TexasGirl

I am even more sure than ever that my H is cheating. Let me tell you the story (sorry for all the details...).

I went to bed at 10:30 last night. I awoke at 1:30 or so, and my H was not in bed with me. Not unusual. I figured he was asleep on the couch. Very usual. I went to the living room, and he was not there. So I looked outside, and get this, his car WAS there. Hmmm...so I looked around the house to make sure he wasn't somewhere. Walked outside...nothing. I got my phone to call, and I stopped myself. If he was doing something wrong, I'd prefer he thought he got away with it, and I could catch him in a lie. So I went back to bed. I didn't sleep for about an hour, so I know he wasn't there at that time.

At 6:50 a.m., he got in bed with me. So I said, "Why are you just coming to bed?" Him - "I was asleep on the couch." Hmmm... Me - "I was up for an hour last night... (gave all the details)." Him - "Oh, yeah, I went for a walk last night. I couldn't sleep. And then I went to McDonalds for breakfast" Uh-huh, at 2 a.m. Sure...you went for a walk. And you walked to McDonalds?

I get up for the day, and check in his wallet. There's a receipt for a bar way across town. Clearly he didn't walk there. I sneak back into the bedroom to get his cell phone. Outgoing calls...nothing abnormal. Incoming calls...same thing. Guess what he forgot to erase? Missed calls. There's one at 12:20 a.m. I blocked my number this morning to call, and yup, it was a girl.

Do you know what I did? I laughed. My first thought was finally...I'm free. A couple of hours later, I'm starting to not feel so great about it. It still hurts some. But mostly I really don't care. I definitely have mixed feelings this morning.

I hope I can stay firm in my apathy and my realization that this marriage is finally over. But I do get easily convinced...he has such a way of making me doubt myself...

Jazzman

Sorry to hear this TG. Let it sink in then serve as motivation.
For what it's worth, I'm sure you could do better.

minnie

(((TG)))

I know you have been searching for answers for a long time. I am sorry to hear them come in this form, but perhaps it was needed.

Just remember the facts. My ex was trying to get back with me for months after we split up, denying that he had met someone else. I later found out that they were actually engaged for a large part of this time. I am very glad that I had some cold hard facts to keep me detached.

GettingBy

How do you think he's going to get you to doubt the girl? Her call? The receipt from the Bar? Maybe by telling you that she's a "friend" from work and that there was a gathering over there last night? Okay, so if that's the case... why didn't he tell you he was leaving? Why did he make up the story about McDonalds and sleeping on the couch? There's so many holes in his story, and when you confront him, he's going to do his best dance to try and plug those holes back up... with more lies.

I guess what I'm trying to get you to do here TG, is to identify (beforehand) what his typical strageties/games are, so when he plays them... you see the truth and don't fall for the bait.

You're armed with the information you needed to walk out the door. It's time to starting stepping.

As for the hurt, yes, it's going to hurt. You've been betrayed, lied to, cheated on. Your pain is extremelly valid so make sure you take time to feel it, and deal with it. Don't deny yourself the right to be human.

(((Texasgirl)))... have you been to any Al-anon meetings yet?

Prayers are with you,
Shannon

goffredo

I agree with shannon and I am very sorry for what you are going through. For now you're bound to feel confused, shocked, angry, sad, all kinds of feelings. I'd say take your time before you confront him, i feel I can do better things with a cool head. if you feel you're weak and could fall for his lies and start to doubt yourself, that's even more of a reason to take some time. It stinks to me, what he says doesn't make sense but i can't say for sure. i hope you find the strength to do what's right for you: love yourself and letyour HP guide you. Love Jo

Cynay

*hugs* I hate when that happens, even though that is sometimes the straw needed to make the hard decisions.

You know, Im not even sure it would do anygood to confront him. If you dont, then you dont have to weed through the lies he is sure to make up, and you dont have to fight that guilt feeling/anger he is going to try to give you. When the time comes that you are ready to go, then you could give him the reasons and not give him the time to make up the stories as you walk out the door.

You have been looking for answers .... now maybe you need to look for solutions.

denny57

I went through this, too. The difference was this last time, I said nothing, I was just tired and sad about it all. No confrontation. Took a deep breath and spent the next weeks planning my strategy. AH is now out on his own and my life is so much more peaceful. It is not easy, but you can do it. When the time came to tell him he could not come home, I just stated as fact his involvement with this OW. No chance of argument or debate, just laid it out. He did feebly try to say "what woman?" I had gotten her name and said it. I thought he was going to faint. I wished him well with his recovery if he chose to seek it.

ASpouse

TG, why not just ask him? Not an emotional outburst, but ask him, very matter of factly and give him the facts as you know them, don't embellish.

