When We Are Feeling Uncomfortable
Acting not reacting
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Join Date: Jun 2004
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When We Are Feeling Uncomfortable
Feeling Uncomfortable
When we feel uncomfortable, it is a sign something is wrong. The sooner we acknowledge this feeling, and either take action or communicate the feeling, or both, the sooner we can feel comfortable again. Telling people when we don't feel comfortable, by the way, is one quick way to find out who respects our feelings. If they do respect our feelings, and thereby respect us as individuals, then we won't need to tell them a second time. Nor will we even need to give them an explanation.
<TABLE cellSpacing=1 cellPadding=10 bgColor=#f0f0f0 border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>Excerpt from my 1996 book When you feel uncomfortable, you often actually feel it in your body, usually your stomach. Thus the term "gut instincts." Your body is trying to tell you to watch out, be careful, or to take some action to get out of a situation. When you feel uncomfortable, use your upper brain to analyze the situation. Determine what is making you feel uncomfortable. Chances are there are several specific negative feelings. Identifying them helps you determine what action is necessary.
Sometimes you need to take unilateral action. Sometimes your action must involve others. Since many people will manipulate you (if you let them) into situations where you feel uncomfortable, you must express your feelings. Let them know with a simple, honest, clear, and direct statement. For example, just say, "I don't feel comfortable about this." This helps you set your boundaries and helps you see who respects them and who does not. Either way, it is better to know the reality of the situation.
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EQ For Everybody, by Steve Hein
http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm
When we feel uncomfortable, it is a sign something is wrong. The sooner we acknowledge this feeling, and either take action or communicate the feeling, or both, the sooner we can feel comfortable again. Telling people when we don't feel comfortable, by the way, is one quick way to find out who respects our feelings. If they do respect our feelings, and thereby respect us as individuals, then we won't need to tell them a second time. Nor will we even need to give them an explanation.
<TABLE cellSpacing=1 cellPadding=10 bgColor=#f0f0f0 border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>Excerpt from my 1996 book When you feel uncomfortable, you often actually feel it in your body, usually your stomach. Thus the term "gut instincts." Your body is trying to tell you to watch out, be careful, or to take some action to get out of a situation. When you feel uncomfortable, use your upper brain to analyze the situation. Determine what is making you feel uncomfortable. Chances are there are several specific negative feelings. Identifying them helps you determine what action is necessary.
Sometimes you need to take unilateral action. Sometimes your action must involve others. Since many people will manipulate you (if you let them) into situations where you feel uncomfortable, you must express your feelings. Let them know with a simple, honest, clear, and direct statement. For example, just say, "I don't feel comfortable about this." This helps you set your boundaries and helps you see who respects them and who does not. Either way, it is better to know the reality of the situation.
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EQ For Everybody, by Steve Hein
http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Thanks Elizabeth, this was a good reading for me.
I'm not good at expressing feelings of discomfort.
And when I have in the past, I've often gotten bad reactions.
This is especially difficult when it's someone's behavior that is making me uncomfortable.
I generally wait until something gets out of hand before I confront it.
That doesn't usually work well.
And let's face it, people don't like being told that their behavior is making us uncomfortable.
But this is what boundaries are all about.
When a person is acting inappropriately, thereby crossing the boundaries of appropriate behavior, it's time to tell them that what they are doing is making you uncomfortable.
They might not cop to their inappropriate behavior.
They may even lie about it.
That is not for us to deal with.
Our part in it is expressing our "discomfort level".
I'm not good at expressing feelings of discomfort.
And when I have in the past, I've often gotten bad reactions.
This is especially difficult when it's someone's behavior that is making me uncomfortable.
I generally wait until something gets out of hand before I confront it.
That doesn't usually work well.
And let's face it, people don't like being told that their behavior is making us uncomfortable.
But this is what boundaries are all about.
When a person is acting inappropriately, thereby crossing the boundaries of appropriate behavior, it's time to tell them that what they are doing is making you uncomfortable.
They might not cop to their inappropriate behavior.
They may even lie about it.
That is not for us to deal with.
Our part in it is expressing our "discomfort level".
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
OK... but I have a flip side to this one.
Lets talk to about taking the next right action/step even though we are uncomfortable with it.
My example is ... Im a codie, The current relationship Im in is what Im hoping is a healthy relationship..(I know it is, and watch for the red flags all the time). but many times I will talk about things with my sponsor and have to ask... is this normal, cuz it certainly does not feel normal/comfortable to me. Only to be told that yes it is how things should be in a healthy relationship...
SO my question being it is also true that my Normal/Comfortable is perhaps scewed cuz of my messed up though process sometimes.
OK... I dont think Im getting across what I wanted to .. but hope your reading my mind.
Lets talk to about taking the next right action/step even though we are uncomfortable with it.
My example is ... Im a codie, The current relationship Im in is what Im hoping is a healthy relationship..(I know it is, and watch for the red flags all the time). but many times I will talk about things with my sponsor and have to ask... is this normal, cuz it certainly does not feel normal/comfortable to me. Only to be told that yes it is how things should be in a healthy relationship...
