Trying not to take it to heart-it's so hard to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 20
Trying not to take it to heart-it's so hard to do.
Hello Friends,
I hv been trying to work my way thru the pain of some hurtful words my daughter hs said to me over the past weekend. I am having a difficult time of letting go the phrase keeps ringing in my head. My daughter and her boyfriend hv broken up and she told me this over the phone, from the way she said it , it sounded like the boyfriend ws the one to break up with her, bec she said tht they weren't going out anymore and she didn't say she brk up with him. So I told her I was sorry when she told me they weren't going out anymore. She said she didn't wnt to talk about it and I said ok I'm not going to push but if you ever do want to talk about it - then she interrupts and repeats wht I've just said and adds blah blah, blah to the sentence. This really hurt me bec it makes me feel so unimportant to her, like she doesn't need me to talk to, it's like i offered my shoulder and she just spit on it. I've been tellling myself tht she is hurt and probably angry at the situation and decided to dump it on me and I knw tht part of her disease hs her doing it this way cause tht way she won't hv to face the feelings herself. But there are a couple of things tht are nagging at me , one being tht she hs probably talked to her landlord friend about this ( the woman is the same age as me) and I feel like if she hs it's anthr slap in the face to me when she
can confide in her and not to me. Excuse me for a moment while
I climb on my soapbox --- I hv been there for my daughter many times over the years and hv gone thru the hell of this disease and I knw i shouldln' 't hold my breath for any gratitude but I'm
reallly getting tired of being treated as second best. She lives with these people but she doesn't schedule me in toher life unless it is necessary or convient for her. I knw I hv alot of work to do and I'm trying not to give her words so much weight but she wsn't high or drunk when she said them so I guess this is how she feels about me and tht's wht hurts I guess I need to get busy she said this to me Friday night and went out with her friends Saturday night I knw she hsn't spent the whole weekend thinking about wht she said to me I hv spent most of my time thinking about it I knw tht's wrong so today I guess I'll designate
it as a day to hv fun when you don't really feel like it. Thanks for listening dear friends.
Hugs
Sparrow
I hv been trying to work my way thru the pain of some hurtful words my daughter hs said to me over the past weekend. I am having a difficult time of letting go the phrase keeps ringing in my head. My daughter and her boyfriend hv broken up and she told me this over the phone, from the way she said it , it sounded like the boyfriend ws the one to break up with her, bec she said tht they weren't going out anymore and she didn't say she brk up with him. So I told her I was sorry when she told me they weren't going out anymore. She said she didn't wnt to talk about it and I said ok I'm not going to push but if you ever do want to talk about it - then she interrupts and repeats wht I've just said and adds blah blah, blah to the sentence. This really hurt me bec it makes me feel so unimportant to her, like she doesn't need me to talk to, it's like i offered my shoulder and she just spit on it. I've been tellling myself tht she is hurt and probably angry at the situation and decided to dump it on me and I knw tht part of her disease hs her doing it this way cause tht way she won't hv to face the feelings herself. But there are a couple of things tht are nagging at me , one being tht she hs probably talked to her landlord friend about this ( the woman is the same age as me) and I feel like if she hs it's anthr slap in the face to me when she
can confide in her and not to me. Excuse me for a moment while
I climb on my soapbox --- I hv been there for my daughter many times over the years and hv gone thru the hell of this disease and I knw i shouldln' 't hold my breath for any gratitude but I'm
reallly getting tired of being treated as second best. She lives with these people but she doesn't schedule me in toher life unless it is necessary or convient for her. I knw I hv alot of work to do and I'm trying not to give her words so much weight but she wsn't high or drunk when she said them so I guess this is how she feels about me and tht's wht hurts I guess I need to get busy she said this to me Friday night and went out with her friends Saturday night I knw she hsn't spent the whole weekend thinking about wht she said to me I hv spent most of my time thinking about it I knw tht's wrong so today I guess I'll designate
it as a day to hv fun when you don't really feel like it. Thanks for listening dear friends.
Hugs
Sparrow
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Sparrow.
