why does my ex fiance still effect me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 5
why does my ex fiance still effect me?
My ex fiance and I broke up because of his severe alcholism and neglectful abusive behavior towards me. I couldn't take it anymore: his attempt to kill himself and his nights of drinking til he blacked out. I ended up going to ALANON and therapy. I had to make a decision to leave but didn't know how. He was dragging me down a path of misery to witness his slow demise.(He had been in treatment twice and both times it failed).
He had a job offer in the east coast and took it. I couldn't leave b/c I was back in school. So two months out, he drops me an email that our relationship isn't working out BLAH BLAH BLAH and is breaking up with me.I am both sad and relieved at the same time. Five months later he emails me he's gotten engaged to a woman he's met there. A little sad and my heart is still bruised.
So I get a call from him yesterday and all the hurt feelings I had rose to the surface. He's back in town to pick up his belongings to complete his move to the east coast.It's been more than a year since I've seen him and seven months when he broke it off with me. It hurt to hear him talk about his new life with his fiance. But I know I in my heart I could not deal with watching him drink himself to death b/c HE REFUSED TREATEMENT after another intervention with his family. I should be over him b/c with all the SH*T he put me through I lost a semester of my studies b/c I couldn't concentrate.
I've learned through a previous divorce and break-ups that it's OKAY to be by myself.I know that I'm lonely but not needy. It's a basic human need to be loved and be loved in return. It sucks that I still care about this selfish man and he's just blase about me. I rather be by myself than with someone who doesn't respect me or care about me.
That is it; I just needed to vent my feelings!! I am grateful that I am free and able to express my feelings HERE without being judged!! THANK YOU!
He had a job offer in the east coast and took it. I couldn't leave b/c I was back in school. So two months out, he drops me an email that our relationship isn't working out BLAH BLAH BLAH and is breaking up with me.I am both sad and relieved at the same time. Five months later he emails me he's gotten engaged to a woman he's met there. A little sad and my heart is still bruised.
So I get a call from him yesterday and all the hurt feelings I had rose to the surface. He's back in town to pick up his belongings to complete his move to the east coast.It's been more than a year since I've seen him and seven months when he broke it off with me. It hurt to hear him talk about his new life with his fiance. But I know I in my heart I could not deal with watching him drink himself to death b/c HE REFUSED TREATEMENT after another intervention with his family. I should be over him b/c with all the SH*T he put me through I lost a semester of my studies b/c I couldn't concentrate.
I've learned through a previous divorce and break-ups that it's OKAY to be by myself.I know that I'm lonely but not needy. It's a basic human need to be loved and be loved in return. It sucks that I still care about this selfish man and he's just blase about me. I rather be by myself than with someone who doesn't respect me or care about me.
That is it; I just needed to vent my feelings!! I am grateful that I am free and able to express my feelings HERE without being judged!! THANK YOU!
Last edited by pixiegirl69; 02-07-2006 at 10:41 AM. Reason: spelling error
Vonnie
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Amarillo TX
Posts: 10
Are you living my life too?
Pixie:
Man oh man do I relate. Even though my husband (we are separated) put me in the ER with a busted head, I have gone through a really crazy process in separating my emotions from him. Physically I live somewhere else, and yes I am glad to not have to support him, wonder if he's lying, peek around for indications of him being up to no good, etc. But, I never realized how connected my head was to him. At first when I would buy clothes, put on my makeup, stay in shape, buy jewelry, etc., I found myself thinking, boy M*** would like this, if he ever saw me, he would think I am looking good, he would probably wish we were together and on and on and on. I would even arrange things in my bathroom (hair products and jewelry) so that if he ever came over for some reason, he would see that I am able to buy stuff for myself (I used to always pamper him with stuff and not me), I wanted him to see that I had all these cool little things....... Sound crazy to you, well, it is crazy, but a nicer word for it is "sick". I have been affected by the disease of alcoholism (mom alcoholic) from childhood. My thoughts were distorted and I developed a way of seeing myself and others and my importance in this world through the eyes of another. So, now that I too am in Alanon, I am changing day by day. It's amazing how bizarre these thoughts can be, but I am sick and I am recovering. I can accept myself this way, I am doing the best I can, I am willing to do the things I need to do in order to change and for today, that's good enough.
I'm so glad to hear that I am not the only one.
