mindilou

We have done so many things wrong over the years of our sons drinking we want to be sure we do it right now and stop enabling him.

He is serving time in jail for a DUI, we have not seen or spoken to him since he was arrested last week.

We really need advice on should we go see him in jail, what we should or should not say to him if we go.


We are so confused

mallowcup

How old is he?

mindilou

He is 38

mallowcup

He's 38. I suppose you could go see him. I wouldn't bail him out. He is your son and you will have no effect on his sentence. He's in a jam you can't get him out of. He is a man so what he does with his life from here is up to him. I would treat him like any other 38 year old son. No money, he isn't living with you, oucould ask him what his plans are.

FriendofBill

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

For familes/friends of alcoholics.....highly suggest it!

Good luck!

zortin

We really feel for you, Mindilou. We are going through this awful alcoholism with our son, too. He will be 34 next month. He lives alone, and we fear for his health and safety. He finally ran out of money, so he should be sober for about 10 more days. Sigh. We still see him just to let him know that he has to do this on his own, but that we love him. Good luck & know that you are not alone in this.

mindilou

One minute I feel strong that we did the right thing and the next I am a mess thinking that when the police called we should have gone and gotten him like they asked instead of leaving them arrest him. I picture him in my mind sitting in a cell thinking we abandoned him and it rips my heart apart.
Yet I know if wehad gone and gotten him he would have done it again.

Does the pain ever stop?

JessicaNAJ

I would say that the thoughts in your mind of him in jail are much harder than what the reality is.

If you are comfortable going to see him in jail, I don't think it would hurt. It might give you peace of mind knowing that he is ok.

princess9282001

Of course you should visit him. He's your son and you love him. Just let him know that you are not going to help him if he ask. He made his bed now let him lie in it. Who knows maybe a little jail will help him realize what he is doing with his life? Probably not though, but at least you know that he is sober and thats a plus.

mindilou

[QUOTE=CarolD]My God sustains me as they are in His hands.

QUOTE]

I know that for my son too but it is hard, I have learned some very helpful things on this site, thank you all

zortin

We are in the same spot as you, mindilou. We know all the things that we SHOULD do (or not do), but when it comes to our son, it is just so hard. That's our baby boy, even though he's an adult. The pain is really intense, but these boards do help a lot. But prayer is my lifesaver.

BlueMoon

I'm watching my mom go thru something very similar with my 40yo brother - I've watched her go thru it and thru it - for over 20 yrs.

Tho not strictly alcohol-related, I'm going thru some major crap with MY 28yo son - -

Do we "save" them?
When does *helping* turn into *saving*???

There is NO right or wrong answer.

My mom is terrified my brother will end up homeless.
As a recovering alcoholic myself, all I can say to that fear is that MAYBE living under a bridge is what HE NEEDS to see he needs help.

She'll take him back into her nest before she'll let that happen. "It's her *job*."
I disagree.

I think the Mama Bird's *job* is to push the baby bird out of the nest - so that he CAN LEARN to fly - on his own.

A few years ago, I watched a Mama Bird teaching her 4 babies how to find their own food. 3 of the babies "got it" and after 2-3 days, I didn't see them any more.

The 4th Baby Bird absolutely REFUSED to get it's own worms and would hophophop after Mama Bird and SQUAWK until she'd feed him.
Day after day.
She'd try to show him HOW to do it himself and he wouldn't even try.
He'd squawk until she'd shove another worm down his throat.

Mama Bird started getting frustrated - funny how you can *tell*!
She'd feed worm after worm to that Baby Bird - who was almost as big as she was -
I watched her get rougher and rougher as she'd just SLAM the worm down Baby Bird 's throat.
I wondered how she could NOT be hurting him.

Then she'd show him AGAIN how to do it and hop away from him. He'd follow. Squawking.
Over and over.

On the 5th day, Mama Bird was looking stressed. Her eyes weren't bright any more. The feathers on her head were scruffy.

Her and Baby Bird landed outside my window.
Baby Bird sat, waiting expectantly.
Mama Bird showed him for the umpteenth time how to find a worm.
Baby Bird just sat and squawked and pitched the fit that always worked before.

Mama Bird ate the worm herself.
When Baby Bird would hop close to her, she'd hop away.
He followed.
She pecked him on the head!
He sat there and squawked and squawked and hopped after her.
She pecked him HARDER and hopped away.

This went on and on. I was sure she was going to actually KILL him.
About the 6-7th time, Mama Bird *PECKED* Baby Bird so hard that he was reeling.
And she flew away.

Baby Bird sat and squawked and squawked. She didn't come back.

A few minutes later, Baby Bird caught his first worm. ALL by himself.

He was SO damned proud of himself.

Then he flew away.



Blue

mindilou

Thanks Bluemoon I needed that