TomsGirl

Well then I guess I'm guilty of being over sensitive because lately it seems like no matter what I post you are all over it like flies on crap.

And what would being "hopping mad" get me besides elevated blood pressure, an upset stomach, and a real ugly expression on my face. I've played the anger card in the past with my husband. Doesn't work.

I was only upset with the court system by how they were treating me and that there was a possiblity that they would release him without getting any statement from me as I wanted him sent away. I also hope that he stays in rehab for the entire 7 months. I doubt he will just because of the need for beds but I hope his time there is closer to the 7 months than 3 1/2. And yes, there most certainly will be times, occasions where I will be pissed that he's not here with me because of the sucky decisions he's made and I'll feel I have every right to be pissed and I'll probably come here to SR and vent when I am. Stay tuned for those posts.

Yes, that was something we discussed yesterday. The degrading process of having to be strip searched has made a big impression on him. He admitted that when you go into prison you must leave all your pride at the door along with your freedom.
Me too! I must admit, it never ceases to amaze me what an A will put themselves through in their never ending quest to "feed the need". If only that dogged determination could be directed towards their recovery. I have left his recovery to him and God.
My "sake" is not a part of this. And yes, when I spoke of "ebb" I was referring to relapse. And if the day comes where I can no longer wait for the tide to come in then I'll give it up and not one moment before.

Good Judy, then it would appear you and I do agree on something. Took me a while to get to this point but I'm there and it feels damn good! I hope you feel as good about yourself as I feel about myself in getting there. I'm sure I don't have to tell you and a lot of others on this board that the getting there was one hell of a ride. We each get there in our own way but to me, the most important thing is that we get there.

As I said in my PM to you we share a horrid thing in common. I'd much prefer that it just be our mutual love of dogs that we share but that's not what is.

Thanks

ASpouse

Yes you are too sensitive. As I said, this is not about you or your husband. Just trying to give folks a different perspective.

If your way works for you, then by all means do it! Me, I've done it your way, most of the folks in my Al Anon group have done it your way, my sponsee's have tried to do it your way and it simply didn't work. I really hope it does work for you!

The key to your happiness & peace of mind is not in your husbands recovery but in your own.

FormerDoormat

Evening TG:

In fairness to ASpouse, this was the same response I had when I read your post. I, too, would not be laughing if I were in the same position that you found yourself in yesterday--visiting my alcoholic partner in jail. I would find his attempts at levity yet another manipulation in an effort to deflect the true nature and seriousness of the situation--that he's made a mess of his life and yours, too, and now he's landed himself in jail. He's in serious trouble with his addiction, and now he's in serious trouble with the law.

I don't buy that being strip-searched had any impression on him at all. That's no more embarrassing that finding yourself in yet another drunk. Or waking up from yet another blackout and not knowing where the heck you are. Nor do I buy that jail time or court-ordered rehab will improve his chances of getting sober. If you don't believe me, why don't you hop on over the the AA forum and ask the folks there how many of them got sober as a result of court-ordered rehab? I'll bet you'll find few who got sober that way. More likely, you'll find none.

The reality of the situation is your boyfriend won't change until HE'S ready to change.

I think you came down too hard on ASpouse. She didn't seem overly critical to me. She was just sharing her experiences. You can take what you want and leave the rest, but others might find her experience helpful.

TomsGirl

"My way" ... ok, I think I get it. I think. I'm setting myself up for hurt because I can still show my love and enjoy some things with my husband even though he hasn't gained any real recovery yet. Is that it? I shouldn't show any happiness around him? I should just be pissed or at the very least, totally unemotional one way or the other? Don't I at least get any credit for being pissed that he wasn't dead yet after two days gone to "end it all" and walking away even though I knew he was killing himself? That was pretty harsh. But then again I did call that ER doctor and tip him off to the antifreeze. But if I hadn't I'm quite positive that my husband would have surely died. But if he had then I wouldn't have an A in my life anymore and all that drama that goes with it, and I'd be doing all my posting on the Suicide Discussion board instead of here. And I'd be visiting the cemetary instead of the county jail. And all those tissues I made sure I had on me certainly would have ended up being used for tears of sadness rather than tears from laughter.
Maybe I'm wrong, probably am, but I never thought believing that "where there is life, there is hope" was bad for me and my recovery. Well, if there are "lumps" in my future that I'll have to take I'll make sure I take them without complaint. My choices, my consequences.

Thanks

FormerDoormat

Nothing wrong with showing your love for someone--ever. And nothing wrong with enjoying time spent with your loved one, either. Just be aware that it's human nature to joke about things when you know you've really "F-ed" up (but you're not ready to admit it or fix it) in order to keep the conversation from heading in a direction you don't want to go.