Take care now
Man oh man do I relate. Even though my husband (we are separated) put me in the ER with a busted head, I have gone through a really crazy process in separating my emotions from him. Physically I live somewhere else, and yes I am glad to not have to support him, wonder if he's lying, peek around for indications of him being up to no good, etc. But, I never realized how connected my head was to him. At first when I would buy clothes, put on my makeup, stay in shape, buy jewelry, etc., I found myself thinking, boy M*** would like this, if he ever saw me, he would think I am looking good, he would probably wish we were together and on and on and on. I would even arrange things in my bathroom (hair products and jewelry) so that if he ever came over for some reason, he would see that I am able to buy stuff for myself (I used to always pamper him with stuff and not me), I wanted him to see that I had all these cool little things....... Sound crazy to you, well, it is crazy, but a nicer word for it is "sick". I have been affected by the disease of alcoholism (mom alcoholic) from childhood. My thoughts were distorted and I developed a way of seeing myself and others and my importance in this world through the eyes of another. So, now that I too am in Alanon, I am changing day by day. It's amazing how bizarre these thoughts can be, but I am sick and I am recovering. I can accept myself this way, I am doing the best I can, I am willing to do the things I need to do in order to change and for today, that's good enough.
I'm so glad to hear that I am not the only one.
Take care now
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
You can live with someone and be lonely too. As my husbands drinking continues, his health has to be effected, it doesn't show most days. I occassionally anticipate being a widow, half way planning and half way just trying to prepare myself. I would be stupid to think his insides are in worse shape that what shows on the outside. He isn't even here right now, he's at the bar. The dinner hour is always the worst for me. Something about the hours of 4:30 till about 7:30pm are very lonely and depressing for me. The kids have grown and gone and dinner used to be a busy time of day. I don't know what the future holds but I am depressed as our adult son is visiting and they are touring together. I hate being an alarmist about my step sons drinking. I feel like I'd like something to look forward to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 5
[ 
U]Vonnie61, when you spoke about your "what ifs" that sent a shiver down my spine. It was freaky that I had also believed those things too. I thought "if only if i could change ... than ... would change" it never did. it is good to hear you are in a better place & wish you only the best!!!
(((mallowcup))) i hear the pain in your post.To watch someone you love do that to themselves SUCKS!! It hurts to see when you care so much for this person & he doesn't care about himself only his drink. It makes me angry that we feel helpless to try to stop them from drinking but we know it's not up to us.It makes me want to scream from that frustration. Please take care of yourself and know you are not alone!!!
U]Vonnie61, when you spoke about your "what ifs" that sent a shiver down my spine. It was freaky that I had also believed those things too. I thought "if only if i could change ... than ... would change" it never did. it is good to hear you are in a better place & wish you only the best!!!(((mallowcup))) i hear the pain in your post.To watch someone you love do that to themselves SUCKS!! It hurts to see when you care so much for this person & he doesn't care about himself only his drink. It makes me angry that we feel helpless to try to stop them from drinking but we know it's not up to us.It makes me want to scream from that frustration. Please take care of yourself and know you are not alone!!!
Last edited by pixiegirl69; 02-08-2006 at 01:13 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 14
Well girls,
it seems we are all in the same boat.
It sure does help to find out that it is be normal to be "sick" in this way.
I too think about how my total physical transformation (lost 60pounds, hair is now long and blonde etc) must effect the ex (he sees me about once a month) and buy clothes that i know he would like.
I think that maybe i am trying to punish him in someway? His new g/f is ummmmm, unfortunate in the looks department. And she gets to have his emotionally crippled, chauvenistic, vain, compulsive gambling butt lording it over her when he is not away working, so
I know im not missing out on anything good, or that made me happy! I really HATE it when i feel bad about him not being a part of my life!
I guess its all part of the healing though and the fact that i can own these thoughts and think them through logically is a big step forward.
Hugs to you all,
Sammie
it seems we are all in the same boat.
It sure does help to find out that it is be normal to be "sick" in this way.
I too think about how my total physical transformation (lost 60pounds, hair is now long and blonde etc) must effect the ex (he sees me about once a month) and buy clothes that i know he would like.
I think that maybe i am trying to punish him in someway? His new g/f is ummmmm, unfortunate in the looks department. And she gets to have his emotionally crippled, chauvenistic, vain, compulsive gambling butt lording it over her when he is not away working, so
I know im not missing out on anything good, or that made me happy! I really HATE it when i feel bad about him not being a part of my life!
I guess its all part of the healing though and the fact that i can own these thoughts and think them through logically is a big step forward.
Hugs to you all,
Sammie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think it is because we don't know how to walk away from someone with it unresolved. I think it's a huge step to be able to do that. We like to make sense of things, we need to, it's just human nature. I think sometimes we have to abandon our common sense to live with an alcoholic. In the end, we need to find peace in deciding to go or peace in deciding to stay.
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