boggygirl

hello all. My name is Debra and my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I just tried to post a thread and it was really long, it was my life with Chad in a nut shell and when I tried to send it, I was redirected to the log in page!! I'd like to share my story, but my fingers are tired...lol. I look forward to meeting some of you and getting help and trying to help others if I can.

cwohio

welcome debra - try again when your fingers aren't so tired. LOL lots of good reading here - read the stickies and other posts. you might want to look into finding an al-anon meeting in your area. we look forward to getting to know you better!

i am a recovering codependent who was married to my alcoholic husband for almost 15 years before he passed away 5 months ago.

boggygirl

I had no idea he was an alcoholic!! The first time we really got to hang out was at a big weekend party in our city, we were all drinking. I didn't realize he had a problem until one night at my place he was so very lit, he was standing in the door way to my kitchen passing out and would come back to and just yell at me. This was the first time we really got to hang out alone, besides my roommate. I'm glad she was there though. He decided he needed to go home and his children were sleeping. I didn't think this was a good idea, not only to wake them up but to drive 30 minutes away, drunk, while there was massive road construction going on in route to his house. i told him if he put the kids in the car I'd call the police. he did so I did too. he went to jail for his first DUI, and I had to keep his children. Good thing I worked in the daycare center they attended, I told my boss some of what had happened and she allowed me to take the children home with me. I tried to contact his mother in Utah for some assistance, and she wouldn't help!! She then told me it was his problem, he had been in and out of re-hab since he was 15. After realizing she wasn't going to help at all I did what I could do to get him home to his children. This is when we became "boyfriend and girlfriend" He got another DUI in less than a year after the first one, and went to jail again and again I had his children. I did what I could to get him out. After I told him I couldn't handel the drinking he stopped, it didn't seem like a problem to him. He then turned to smoking pot. Having grown up in a home with all that mess around my whole life, I did what I could to hide it from my children. After so long my thoughts turned to well if you can't beat him join him. When I realized we were spending over $100 a week on pot alone, I told him this was enough!! We had to quit. He told me "I don't quit sh@t for anyone, if you don't like it get the f&$k out of my house and life." I left with my now 3 children, and left him with his other two. The next day I received a phone call at my moms house from the local police station. It was Chad. He didn't get the other two on the school bus and someone called The Department of Children and Families on him. The state of Florida took his children to foster care and him to jail. I was scared out of my mind!!! I gave my mom custody of my three children, so the state couldn't touch them. I tried to call his mother yet again, with no luck!! She did tell me it was better that I left him, and I'd be stupid to go back. I'm not sure how anyone elses families work, but my mother would have (and did) jumped through hoops butt first to help me. Knowing he had no support from his family I did what I could to help him. We got back together, and after about 8 months we got the children back. He had to go through a program called Drug Court. It was a rough year, but worth it. He's been sober for almost 2 years now, and I have too. I don't have the problems he does though. Anyway I'm so very proud of him. Not just for being sober, but also for staying strong for his children. I've known others who have had similar situations and they left the kids where they were and didn't try to fight for them. He's a good man!! I love him with all my heart, which leads me to this next point. I'm selfish!! He attends atleast 2 AA meetings a week, usually 4. I'm stuck at the house with all five of the kids and my headaches. I think I'm jealouse of his new found relationships. He never really has told me what's wrong on a daily basis, if he's having problems. But I'm sure he talks to his group about things. Why can't he talk to me? Does this make me his problem, because he can't talk to me? I feel like I'm the reason he doesn't open up to me. I have read "The Big Book" from cover to cover twice, so I think I understand what he's going through. I guess I feel like I've been the only one who has helped him in the last four years, why can't he still depend on me? I'm so confused and hurt by this. I'm not sure if I hurt because of his reactions or because of my selfishness. I've put him to bed drunk, stoned, full of pills, and beat up (physically by a neighbor, but that's another talk show lol) why can't he just tell me what aills him? I get really depressed and cry all the time, I'm not even sure if it's related to this situation but I feel as if it is. Any advice anyone can provide I will take with open eyes, mind and arms!!

