Things To Do If Your Loved One Is Addicted To Drugs And/Or Alcohol:

1. Don't regard this as a family disgrace. Addictive behavior is something all humans
express to some degree or the other. When it it "Gets out of Hand"... Humans Can and
DO make Changes.

2. Don't nag, preach or lecture to the person. Chances are he/she has already told him
or herself everything you can tell them. He/she will take just so much and shut out the
rest. You may only increase their need to lie or force one to make promises that cannot
possibly be kept.

3. Guard against the "holier-than-thou" or martyr-like attitude. It is possible to create this
impression without saying a word. A person's sensitivity is such that he/she judges other
people's attitudes toward him/her more by small things than spoken words.

4. Don't use the "if you loved me," appeal. Since addictive behavior is compulsive...this
approach will very likely increase counterproductive guilt.

5. Avoid any threats unless you think it through carefully and definitely intend to carry
them out. There may be times, of course, when a specific action is necessary to protect
children. Idle threats only make the person feel you don't mean what you say.

6. Don't hide the drugs/alcohol or dispose of them/it. Usually this only pushes the
person into a state of desperation. In the end he/she will simply find new ways of getting
more drugs/liquor.

7. Don't let the person persuade you to use drugs or drink with him/her on the grounds
that it will make him/her use less. It rarely does. Besides, when you condone the
using/drinking, he/she puts off doing something to get help.

8. Don't be jealous of the method of change the person chooses. The tendency is to
think that love of home and family is enough incentive for seeking change.
Frequently the motivation of regaining self-respect is more compelling for the person
than resumption of family responsibilities. You may feel left out when the person turns to
other people for helping stay sober. You wouldn't be jealous of the doctor of someone
needing medical care, would you?

9. Don't expect an immediate 100 percent change. In this effort, there is a period of
"convalescence." There may be relapses and times of tension and resentment.

10. Don't try to protect the person from using/drinking situations. It's one of the quickest
ways to push one into relapse.
They must learn on their own to say "no" gracefully. If you warn people against serving
him/her drinks, you will stir up old feelings of resentment and inadequacy.

11. Don't do for the person that which he/she can do for him/herself. You cannot take
the medicine for him/her. Don't remove the problem before the person can face it, solve
it or suffer the consequences.

12. Do offer love, support and understanding in the recovery.

A Personal Observation
When interacting with others... Keep Your Goal in Mind.
Many Beliefs may create a "Feeling" that tries to "drive" Confrontation. Feelings of
Injustice, of Unfairness, or Frustration and a variety of other Demands. Sometimes to
win is to Loose. So Keep the Goal In Mind and ask yourself before you say or do
something ---
"Is This Going to help me Obtain My Goals? "
Look not so much for a resounding YES, since oft times the solutions are complex and
elusive. Look more for the point blank " NO "...this will only anger or upset the other
person.
Then keeping in mind your Goal...Stop and Don't!
It may have a Feeling that this is somehow "Not Right"...however By Placing your Goal
at the Forefront of your Mind...you will be able to correct that feeling to knowing that you
are doing "What's Best" at the moment.
It's a Win-Win!!!

Seven Guidelines for Great Relationships and Better Communication

1. Accept your partner 'as is.' Avoid blaming. Determine that you are in your relationship
to enjoy yourself, not to try to fix, reform, or straighten out your partner. Be responsible
for your own feelings. Allow yourself to influence your partner, but do not demand that
he or she must change. Also, give her or him the freedom to influence you. Yes, to
persuade and inform you.

2. Express appreciation frequently. Avoid steady criticism. Acknowledge your partner
often for small things. Find, discover, or even create things you really value about your
partner. Say them. Honesty is important here. Avoid the main relationship 'killer' -
frequent criticism of your partner.

3. Communicate from integrity. Be honest regarding beliefs and evidence that conflict
with your own views of what is happening. When your partner is right, admit it. Be both
honest and tactful. Allow different perceptions to exist. Agree to stop penalizing each
other for your honesty as you now often may do. Agree that both of you will be honest
and let the other 'get away' with honesty.

4. Share and explore differences with your partner. Explore disagreements with your
partner to move toward a higher resolution that accepts parts of both your views. Or, to
agree to disagree. Additionally, be ready to compromise without pretending that you
agree when you really don't agree.

5. Support your partner's goals. Don't surrender your own integrity and your own
important desires and views, but go as far as you honestly can to support your partner
even when you clearly disagree.

6. Give your partner the right to be wrong. Respect both of your rights to be fallible
humans- your inalienable right to make mistakes and to learn from your own
experiences and errors. Don't honor only your own right to be an error-prone human!

7. Reconsider your wants as goals that you may achieve later. (This is a guideline that
enables you to work properly with the other six guidelines.) When you don't get what
you want or desire, remind yourself that you don't have to get what you want, now or
ever!

Note: Choose to practice the Seven Guidelines as a unilateral commitment regardless
of what your partner does or doesn't do. Each time you have not succeeded, look to
discover a mistake you may have made. You also may have something significant to
learn about your way of talking or listening.

Tips for Learning and Using the Guidelines

To start you off, here are three simple tips:

Tip #1: Learn 'by littles.' Take one small bite size piece to 'master' at a time. Don't
overload yourself by trying to learn these Seven Guidelines all at once.

Tip #2: Test our assertions, one at a time. Test our claims to prove to you that the
Seven Guidelines are valid. Or to prove them false. Be willing to rework our guidelines
to make them more understandable or workable for yourself.

Tip #3: Make continuing small improvements in your understanding or use of the Seven
Guidelines every week. Aim for improvement, not for perfection. Persist!

Taken from the book, Making Intimate Connections, 7 Guidelines for Great
Relationships and Better Communication by Dr. Albert Ellis and Ted Crawford