I have so much sympathy for you. Nothing makes me angrier than being mocked. As a matter of fact, the time I backhanded Dino, it was because he was mocking me. Just remembering it makes it hard to type because I keep balling my fist up.
My mom is great but she has never been my confidant. Some relationships just work out that way. It doesn't mean she's second best. We're just living proof that you can take the exact same words and devise at least two different languages. Try not to be hurt about her having other people to talk to.
Mockery, however, is something else. Grrrr. Beat up a pillow and then go do something nice for yourself. People who have to parrot your words back to you do it because they have nothing valid to say themselves.
Hugs,
Smoke
I have so much sympathy for you. Nothing makes me angrier than being mocked. As a matter of fact, the time I backhanded Dino, it was because he was mocking me. Just remembering it makes it hard to type because I keep balling my fist up.
My mom is great but she has never been my confidant. Some relationships just work out that way. It doesn't mean she's second best. We're just living proof that you can take the exact same words and devise at least two different languages. Try not to be hurt about her having other people to talk to.
Mockery, however, is something else. Grrrr. Beat up a pillow and then go do something nice for yourself. People who have to parrot your words back to you do it because they have nothing valid to say themselves.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
hi sparrow
i'm sorry your hurt and know the feeling.My daughter is not into mocking but i do feel down on the list of confidents or times i tried to be alone with her and she just didnt get it. so for myself i have had to get into alot of reading on expectations and find the faults in myself. and thats where they are,in me !
but, the mocking disrespect, you can certainly let her know how that hurts you,that to me is a boundary that should not be crossed ! if she knows how you feel she may watch her tongue in the future ,part of our misery comes when others don't know our boundaries. Ihave thought so many times in the aftermath of getting my feelings hurt that maybe she didnt realize what it did to me, the times i could tell her she has said that was not what she meant to do.
today, we can choose to ruin a perfectly good day (i have ruined many) !! or live our life today ,each as they come, being happy in spite of !
Hugs to you sparrow
liddy
i'm sorry your hurt and know the feeling.My daughter is not into mocking but i do feel down on the list of confidents or times i tried to be alone with her and she just didnt get it. so for myself i have had to get into alot of reading on expectations and find the faults in myself. and thats where they are,in me !
but, the mocking disrespect, you can certainly let her know how that hurts you,that to me is a boundary that should not be crossed ! if she knows how you feel she may watch her tongue in the future ,part of our misery comes when others don't know our boundaries. Ihave thought so many times in the aftermath of getting my feelings hurt that maybe she didnt realize what it did to me, the times i could tell her she has said that was not what she meant to do.
today, we can choose to ruin a perfectly good day (i have ruined many) !! or live our life today ,each as they come, being happy in spite of !
Hugs to you sparrow
liddy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
dear sparrow,
sorry for your pain, and hurt feeling and disappointments. this too shall pass, i must point out liddy's thoughts about boundaries are what springs to mind when i read this post. dr. phil the tv therapist says "we teach people how to treat us", and i do agree that's about as simple as it gets. i have 6 kids ,2 are my daughters. we have in the past butted heads and i have been mocked and disrespected and laughed at and shunned. that is a painful experience and not anything i care to repeat. u deserve respect from your children, since i assume from your post u have given respect to them for their decisions. u can't control your daughters reaction and conversation regarding what sounds like a painful breakup, u can end the conversation until she settles down. love does not mean toleratimg abusive, verbal or not. try some boundaries with detachment and love.
as far as her going to another woman as a confident, that pulled my heartstrings. i have been there and it really pulled at my heart, and i of course wrote it off in an unhealthy way to my not being good enough. mother, daughter dynamics can also invlove a bizarre form of rejection as they struggle to grow up and break the childlike bonds. the critical youthful assessment of my own mom has not been forgotten. i don't think we became friends till i was way into raising my own family and could see a little further than the end of my nose. try and see the positives in this hurtful situation. she is growing up. she is in charge of her life. she has some pride and strength. she is allowing emotions to surface, even as misdirected as they are. hang in there.and remember to respect yourself and expect respect. all relationships change or evolve. nudge it in the right direction with your boundaries and love!!
