goffredo

Dear All

My addict/alcoholic partner has 4 months of recovery and I, the codie have about 6. i thought we were getting better, slowly doing little steps, me working my programme, her working hers.
This weekend all the insanity came back. We had an argument which escalated in a whole weekend of tears, sadness, confusion. She said we were not doing that well and that she would rather be on her own than dealing with a relationship. She couldn't deal anymore with the emotional stuff, my insecurities, the arguments, the continuing questioning from me and wanted it over. I went into total despair, shouting and screaming, then calming down, then talking to her about all the progress and how difficult recovery is (hers and MINE!) Then I stopped talking and went into the silent mode, almost hypnotised by the pain in thinking: this is over, god I've been so pathetic and desperate, it wasn't going as well as I thought. and then the abadonment feeling, the sadness and the shame of having screamed, cried, sat on the floor sobbing, slamming doors. Then she goes to bed for the whole afternoon, wakes up and says she loves me and of course she wants to be with me and said it was over because she was angry and I wouldn't stop talking. She asked me to lighten up! i said I couldn't be cheerful after being told it was over, definitely over, and then hearing it was all fine as if I dreamt it all! she then said, ok fine it's over, you're right, love is not enough, we don't work together. Me: crying, despair again although not losing control. Then again: i love you and I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This went on for the whole weekend! I am going mad! Is this alcoholic behaviour or what? Maybe she wants to leave me but feels sorry for me? How can i believe her when she says she loves me and then says it's over and so on?

I think I'm going mad!!!!!!!!!!! thank you for reading. Any experience?

Love Jo. God grant me the serenity...

ASpouse

Do you have a sponsor you can talk to? I wouldn't be hard on myself, the first year when two people are recovering is very difficult.

cwohio

i agree with judy - from what i've read (having never experienced it myself) after an alcoholic begins recovery all sorts of emotions that were, prior to recovery, numbed by alcohol, have to be dealt with sober. both of you are still in the infancy of recovery. sounds like you both are still in a reactive mode and the old behaviors are kicking in.

goffredo

Thank you for your advice and I know you're right. No, I don't have a sponsor yet although I do go to Alanon meetings and read the Alanon literature as well as this fantastic website. I hope to get more feedbacks

Let go and let god

FriendofBill

You both are in extreme emotions right now. Thats what first year reocvery does. She is just learning to actually FEEL her feelings, instead of numbing them. It is like being hit with a tidal wave, it is overwhelming to say the least. Her natural reaction is to do away with the pressure and ending the relationship is the easiet way to do that.

In order to deal with all these ups and downs, we, the codies, have to work OUR program to its fullest extent. For me, meetings and reading wasnt enough. Sponsor, doing service, helping others in al-anon and working the steps was the obly solution.

As long as your happiness is tied to her, you will never be happy. I urge you to get a sponsor and start healing....you;ll be surprised how much better the relationship heals, once you heal.

cwohio

learning to detach from the "stuff" that is said, was a very tough thing for me. that's where, as judy suggested, a sponsor or a call list can come in handy. instead of getting back into the same cycle of being sucked in to arguments, it's helpful to have someone else to talk to as a sounding board and to let off steam with.

robina

These kind of emotional meltdowns are common in early recovery. I agree with the advice above. Working your program will help to keep you calm and centered emotionally when things get chaotic and difficult... (and things will be chaotic from time to time).

This is also helpful because when you are working your program, you are no longer in a reactive mode (always reacting to the other person). It gives you a lot more control over your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions.

It works for me, most of the time.