talk about feeling guilty now...whoa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
talk about feeling guilty now...whoa
As I've said here for a few weeks now, I have decided to leave AH. This means I am moving out of state where I have family/friends/support. I decided it is what's best for me and my children. I'm sure all of you know how much that hurts, how you hope/wish it could be different, how much self doubt is involved, etc. I have put my plans in motion and am not informing ah, just going, and leaving a note. As awful as that makes me feel, I know it is the only way I'd actually leave as telling him face to face would end up in my staying. Not because he'd beg but the codie in me would flare and I'd end up apologizing for all that I felt. You know the routine.
Then today gets here, V-day. AH got me the sweetest, most touching card. He wrote about how thankful he is that I have stood by him and how thankful he is for all I do, blah blah blah. It was so touching, talking about how close we are, etc.
In any event, can we say OUCH??? I feel awful and it hurt to know that as I read it, all I could think was "Look at how sweet he is, how much he loves me and I've been planning and sneaking....he doesn't deserve what I'm about to do...."
ugh. HHHEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP
Then today gets here, V-day. AH got me the sweetest, most touching card. He wrote about how thankful he is that I have stood by him and how thankful he is for all I do, blah blah blah. It was so touching, talking about how close we are, etc.
In any event, can we say OUCH??? I feel awful and it hurt to know that as I read it, all I could think was "Look at how sweet he is, how much he loves me and I've been planning and sneaking....he doesn't deserve what I'm about to do...."
ugh. HHHEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Actions speak louder than words sunshine! The words in his card are absolutely beautiful and touching, unfortunately what he does in the "real" world is nothing like the words written in his card!
It's only a card ........ stay strong. I doubt if I helped, but the thought was there!
It's only a card ........ stay strong. I doubt if I helped, but the thought was there!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Stop that....it is one day and one card. Tomorrow will be a different day
with different actions. If you have made up your mind to leave please
do not let this highly celebrated commericialized holiday get in the way.
with different actions. If you have made up your mind to leave please
do not let this highly celebrated commericialized holiday get in the way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
thanks you guys. you're right. boy, that was a close one. funny how I can get caught up in an emotion and at that moment, it feels so powerful as if it's the end of the world. But I come here, talk about it and bam, I am focused again!
Sometimes I miss the obvious, okay, a lot of the time!
Sometimes I miss the obvious, okay, a lot of the time!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
If there is no love in the everyday.... then he probably is just caught up in the day.
I know it feels ouchie..... but you have to remember what is real.... actions hon, not the one day or words.
I know it feels ouchie..... but you have to remember what is real.... actions hon, not the one day or words.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by sunshine003
"Look at how sweet he is, how much he loves me and I've been planning and sneaking....he doesn't deserve what I'm about to do...."
If his written word is honest then maybe you leaving will make him realise his actions have to match up to his written word.
Only wish sometimes that I was as brave as you.....if you want to stick with your plans then stick with them, tomorrow is another day.
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
and that is exactly why I will not see the ex today or tomorrow another special
day. emotions of the day run to high, really blocks the reality of it.
as cynay said love should be everyday not just because a date on the calendar
says so.
day. emotions of the day run to high, really blocks the reality of it.
as cynay said love should be everyday not just because a date on the calendar
says so.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Then today gets here, V-day. AH got me the sweetest, most touching card. He wrote about how thankful he is that I have stood by him and how thankful he is for all I do, blah blah blah. It was so touching, talking about how close we are, etc.
I agree with the others. Just wanted to give you some support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
Not much to add except been there done that. My xbf when sober was very sweet and romantic. Cards for no reason, but then he'd drink, lie about drinking and lately just a mean, nasty drunk. It's hard to not get caught up. I too feel guilty when he says I love you, I need you etc. But I have to force myself to remember all the times he said nice things one day and sooner or later the BS of drinking took over all those nice words (not actions).
Enjoy the card but remember the actions.
Enjoy the card but remember the actions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
yeah, you're right. geez, talk about having to focus on myself and take care of my own needs.....I need to "detach" from my feeling that I shouldn't have any chocolate and fulfill the craving I am now having. aaaahhhh, taking care of myself with babysteps. I'm gonna step right up to the bakery and have at it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 18
I am going through the same thing with my AH... he's trying everything to get me to stay. If you let him know what you are planning, he will make you feel extremely guilty and will try to change for the moment... You stay strong. I am facing every day with his guilty notes and expressions of love NOW THAT HE KNOWS I'M TIRED... but where has it been the past 7 years. You know what you know! If in your heart this is what you need to do... do it.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Sounds like he may be sensing you pulling away and is trying to make sure he reels you back in!
Also, what he said in the card is most likely true, but it only matters if the actions match the words and the feelings. I pray your leaving will open his eyes to what he is losing and then he will seek the help he needs and work to make the actions match the words.
God Bless you, you have a long hard road a head of you, but the journey should be well worth the trip.
Take good care of those babies, they deserve the best you can give them and it appears to me that is your goal too.
