How?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 3
How?
I have only been a member of this site for 2 days and already I feel better. I feel like I am not the only person who lives with an alcoholic spouse. Most of the advise I have read refers to taking care of oneself, not feeling like you have to control the drinkers behavior etc., etc,. That is very hard to do when you are living with the person. In my situation, it is the weekends. Time off of work, means time to drink beer. How do I separate myself from the behavior and the negative, chaotic mood that the drinking puts on my homelife? And how do you become strong enough to not be embarrassed and ashamed of the alcoholic's behavior? And finally, how are you supposed to act when you come home from work on monday evening and see your spouse sober for the first time in 3 days? First of all, he doesn't even know what a jerk he was all weekend. And if you act like everything is cool, he never knows how he was or what he said or did. My husband just looked relieved and smiled when I came home tonight and said "HI". I guess he figured he wasn't going to get a lecture tonight. He usually gets one on monday nights from me. I am trying to follow the advice I have received from all of you. Thank you for caring and responding.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Good job sab929!!
I know that was hard to come home and just say HI, but lecturing never does any good. I used to be the QUEEN of lectures. By saying little or nothing he will begin to think more about his actions. At least that is how it has worked for me. I am trying to channel my energy toward positive things all the time instead of lecturing another child.
The more you do this the easier it will get!
Keep coming back for strength, we are here for you,
matters
I know that was hard to come home and just say HI, but lecturing never does any good. I used to be the QUEEN of lectures. By saying little or nothing he will begin to think more about his actions. At least that is how it has worked for me. I am trying to channel my energy toward positive things all the time instead of lecturing another child.
The more you do this the easier it will get!
Keep coming back for strength, we are here for you,
matters
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Lake Havasu, Arizona
Posts: 8
One thing my grandmother told me
My grandmother told me about how my late grandfather had a salesman that worked for him that was a binge drinker. He ended up letting him go and for my grandfather to fire someone was a major thing for him. But what she told me about was something I'd always wanted to do but never did. This former salesman entered a program (and we're talking 100 years ago) where they filled a room with alcohol and told alcoholics that this was the last of it, enjoy, and they did. Well they filmed them while they were drunk, the salesman's film included my grandfather telling him he had to let him go. After the party was over they played the tapes back for the alcoholics to view. I'm told this salesman never drank again when he saw what he looked like and what he was putting his family through when he was drunk.
I always wondered what my ex would've said after viewing a tape of himself intoxicated.
T
I always wondered what my ex would've said after viewing a tape of himself intoxicated.
T
Banned User
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: reno nevada
Posts: 34
how
That was an interesting story about videotaping. I saw a special where some American Indians use the videotaping method on some reservations. In most alcoholic households the sober family members refuse to talk about about the problems drinking is causing the family. People have told me such a videotape of a drunken person will cause the alcoholic anxiety and he will just rely on his denial. I was going to audiotape my drunken father and when he saw the taperecorder he began to rage. So he knew exactly how he behaved when drunk.
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
Welcome. I live with an A so I do know the struggle. One of the basics that I repeat regularly is you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change it. As people living with the A, we try to force outcomes by lecturing, yelling, pleading. I could go on and on with MY list of behaviors, but I have a feeling you are familiar with them. The hardest thing for me to learn has been this concept of letting go. It is their problem. Not yours. Your problem is getting in there and trying to "reason."
One of my first Al-Anon mtgs., one of the elderly woman pulled me aside and told me this. Afterwards I learned this is a familiar thing, but it was novel to me and impacted me a great deal.
If we stand between the A and his HP, then we block the HP's light and ability to work. When we back off, our HP's light shines through us and the A.
I literally sometimes have to do a visual imagery of this when I feel so compelled to lecture, remind, etc.
One of my first Al-Anon mtgs., one of the elderly woman pulled me aside and told me this. Afterwards I learned this is a familiar thing, but it was novel to me and impacted me a great deal.
If we stand between the A and his HP, then we block the HP's light and ability to work. When we back off, our HP's light shines through us and the A.
I literally sometimes have to do a visual imagery of this when I feel so compelled to lecture, remind, etc.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Sab,
Welcome to this site. Keep coming back and reading. If you're like me, this place will be a great souce of support. You will learn SO MUCH from just reading the posts.