LiLL

boggygirl, these years must have been very hard for you. i admire your strength and courage. i'm glad to read about your and your bf's new found sobriety. stay strong and i wish you the best. i'm new in my recovery and i don't have any good advice. but i found something in my "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" book that you might find helpful:

P.225
It is difficult to overcome the habit of setting standards for our spouses, and expecting them to be followed. Unfortunately, this may continue even after the alcoholics is sober in AA. We figure out what the results of his sobriety should be, in changed attitudes and behavior and, when things don't work out the way we expect, we're frustrated and angry.

I must teach myself to leave my partner to God and his friends in AA. I must learn not to expect or demand. I will look for, and appreciate, his positive and desirable actions, and not concentrate on the negative. I must, in other words, do something constructive about my own attitude.

Today's Reminder
I will not look for perfection in another person until I have attainted perfection myself. Since I know this never will be, let me learn to accept things as they are, and stop manipulating them into changing. Let me look for a wiser approach to life from myself, not from other people.

LiLL

This is nice too I think:

P.56
I will accept the fact that sobriety does not bring a complete transformation. After all, the alcoholic is still bascially the same person, with the same individuality. The one immeidate diffrence, of course, is that his personality is not distorted by drunkenness. But if sometimes he is moody and uncommunicative, I will understadning that he is having a hard time adjusting to his new way of life. I will not let myself forget how, in the past, such uneasiness could drive him back to the bottle. I will be grateful for the sobriety. It is the first essential step in restoring us both to a contended, normal state.

Today's Reminder
When other things now trouble me in our relationship, I will remember how ardently I wished and prayed that the alcoholic might be released from the compulsion to drink. Now that sobriety has been realized, I will be patient with all the disturbs me. No matter what other difficulties interpose themselves between and my serenity, I will hold on to my faith in ultimate good.

Pick-a-name

Hi: and welcome. Glad you are both doing better. My AH has never stopped drinking (yet?) so I don't know anything about that except for what I have read here, and your reaction sounds rather "typical". In fact I believe Al-Anon got it's start when the wife of Bill Wilson (co-founder of AA) felt lonely etc after he stoped drinking,too.

As for you bf's mother; she may sound harsh, but in this case very wise.

Stick around, read and post, and I think you will get lots of help and encouragement from people who have been where you are. Have you been to AlAnon yet?

boggygirl

I must teach myself to leave my partner to God and his friends in AA. I must learn not to expect or demand. I will look for, and appreciate, his positive and desirable actions, and not concentrate on the negative. I must, in other words, do something constructive about my own attitude.

I just wish I could figure out how to do this. The only things I can do around here is laundry and dishes, I exaust those choices during the day when he's at work and the kids are at school. I need to pick up a good book in the evenings when he is gone I guess.

Thank you for your encouragement!!

boggygirl

I've not had a chance to go to any meetings. See with him attending 4 a week, and me having to stay home with the kids I'm not sure I'd be able to make one either. I have wanted to for a long time. Not for me, but so I can understand a little more about it. In the Big Book I read that the sponsor should contact the spouse and talk about things, I could be wrong. Shoot his sponsor has had him on one step now forever, and he just won't make ammends. I feel as if he owes one to me and the children, but mainly his family up north. Oh well, I'm sure I could go on for days!!

cwohio

some al-anon meetings have childcare - you might want to call and see if there's one around you that does. everyone has to do their program at their own pace. if he's working his program, the amends will come. sounds like you have some resentments that you need to work on as we all have.

that's what al-anon is all about - it IS for YOU.

DesertEyes

Hello Debra,

You may want to call the local al-anon office and see if they have meetings while your kids are at school. Out here in Vegas there's several at lunch time just so working moms can have a meetings. There's also meetings that don't have official baby-sitting but welcome kids anyway.

Mike :-)

boggygirl

I know actually going to a meeting would be better, but that is why I wanted to come into this forum and join your family. In hopes that ya'll would :ValA021: in a since of AA meetings. I'm sure it's not the same, I'm just going to give this a shot first. I've looked in a few of the conversation threads and plan to look through most of them in time, hopefully this will help me get over the anger, confusion, lonleness, and hurt that I feel.