Also, what he said in the card is most likely true, but it only matters if the actions match the words and the feelings. I pray your leaving will open his eyes to what he is losing and then he will seek the help he needs and work to make the actions match the words.
God Bless you, you have a long hard road a head of you, but the journey should be well worth the trip.
Take good care of those babies, they deserve the best you can give them and it appears to me that is your goal too.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Sunshine, my ex wrote this to me in May 2004, just after I had issued him the ultimatum - get counselling or I am leaving. As Harley said, he knew I had one foot out of the door. This was pre al-anon and SR and my own counselling journey. In fact, I have just noticed that I joined here the day after I got this. I can honestly say that the 18 months after this were the worst months of my life.
What a load of BS.
Oh, and before I get any smart-arsed comments, of course I see all the hooks and blackmail in there. Now.
My Darling (Minnie)
You are without doubt the most captivating and most beautiful person I have ever met in my entire life. I am fully committed to building us a life brimming full of love happiness, success and romance
We have a past together and we must use that as a learning curve for what the future holds for us. After all, the past has seen us fall in love with each other and has brought us (the business).
You have supported me immensely in the past both financially and emotionally. You have been a tower of strength and regrettably I have not fulfilled your expectations. That is the past..............
From today our rocky past will be treated as the rocks of foundation for our future together.
The future will entail me being honest with you in every aspect of our life together. I promise that you will never feel more loved adored and respected. I will build on our business success to date to ensure as far as possible that we have a secure financial future. I will continue with my counselling sessions in order to recognise and deal with my personal frailties. I will not hide booze from you or drink in secret. I will tell you if I am going out for a drink, although I would prefer to stay in and share a drink. I will consult with you on any contentious business matters.
Despite your Economics background, we are both entrepreneurs and in order to satisfy those latent attributes, we have at times to seize the bull by the horns, especially if it involves a degree of risk. Life is a risk and the measure of success and satisfaction which we achieve in life is reflected in the level of risks which we take. Our risks are all calculated!! Neither of us can be restricted to a regular box. We both live/and want to live at the very edge of the box, if not indeed outside the box completely. Such is the meaning of life and development.
There are things which we want to do, things which we need to do and things which we ought to do. Within reason, I say **** what we ought to do, we will do what we need to do and most importantly what we want to do. Ours is, can be and will be an amazing journey together. Just have faith and don't hold back on anything!!
To thee I pledge my troth.
R
You are without doubt the most captivating and most beautiful person I have ever met in my entire life. I am fully committed to building us a life brimming full of love happiness, success and romance
We have a past together and we must use that as a learning curve for what the future holds for us. After all, the past has seen us fall in love with each other and has brought us (the business).
You have supported me immensely in the past both financially and emotionally. You have been a tower of strength and regrettably I have not fulfilled your expectations. That is the past..............
From today our rocky past will be treated as the rocks of foundation for our future together.
The future will entail me being honest with you in every aspect of our life together. I promise that you will never feel more loved adored and respected. I will build on our business success to date to ensure as far as possible that we have a secure financial future. I will continue with my counselling sessions in order to recognise and deal with my personal frailties. I will not hide booze from you or drink in secret. I will tell you if I am going out for a drink, although I would prefer to stay in and share a drink. I will consult with you on any contentious business matters.
Despite your Economics background, we are both entrepreneurs and in order to satisfy those latent attributes, we have at times to seize the bull by the horns, especially if it involves a degree of risk. Life is a risk and the measure of success and satisfaction which we achieve in life is reflected in the level of risks which we take. Our risks are all calculated!! Neither of us can be restricted to a regular box. We both live/and want to live at the very edge of the box, if not indeed outside the box completely. Such is the meaning of life and development.
There are things which we want to do, things which we need to do and things which we ought to do. Within reason, I say **** what we ought to do, we will do what we need to do and most importantly what we want to do. Ours is, can be and will be an amazing journey together. Just have faith and don't hold back on anything!!
To thee I pledge my troth.
R
Oh, and before I get any smart-arsed comments, of course I see all the hooks and blackmail in there. Now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
minnie, thank you so much for sharing, it's all so familiar....allow me to share one of mine as I am trying to see the manipulation and hooks but struggle a bit.
It is an e mail he sent after an argument we had the night before regarding trust and to me, it's all BS because well, he's a good talker but ssslllloooowwwww walker:
I think you should know just how pissed I was last night. I don't think it's your fault, it's just really to the point that things like last night just drive me completely crazy. I truly don't believe that i did anything wrong or deserved your reaction. I know I have a long way to go to build back complete trust with you but it will be impossible if you are so resistant. I feel like all that i can do is to continue to be completely honest with you, do the right things, not drink, be understanding, and hope for the best. Because of my prior behavior and your current resistance I sometimes doubt if that is enough. Yesterday it proved not to be. Things don't have to be the way they are becoming. We all have to make choices. It's up to us to decide how we want things to be from now on. It's obvious that we both have some scabs and scars, but it is still up to us whether we want to conquer those or use them as an excuse to be miserable, mean, cold, an non-trusting.