hugs from sugar
sorry for your pain, and hurt feeling and disappointments. this too shall pass, i must point out liddy's thoughts about boundaries are what springs to mind when i read this post. dr. phil the tv therapist says "we teach people how to treat us", and i do agree that's about as simple as it gets. i have 6 kids ,2 are my daughters. we have in the past butted heads and i have been mocked and disrespected and laughed at and shunned. that is a painful experience and not anything i care to repeat. u deserve respect from your children, since i assume from your post u have given respect to them for their decisions. u can't control your daughters reaction and conversation regarding what sounds like a painful breakup, u can end the conversation until she settles down. love does not mean toleratimg abusive, verbal or not. try some boundaries with detachment and love.
as far as her going to another woman as a confident, that pulled my heartstrings. i have been there and it really pulled at my heart, and i of course wrote it off in an unhealthy way to my not being good enough. mother, daughter dynamics can also invlove a bizarre form of rejection as they struggle to grow up and break the childlike bonds. the critical youthful assessment of my own mom has not been forgotten. i don't think we became friends till i was way into raising my own family and could see a little further than the end of my nose. try and see the positives in this hurtful situation. she is growing up. she is in charge of her life. she has some pride and strength. she is allowing emotions to surface, even as misdirected as they are. hang in there.and remember to respect yourself and expect respect. all relationships change or evolve. nudge it in the right direction with your boundaries and love!!
hugs from sugar
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Dear Sparrow,
You are NOT alone in your feelings. Any parent of an A has been down these roads whether they be the road of disrespect, mockery or just plain shutting the parent out. I've been there and I know it's not a good feeling.
After reading your post I recalled a very hurtful incident where my daughter yelled at her father and I (and she was sober, I might add), "You are NOT my family. AA is my family and THEY care about me!"
"Yeah, right, honey. Sure, they have been there for you for TWO months where as your dad and I have weathered every darn event of your life for 20 years, but sure, AA is your family!" Well, that is what I WANTED to say, but I held my tongue. Yes, it does burn me up sometimes that the A's are allowed to yell, rant and rave and we, as good Al Anon'ers, are supposed to keep our cool. And yes, we are, because when we get upset it does no one any good. And trust me, I've lost it on occasions and have seen the results of that.....NOT GOOD.
So just know your daughter is probably lashing out in anger and just dealing with her disease the best she can.
Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, my daughter will probably talk to ANY ONE else before she will talk to me. I don't like it, but it's just a fact of life. I keep hoping as she grows and matures, our relationship will become better. Until then (thinking optimistically here....
) I just try....try, try, TRY TRY TYR to grin and bear it!
Hang in there, sparrow. Hugs.
You are NOT alone in your feelings. Any parent of an A has been down these roads whether they be the road of disrespect, mockery or just plain shutting the parent out. I've been there and I know it's not a good feeling.
After reading your post I recalled a very hurtful incident where my daughter yelled at her father and I (and she was sober, I might add), "You are NOT my family. AA is my family and THEY care about me!"
"Yeah, right, honey. Sure, they have been there for you for TWO months where as your dad and I have weathered every darn event of your life for 20 years, but sure, AA is your family!" Well, that is what I WANTED to say, but I held my tongue. Yes, it does burn me up sometimes that the A's are allowed to yell, rant and rave and we, as good Al Anon'ers, are supposed to keep our cool. And yes, we are, because when we get upset it does no one any good. And trust me, I've lost it on occasions and have seen the results of that.....NOT GOOD.
So just know your daughter is probably lashing out in anger and just dealing with her disease the best she can.
Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, my daughter will probably talk to ANY ONE else before she will talk to me. I don't like it, but it's just a fact of life. I keep hoping as she grows and matures, our relationship will become better. Until then (thinking optimistically here....
) I just try....try, try, TRY TRY TYR to grin and bear it! Hang in there, sparrow. Hugs.
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