denny57

I don't think this sounds kooky at all. I found some peace when I changed my thinking from "it's all too much and he'll never get well" to "well I'm making changes with myself, he can (and may), too." And then got busy taking care of me.

pmaslan

Speaking of Kooky.....I have this incredible knack for calling something
and it actually happens or is as I thought.
Call it strong gut feelings but always seems to come to fruition.
No I don't have a crystal ball.....just strong intuition.
I have said before and I truely believe that people can change if they want to.
I don't think he has changed yet. I wouldn't even doubt that has already
drank since arriving into town.
He has a very hard time handling stress of any kind.
I know this new venture is hard for him, perhaps he is looking to me as
someone/something familiar.
I can't be his safety net, if I'm the one that will end up on the ground!
Please pray that my HP is watching and will guide me in the right direction....

TexasGirl

Patty, you sound so grounded and aware. Whatever you do, you will do it just right. You will be in my prayers.

pmaslan

Thank you TG.......you are also in my prayers....

sunshine003

pmaslan, your attitude gives me great hope for myself. I find great strength in hearing of how others are doing, coping, working on themselves.

Jazzman

The way I see it you have a choice between two different outcomes, closure in the form of a heart felt "sorry I screwed up", or "can we try again?", (when ever I'm in town). Heck you might hear both in the same sentence. How important is it to YOU that you hear either?

What good can come from breaking the no contact? It's already rattled you pretty good and nothing has been resolved. Doesn't sound as though anything has changed w/ the relapse fresh in tow.

Patty, I have no idea how I would handle a call from my ex wanting to "do lunch". All I can say is I hope I never get that call. Sorry you're going through this.

pmaslan

Jazz....He knows he screwed up. He hasn't offered to try again, not even when he was drunk a couple of weeks ago. The "whenever I am in town thing" would
never fly with me, I think he knows at least that much.
You know what I am really looking and hoping for Jazz.....
That the minute I see him I think to myself...."what the hell is wrong with you?
this is not the man for you, this is going back, not forward, this is not where
you should be, this is not what you need."
That is what I want to happen. I need that to happen to put it behind me.
I need all functioning organs in my body to be on the same page, in the same place,
at the same time.
Thank you for your thoughts and caring....means so much.

Minx1969

Patty,

I have a good quote on closure in one of my recovery books..let me look later and I'll try to post it..

It basically said something that closure is sometimes just moving forward without an answer..

I know how badly I wanted closure, an apology and admittance of wrong doing..Never got it in most of my relationships and today I'm ok..I see the great design behind it all..

I have faith that you will do what is right for you..what ever that is..

And..I'm jealous about the treadmill..I so want one for my home..

pmaslan

I know it sounds selfish but I just want him to look into my eyes
if for the last time and see the hurt that is partially his to claim.
I want him to see what I have lived for 2 years.
I want him to take that with him when he sets out in the world.
I want him to remember what he is capable of doing to someone.
I want this all to happen to a sober man, one that will have
the capacity to remember and perhaps regret.
This is not out of anger, it is to be a reminder to him
so maybe he will consider the feelings of another.

minnie

(((patty)))

I think you are handling this really well and I just love the way you have made such healthy choices about which days you will absolutely not see him. That is such recovery.

Something about closure and an active alcoholic which I think you have touched on. I don't think that one can get any meaningful closure FROM an active alcoholic, mainly because I don't think they want to give it. There is no way on this earth that THEY will be the one to close the door on someone who was once an enabler and who may, given the right conditions, return to that way of being. (this is their warped thinking, btw.) And I am not sure that is is possible for us to get closure by simply looking at that one relationship. I certainly had to go through the mill of this and it came to me that I needed to close the door on MY old choices - of men, relationships, ways of behaviour. Once I did that, I got the closure on that particular relationship too.

As for wanting all of those things in your last post - I know exactly what you're saying. I'm just not sure it's possible.

pmaslan

Thanks Minnie....
Those are things I would like to see happen under sober conditions.
Even if he were sober I tend to think there is too much damage (to his mind)
and certainly not enough sober time for it to sink in.
You are right, his spot in life right now is too vulnerable.....
he needs to keep one foot in the door,
so ya gotta wonder how much he will say is fact, truth or fiction....
nah......not really wondering at all know the answer.....
like i said the man better be wearin' steel toes shoes....

Pick-a-name

((Patty))..you sound good; so does your plan.

As for what you wrote above, were you looking in my window at me today when I had my little "melt-down" ?! I think that was pretty-much my list,too!

pmaslan

Pick... I hope you are feeling better today...