Another "Worst Night of my Life"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
I know you asked that this thread die, and I'm sorry I couldn't help myself to post. I have been exactly where you are watching G drink and drive. A few weeks ago I did call the police. Hardest thing ever. I'm totally not judging you but a couple of the things that really pushed me were what would happen to myself and my son if I didn't. He could be sued if he hurts someone and I would have to pay. The police could find out I knew and let it happen and then I'd be partly liable. My car insurance would probably be gone (years ago my dad go an impaired on his own insurance and they cancelled my moms because they were married). Like I said, please don't think I'm beating you up but I'd hate to see you dragged into a mess caused by someone else's problem. Protect yourself okay?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Jbat,
Something in your life must change, and you are aware that its about to. You seem to see the potential for those changes to be either: bad or worse, such as death or jail. You are being realistic. Thats a distinct possibility.
Yet, you can also change your situation towards health and positivity if you believe that it is possible and that you are worth it, but it will require different responses on your part.
I learned that my own recovery and serenity starts when I drop my defenses and excuses and muster up the courage to change.
And no, that is not an attack toward you, so lets not play that one any longer.
Its about being openminded and emotionally mature enough to consider new ways of dealing with experiences that cause only pain and heartache and illness. The people here who are taking the time and sharing with you have offered suggestions with the intention that you may find a way to RELATE, RECONSIDER YOUR OPTIONS, GAIN A NEW PERSPECTIVE, HEAL YOUR SITUATION.
Funny thing is we ALL think NOBODY can understand OUR unique situation. But, actually, we are ALL quite similar.
Like you, I was married to, shared a business with, and had dramas and traumas and misery with an addict/alcoholic who hit me and drove drunk. Like you, I got mad if anyone gave me advice, especially if it meant I had to be accountable for having a role in my own unhappiness, or correcting negligent behaviour that jeopardized the safety of innocent people. I felt they were attacking me when they felt strongly enough to want me to wake up and see the insanity I was living with. But I see now that I was very sick.
When I had honestly had enough of that life and all the insanity it entailed, I first began to establish certain boundaries. Such as: if you get in that car drunk, I will report you. If you push, hit or shove me, I leave you. For good. (Emphasis on "for good")
He did all of the above again, and I did keep my word. Best and maybe the most life saving little steps I have EVER taken. A better life starts with 1 step at a time.
you can do it. You deserve it and frankly, so do we.
Something in your life must change, and you are aware that its about to. You seem to see the potential for those changes to be either: bad or worse, such as death or jail. You are being realistic. Thats a distinct possibility.
Yet, you can also change your situation towards health and positivity if you believe that it is possible and that you are worth it, but it will require different responses on your part.
I learned that my own recovery and serenity starts when I drop my defenses and excuses and muster up the courage to change.
And no, that is not an attack toward you, so lets not play that one any longer.
Its about being openminded and emotionally mature enough to consider new ways of dealing with experiences that cause only pain and heartache and illness. The people here who are taking the time and sharing with you have offered suggestions with the intention that you may find a way to RELATE, RECONSIDER YOUR OPTIONS, GAIN A NEW PERSPECTIVE, HEAL YOUR SITUATION.
Funny thing is we ALL think NOBODY can understand OUR unique situation. But, actually, we are ALL quite similar.
Like you, I was married to, shared a business with, and had dramas and traumas and misery with an addict/alcoholic who hit me and drove drunk. Like you, I got mad if anyone gave me advice, especially if it meant I had to be accountable for having a role in my own unhappiness, or correcting negligent behaviour that jeopardized the safety of innocent people. I felt they were attacking me when they felt strongly enough to want me to wake up and see the insanity I was living with. But I see now that I was very sick.
When I had honestly had enough of that life and all the insanity it entailed, I first began to establish certain boundaries. Such as: if you get in that car drunk, I will report you. If you push, hit or shove me, I leave you. For good. (Emphasis on "for good")
He did all of the above again, and I did keep my word. Best and maybe the most life saving little steps I have EVER taken. A better life starts with 1 step at a time.
you can do it. You deserve it and frankly, so do we.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
but I can not accept people telling me what they WOULD HAVE done in my same situation.
What is it exactly that you want everyone to say? Why don't you tell us how you want us to respond (in true co-de fashion, that ole' controlling issue) and perhaps we can do that.
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Hey JBat, here was your original question:
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? How I can I change MY life and not be a part of this nightmare anymore??? Does anyone have any ideas?
You two have a business together. If he hurts someone while driving you can probably kiss your business goodbye or spend the rest of your life working to pay for the care of someone else if they get hurt enough to be disabled.
My husband is in jail for violation of his probation on a dui charge. Near death episodes haven't provided him a rock bottom yet. Perhaps jail will. If not then I say his rock bottom is dead. Anyway, in regards to your husband, a stint in jail might do the trick for him. And I know when my husband gets out AA, a program out of the sheriff's office (where he'll be pee-tested 7 days a week), and an order to keep up with his mental health stuff are all going to be part of his release. YOu know, if he takes off driving drunk, you can call the cops and tell them and also ask them not to tell him you tipped him off. My husband's first dui was during a snow storm and he was driving nice and slow. But a cop thought he saw my H rearend someone. He didn't but the cop stopped him anyway and lo and behold when my H lowered that window I'm sure the smell of the booze from that warm car just about knocked that cop over.
