bahookie

No? you're not are you? LOL!
**edit**
Can a mere human frame support those 3 distinct personalities?

prodigal

I heard that in an open A.A. meeting last week. Someone with 33 years of sobriety said he could have asked after he had two heart attacks and his wife got cancer, "Why me?" His response was: "Why not?" No human being is immune from rotten relationships, personal unresolved issues, being stuck at a certain stage of development that keeps them from having healthy relationships, etc., etc.

I thought when I met my AH he was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life. I was madly in love with him. (Read "madly" to mean "crazy.") I didn't know how needy and sick I was until I really started working a program. I have a long way to go, but I'm almost to the point where I will have a good job (two courses to go before I have that bachelor's degree), and I can handle my finances on my own. I'll have that gut-instinct knowledge when it is time to leave the relationship, with the help of my Higher Power.

Yeah, I still revert to occasionally asking "Why me?" and at times he can irritate and annoy me (at that point I leave his space to go occupy my own). I just don't waste my valuable time attempting to have any discussions regarding marital issues, emotional issues, whatever .... Why bother trying to discuss such things with someone who is incapable of grasping them? I stick to superficial stuff - daily events, politics, things going on at work. That's all he has to give, so that's what I get. I finally got the picture that I was trying to squeeze blood out of a rock, which was just making me crazier than I already am!

Tally

Why me? Why not me?

Aye, I totally agree with you, why not me?!

Because sometimes it feels like a punishment, to feel this bad, to worry so much, to have so much responsibility, to love someone so much who's completely fxxked up and can't be helped.

I know all to well I can't help him, I can't control it and I can't make him change or make him see.....that still doesn't make it any less frustrating sometimes.

Like most people here I was brought up to care about people and to be compassionate and try to help....It's hard trying not to enable, not to worry, not to feel bad if I'm upset, not to love...

So if I want to dive into the "self pity pool" occasionally then I see that as my perogative, if I want to imagine how good it would be NOT to have any responsibilities then I can dream can't I?!

I'd MUCH rather be me than him...anyday. But sometimes I don't want to be me, even if it's just for a few days....

Most of the time I'm strong, dealing with everything, getting on with the jobs in hand. But just sometimes I want to have some fun. I want to forget I'm a mum, I'm a girlfriend, I have responsibilities...I wanna forget that the dishes need doing, the tea needs putting on, the cats need feeding...
Sometimes I wanna be somewhere warm and pretty...on a veranda overlooking beautiful scenery, sitting in a big comfy chair, totally alone, with a good book. No hassles, no mood swings, no bad atmosphere....

I'm learning to detatch slowly but it's hard letting go of my idealisms.

As for the soulmate thing....when he's not "drunk" he's the lovliest, warmest, funniest man.
We click...like I've never clicked with anyone before....he knows me inside out, I can finish his sentances for him....I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin with anyone before and he feels the same about me....when he's not drunk.
I can't simply forget about these things, I can't see him ONLY as an addict and nothing more. So is he my soulmate? Damn right he is! He might be lost in a haze but he's still in there somewhere.....I might well be fighting a losing battle....maybe I'm just not ready to give up hope yet....even if I should be.

TomsGirl

Some addicts will never stop feeding the addiction and release their hold on the "real person" they control. Continuing to love the addict when the "real person" is long lost is like loving the shark that has swallowed your loved one whole.

Of course, for me, this only applies to SO's. If it's a child, parent, or sibling I could never stop loving them. I sure can hate what they've become but I could never fall out of love with them.

elizabeth1979

Thats awesome, Ive never heard that before, but so true!

Five

The shark anology is interesting.

GettingBy

I know for me, when I first started my recovery... my point of view was, "I do everything. He does nothing." The reality of that situation (which I couldn't see at the time) was that the "I do everything" was partly by my own choices/decisions/actions, and partly a function of my perception of the situation.

I stayed then because I knew I didn't have my head on straight enough to make any sound decisions. Now that I have some recovery, I stay because I am aware of how my own sick thinking can't easily distort my "realities."

My husband does alot around the house to help out. He picks up the slack when I'm "not in the mood." We are a good team together. HOWEVER, when I get in a "woe is me" mood, it's so easy for me to "forget" all of the good things he has done and turn to him and say, "You're ALWAYS at the bar, and you NEVER do anything around the house." Those statements simply aren't true. I may feel that way, but feelings aren't facts.

Anyways... that's my 2 cents!
:-) Shannon