Sally

Hello everybody......well I've come along way in the last few weeks. since I started posting here.

I have found such support and comfort here, it has really made a difference.

Iam back at my apartment....was staying at spouses over holidays.

we have decided to list our house......just to see what were looking at getting for it.......
we are concidering moving.......to a different area, mainly because of all that has happend.

during the separation....it has been the hardest thing for me to let go of our home.......it just killed me mentally.....In councelling we tried to figure out what the house represented to me......when I moved there I had planned on living there for the rest of my life.....

now that we may be getting back together......I want to sell and move......to a new area so we can get a new start...
I feel so humiliated to return to our home......
I've writen regarding my feelings and worries towards the neighbours thouhts.........and I do realize that.....it just all feels ruined......nothing is the same......and the only way for us to make it is to start all over......somewhere where.....no one knows us or judges us for what has happend anyways........

In one way this seems crazy.....a form of running away......
And sometimes.....I just still feel confused about what I really want.......I just don't ever want the same things to happen again.
I am staying in my apartment until June.....So I still have time to think things over.......and see if my A really is seriouse about his recovery.........
It is very important to me that I provide the best life for my children. I just now feel......sane.....again.....for the first few months I felt like I had lost my mind.....

Now I feel more like myself again....
I have gone all the way away from him......the whole court process......leaving .....support....and custody.....and now I cave...I just can't seem to completly let go of him.....
I'm not sure exactly what or why.....I hang on....
He has had countless affairs......this has caused me a great deal of pain.......And he has done it........because he could........
sometimes I just feel confused about my motovator......is it....fear..........He has quite drinking......and we are attending councelling........anyway......just needed to bable on today....because I am confused about which direction I want to go.

JT

Sally,

When I am confused about what to do I try not to do anything at all. You can simply say " I am not sure" and give yourself more time.

It is our own illness that makes us accept the unacceptable and you may not be able to sure until you are farther along in your own recovery.

Hugs,
JT

Sally

thanks alot

something you said interested me, you said.....our disease makes us accept the unacceptable......can you explain......in more detail...

You're right.........I feel like Iam not ready to make any decisions right now......I do feel better..since I spent time with my ex......the way we separated just didn't feel right......I felt ......sick....wrong....depressed.....very dark.....unsettled...about the whole decision.


When I left...It was so crazy with the drinking and fighting.....I was so angry...and just plain exhausted.....with his drunken bull.,
He threw my stuff out side the front door. and I picked it up and left......I was determined to get the hell away from him....
I knew I couldn't handle talking to him.....so I blocked him out and didn't talk to him......He tried to get me to come home......but I struggled to stay away.......I went back .....to the house....and by then he was dammed angry and he told me.....Nope...it's too late....get out.....He changed the locks on the house door....and moved another women into the house.
She only lasted a month with him....then she to left..... His drinking was terrible,......binging......aggresive.....foul.... angry.

Now six months later......I'am back in his life........In my home the womens piano and bed rm suite still sits......
Her mail still goes to the house......everything else is gone.....
It's just so crazy........right now ........I am o.k in my apartment......and your right I don't have to make any decisions.

helluvagalnva

Hi ((((((((((((Sally)))))))))))),

I think there's nothing wrong with fresh starts. How long has your husband been in recovery? I wouldn't do anything too hasty!! You said you were for the first time in a long time feeling sane. Doesn't it feel good. Pat yourself on the back!!

You don't have to make any decisions right now. Just enjoy your sanity for now. Have you asked yourself if you really want to go back to the chaos because unless you give it some time I believe that's what you'll be going back too.

Remember our A's tell us anything and everything they think we want to hear. Do you still trust, respect and love your husband?

I know I'm struggling with the trust and respect for my ex-husband. I'm also not living with my husband the A in my life, we've been apart for a little over two years. My husband wants to get back together and I would love to have gotten back together if only he would have shown me that's what he really wanted or wants but honestly even if he did I don't know if I would want to try again. I don't trust or respect him. Does that ever come back? We have three children together. It's hard raising them by myself but easier than dealing with all the other chaos that was in my life.

Do whatever is best for YOU!!!!! You don't have to do anything YOU don't want to do just because you feel guilty or sad for someone else. You didn't cause it , you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Take care of yourself sweetie. I'm thinking of you!!!!

Love,
Galnva

JT

Sally,

In answer to your question all I can reference is my own experience. It seems that I began to lose touch with me and my own wants and needs and only concerned myself with anothers. I allowed myself to be treated in ways that I would never consider now. It is called being codependent. We deny the reality of the situation and contunue to live with it.

And your situation seems to qualify, he threw you out, moved someone else in who left and now he wants you back. Does that about say it? Think about what you WANT in your life. Write it down if you think it will help...does he fit the bill?

If you are fine in your apt...maybe you shouldn't pack up just yet. I never say never, but maybe you need a little more time.

Hugs and prayers
JT

Sally

Thanks all for your answers........I am staying put in my apartment, until June........I have signed a lease......and the main reason is I do not want to pull my kids out of school and move them again.......and I don't Trust the situation.....at all....

I think I feel better because......I have gotten in touch with my ex..and I still have that door open......it's not closed as I thought.
Do I want to return to the Hell of it all..........NEVER.......
I mentally can't handle it anymore...

Although Iam impoverished........getting better financialy)
and have a whole different set of problems that don't make for and easy life.
I never want the Hell that I lived with before.....
Do I trust him..........NO>>>>>>>>>>>>
Do I respect him......NO...............
Do I love him.....yes.......weird I know......I love him in a different way......He has been apart of my life since I was 17.
To completly cut him out of my life......seems hellish to me.....If anything ever happend to him......I'd feel destroyed.
But I have accepted that he lies, cheats, Drinks.....and ......In that way I have no respect for him....or our relationship.....
It will never be......what it was.
I still however have a bond with him....although he's caused me great sorrow and grief........I feel like he's an ally in Life.
someone who really knows me......and that alone in life is something big......
especially when you've gone through such alone ness sorrow....and realized that you really are alone in life.....and only I will live the consequences of my decisions....
Although my relationship isn't completly perfect.....and I don't get everything.....I should from it......is......a problem.......
and I can choose to focus on the negative.....of it.
Or I can pull from it the positive and try to work with that.....Nothiing changes if nothing changes.......thats were the counceling hopefully will help.
I know....theres alot of things that I just will not live with anymore........he has caused me such....humiliation....and there is nothing that can justify what he has done...
I still am confused..about my decision about him......and my councellor said something interesting today.......I told her how terrible things were since I left.....depression, financial ext.....and she said......thats kind of like the alcholic stopping drinking for a few months and then saying well this is my life , without the booze , its not better.........I going to drinking again...
The alcoholic is still suffering the conseqences of the drinking and of course his life isn't better yet....it's still....the alcoholic life...
so I really haven't given my life a chance to get better......yet....
So yes I'll just test the waters for now....and when I make my decision I will be ready to make it......and I'll be clear on it and have closure on it.......
Thanks all........You help me emencely......
About us accepting the unacceptable......thanks and yes I see your point......I believe that , that is a form of deniel.....I often think about how complexed the denial is.....it's so deep and affects everybody....
in some forms I think denial is actually helpful.....they often say, act like you feel better and soon you will....
that's a form of denial......that you work in a positive way...and it helps you....
Crazy and complexed......:o Thanks all