Ok, Step 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: North Florida
Posts: 16
Ok, Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
OK this means to me that I am powerless over the alcohol and the effects it has on my Ab/f'. I cannot make him act one way or another.
The second part is a little confusing. When I think of my life being unmangeable, I think of all the times I have manipulated a situation, in my relationship, to avoid embarrassment from others. Or I have tried to control a situation so that it would benefit me.
Also sometimes I ignore my family or cancel out on plans because my b/f is drunk or I am feeling down.
Does this relate to step one or am I off a bit??
Please let me know, thanks,
Kitchu
OK this means to me that I am powerless over the alcohol and the effects it has on my Ab/f'. I cannot make him act one way or another.
The second part is a little confusing. When I think of my life being unmangeable, I think of all the times I have manipulated a situation, in my relationship, to avoid embarrassment from others. Or I have tried to control a situation so that it would benefit me.
Also sometimes I ignore my family or cancel out on plans because my b/f is drunk or I am feeling down.
Does this relate to step one or am I off a bit??
Please let me know, thanks,
Kitchu
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Unstable State
Posts: 95
For me married, I cannot control my SO no matter what. Life is unmanageable because of that. Also being in this situation has change me in a negative way, and life is not manageable, or I guess ours. Believe me, I get mad when it I shouldn't, that is unmanageable. Thanks for this it made me think.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Just some thoughts. Addiction is a family illness, it effects those who are close very deeply. My life with my ex sure did become unmanagable and I was doing crazy things. After a few short years I am not sure who was more unstable, he or I.
There are lots of wiser and more experienced people who will be along. In the mean time, have you read the "stickies" at the top of the forum? They are highly informative and enlightening.
best wishes,
live
There are lots of wiser and more experienced people who will be along. In the mean time, have you read the "stickies" at the top of the forum? They are highly informative and enlightening.
best wishes,
live
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
For many, the Powerlessness that is referenced in Step One can be a multitude of things : I read it as I admitted I was powerless over people, places and things. NOT just my alcoholic/addict loved ones. I am also powerless over my mother, my boss, even the dadgum cable repairman who shows up late.
When I first started going to Al Anon, I wanted them to help me fix him and fix our marriage. It took a while for me to truly understand the powerlessness.
Step 2 has a LOT of components:
First, it's also a process... I see it as I came, I came to and then I came to believe.
THEN I had to believe that somwhere out there was a power greater than myself - was it the God of my childhood, was it the group? Was it something bigger I didnt' understand yet?
And Finally - could restore me to sanity. That means that I have to know what sanity IS, and believe that I could actually get there again!
K, there is a step study here on the Al Anon board I believe... each step had a different thread. If you want, I'll try to find the link so you can read thru them.
Hugs
Barb
When I first started going to Al Anon, I wanted them to help me fix him and fix our marriage. It took a while for me to truly understand the powerlessness.
Step 2 has a LOT of components:
First, it's also a process... I see it as I came, I came to and then I came to believe.
THEN I had to believe that somwhere out there was a power greater than myself - was it the God of my childhood, was it the group? Was it something bigger I didnt' understand yet?
And Finally - could restore me to sanity. That means that I have to know what sanity IS, and believe that I could actually get there again!
K, there is a step study here on the Al Anon board I believe... each step had a different thread. If you want, I'll try to find the link so you can read thru them.
Hugs
Barb
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 115
For me my life became unmanageable when I kept on expecting my partner to stop using/drinking just because she loved me; when I believed she would stop just because she was saying so; when plans with people got cancelled; when I tried to force solutions by controlling; when I was enabling; when i wasn't sleeping at night waiting for my partner to return; when i was looking for her in all the local pubs; when I wasn't eating; when I took days off work because I was physically and emotionally exhausted; when my partner would embarass me in public; when i didn't know what was going to happen from one day to the next; when i didn't want to wake up in the morning... the list is endless.I hope this helps Love Jo
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Does this relate to step one or am I off a bit??
Some examples for me, when I try and control my husband's drinking, I get so focused on him that I don't have enough time to take care of me. Haircuts get skipped, mealtimes come and go without me eating, I stop sleeping... all sorts of "little" things that keep my feet from underneath me.
Criticism from others - This one was hard for me to see it as a "Step One." When people would make comments to me about my house, my hair, my work, just about anything, I found that I couldn't just take it as their opinion. I took things personally. If what they had to say was even mildly negative, I immediately took it to mean that I was worthless and needed to do something improve myself and fix their perception of me! LOL! I spent so much time trying to be all to everyone, that I never had time to be me and enjoy myself, my life was unmanageable. When I accepted that I can't control other people's perceptions, I learned that their opinions of me were just that, theirs and not mine. As long as I'm okay with me, then all is okay.
Like I said, Step One is something I do daily, sometimes hourly. When I find myself feeling "icky" or "down," I now look around and say, "Is there something I'm trying to control that's not mine to control?" If so, I walk away from it immediately and take some time to pamper myself.
There was a wonderful set of questions for Step Work some time ago (I believe they were from Al-Anon Paths to Recovery). Maybe I can dig them up and bring them back. They really helped me to start to see just how far reaching Step One was!
:-) Shannon
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Here are those questions from Paths to Recovery:
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: North Florida
Posts: 16
Yes I have read some of the stickies but not all the way through...taking my time.
Osier59,
Thanks for the questions from Paths to Recovery
Boy can I relate to the "mother thing" My mom is also an addict. Been sober for 3 years. Before that she was attending AA and had some miner slip ups here and there. She still attends but misses her Houston group whom she was very close with.
Luckily she was not a heavy drinker.
ANyways I find myself trying to control her all the time. It really sucks and makes her cry sometimes. She is the sweetest mommy and I can be a real nagging B*****. But I am learning not to do that anymore.
Getting By,
Yes this sounds famillar, focussing on the A and letting the "little things" that you need to do, just slip away.
Also I like what you said, "When I accepted that I can't control other people's perceptions, I learned that their opinions of me were just that, theirs and not mine. As long as I'm okay with me, then all is okay". Yes I am learning that about myself to!!
Thanks to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
K
Osier59,
Thanks for the questions from Paths to Recovery
Boy can I relate to the "mother thing" My mom is also an addict. Been sober for 3 years. Before that she was attending AA and had some miner slip ups here and there. She still attends but misses her Houston group whom she was very close with.
Luckily she was not a heavy drinker.
ANyways I find myself trying to control her all the time. It really sucks and makes her cry sometimes. She is the sweetest mommy and I can be a real nagging B*****. But I am learning not to do that anymore.
Getting By,
Yes this sounds famillar, focussing on the A and letting the "little things" that you need to do, just slip away.
Also I like what you said, "When I accepted that I can't control other people's perceptions, I learned that their opinions of me were just that, theirs and not mine. As long as I'm okay with me, then all is okay". Yes I am learning that about myself to!!
Thanks to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
K
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