CarolD

Here is what I felt at the end of my drinking...,20 years ago.

Saturated. My brain and my soul were simply saturated.

My ethics were askew had I kept God away with a alcoholic shield.

3 stays in mental hospitals for depression and 3 suicide attempts and Still I drank.

No one could convince me to stop...my brain was in active addiction.

My bottom was being fired.
A small gleam of self respect lit up.
I was at an AA meeting at noon.
I finally quit drinking 4 years later.

Since then...I reconnected with God...stuck with AA and have not had to live in that cold black hole.

Thanks for letting me share.

nutz

It's an abyss.

If you saw Finding Nemo. The film has many references to alcoholism,
co-dependcy. Or the film has base on principles and symtoms
Anywhere from lost of memories.
Was she born like that ? Don't know...can't remember.lol

Also following something to the depth of the dark deep.
Delusional with the light (which is actaully danger).
Yet, if an alcoholic servive the depth of hell/bottom,
one get awaken. Not cure but recognition.

Being abstance from mind ultering, mood changing substance
alone dose not solve the alcoholic's delima.
It is actaully painful, this is beyound the pyhsical withdraw.
Life is painful, just to wake up sometimes is painful.
Life on life's terms is a pain. And not everybody plays by the rules.
Yes, we all know anout the rules..but dose adults live by them.
In other words...it's like me expecting you to comprehend chinese,
when you don't have a clue. Which is fustrating. Yet one feels
it's half BS. When dealing with society.

Most addicts/alcoholics did not grow up in a healty environment.
Money in the bank, a big house with a pool and material success
did not equal love to me. It's a misconception by most peaple.
A HOME ???
Eye candi on the outside and f$$k up on the inside.

Nature was the key piont for my recovery. Away from mankind/pressure.
There I was able to seperate realality from society.
Life on life's terms is not mankind.
A starting point of breaking down my mental/traits/habits/belief systems.
I can't change the world. If god willing, I can try to change me
or get healthy.

The drinking, drug, gambling, workaholic, over eating..etc
are just the symtoms of the really, really deep issues.
These addiction abuse just amplifies what an alcoholic is.

Even with decades of recovery. I havn't been cure.
It takes extra work on my part. I can't just live a normal life.
Yet recovery/ the program had giving so many tools I can use.
Like...I know there's a lot worst thing that happen to me than being an alki.
Graditute is a weapon to combat my dis-ease...like depression,self pity.
I'm not responsiable for my dis-ease, I'm reponsiable for my recovery.

I can't just go to work and come home and rest.
I still suffer from complusive obsessive/ perfectionism
behaviors to name a few.
It is not what I do. The obsession affects everything in my life.
my job, relationship, recovery, hobbi...etc.
Healty activitive can trun un-healhty...this is when I'm clean and sober.
It sucks !! I can't just do sum'in without really, really getting into it.
I recognize it. Never the less, I'm not crue.
I pray, god I pray.

Yet, if you see me walking down the street. I will look or act.
very normal to you. I also have to be very careful.
Some are sicker than others. Mmmmm...did i say , i've been in recovery
for a while. I have tools or learn how live healthy than most
normal peaple. I have too. I'm an alcoholic.
Like lying...I feel it all over my body if I ly. I can't afford that today,
It makes me sick, very, very sick. And i can't afford to drink or use
today. I've been to the depth of hell. If i return, It gets deeper/worst.

Zoey

nutz.. Hi.. WOW! Thank you so much for this info.