And if he does get arrested, you don't have to bail him out. I've never bailed my H out and I never would and he knows it. And they allow them to get their own attorney's from jail. You don't have to do that either. Just some thoughts. I do know this time with him in jail has been good for me healthwise. The stress level was really getting to me emotionally and physically.
Believe me when I say we here at SR are your friends and real friends will tell you what you HAVE to hear, even if it's not always what you want to hear.
Take care and I hope you come back to us.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? How I can I change MY life and not be a part of this nightmare anymore??? Does anyone have any ideas?
You two have a business together. If he hurts someone while driving you can probably kiss your business goodbye or spend the rest of your life working to pay for the care of someone else if they get hurt enough to be disabled.
My husband is in jail for violation of his probation on a dui charge. Near death episodes haven't provided him a rock bottom yet. Perhaps jail will. If not then I say his rock bottom is dead. Anyway, in regards to your husband, a stint in jail might do the trick for him. And I know when my husband gets out AA, a program out of the sheriff's office (where he'll be pee-tested 7 days a week), and an order to keep up with his mental health stuff are all going to be part of his release. YOu know, if he takes off driving drunk, you can call the cops and tell them and also ask them not to tell him you tipped him off. My husband's first dui was during a snow storm and he was driving nice and slow. But a cop thought he saw my H rearend someone. He didn't but the cop stopped him anyway and lo and behold when my H lowered that window I'm sure the smell of the booze from that warm car just about knocked that cop over.
And if he does get arrested, you don't have to bail him out. I've never bailed my H out and I never would and he knows it. And they allow them to get their own attorney's from jail. You don't have to do that either. Just some thoughts. I do know this time with him in jail has been good for me healthwise. The stress level was really getting to me emotionally and physically.
Believe me when I say we here at SR are your friends and real friends will tell you what you HAVE to hear, even if it's not always what you want to hear.
Take care and I hope you come back to us.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 889
I think it's sad JBat left over some misunderstandings and a few close minded posts...please ppl, try to be nice, pushing your ideas down someone's throat isn't gonna work, it'll only cause upset and ppl doing the contrary of what you preach...to you it might seem logical but really...the powers and mystery of love aren't that easy to understand.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by BSPGirl
I think it's sad JBat left over some misunderstandings and a few close minded posts...please ppl, try to be nice
AND I think we're all nice!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Jbat
I can't believe I asked you all to let this thread die and you had to go on. I thought this board was a positive thing.
Jbat, Sorry you feel "picked on". All this good advice that you have been given is only that, advice. You can use it or ignore it, just like the rest of us.
As for letting this thread die........unfortunately there are thousands and thousands of us dealing with these problems, and luckily many of us have found our way here for help. You are able to just not read this thread if it is upsetting to you, but for some people this information that has been shared may be an answer to their prayers. We all keep posting for ALL of us.
Sorry if this sounds harsh; that is not my intent. Wishing you only good
things.
"Take what you want and leave the rest!"
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Jbat,
Ever hear of "tough love"? Before you get all pissed off, check it out. That's what we're offering you.
Sending true heartfelt love.
Come back and talk with us.
That's a fine looking monster size of a pup you've got there.
Ever hear of "tough love"? Before you get all pissed off, check it out. That's what we're offering you.
Sending true heartfelt love.
Come back and talk with us.
That's a fine looking monster size of a pup you've got there.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
Dear Jbat
I AM so sorry to hear of your situation. Believe me I know exactly what your going through. Went through it all myself, with my husband.
I remember those nightmare situations like it was yesterday. It ruined my nerves. I remember how stressed out and confused and exhausted i was. I couldn't think straight, I was just imagining the worst outcome.
the mental anguise is something that the user will never understand.
I'm so sorry for you dear.
My husband has been sober for 2 yrs now and All I can say to you is when they are using.....there is nothing you can do. It is really not in your hands.It's so hard to see clearly when you caught in it.
The only thing you can do is try not to let your mind go to the worst places. You can't stop him, or prevent the out-come of the situation.
Take care of your self and don't try and predict a negative out-come.
That will drive you crazy.
take care of yourself.....
regards Sally
I remember those nightmare situations like it was yesterday. It ruined my nerves. I remember how stressed out and confused and exhausted i was. I couldn't think straight, I was just imagining the worst outcome.
the mental anguise is something that the user will never understand.
I'm so sorry for you dear.
My husband has been sober for 2 yrs now and All I can say to you is when they are using.....there is nothing you can do. It is really not in your hands.It's so hard to see clearly when you caught in it.
The only thing you can do is try not to let your mind go to the worst places. You can't stop him, or prevent the out-come of the situation.
Take care of your self and don't try and predict a negative out-come.
That will drive you crazy.
take care of yourself.....
regards Sally
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