sparrow

Hello Friends,

I find myself in an in-between state of mind about this, on one hand I feel nervous, unsure, and emotional bec I we hv hd a turbulent past bec of her using. I knw there are alot of experts who will say there hd to be trouble before she started drinking and using drugs but before she did we did hv a good mother daughter relationshp and I don't care wht "they" all say I knw wht we had. She hs moved out twice and this last time she hs been living away from home for a little over 6 months. In this time apart I found my way to Al-Anon a couple of weeks after she left and it hs saved my life. I feel like I've made alot of progress although I still hv a long way to go. My daughter too hs matured in some ways and she does function and go to work each day which is a big improvement, and she doesn't do as much drinking and drugs as she used to-however she still does some drinking and hs told me she still smokes pot sometimes too. She hs asked to come bk home bec she wnts to save money so she cn start taking some college courses and move up in the company she works for now. My husband and I said she could but tht things could not be like they were before, she didn't follow the rules of our home. She hs followed for the most part the rules in her current situation and hs said she is sorry about not doing it for us in the past, but tht she is at a different point in her life now and tht she will respect the rules of our home and tells us we won't be sorry for letting her come bk. I feel guilt and confusion about not being tougher on the no use of any drug or alcohol before we will even consider letting you move bk home, but honestly there are issues about her present living conditions tht concern me (drinking by landlord-he is an alcoholic) tht hv made me relax the boundary bec I don't wont her to continue to live there and at 19 she doesn't knw everything she thnks she knws about people. Also I didn't say you cn only come bk if you get help, cause i forced tht issue before and it doesn't work, I think now tht the decision hs to cme from her and tht AA rehabs etc won't work unless she really admits and wnts to totally recover. I hv all those media messages running around in my head tht says it all up to the parent to save them--believe me I 've tried.
I guess I feel kinda caught in the middle. I miss her not being here
and our relationshp hs improved, I love my daughter I really do wnt her bk I just don't wnt to fall bk into old behaviors which I feel the potential is there for both of us. Any suggestions about
boundaries day to day living and wht worked for you othr Moms would be appreciated. She did say she didn't wnt me going thru her stuff like I used to in the past. I told her I did tht before bec I
ws trying to prove tht I wsn't the crazy one--But tht now I don't feel the need to and tht her behavior will tell me if she is slipping bk down. Thks for any help you cn give me.

Hugs
Sparrow

vinnietoo

Sparrow,

Yup, been there. Oldest is 33, went thru much of what you are talking about. One thing that we found from some counceling was that we needed to actually make up a written
contract. And on it was a list of the absoultes, those rules that if she broke them it was bye! It was tough. Then there were
other rules that if she broke them there were consequences.
All this was spelled out on one page. Keeping it simple.
Before she moved back we sat down and went over them, yea it did feel kinda dumb, all of us signed it, and got a copy. That did
several things. First it got the rules out in the open and on paper we were all working off the same page, everything was clear.
also when a rule was broken she knew what the consiquences were going to be. And yup she tested. But it was a whole lot eaiser to enforce the rules this way. It wasn't like we kept on changing the rules or something. We did keep it simple,
like 6 absolute rules and 8 that if broken had their consequences.
By doing this it also helped us to remember that we wern't nuts and had never told her what was going to happen. Arguements dropped to a minimum and discussions started to open up.
This idea can be adjusted to have consequences besides out the door for the absolutes. For she may just want to move back to re group for awhile then mess up and the only alternative is out you go which can box you into a corner. It takes some thought and creativity to come up with this but it does work, at least it did for us. And it even still works with the other kids we have.
On the enforcement end, wow did she scream sometimes
but it was very simple to look at her and say, here's the contract
it is very clear here what was going to happen, if you don't like the consiquences than don't do the things that get you them.
This contract can be ammended yearly, I wouldn't change it too
often or it gets confussing. Believe me she'll want to change it monthly. NOT!!! Plus it doesn't hurt to have her pick some consequences, it's hard to keep from laughing when they end up getting one of their own. Anyway hope this helps a little. Best to you. Hang in there!!!!

Blessings,
Vinnie

JT

Sparrow,

Something I realized when my own 28 year old son moved back in after a rough few years and rehab is that I am not the same person. I find it hard to believe that I will slip into old behaviors without being aware of it. You say you have been attending Alanon, right? You won't suddenly forget all that you have gained because your daughter is at home.

I stuggled about bringing my son home...enabling vs compassion and compassion won hands down. Things have not been perfect but I must say that he has been repectful toward me and seems to be grateful for the leg up. We did have an incident that almost got him the boot but we decided to give it a phase 2 and so far so good.

Vinnie's suggestion is a sound one. Where was he when the Beav moved in?? Our rules are not as defined as he describes and I may just do what he suggests myself. Addiction problems or not, having adult children at home can be a challenge.

Sparrow...go with your gut and your eyes wide open.

Hugs,
JT