I promise to you that I am trying to meet your needs, wants, and expectations. It's easy for me to say that things have changed for me, but I realize it's going to take a long time before you really believe that. I am trying to be understanding and patient but I just don't believe that some of your words/actions are justifiable. That is not to say that your feelings aren't valid to you. They absolutely are. They are your feelings, but you you are in control of how you deal with those, just like I am. Even way before the last month and a half I feel like i have dealt with some of my feelings, scabs and scars more effectively without being negative towards you.
I am more in love with you than ever before. I want to be with you forever, but just like you I realize that the probablility of that happening is not very high if we continue on the path that we are on. I am committed to doing whatever you think may help. I hope you are too.
I love you!
ps. I wish that you would realize that the things I have done in the past to let you down and lose trust are because I'm an immature alcoholic who wanted to keep the drinking nights going on as long as possible and not miss out, but didn't want to have to get permission. I think that you believe my actions were related to being unfaithful. I have acted irresponsibly, been selfish, degrading, and dishonest, but never unfaithful. I don't think I would ever be any of those things without alcohol. It's not an excuse, it's a fact. Hopefully you will give me the chance to show you that.
It is an e mail he sent after an argument we had the night before regarding trust and to me, it's all BS because well, he's a good talker but ssslllloooowwwww walker:
I think you should know just how pissed I was last night. I don't think it's your fault, it's just really to the point that things like last night just drive me completely crazy. I truly don't believe that i did anything wrong or deserved your reaction. I know I have a long way to go to build back complete trust with you but it will be impossible if you are so resistant. I feel like all that i can do is to continue to be completely honest with you, do the right things, not drink, be understanding, and hope for the best. Because of my prior behavior and your current resistance I sometimes doubt if that is enough. Yesterday it proved not to be. Things don't have to be the way they are becoming. We all have to make choices. It's up to us to decide how we want things to be from now on. It's obvious that we both have some scabs and scars, but it is still up to us whether we want to conquer those or use them as an excuse to be miserable, mean, cold, an non-trusting.
I promise to you that I am trying to meet your needs, wants, and expectations. It's easy for me to say that things have changed for me, but I realize it's going to take a long time before you really believe that. I am trying to be understanding and patient but I just don't believe that some of your words/actions are justifiable. That is not to say that your feelings aren't valid to you. They absolutely are. They are your feelings, but you you are in control of how you deal with those, just like I am. Even way before the last month and a half I feel like i have dealt with some of my feelings, scabs and scars more effectively without being negative towards you.
I am more in love with you than ever before. I want to be with you forever, but just like you I realize that the probablility of that happening is not very high if we continue on the path that we are on. I am committed to doing whatever you think may help. I hope you are too.
I love you!
ps. I wish that you would realize that the things I have done in the past to let you down and lose trust are because I'm an immature alcoholic who wanted to keep the drinking nights going on as long as possible and not miss out, but didn't want to have to get permission. I think that you believe my actions were related to being unfaithful. I have acted irresponsibly, been selfish, degrading, and dishonest, but never unfaithful. I don't think I would ever be any of those things without alcohol. It's not an excuse, it's a fact. Hopefully you will give me the chance to show you that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ontario, CA
Posts: 4
Your situation sounds like mine. I think he knows that I want to leave and he's being "supportive", "nice", etc. But still getting sloshed - it's interesting how they become so loving when they think their in the sh*thouse. It took everything I had to keep a straight face while reading the card he gave me:
"Sometimes it's just the fun of sharing happy times and laughter".........Am I missing something here?
"Sometimes it the trust and opennesss between us, the warmth and understanding"..........Your fuccing kidding me right?
"Sometimes it's just knowing that you're there and that you care"............Yeah, I know
[U]Then inside it reads: "These are the things that make you someone special"..........Special enough to put up with your crap and abusive behavior
I almost caught the warm & fuzzies too. Don't fall for it.
"Sometimes it's just the fun of sharing happy times and laughter".........Am I missing something here?
"Sometimes it the trust and opennesss between us, the warmth and understanding"..........Your fuccing kidding me right?
"Sometimes it's just knowing that you're there and that you care"............Yeah, I know
[U]Then inside it reads: "These are the things that make you someone special"..........Special enough to put up with your crap and abusive behavior
I almost caught the warm & fuzzies too. Don't fall for it.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I Feel You!
My AH surprised me with a sentimental gift and a nice card about "a future filled with love and happiness." I got sunshine's guilt feelings almost immediately. He's "cutting down on his drinking" right now and working out at the gym, helping with all household chores, trying to be Mr. Supportive to me and I'm just sick of it all. Why the Hell am I still here???????? My hubby has apologized to me when sober recently by saying, "you have to let go of the past, I was a sick man." Well- I WASN'T sick and don't have that or the "I was drunk" excuse to fall back on. Poor you!!! He told me he was "getting better" and my response was, "while you're getting better, I'm getting sicker." We really don't need this burden ladies. Why do we stay? I've only put up with this crap for 3 1/2 years, but I can't take another 3 1/2 if they're going to be like the first.
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