doveyloulou

Hi, this is my first time here and I am just emotionally torn to shreads. My husband talked me out of divorcing him by promising everything under the sun, crying, "I will stop drinking". I feel like an idiot for staying because after a month it meant nothing and we are back to the same old thing. Now he won't stop drinking once he starts - mostly on weekends. He can never have just a couple of beers, its a 12 pack and a few 40 oz bottles, etc. just beer. I work 2 nights a week one night being Sunday, EVERY Sunday I have to go to work he is drunk and there is a huge fight. I am getting to where I feel physically sick when I have to go to work and have to deal with him and his drunkenness. Usually when I work on a weeknight things are better because he has to go to work in the morning. I get so tired of killing myself trying to keep our family together. I have not been to Alanon because I don't feel like I should have to learn how to live with an alcoholic. I am starting to hate him for doing this to me and not caring about how this is effecting our family. I can't let myself completely love him anymore because he hurts me emotionally on a weekly basis with the drinking - I feel that if he loved me he would see what this is doing - especially since he doesn't drink on a daily basis (say every other day and all weekend). I am afraid to leave because at least what I have I "know" and I don't want to separate my girls from their father and overturning their lives but the older they get the more they will realize what's going on and I can't in my heart of hearts do that to them. I want them to learn that life is fun without the false high alcohol. My husband always makes me feel like I am blowing everything out of proportion and that I'm just uptight and turns things around and calls me names and swears at me in front of the girls like it is my fault he is drunk and I should just accept it. How long until I am so sick of it I finally leave??? When do you cross that line??

jojo

You don't have to learn to live with an alcoholic. That is a choice that you are certainly entitled to make. If you no longer love him and want to take your kids and go or ask him to leave, then that is what you should do. Sometimes learning about the disease and how you deal with it can change your feelings about that person. Alanon or a place like this can help you find your way to better life with the addict or help you find your way out the door.

Reading your post tied a knot in my stomach because I remember just how hard it is to live like you are. I'm glad you found us. There are alot of helpful people here that you can learn alot from. Read other posts and check out the "stickies" at the top of the page. Stick around and join us. You've just made your first big step and you will be glad that you did.

Hugs, Jo

doubletime

Hello, doveyloulou welcome and you will find this site very helpful, understanding and encouraging. You ask when do you cross that line, it is different for each person, some decide to stay and disengage or some leave. You have to do what is best for you and your children. Yes they will be affected and yes they will ask questions, just be truthful and gentle. Most of all take care of yourself. Check for Alanon meetings and most also have alateen meetings also. Hope this is helpful and remember to post and vent there are lots of caring, understanding and insiteful people on this site.





Doubletime

TomsGirl

Hi Dovey, and welcome to SR! It's a great place with lots of people who understand just what you're going through. Give Al Anon a try or some other sort of support group for those who are touched by addicts that's in your area. Al Anon isn't just for those that want to learn how to live with an A. It also helps you to help yourself so that you can seperate from the maddness that an A lives with and the strength and knowledge you gain can not only be used to help one live with an A but also how to leave an A. You said you have kids so even if you were to leave him your children will always be the tie that binds you to an A. I know lots of divorced people who still attend Al Anon because the A parent is still part of their childrens' lives.

Again welcome, read the stickies at the top, and keep coming back.

mallowcup

I have found myself trying to work around my husbands drinking. I know what it's like to go to work with a knot in your stomach. It has hurt my feelings so many times when I get to work and other husbands call to say good night to their wives or come over to have dinner with them in the caferteria. I work all shifts at the hospital. I make my own schedule, it's nice but necessary when you are married to someone who drinks. Just let him drink, you cant stop him. I was making myself sick trying to figure out if I work days, he'll drink during the day and be home at night. If I work 3-11pm, he will be out until just before I get home. If I work nights, he will be passed out by then, but nights are so hard for me. Half the time you can't wait to go to work and half the time you are crying because you have to go to work. Youdon;t want to learn to live with an alcoholic but you aren't willing to let him go, This is just going to lead to more tears. Youcan always come here, but maybe Al-anon isn't what you think it is. Why not try one meeting to see if it helps and brings clarity?

ritabee

My husband talked me out of divorcing him by promising everything under the sun, crying, "I will stop drinking". I feel like an idiot for staying because after a month it meant nothing and we are back to the same old thing.

When your husband promised you this I'm sure that's the life he wants for himself too. However he is unable to do this without help. And even though there is lots of help out there, they are too sick to reason this out and don't want to hear it, especially from you.

I have not been to Alanon because I don't feel like I should have to learn how to live with an alcoholic. I am starting to hate him for doing this to me and not caring about how this is effecting our family. I can't let myself completely love him anymore because he hurts me emotionally on a weekly basis with the drinking - I feel that if he loved me he would see what this is doing.

I felt that way about Al-Anon for about a year. Then one night I was so fed up that I just got in the car and drove to a meeting. I walked into a room full of people that knew EXACTLY what I was feeling. I have been to 6 meetings in the last 3 weeks and I have no plans to stop going. I go to 3 different groups and they are totally different from each other. But...everyone has been through what I am going through. Some have left their spouses, some have stayed. Some of the A's have recovered, some have not. The majority of Al-anon members say that when THEY changed their attitudes the alcoholic's attitude soon followed and things became a lot better.

You will learn that alcoholism is a disease and the alcoholic feels bad enough about his drinking without us constantly berating them for it. I am learning to keep my mouth shut if I catch him drinking so he cannot blame it on me. I am learning to walk away from potential arguments (and this is a hard one for me, I'm right and I know it lol).

I don't know if I will stay with him or not, and I can't say what is right for you. But I do know that I'm going to work on ME first, then I will know if this is something I can live with or not. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about him. That choice is his.

He does know what it is doing to you and to him, even if he won't admit it. He probably feels really bad about it too. So bad that it drives him to drink. Its a vicious cycle.

Keep reading the posts. This is a safe and comfortable place here.