Call it whatever you want. I call it denial. It's just sad. It's a sad, sad situation.

TomsGirl

I give up. Good night

Just read your post FD after I posted this. In fairness to my husband I am the one who got the conversation off on a light note. Maybe it was because I felt relief that the whole visiting experience for me wasn't as horrendous as I imagined it would be. I'll admit, I was scared. And also, at one point in the conversation where I started to tear up I told him that he wasn't alone in his cell. That there were many there that loved him. His grandmother, his best friend that died tragically at the age of 13, and my father who even though he didn't know him ever was there because I asked him to be. My husband got emotional himself at what I said and I found out why when I spoke with him tonight. The previous night (the night before my visit) he had a dream and the people in it were his grandmother, his best friend, and a man who lead him through his dream whose face he couldn't see and whose voice he didn't recognize. Coincidence? No, I believe it's the HP. And I also believe my HP has been with me for every decision and choice I've made through all this. Some choices I've made have bitten me in the butt that's for sure but I've learned from it and each mistake has changed me for the better. I know I'll make more mistakes but I also know I'll learn from them and continue to improve. When all is said and done my husband may never, ever find a lasting sobiety for himself. But I know that everything I experience and learn will give me the smarts and resolve to know when there just is no longer any hope for his recovery. But my recovery will never stop. I've learned to love and care for myself too much to ever let it stop.

Now, I will say Good Night again and I will go to bed! Thanks

ASpouse

To me, it sounds as if you're sending him mixed signals and you sound confused as to what to do also ....... many of us have been there, many still are.

Thank you FDM ..... you said quite well what I was trying to get across in as few words as possible. (blush)!

TomsGirl

Judy, FD, I owe you both an apology. I may be blonde but sometime I sure can be dumb! I get it now what you've both been trying to say and you did say it Judy but I couldn't or wouldn't get it. Yes, his attitude may very well be a reflection of what's to come. In other words he'll do his time, attend his rehab, and then come home and pick up right where he left off. And you're concerned, for me, that some of my reactions to him at this time will end up hurting me in the end. Dashed hopes, kicked in the teeth again, that sort of thing. I know that as long as I choose to remain with him the possibility of the dissappointment will always be there. When he talked about the early release a red flag did go up for me. Not even there yet and you're already planning on when you're gonna get out sort of thing. Yes, that part of the visit to me was one of the lower points of it. But I know that when he gets out he'll have probation for not only his first dui but for his second one too. And just like this time, if he cheats he'll eventually get caught and I won't feel badly for him if he does because he'll know what the penalty will be (no rehab next time) and he won't be walking into a place that's foreign to him.

We talk about "rock bottom" here and maybe my husband's bottom is death. But I don't sit here waiting for the other shoe to drop. Another recommendation that I've gotten from my weekly group counselor. But as the type of person I know I am I can still smile even during the worst of times because I do know that I'm not the one who'll have to pay the piper in the end, he will.

As for sending mixed signals, well I believe that my husband will never ever get recovery until he learns to believe that he's worth more than dirt. And I want him to know that his just "being" has made a difference to many people in his life. If my husband were dying of a terminal disease I'd be applauded for my upbeat spirits. Well, if my husband doesn't find his recovery then I know the drinking will kill him. Don't take my happiness as blind optimism. It's hard when all we have are these pc screens between us.

Thanks

ASpouse

It's a hurtful and painful realization to come to. TG, you can't make the comparison between a person with a terminal illness and a person suffering from alcoholism.

A terminal illness is not of someones choosing or making, alcoholism is.

I know with my husband he didn't care who loved him, who thought he was great! His only concern was getting high and drinking. It sounds as if you are trying to make this disease make sense to you, you can't. It's a disease that carries no rhyme or reason, it is non-sensical. This is why we, as enablers and co-dependents need to learn to detach. It does not mean that we are cruel or heartless, it means detaching.

Recovery for your husband and for you means being quite selfish ........ you need to get to the other extreme or the other end of the spectrum (both of you individually) before you can meet in the middle of happy ground.

It takes time ....... we are going on 3 years and have just within the last 4 months have arrived at that "middle ground" where we can talk and compromise. It's hard, but well worth it if you can get there.

