."
Let his actions, not his words, show you whether he really means to take to sobriety.
Alanon can be a help to you. It is not "all empowering" it is a lot of hard work to learn how to change our reactions to the alcoholics in our lives. I had to use the 12 steps of AA to get sober and 3 years into sobriety had to go to alanon also to continue to work on me and change my attitudes and reactions.
Please keep posting and sharing here, you will get love and HONEST feedback from those who have been where you are now.
We do understand and we do care very much.
Welcome to SR.
JMHO
Love and (((((to all)))))j,
It sometimes takes up to 6 months for the fog to lift. Right now he's probably on a "pink cloud."
Let his actions, not his words, show you whether he really means to take to sobriety.
Alanon can be a help to you. It is not "all empowering" it is a lot of hard work to learn how to change our reactions to the alcoholics in our lives. I had to use the 12 steps of AA to get sober and 3 years into sobriety had to go to alanon also to continue to work on me and change my attitudes and reactions.
Please keep posting and sharing here, you will get love and HONEST feedback from those who have been where you are now.
We do understand and we do care very much.
Welcome to SR.
JMHO
Love and (((((to all)))))j,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hi and welcome WP,can relate and do understand where you are comming from.The alcoholic,goes from one extreem to another.Changes takes time.Healing takes time.Getting out of finacial issues takes time.It all starts one step at a time.As long as i kept checking up on what another does or doesnt do,i was lost myself.So when does all this stuff end?It ends with my own recovery.For this is where my own healing begins.All the past happened,and cannot be changed.What can change is me.Staying stuck,only hurts me..I needed to work through all of these,thoughts/feelings of mine,before i can begin to heal.Today is a new day,for everyone.And today can be the beginning of changes.And it starts one day at a time...If he is serious,the Ghandi,stage will pass....smile...
Thanks for letting me share,
Prayers for you both on da road to recovery,
God Bless,and take care!!!!
Thanks for letting me share,
Prayers for you both on da road to recovery,
God Bless,and take care!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
ThE AA program is EXTREMELY selfish. One way to get the alcoholic to feel good about himself so he won't drink is to make getting out of all responsibilities for all the horrible crap he did while drinking easy by making an amend. Usually he will say- 'Gee I am so sorry for all the harm I've caused you' and think all should be well and forgiven. It makes your recovery so much harder. My husband is 27 years sober. He ran up about $60,000 in credit card debit and had an affair with an AA woman after sobriety. He is addicted to and brain washed by the program. He could not understand why I just could not turn over and forgive a 9 years sometimes sexual , very emotionalLY bonding affair and hidding unacceptable spending. Just like Bill w he is a liar and a cheat while being held in high regard in the AA program.
If you get some individual counseling this may help. Of course I know you may not be able to afford it due to your H's spending. I have the same lack of extra funds. At 61 I now work 7 days a week so that maybe we will have enough money to live on if we can ever retire. hugs. dax
If you get some individual counseling this may help. Of course I know you may not be able to afford it due to your H's spending. I have the same lack of extra funds. At 61 I now work 7 days a week so that maybe we will have enough money to live on if we can ever retire. hugs. dax
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: London
Posts: 5
Hi, I'm new here too. My Ah has been sober for 2 weeks. Although Im so relieved, I'm also on tender hooks. Will it last?
Anyway, where my life used to revolve around his drinking, it now revolves around his not drinking. I read some peoples stories and wonder if the rest of my life will be about his drinking or his not drinking.
The only advice I can offer is to take care of you and to become as independant as possible. If he makes ammends you can eventually get through it if you want to, but if he deceives you again or if you've reached the point of no return, don't feel guilty, its his doing, not yours.
Anyway, where my life used to revolve around his drinking, it now revolves around his not drinking. I read some peoples stories and wonder if the rest of my life will be about his drinking or his not drinking.
The only advice I can offer is to take care of you and to become as independant as possible. If he makes ammends you can eventually get through it if you want to, but if he deceives you again or if you've reached the point of no return, don't feel guilty, its his doing, not yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
What I did in order to decide is to separate myself from him but live in the same house. The kids and I were a unit, he was a unit. We ran our schedule, he ran his. I did nothing for him and asked nothing in return. I broke out the money that I was putting into the marital pot and that became money for what I wanted to spend it on. I didn't answer to him, he didn't answer to me. He was invited for dinner but I wasn't calling him- sometimes he ate alone because he fell back into old patterns. I was nice to him but I wasn't his friend - as he hadn't been mine for many years. These things were my gift to myself. It gave me time to regroup and really decide what I was going to do.
