Guilt...argh!
 

Hi...

I am wondering how to handle my guilt when I say no to my alcoholic friend, whenever she says she needs to borrow money, usually due to the fact that she spent it on booze. She will bring up money, and then say its her fault for spending it on booze, but shes hungry etc...and there is something about the way she says it that makes me feel obligated to help. Then I get resentful underneath, because it is her problem, and she doesnt change... I know giving her the money is a form of enabling...but I find it hard to say no to her, just because I feel sorry for the fact that she has little support in general, and is going through a hard time right now, her parents arent there for her that way etc. I know alcoholics are experts at guilt and manipulation, and Ive fallen for the song and dance so many times. I wish I could assert myself better...any suggestions? Guilt and obligation run my life a lot. How can I be there for her without sacrificing my feelings and myself?

If you decide you want to help, instead of giving her money when she is hungry, try inviting her over to share a meal with you and send her home with some leftovers!

Some would argue that that's enabling, and maybe they would be right. But at least you would just be feeding her empty stomach, and not giving her money to buy more booze!

Hi Dolphingirl,


I read this awhile back on Dr. Phil's ( I know.....Dr. Phil ???:) page and it made sense to me:

Here goes and hope it helps some:

"What you may not recognize is that in many cases guilt is a very self-serving emotion. I know, I know: You're thinking, How can it be self-serving to experience pain and frustration? The answer is very simple: People who feel chronic guilt are essentially giving themselves permission to have a pity party and sit on the sidelines of life rather than getting involved in the flow of things. Think about it: If you are so guilt-ridden, you probably have low self-esteem. If you have low self-esteem, you probably experience a lot of fear. When facing a challenge, you tell yourself, I'm not worthy of this. I can't do this successfully. It's a handy excuse that lets you off the hook without giving it your best shot—or any shot at all. You need to get over yourself, get over your guilt, and get back in the game. And I don't feel guilty about telling you that.

Dr. Phil McGraw "


((hugs))

I love Dr Phil....! Thanks! Like many of us, I grew up caretaking a lot, and caretaking is one of those things that appears caring, but really is self serving, you are so right. Its bogus...just gotta change those old tapes! Thank you!