preciouz

Hi people,
(It's hard to hold back tears) What can I say? Well, the past week I have been on the downer side of life. I don't know really how to explain it. I seriously woke up one day and just feel miserable since. Anyways, I have posted quiet a few times regarding my parents. I really thought that the past few weeks I have been doing well in how I play a part in this mess. I really don't know who to talk to since I can't talked to my therapist until i meet with her. But i can't keep it to myself anymore. I feel like I hit a wall. I was doing fine just going on with my business, and now i find myself just upset & disappointed. I didn't have a fight with my parents, nor have they fought for about 3 days.

Since my last therapy session, how much my life has been so screwed up has finally started to really hit me. I know my life wasn't perfect and I know I had issues, but I didn't realize how badly I was. I am a wreck & I am hurt. I knew, but talking about things really really made it so clear as day of how bad it has been. All i could think about is why? I tired thinking optmisticly... things happen for a reason... and i tried giving myself possible reasons why... After going to therapy last week, I spent about 2 hours just crying and not really saying anything. My boyfriend had ask me if I wanted to talk about it and i said no I just want to cry. And since then I have felt that same way... just feeling like to cry. I am just depressed. I have had angry spells, but swolled it in. Which sin't entirely the best decision sometimes. I feel like I am just rambling, and I feel so bleek about the future.

Gosh.. my parents. I am so fed up. I made too many excuses for them, and I won't anymore. After last week... I'll never look at my parents the same way again. My mom is hardly ever home, because she works, and when she doesn't she is with my dad taking him whever he "planed" to go. My dad... gosh.. I am so sick of his tendacies & his issues & his everything!! I am so sick of his reasons and his way of thinking. I just want him gone for good. I have to play parent so much to my siblings to the point as if we didn't have parents. Its makes me upset because my mom doesn't have the time to make time to spend with us, but can drive my dad around, and go do whatever else she does. I almost told her how i felt a few minutes ago, but i didn't. No use in talking to her. Excuses can be made all they want... i am not the same person. I don't know... I simply can't ignor and not try to do something about what is happening. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be "happy" and then upset. Gosh I am lost. I've been like that too long because of all this crap. Gosh I am crying again. I've been broken too long.. I know it's time to put my self together. I've hit a emotional wall. I need to breakthrough it.

Thanks for taking the time to read and see me ramble. I hope everyone had a good day.

denny57

((preciouz)) sorry to see you are in such pain. hang in there.

Bettertimez

(((preciouz))) I am sorry that you are feeling bad/sad today. I went back and read some of your past threads. It must be really hard to live in your situation. I remember when I first went to therapy and finally admitted that my mom was an alcoholic. Talking about it and having it feel so real really sent me into a tailspin. I came home and cried and cried and I never thought the pain and shame would pass. But once I really allowed myself to feel that pain and anger (and kept going to therapy) it slowly healed and I began to feel better. I remember during my years of therapy that when I would "hit a wall", it was usually followed by a huge growth step of some kind. It always seemed to feel worse right before it got better. I hope the same is true for you and that you feel better soon.

Zoey

Do you have a therapist?? It does help to hear ourselves say it all outloud without interruption until we are ready to ask questions. Just like typing it out here seems to help, and here too, we know we are not alone. Tears are very good. They help us heal.
Just wanted to seend HUGS