I struggle still with the selfishness of AA. It seems to be working for him but the fallout has just been a huge price to pay for me. As an active alcoholic, he was selfish in his addiction. As an AA'er, he's selfish *and* pious. The only thing that I can say about that is that, at some point, the tide will turn, and you will know what will be best for you. For me, it wasn't about love. It was about self respect and teaching my children something better. When I was able to break my mind and heart apart, what I wanted became very clear.
I struggle still with the selfishness of AA. It seems to be working for him but the fallout has just been a huge price to pay for me. As an active alcoholic, he was selfish in his addiction. As an AA'er, he's selfish *and* pious. The only thing that I can say about that is that, at some point, the tide will turn, and you will know what will be best for you. For me, it wasn't about love. It was about self respect and teaching my children something better. When I was able to break my mind and heart apart, what I wanted became very clear.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
I got a strong sense of betrayal from your message. His financial deceptions, scams, lying, and betrayal has left you with a lot of strong emotions.
Three weeks sober is very early. When he gets to a year, and when he is diligently working a recovery program, and when his behaviour matches his words, then you might be able to start trusting him again.
I appreciate that you didn't find much help in Al-anon. I would like to suggest that you try a different group, in a different location. I go to as many as three meetings a week, and some groups are simply just better than others. There is one group that I attend that has been tremendously helpful to me.
Al-anon requires the family member to work their own program and look at their own stuff, which can be painful and difficult. As a co-dependent person, it was much easier for me to simply blame everything on the alcoholic. Now I attend to my own inventory, and I let God attend to the alcoholic's. This is detachment, and it feels great!
Right now, the best thing you can do is get some help for your own emotional issues, especially around his betrayals and deception.
Keep coming back. You will find some great wisdom here from the SR members.
Three weeks sober is very early. When he gets to a year, and when he is diligently working a recovery program, and when his behaviour matches his words, then you might be able to start trusting him again.
I appreciate that you didn't find much help in Al-anon. I would like to suggest that you try a different group, in a different location. I go to as many as three meetings a week, and some groups are simply just better than others. There is one group that I attend that has been tremendously helpful to me.
Al-anon requires the family member to work their own program and look at their own stuff, which can be painful and difficult. As a co-dependent person, it was much easier for me to simply blame everything on the alcoholic. Now I attend to my own inventory, and I let God attend to the alcoholic's. This is detachment, and it feels great!
Right now, the best thing you can do is get some help for your own emotional issues, especially around his betrayals and deception.
Keep coming back. You will find some great wisdom here from the SR members.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Maine
Posts: 35
While he's had a "revelation" about his life, you're still dealing with the carnage. And it's maddening to see the A so "happy and holy" when you are still wading through the crap.
I felt this way at first, and still do at times. I have talked to my AH about the frustration I feel when he comes home spouting off things, and he's taken that to heart and toned it down for me.
Have you been to an AA meeting with him? I've been to a few with my AH, and it's an eye opening experience. Taking a look into the lives and feelings of other alcoholics has helped me to understand some of the things my AH is dealing with.
And while the desire to reconnect and make amends may seem false to YOU, they are very real things to him. And things he needs to have to continue with his recovery.
I'm not saying that your feelings are not valid, as they really are. But IMO, in the beginning, the A's recovery and staying sober takes precedence over a lot of things. If you don't like Al-anon, keep coming here to talk about what's going on with you. Give your A the space and time to work on himself. JMHO.
I felt this way at first, and still do at times. I have talked to my AH about the frustration I feel when he comes home spouting off things, and he's taken that to heart and toned it down for me.
Have you been to an AA meeting with him? I've been to a few with my AH, and it's an eye opening experience. Taking a look into the lives and feelings of other alcoholics has helped me to understand some of the things my AH is dealing with.
And while the desire to reconnect and make amends may seem false to YOU, they are very real things to him. And things he needs to have to continue with his recovery.
I'm not saying that your feelings are not valid, as they really are. But IMO, in the beginning, the A's recovery and staying sober takes precedence over a lot of things. If you don't like Al-anon, keep coming here to talk about what's going on with you. Give your A the space and time to work on himself. JMHO.
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