goffredo

Dear friends

I need to check this with you as at the moment I'm not sure whether it's me or her (my partner), is there something I'm not getting?

Last night I come home and on the table there's a job application/information on how to join the police force in Scotland. Now, my partner is Scottish but been in London for the past 20 years or so. When I asked her why she requested this information pack, she said because she was interested and went into the irritated mood. I couldn't work it out and said I was surprised because our flat in London is for sale and we're planning to move near Brighton which is on the south coast of England. That's the opposite direction of Scotland!!!! At that point she started to shout, saying I kept on asking questions and could not take her answer that it was just out of interest, nothing else. She then blamed me for causing an argument and, still shouting was telling me to shut up and stop asking questions.

I feel bullied. i feel that lately, whatever I ask, her response is to start shouting, blaming me for the argument and coming up with the usual: "I am allowed to do this, aren't I?" and so on, implying that I am controlling her.

Now, how is this controlling? What did I do wrong last night? I think it's pretty normal to ask why someone has asked for info about a job based in the opposite direction or where we're going. She said she wasn't thinking of moving there and requested that out of interest. Now, if I see an interesting job in, say Paris, why would I request info unless I am attacted by the idea, or at least slightly considering the possibility of going there? I don't understand, tell me if it's me who was unreasonable last night. i just wanted her to share, to communicate with me not to shout! Honest to god, when I asked her first, I wasn't angry or anything, just surprised.

Anyway, the good thing I managed to do was not to engage in the argument, I didn't shout back or slammed doors but I did tell her not to shout. Today though I'm not talking to her, I feel she was a bully and thinks that shouting works. Instead, her unwillingness to communicate calmly, shouting, blaming me for the argument, has today brought back anger in me and resentments of all the other times she has hurt me.

Help please? Love Jo

mallowcup

First off. she told you to shut up? I cringe at the thought of a corner rat commanding their mate to shut up. Why do we question such obvious things when we are hoked up to an alcoholic? An application for the Scottish Police is exactly what it is. If I have an application on the table for the NASA astronaut program, would you be nuts to think I might be interested in leaving the planet? If I had a bunch of travel brocheures on the table for Alaska, a pair of snow shoes in the corner and a fur coat on the hook, would you be out of line to think I might be headed north? As an adult in a relationship, you are allowed to ask questions. You should demand to be spoken to in a civil polite manner. I think your gal is overly defensive which may mean she has some plans of her own.

equus

As someone who still reads Go.Abroad.com newsletters while signing for another 2 tear mortgage tie in - it certainly is POSSIBLE that it was out of interest, but whether that's the case with her I haven't a clue.

Perhaps more important is how you communicate about it? I reckon that's what really matters and the only way to find out what's actually the case.

This might help - it helped me lots, it's a BBC website on conflict and conflict resolutions in relationships:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/c...mm_index.shtml

bahookie

Hmm

I think this sounds more like an escapist fantasy. I've lost count of the number of hare-brained schemes I've listened to, from selling up and moving to the Maldives to emigrating to Canada. In the beginning I used to listen, but not any more.
I've found escapism isn't confined only to things like this, but to, e.g., over-indulgence in housework like it's the most important thing in the world. Actually no, getting a job and an income is...
Hmph!

My friend recently applied to join the police here. Can I just say that unless your partner is a very very good liar and actor there is no way she'd get past the selection process with less than a year clean and sober.

J
xxx

bahookie

And by the way - no, she shouldn't talk to you like that!

Two-year-old caught eating out of the biscuit barrell reaction - feel threatened, lash out.

You doing ok?

Jane
xxx

goffredo

Thank you all.

Yeah, I'm very familiar with escapism, Jane. I agree with Mallowcup that I should be spoken in a polite and civilised manner. I think Equus is right and that is precisely my point: communication.

I don't really think she's secretly plannig to go there or anything, it's just the way she reacted to me that I don't get. I wasn't over-questionning and her reaction was over the top. She confused me, and she has done so on other occasions, when she says that she gets angry because I question too much, because I won't take her answer, because I want an argument. I thought my question last night was nothing so outrageous, controlling or unreasonable in any way. i feel she gets angry from the beginning of the conversation and she gets defensive about it. Yes, definitely an issue of communication, or in her case not wanting to communicate.

