brdlvr2

I do not want my boyfriend back. I do not agree with his lifestyle. I have given him so many, many, many chances to change over the last 3 years. He is still drinking, he still lies about drinking, he has the kind of life I do not want - people he associates with, not having a real job etc. He is now a mean drunk, not just a pssaive one like before. I do not love him anymore, really don't even like what alcohol has done to the man I thought he was.

Yet, I feel guilty for my feelings. I feel bad for not taking him back this time. I feel bad for not even wanting to be friends and hang out once in a while like I used to be able to do with him. I feel bad that he says he loves me, needs me, how when he's not being a jerk, (when sober) he is like a lost little boy who lost his best friend.

Please tell me I'm not bad for my feelings or lack of feelings for him anymore. We've hurt each other in alot of ways in this relationship and I need to end this cycle of back and forth. Nothing is changing - at least not in the foreseeable (sp?) future. Why do I feel bad for my feelings? I guess because change is hard, very tough to do something different then what I've always done - which is to keep going back, then ending it, going back, then ending it.....

Gabe

Hush now Brd, you have no reason to feel bad.
This relationship no longer serves your highest purpose.
Why should you want it in your life, and why should you feel bad that it is gone?
In fact, you should feel good that it is no longer draining you of your energy.
That energy will be better spent on things that are good for you.
So put the guilt stick down and go enjoy your Saturday.

Zoey

You commented change is hard. yes, it is.
Think that you are not enableing anymore, which is very good. Maybe without you he will hit bottom??? Think of it as tough love. You are right to not want him back, we should all be so lucky. HUGS

cwohio

brdlvr2 - listen to gabe - she's a wise lady! we get so wrapped up worrying about how we think everyone else, including the addict, feels that we forget about ourselves. take care of you - you know what you DON"T want. work at the things you do want.

pmaslan

All of the advice above is right on.
It is time for you to worry about yourself.
You are spending far to much time and energy
on someone you don't love or for that matter even like.
Enjoy the weekend it will be Monday before you know it....
and boy do I hate Mondays.......lol

denny57

I have these same feelings myself about my AH of 15 years (18 years R). He has been out of the house for a little over 3 months and I have not known such peace in years (18 LOL). I have had to work through a lot of issues - that I can still love him, hate the behaviour, be relieved to have him out of my life right now. It is tough but oh so worth it.

StandingStrong

I think that guilt is one of the major life-stoppers! Guilt can eat you alive, hinder you from growth, and just really affect us moreso than we ever realized. I also see that same thing you mentioned with my ah (that looking like a lost little puppy dog) and that too, can cause guilt. But in reality, I have to remind myself that it was his illness, his choices, etc that got us where we are today. Is that my guilt to feel? I don't think so. But I know firsthand how seeing the man that was once everything to me looking so depressed can manipulate my feelings. And I think that may be part of the problem you are experiencing as well.
There is absolutely no reason why you should feel badly for your feelings having changed. No reason at all for your having recovered enough to want a better life for yourself. You have NO reason to feel badly or guilty for feeling the way you do. At this point, he still has choices. He can go on to dwindle in his own self pity, dragging down whoever allows him to join him in that misery - or he can get his act together, get the help he needs, and recover his own life. But that is up to him.
Please don't beat yourself up over this. Don't let his "poor me" attitude make you feel badly for becoming a better, stronger, healthier person.

mallowcup

You have no reasons to feel bad. He has all the reasons to drink but you are on the list of reasons not to. Let's face it, by the time we all reach adulthood, most of us could come up with a reason to drink everyday. Life isn't carefree for those of us that don't drink, we face the same relationship problems, we all pay rent, we all have to work. Quitting drinking isn't easy. Quitting smoking isn't easy. Life isn't easy, not for any of us. Alcoholics always speak as if they have problems we don't have. I would say if you could stay and "fix " him, then stay. You can't. Not ever.

princess9282001

I agree you have no reasons to feel guilty. I know that you dont love him anymore, but you probably still care about him. All of us who have acoholics in our life know that you cant help them. It reminds me of the old nursery rhythm about Humpty Dumpty. Know matter how hard we try we can put them ( acoholics) back together again. I think you need to work on yourself and have a little fun. You deserve it.

mallowcup

I think your guilt comes from wanting some logic and sense to come out of it. You followed the recipe, you were focused, faithful, understanding.......why didn't it work? We all seem to grow up with pretty clear expectqations about what it takes to have a successful relationship. What we aren't so good at is expecting what we deserve. We all go into it knowing what we are willing to invest. We rarely go into knowing what our boundaries are, what is the minimum expectation we have, knowing we have a right to receive.