SO my question being it is also true that my Normal/Comfortable is perhaps scewed cuz of my messed up though process sometimes.
OK... I dont think Im getting across what I wanted to .. but hope your reading my mind.
Acting not reacting
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Join Date: Jun 2004
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Originally Posted by Cynay
SO my question being it is also true that my Normal/Comfortable is perhaps scewed cuz of my messed up though process sometimes.
My therapist had a ball with that one.
Its clearly not, but I think I see what you are saying.
Our part in it is expressing our "discomfort level".
Yes I concur. I too have had particularly difficult emotions that surface when I express my discomfort level. Lots of I shouldnt be complaining, Im being selfish, and those kind of thoughts swim around in my head.
I will need to work on that, one day at a time.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
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Hi Cynay! Yeah it makes sense, I think that's where this part comes in. Sometimes the discomfort doesn't always actually come from the "suspected target" so here it is from Elizabeth's post up there, the part I'm talking about -
"When you feel uncomfortable, use your upper brain to analyze the situation. Determine what is making you feel uncomfortable. Chances are there are several specific negative feelings. Identifying them helps you determine what action is necessary."
the counselor can perhaps help you do this :-) I struggle with this myself. Not a new relationship but the whole "is it me or is it them or this or that" things. And then another aspect too - when I made a big decision and took a big step this summer it didn't feel comfortable no, but in that case i think it was right anyway.
love Cloudy
"When you feel uncomfortable, use your upper brain to analyze the situation. Determine what is making you feel uncomfortable. Chances are there are several specific negative feelings. Identifying them helps you determine what action is necessary."
the counselor can perhaps help you do this :-) I struggle with this myself. Not a new relationship but the whole "is it me or is it them or this or that" things. And then another aspect too - when I made a big decision and took a big step this summer it didn't feel comfortable no, but in that case i think it was right anyway.
love Cloudy
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Oh great Cy, now I'm REALLY thinking.
Yep, I'm with you and Elizabeth on this.
I "thought" I was more than comfortable with tolerating uncomfortable behavior.
But really, I wasn't.
There was some voice inside of me screaming "why are you putting up with this BS?"
I just wasn't listening to it.
I got real good at not listening to it.
That voice has it's purpose in my life.
I still have a tendency to let things go on way longer than I should, as I said in my previous post.
That is a product of "magical thinking" (as in, maybe this will just clear up all by itself) and a product of my fear of confrontation.
When I put both of those things aside...well that's when I tackle things head on...like I should.
Yep, I'm with you and Elizabeth on this.
I "thought" I was more than comfortable with tolerating uncomfortable behavior.
But really, I wasn't.
There was some voice inside of me screaming "why are you putting up with this BS?"
I just wasn't listening to it.
I got real good at not listening to it.
That voice has it's purpose in my life.
I still have a tendency to let things go on way longer than I should, as I said in my previous post.
That is a product of "magical thinking" (as in, maybe this will just clear up all by itself) and a product of my fear of confrontation.
When I put both of those things aside...well that's when I tackle things head on...like I should.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
That is what Im talking about.
It is VERY uncomfortable for me to not help another person... and if I love that person its UNTHINKABLE (or use to be) for me to keep my mouth shut, let them make decisions that were harmful (even if only I saw them that way, and I was not always right) Let them follow the destructive road they might choose.
I was VERY comfortable taking care of everything... I felt needed, wanted and the hero, and there is an amazing high that comes from hearing someone I love saying..... I could/would never have been able ...... without you. Yep I know its sick thinking and I work on it day by day.... but I cant always trust my gut feelings... and I cant always trust that its not healthy because its uncomfortable.
Being focused on me (selfish is not a good word for me) is not comfortable or fun for me.. it gives me the feeling that Im not being a good enough ...... (insert Mom, SO, friend)
I can see/feel the benefits of taking the focus off others and putting it back on me, the last year is proof of how well it work when I dont try to take control of everything and let others work their own life... I cant tell you how much my life has changed and improved... but I have to say if it were not for God, my sponsor, good friends, SO and SR... Im not so sure my old thought process would not have kept me in that pattern for much longer.
It is VERY uncomfortable for me to not help another person... and if I love that person its UNTHINKABLE (or use to be) for me to keep my mouth shut, let them make decisions that were harmful (even if only I saw them that way, and I was not always right) Let them follow the destructive road they might choose.
I was VERY comfortable taking care of everything... I felt needed, wanted and the hero, and there is an amazing high that comes from hearing someone I love saying..... I could/would never have been able ...... without you. Yep I know its sick thinking and I work on it day by day.... but I cant always trust my gut feelings... and I cant always trust that its not healthy because its uncomfortable.
Being focused on me (selfish is not a good word for me) is not comfortable or fun for me.. it gives me the feeling that Im not being a good enough ...... (insert Mom, SO, friend)
I can see/feel the benefits of taking the focus off others and putting it back on me, the last year is proof of how well it work when I dont try to take control of everything and let others work their own life... I cant tell you how much my life has changed and improved... but I have to say if it were not for God, my sponsor, good friends, SO and SR... Im not so sure my old thought process would not have kept me in that pattern for much longer.
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