JessicaNAJ

but I needed to know.

G has a roommate.....he just got out of jail for driving on a suspended license. I know the guys first name, but that's it.

My concern is...who is this guy? G's only known him a short time. I feel a need to know b/c my kids go over there and if he has a record or is a convicted felon or worse yet, a sex offender...I need to know. Don't you think?

So I asked G what his last name was. Looked on the Clerks website...nothing. I know this guy just got out of jail, so why can't I find him. So I leveled with G and told him why I was curious.

I find out the guys "real" first name and his age. All he has was traffic (2 DUI) charges and some child support charges (failure to pay). All in the past.

So I'm supposed to feel better, right?

I don't. This guy is 43 years old and is staying with G. Why don't he have a place of his own? It's not b/c he just got out of jail b/c he was going to stay with him before he went in.

Are my kids safe there? Now I not only have to worry about G not drinking when they're there, but I have to worry about this guy's influence on G too. When G drank at home, it was a different story...I was there. and when I wasn't, I usually took the kids with me. I quit a teaching job b/c I came home too many times with G being drunk. A huge fear of mine is something will happen to the kids and b/c G is drinking, he won't be able to help them....or he'll pass out, or worse, drive drunk with them in the car.

I'm afraid this guy being there is only bad news. I know....G's a big boy and will make his own choices, but......

Maybe I'm making the wrong assumptions.

Am I sounding too critical? Am I wrong to be leary? How can I say it's none of my business...when really it's not?

LaTeeDa

Gosh, I understand your fears because I have children, too. But I can't really come up with any suggestions unless I know how old your children are. Are they old enough to phone you if they are uncomfortable or just want to come home for any reason?

If they are too young for that, I would seriously consider not letting them spend time with him at all. At least unsupervised, that is.

JessicaNAJ

They are 10 and 4. I'd like to think that my son will call if he's uncomfortable....if his dad lets him use the phone. AND I just taught my 4 year old how to dial 9-1-1.

LaTeeDa

When my AH and I first separated, he was still drinking. The children were only allowed to go for "day visits" a few hours at a time, no overnights. And I always let them know that if, for any reason, they did not want to be there, they could call and I would come and get them. Now that he is no longer drinking, they are allowed overnight visits and even whole weekends, but they still know that I will come if they want me to, for any reason, and take them back home. He knows this, too.

Maybe you could get your son one of those kid cell phones if you are worried that they would not be allowed to use the phone. (You know, the kind where you program in a limited amount of numbers, and they can call only them?)

Just some ideas. You really can't tell him who he can live with, but you can take some precautions to make sure your kids are safe.

Oh yeah, and I have been taking my kids to his house and picking them up because I am not absolutely convinced that he has not or will not drink and drive. Just one more thing that increases my comfort level.

Best wishes and ((()))

L

pmaslan

Too bad the new roommate wasn't more responsible. He would have been
a great financial help to G. You wouldn't have to worry so much about his
rent, bills ect...
I don't blame you for worrying about how this will impact your kids.
I feel kids are never too protected.
Use your gut on this one.
If you feel he is a bad influence near your children,
make it known.
I would

laurie6781

Jessica this does not sound good.

May I suggest that it might be time to take the next step and make it an official separation through the courts so that set visitation times can be ordered by the court and some ground rules ordered by the court. ie G must not be drinking and no drinking in his home when children visit, or some wording similiar.

I can only share my opinion, so if it were me, I would no longer let my kids go over there as the environment has changed drastically.

Your children have already seen enough of what alcoholism does from their father, they do not need to experience it from another one practicing the disease.

I will continue to keep you and your children in my daily prayers.

JMHO

Love and hugs,

guyinNC

Trust your feelings, protect the kids!

mythreesons

Do you have a court ordered visitation schedule? If not, have G visit with the kids at your place or ask for supervised visitation from the courts? Does he keep true to any visitation schedule now, definative days, on time for pick ups things like?

StandingStrong

43 year old man living with G.
G has known him for a very short time.
43 year old man was going to move in with G before he went to jail.
Has traffic violations of DUI's.
Also has voilation of non-payment of child support.

Okay, so this is what you know - whether from G or the website you checked out.

But...let's look at G.

Doesn't pay child support for his children.
Doens't live with you but you do your taxes with him, loan him money sometimes and considering doing so now to help him get caught up with his rent, etc.
Does G have any traffic violations? (I don't recall you mentioning any) But I do recall you mentioning his own drinking and driving and/or driving under the influence.
I also recall a few times that he was passed out at the house when he had the children over there.
As well as his promising his son that he'd see the kids - but then not showing up as promised.

