sunshine003

Knowing that I'm leaving is starting to hit me. I'm having a hard time holding the sadness at bay. I know it's okay to be sad but ah doesn't know I'm leaving so I can't exactly get all freaky right now. I am also feeling icky about leaving the way I am even though, I'm pretty sure it's right for me. Self doubt is creeping in and I'm nervous. I'm not nervous that I can't make it as I'll have lots of support where Im moving to. I keep trying to remind myself of facts. Such as:

I know ah has been unfaithful here and there. The fact that I know it isn't what eats at me, it's his denial of it that hurts more. It insults my intelligence.

He drinks too much and will continue to do so. He thinks it's okay since he is successful and functions and doesn't even drink weekly. But, when he does, I can't live with the uncertainty of what will happen on that night, detached or not.

But the truth is, the drinking, although that really bothers me, that isn't why I'm leaving. It's the lack of trust. It's the fact that I don't believe him anymore and it eats at me.

Why doesn't he get that I could have handled the truth, I just can't live the lie???? Why can't he see that if he'd ADMIT to the things I already know that then I'd have a start at beginning to trust. It's the lies, while they are there, I cannot move forward from that. If I looked him straight in the eye and said, "If you'd just tell me the truth, I already know, then I'd STAY...." I know he'd look at me and tell me he can't admit to things he hasn't done. That is insulting! It is hurtful! And dammit, his lie is more important to him than I am!

WHy???? My heart hurts and my mind is clinging to the codie in me who wants to stay. I'm having a bad day and overcome with sad feelings.

I think about how much I'll miss him but maybe I'm more afriad that he won't miss me. I want to scream , "I've been so good to you, why do you have to be such a liar?"

laurie6781

Of course you are sad, and once you have moved there will be a period of grief. Why? Because the person you loved has died. Died a while ago. The alcohol helped that person by his own choice to turn into a liar, a cheat, a maniuplator and a con man.

Just remember, you are not leaving the person you love. That person left a long time ago.. Think of it as leaving a very bad situation that is "eating" at your very soul. You need to distance yourself from the situation, in order to really start healing.

Maybe, just maybe, if you can wrap your committee around that it might give you a little relief from what your are feeling right now.

JMHO

Love and hugs,

minnie

I felt EXACTLY the same when I was with my ex. Until I realised that, whilst I may have been able to handle the truth, he couldn't. My ex's life was, and still is, a lie. Things were fine between us until the scales started to fall from my eyes. He then tried every low down manipulative trick in the book to get me back into that place where I believed his fantasy. Luckily for me, I had enough "real" people around me (and on here) to keep those scales from going back on.

You don't have to live the lie. You can live your life in a place of truth. If he wants to join you, great. If not, then that's his loss. And it truly is his loss. Once you believe that, then you're mind will quieten.

sunshine003

thanks you guys.

minnie, I'm glad you can relate to that. Also, if I question any one of his lies, he gets defensive or angry or uses generic phrases like, "if that's what you really believe we shouldn't be together" or "oh boy, here we go again, do you have to start." If I don't even bring it up, all if fine. If I don't ever question the lie, all is fine with him. It's frustrating. But I guess you're right, I guess he can't handle the truth. Weird though, he must handle it, he has to know he DID it....why can't he handle me knowing he did it when I KNOW? I'm sure there isn't an answer. Its as if he doesn't admit it, then it really didn't happen.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Sunshine don't let those rays falter. I am all too familiar with the "Here we go again" or having it turned around on me. The truth is in the trust. I already had trust issues and now ..... I feel like I live on eggshells and I don't have kids, I can't imagine what it is like for you. Do not falter. Go forward. I find it very hard as hittwice said on another thread they keep you here and up the anty on you... I will do this for you and I get this for you. Don't listen. I am a newleywed so I listen for now but I have that constant TRUST factor inside me feeling YOU CANNOT TRUST AN ADDICTION remember that. I need to heed my own advice. But for today and for you.. listen... keep the plan. Move on.. Show your strength and you will be rewarded....God always helps those who help themselves....

sunshine003

Thank you Irish, not sure why but what you wrote made me feel all teary eyed and I remember how I want to feel proud of myself.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Good Girl!!!!!!!!! Happy for you..

denny57

I agree with this. It took me awhile to get there, but my mind these past few weeks has quieted and I truly, truly believe it is his loss if he chooses to stay where he is. Before I just kept saying it. Now I believe it. You will too.

Good luck.

TRISH1011

I am sorry, I can't avoid the cliche - YOU DESERVE BETTER!! MUCH MUCH BETTER!!

sunshine003

I know I do...well, I think I know this. I just miss who I thought he was I suppose. I remember who I thought he was.

Also, I keep thinking, "maybe I'm just crazy and he hasn't lied. maybe during his all nighters, he hasn't cheated....maybe......"

Then I realize it's teh codie in me playing tricks, isn't it? And I make myself face it and OUCH.

Pick-a-name

Sorry; I have no words of wisdom...I'm having one of those days,too.

Hope you feel better soon!

sunshine003

I guess these days I will refer to as an extreme codie day, LOL. All is catching up with me and the codie in me keeps saying "BUT...." I have a but for everything.

Cynay

Personally Im a "What if" kinda girl....

I have a backup plan for every backup plan...

Your in good company

brdlvr2

Mine said the exact same thing. Turns out he was liying. I knew it, suspected it and I was right. But like you, it's the lies and mistrust concerning his drinking I could not take. Took me along time and alot of advice here to learn that that's what alcoholics do. They lie and try to make you doubt yourself. Don't do it. Trust your feelings.

Ayers1995

I'm sorry your having a bad day Sunshine. I know what you are going through too. I struggle everyday with the guilt that I am making plans to move on with my life (w/ my 3 boys) Someone just said to me this morning, "A year from now Dawn, you will look back and think, Why did it take me so long?" I do believe in my heart that this is true for me and will be true for you too. It is the fear of the unknown and our lack of self confidence that keeps us questioning our decisions. Be strong, I will keep you in my thoughts.

Zoey

Just the fact that he is away from home all night is reason enough to leave. Even if he did not cheat. They need to be home for the childern as well as the wife.
Best Wishes and HUGS

megamysterioso

Sunshine. I only wish to be where you are right now SOON. At least you have a "concrete plan." You and I share many of the same thoughts and feelings, so you have really come a long way. Please don't second guess yourself now. You are doing the right thing and I KNOW that I too will be doing the right thing when my day comes. You will KNOW you did the right thing with a little time. We are not crazy.

I'm thinking of you and would help you with this in any way I could if I was there.

pmaslan

When I was married my husband was home every night. He didn't drink or
go to bars. He would never dream of staying out all night nor would I.
Healthy relationships do not have this type of thing going on.
Now my recent ex John, that's a whole other story. If he went on a binge
I would not see him for days. He would check into a hotel as he knew he
wouldn't be welcomed by me. I don't know when I got the idea that this
was acceptable behaviour.