I also feel that now (I might be totally wrong here) with this new thing of Let go, forgiving etc, which btw I do believe in, she feels somehow entitled to shout, be unreasonable and then expect me to forget it all in a second, as if it never happened. I don't want to have a long face for days, but I want to keep my boundary to feel free to ask/talk without been shouted at or having to shut up immediately when she says "shut up"; I want to try and communicate better and make the point of when things are unacceptable. Then the other side of me says: "it's not personal, nothing to do with me, she's in early stages of recovery blah blah blah"

Typical codie? Boundaries issues?

Any opinions? Love Jo

mallowcup

bahookie you made me laugh. I have also heard some pretty wild ideas that I just blow off. It must be nice to think in your own mind, some of their lame brained ideas could actually work out. I'm going to get myself a tiara and be Queen. Seriously , it's sad for them to set such unattainable goals. An alcoholic sober for a year actually getting a loaded gun scares me. It probably happens.

equus

As arguing badly is unpleasant and hopelessly ineffectual I tend to think mostly people do it because they don't know how to argue well. I find that just more likely than an awareness they should be forgiven and therefore can argue like an idiot. Also from kiddies up the less someone is able to express themselves the more frustrated and irrational they get.

I think often it's a lack of skill and the frustrations that go with it. HOWEVER it's only when the ineffectual way ceases to work at all that people will change engrained habits so having boundaries is still important.

bahookie

Don't know about typical codie, still can't recognise it in myself let alone others. I tend to get uncomfortable about something then realise that means it's a thing I should tackle.
About boundaries, all I can say is that it's really hard work and scary to impose them at first. It's even harder work and scarier to do it when the reception you get is illogical, aggressive or evasive.

I try to keep my eye on what it is I started out wanting to achieve. That way I can try to look at the reactions I get in a way a bit more removed. Are these things designed to turn me off course? Are they just plain unacceptable?

It helps me to focus on the real issue - and keeps me calm enough to express myself properly!

Not absolutely any of that was relevant lol, or coming from the stuff I've got in my head today....

Sorry!
J
xxx

goffredo

Of course it's relevant, thanks Jane. Hugs Jo

gelfling

While my husband was drinking, he went through a stage of searching and looking at homes, moving and jobs.

One thing I learned is that they are trying to run away from their problems...namely alcohol/addiction. Not defending her in anyway, but it may be her escape from reality.

However, she does need a kick in the arse for talking to you that way. You in kind can reply...if you can't talk to me with respect, don't talk to me at all as I'm not a dog.

PaperDolls

Boy Howdy, I can relate to this. I doubt this will be helpful to you but....

I do the same thing as your partner sometimes. I just get angry, for no reason. I feel like I'm being judged and questioned or I've done something wrong. Even if it's as simple as the question you asked. It's wrong, and I try not to do it. It's to the point that sometimes my gf doesn't like to ask me about things for fear that I might get mad and yell. I feel horrible about it and I don't know why it happens.

My point is, it may have absolutely nothing to do with the actual question you asked. She may not be planning anything at all, she may have just been interested. That would be my guess.....

I try to communicate with my gf better and be aware of how I am reacting to things. It's something she needs to work on. It's hard to do. At some point the two of you should try to have a conversation about her anger.

I hope it all works out for you.

~doll

vonnie61

I sometimes feel that I have a black and white way of thinking about things. But being in alanon, I have to apply the "live and let live" slogan to this. I can't choose for someone else. I can only choose for me. Am I making good choices that bring me happiness? I hope that all in my life are, but that is really not my concern. I know the outcome of "letting" people make their own choices is that they may leave me. Well, I have to believe that I can't control what others do. If I don't believe that, I am back in my sick thinking. I can't control what someone else does or doesn't do. If they all leave to the south of who knows where, something tells me that I will be okay, because I am learning to be happy where I am. Not there yet, but am in the middle of my journey.

Vonnie

Cap3

Fly in da oitment here...if i may.
First of ,ya done great in not engagaing.Way to go.
You say--she says-i kept asking questions.Could not take her answer.She blamed you for causing an argument.Told you to shut up.And stop asking questions.Have you done what she had said to,you in the past?This time you didnt.But her reaction could very well be something done in the past,that she is relatating to today.?The alcoholic has many fears.Fear,of fears.
I dont know either of you,so i will leave it at this point.Personally when others point their fingers at me,i do take the time to see if what they are saying is truth.If not,i let it go.I give out to others no matter what "they" do/say,all that im feeling about myself.Some folks today still see me as i once was.This i can do nothing about.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care,
prayers for you both.