TomsGirl

Thanks Judy. Being selfish is not something I'm very good at but then again maybe in my case I have to give it a new, not so negative definition in my mind. As for my husband being selfish is sure gonna be a tough thing for him. But then that gets back to the whole self-esteem issue with him. If he can start to build on that then perhaps being selfish and centered on his recovery will be easier for him. He just doesn't seem to give a damn about himself but I do. Ah! Lightbulb moment! We've got to modify that last sentence to be "He gives a damn about himself but I don't, I only give a damn about me." Yes, might sound harsh in when it's so simply put but it's not really. I get it. Now, we each just have to work on putting it to practice.

Thanks!

ASpouse

It only sounds harsh because you're not used to saying it or living it. It's a difficult balancing act.

You need to focus on you and not on him. What I want to see is a thread from you sometime in the future that tells about YOU and YOUR recovery. I don't want to see a mention of HIS recovery and how he's doing.

If he doesn't recover then he will be stuck where is. On the other hand, as you recover you will be a better, stronger person, with a new understanding of yourself. It doesn't matter if he likes himself or not, that is for him to work out. He may include you in the process, but again he may not. That is OK too.

I know that my husband has issues, I've analyzed and psychoanalyzed all of them all from the comfort of my recliner in my living room. I've realized they are his personal issues and just because we are married it does not mean he needs to share them with me. If he shares them someone besides me I am OK with that and he is actually doing me a favor. I know he & his sponsor share many things that he simply cannot share with me and I don't take it personally. I'm getting off on a tangent so Take Care and I really do hope it all works out.

Cynay

I just have to give my 2 cents here alittle bit.

I dont think its a matter of completely detaching.... but being he is in jail, he is going to do the talking... just dont get so caught up in his talk... its hopeful thinking and GOD KNOWS Im one of those people that hopes on a thread... But till the time comes when he can REALLY show you the walk, I would not pend my hopes and dreams on it.

When he gets out of Jail, has more freedom to make his choices is when the walk comes into play.... I hope he is sincere but you cant lay your life on that one.

Im glad you had a good visit. Im also a person that will use humor to get me through the pain so I can understand that one. Please take the focus off him though and put it on you.

This is a GREAT time for you to work your recover, think about life without your A in it... and work from that angle. If he comes through this and wants to join in what your building ... so much the better, but this is your life and you only get one shot... make it count and make sure your in a healthier position. I would like someday to see that post about your recovery toooooo!

pmaslan

Tom's Girl ....I really agree with Cynay.
Her last paragraph made all the sense in the world to me.
I hope you can see that too....
Hugs

EndOfRoadWife

I don't think you are overly sensitive, Tom's Girl...I also wouldn't over analyze laughing..I laugh when I'm scared, nervous, happy, sometimes even mad...Most people in my everyday life usually see me with a smile on my face, in fact...I'm glad your husband is there..This will give him a lot of time to reflect..In the meantime, hang in there girl!!

ASpouse

EoRW ........ when I said TG was being overly sensitive, it was to my postings, not the situation. Just wanted to clarify.

TomsGirl

Well, I am enjoying this time without him ... except that I miss his cooking. I hate to cook!!!! And I don't feel badly about using the word "enjoy". It's like his being where I know he can't do any drinking, even if he wanted too, makes it easy for me at this time to pay no mind to his addiction and the longer he's gone the more time I'll have to make that behavior in me, not worrying ... thinking about it, a behavior I will continue with after he's released. Reversing the whole process in my mind is how I look at it. It took time for his addiction to become my main point of concern in life and conversly, it will take time for me to reverse that. I'll be honest, every time in the past when he's been released from rehab it was before I was ready. I always wanted more time. So now, that I'll have months of time, instead of just days I'll make sure I take advantage. Yes, to look at it in a broad sense it's a not so good situation. Hell, my husband is in jail. Not something to brag about. But I've always said "Everything happens for the best" and tried to find something positive in every bad experience. The positive thing here, for me, is that I'm getting that extra time I always wished I had gotten before. Time to think about and work on me. And another good thing has come from all this. In this time alone with just me and my son I have come to realize that I have not given my son enough of me. With my husband not around my son feels free to speak with me more and we've had some good long talks. My son has issues that he's kept to himself because he didn't want to dump more on me. I will give him more of me and I vow to continue too do so even after my husband returns. It's funny, I asked my son if he wanted to attend some of those baseball games with me. He said "Ya, sure, if you want me too". With that teenager sort of face, ya know? lol Well, I know he'll enjoy the hotdogs and cotton candy anyway.

ASpouse

Now that sounds like a fun time! I hope you both enjoy those games and make it a family tradition between mother & son!

EndOfRoadWife

ASpouse- I was talking about the same thing

ASpouse

Oh! Boy, we enablers are such sensitive people aren't we?

EndOfRoadWife

You may be right there