So do I think it would be a responsible move on G's part to have this man for a roommate?
From what you have stated - no, I don't think so.
Could it be a bad thing for your children?
It's possible.
Could this man assume that he can move in and allow G to enable him?
It's ironic - but it's very possible.

Should you be concerned about your children being there?
I would be.

Now, the question is, if you are concerned (which obviously you are as your post states so) - what do you plan to do to protect your children in a way that makes you feel safe?

minnie

Jess, are you trying to find an easier, softer way to solve the G/kids issue by objecting to the room-mate rather than tackling him about your concerns about HIM (see SS's post)?

JessicaNAJ

No. I just think it's odd that a 43 year old is staying with him. I guess I'm narrow minded but at 43 shouldn't the guy be responsible enough to have his own place. I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm glad he's helping out G (or going to be helping out G), but with G's lack of responsibility and now this guy to "cheer" him along. I have some concerns.

That's my problem....I look to far into the future sometimes instead of taking it one day at a time.

pmaslan

Jess...from your initial post this man sounds horrible.
He has all of the characteristics of someone I wouldn't
want within 3 feet of my children.
G has made poor choices and will continue to make poor choices.
It seems to me that you don't mind when he comes by to visit at your home.
I would probably encourage that type of visitation for as
long as the new roommate is in the picture.
Have you expressed you concerns with G?
Not that I think he will understand your feelings.....
Everyday seems to bring a new issue doesn't it?
(((Jess)))

LaTeeDa

You would think, wouldn't you. When I told my AH he could not live with me anymore, he went out and found a roommate. And he's 42. Some just never grow up.

L

minnie

Jess, I understand your concerns about this guy, believe me. After all, a responsible adult doesn't get one DUI, never mind going out and getting a second. Strange though that you say that he should be responsible for having his own place etc etc when G has barely been keeping a roof over his own head. Birds of a feather and all that.

Your concerns about G are equally valid and I am unsure why you are focussing on the unknown risk rather than the known risk.

Kids come first, right?

CatsTail

It's not odd that a 43 year old would want to stay with him. Birds of a feather flock together, if they are both A's they'll want to be A's together.

Protect your kids, don't put them in a bad situation.

You have a point to be worried, you don't know who you are dealing with.

Ngaire

mallowcup

Innocent until proven guilty. You are right to keep a watchful eye, but this man hasn't done anything wrong.

velvet

I understand your fear. Go with your gut feeling. I agree...43...no place to call your own?? He may not be a real bad guy, but has had issues, I'm sure...or he'd have alittle more on the ball. I say go to court...in the parenting agreement, you can state what you want during visitation...another family member present...limited time..no overnights..etc. Also a good thing is no out of town with the kids. Also, the kid cell phone idea is great. They sell them at Target..or most places. I would tell the older one, it is a secret or some way that the younger one doesn't spill the beans and that dad doesn't know about it. Sometimes you have to go the secret route, even when you don't want to instill those values in your children..I would definately be careful. (Kids can also be "sick" quite alot on the weekends that they are suppose to go to dads) Kids come first.

StandingStrong

Jessica, maybe I'm way out of line here. But I've been thinking about your post.

While the man hasn't done anything wrong (thank you mallowcup for that reminder), I can understand your fears as the only things you tend to know about him do make him look like an irresponsible man. But I really think that in all honesty, the issue here isn't so much about the man.
I'm guessing that the man is just another one of those reflections on G. G is irresponsible and you perhaps see that this man is also from what you know. Perhaps G has a pattern of picking the wrong friends or hanging out with less than desirable people. For whatever reason, I think I see it that G is supposed to be a responsible parent to the children and if he chooses to have some man move in that is or seems to be irresponsible, could put your children in a bad situation, etc. - I think the issue should lie on G himself, not the roommate.

I guess I'm wondering if maybe you are trying to deflect the issue away from G when I believe it's G that you have the issue with.

As I said, I hope I'm not out of line. I've just seen too many times where the blame for our A's gets put on other things and people when it all comes back to the A themselves.

Just some food for thought.

mallowcup

I'm one paycheck away from not having a place to live sometimes. If my brother, father, son or husband needed a place to stay, I would be glad to know that someone would take him in until he gets on his feet. Some alcoholics look for company. Some people are impoverished, maybe the man is widowed, I just wouldn't turn him into a pervert without evidence that he's done something. Everyone who needs to make changes in his or her life needs to start somewhere. There has to be a "day one".

Pick-a-name

The issue with the kids aside (of course that is what is important) but I don't find this strange at all that this is the kind of persn G. has as a roommate. Heck; Jessica is married to him (and loves him!) and won't live with him.......really, who "normal" would want to knowingly hook up with an active alcoholic except for another one or someone with their own issues and/or desperatefor a place to live.

Water finds its own level!