I would recommend getting to Al Anon meetings and sticking with them. That 'live' kind of support has been so good for me. You realize you are NOT alone in all this and you can learn from others at the meetings. Believe me on this one. FIND A MEETING!!! You will be glad you did!
Now as far as all the questions you asked....
Sab, it just takes time and learning the 12 steps of Al Anon and actually applying them to you life. We all want instant improvement, (I AM THE QUEEN OF BEING IMPATIENT!!!!) but I'm learning that dealing with the A in my family takes time. We have to trust our Higher Power. He works everything for good in HIS time.
I remember so well what an A told me. He said that when he was drinking, it was when everyone else BACKED OFF that he could no longer blame them. You know A's are THE KINGS of blaming everyone else for their problem or causing them to drink. But back to the story...it was when everyone backed off that he had to take a good look at himself. He NO LONGER HAD ANYONE TO BLAME and had to face the music.
Sab, it might not happen exactly like that in your situation because you know that every situation is different. But you have to try to detach, Let Go and Let God, do something for yourself and not obsess about his drinking. And trust me, I say all this right back at myself when I'm saying it to you. Very easy to say, much harder to do.
And I LOVE what Cajun just wrote....It's only when we get out of the way that our HP can do the work....to make us better and hopefully the A better also.
Hang in there, Sab. Keep reading. My prayers are with you.
P.S. Just a note. After attending Al Anon meetings, I tried putting their program to work. One night my A was trying to engage me in an argument...same ole stuff we had always done. I decided I just wasn't going to do it. I looked at my A, said I wasn't going to argue and left the room. Later on I heard my A speaking to some people. I smiled when I heard her say, "Man, my mom wouldn't argue with me. She must be doing that Al Anon stuff."
Welcome to this site. Keep coming back and reading. If you're like me, this place will be a great souce of support. You will learn SO MUCH from just reading the posts.
I would recommend getting to Al Anon meetings and sticking with them. That 'live' kind of support has been so good for me. You realize you are NOT alone in all this and you can learn from others at the meetings. Believe me on this one. FIND A MEETING!!! You will be glad you did!
Now as far as all the questions you asked....
Sab, it just takes time and learning the 12 steps of Al Anon and actually applying them to you life. We all want instant improvement, (I AM THE QUEEN OF BEING IMPATIENT!!!!) but I'm learning that dealing with the A in my family takes time. We have to trust our Higher Power. He works everything for good in HIS time.
I remember so well what an A told me. He said that when he was drinking, it was when everyone else BACKED OFF that he could no longer blame them. You know A's are THE KINGS of blaming everyone else for their problem or causing them to drink. But back to the story...it was when everyone backed off that he had to take a good look at himself. He NO LONGER HAD ANYONE TO BLAME and had to face the music.
Sab, it might not happen exactly like that in your situation because you know that every situation is different. But you have to try to detach, Let Go and Let God, do something for yourself and not obsess about his drinking. And trust me, I say all this right back at myself when I'm saying it to you. Very easy to say, much harder to do.
And I LOVE what Cajun just wrote....It's only when we get out of the way that our HP can do the work....to make us better and hopefully the A better also.
Hang in there, Sab. Keep reading. My prayers are with you.
P.S. Just a note. After attending Al Anon meetings, I tried putting their program to work. One night my A was trying to engage me in an argument...same ole stuff we had always done. I decided I just wasn't going to do it. I looked at my A, said I wasn't going to argue and left the room. Later on I heard my A speaking to some people. I smiled when I heard her say, "Man, my mom wouldn't argue with me. She must be doing that Al Anon stuff."
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Videotape!!!! LOL. Omigosh, what an evil temptation!
Hi SAB!
Maybe you would enjoy reading Ann's thread "How to have fun when you don't feel like having fun". You'll find it in the power-posts section of the alanon forum. It offers some pleasant suggestions of ways to get the focus off of the addict and onto yourself. You're trying to break habits, just like he is. Not easy at first... but it gets easier, and it can even get fun.
Hugs,
Smoke
Hi SAB!
Maybe you would enjoy reading Ann's thread "How to have fun when you don't feel like having fun". You'll find it in the power-posts section of the alanon forum. It offers some pleasant suggestions of ways to get the focus off of the addict and onto yourself. You're trying to break habits, just like he is. Not easy at first... but it gets easier, and it can even get fun.
Hugs,
Smoke
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