I think this will catch him off guard, he will surely deny it and you can simply tell him that you don't believe him.

I remember a few months back you were saying how sacred your marriage vows and commitment were to you. Well, I guess he doesn't feel that your marriage vows and commitment to you are as sacred as you feel they are huh? Something to think about, is all I'm trying to say.

Aquiana

I'm sorry you had to find this out TG. Some good advice already. I like what Shannon said about knowing his game plan. You probably have a pretty good idea of how he plays by now. I know with G I can usually figure out what he's going to say almost down to the moment he says it. Creepy. Don't be afraid to take your time if you think you might be vunerable. Maybe there's someplace you can go for a few days and think? Remember it's him that's missing out. You deserve much better.

equus

Take care and look after yourself through this TG!! You'll be in my thoughts.

gelfling

Document all this stuff. Seems when it comes to the time when you need to "remember" and justify your actions, it's gone down the tubes. And you sit there floundering and wondering..."did it happen"? They're such good liars and twisters of the truth.

And I'm with Cynay about not confronting him. Why make yourself ill? You know what the answers are going to be. Save your energy for healthy and productive stuff. The next step in your life.

Blessings

Jazzman

I don't think confronting him would serve any purpose. I would just let this soak in and not do anything for a while. But that's just me.

TexasGirl

This is definitive, isn’t it? Well, actually, it isn’t 100% so. I hate that. I wish I had “hard” evidence. It would make me feel validated. There is the slightest possibility that I would be making myself look like a fool making up wild stories, though it seems ridiculously unlikely, but I don’t like that.

Perhaps this is what is necessary. It’s weird…either this feels so surreal or I really don’t care as much as I should. I think that’s a good idea to prepare for each dodge he may throw. I don’t know why I fall for this stuff…I guess I just want to believe the best in everyone, especially my spouse.

Yes, I was really struggling with leaving because I did make vows. But, Biblically speaking, divorce is acceptable in the case of adultery. I know I have done plenty of other things in the past that are not “Christian,” but this one was big to me. But this is my “loophole.” My chance.

He just called me, and he’s already back-peddling. I refused to discuss things since I’m at work, but he said are you mad at me? Are you mad because I went out for a little bit last night? I just didn’t want to make you mad, so I didn’t tell you. Ummm…that’s called blatant lying!

While part of me feels sad, in a strange, strange way, I almost feel happy. Is that weird or what?

Cynay

Nahh its not weird... its just called the process.

That is another good reason to leave it alone and give it some time. It helps to define how your really feeling..... I know for me when I started discussing it with them before I had it straight in my head they just confused the issues, situation and left me more confused

ASpouse

Jazzman, confronting is one thing, asking in a matter of fact conversational tone is something else. I'm very good at it! (except probably on these boards! <vbg>

pmaslan

TG....after my mental post this morning I feel that anything I say at this point
is counter-productive.

I just want to say I am sorry for your pain. I know you have been searching for
answers and now you may have found them. The truth is the hardest pill to swallow.
Be good to yourself. I for one will be pampering myself tonight, it's been a tough day
for me and it's not even noon yet.....
(((TG)))

cwohio

((TG)) - no advice from this peanut gallery - just thinking about you and praying for your peace and clarity.

Minx1969

Hey there TG-

One thing I've learned is to trust my instincts...I don't think you need "hard evidence" you know..

I'm sorry you are going through this..It's not an easy thing to walk through, but I know that you are strong and will get through it..

We're here for you..

BlueMoon

"While part of me feels sad, in a strange, strange way, I almost feel happy. Is that weird or what?"

I've BTDT - and no, I don't think that's "weird". Not at all.
For me, it felt like happy relief that I finally KNEW "I'm NOT imagining things!"

Then of course, I'd go back to feeling like crap (for a while) that it WASN'T "just in my mind".

WE are NOT insane - the situation IS.

Pick-a-name

TG. Sorry about all of this......it's crappy, I know. Last year about this time my 22yr old son found some cards sent to AH by a woman we know (she worked for his). AH was on a ski trip at the time. I gathered up all the cards and stashed them away. When he called to say he was back and tell about his trip, I just kept it cool and kept the call brief and detatched. The next morning at work he got the email from me telling him what son had found and that he could stop the lying.

When he worked up the courage to call me an hour or so later, I told him that "sorry" didn't really cut it for me, and that I didn't really feel like talking to him right then. I said that I also said there was really nothing to say right now:he was sorry...he was found out and I didn't want to hear any excuses or lies either, so I would just assume not say anything right then. It was a waste of my time, and his.

He STILL tried to turn it around on me........that I didn't want to talk to him or hear him out....so he was the "victim" here! haha

Good luck; take your time!