JennyK

For the past week I have been the "mistress of detached". And I feel it in my soul and in my heart and NO knots in my stomach, not even an bite marks on my tongue. I don't even feel the urge to say anything thing to him, because for the first time I can honestly say that "I don't care".

My mental health was at stake and in order to save myself, I have to not care. And I don't.

He is drinking, he is driving, he is working only until about 3, then getting drunk.

I don't care.

He is also helping around the house, making good sales at work, being a kind and loving person and I am finding myself not really caring about that either.

It is odd. It is scary.

I am hoping to find a medium at some point, right now I feel like I am watching myself interact with him and just being amazed at my total lack of caring and lack of interest.

I have not lost interest in anything else in my life, so I know I am not depressed.

It is freeing. It is terrifying.

I wonder how I will feel tomorrow. However for the past few nights I have slept better than I have in years.

Interesting how different this is than "thinking" I was really detaching. And trying to detach. And wanting to be detached.

I have found the ability to banish any thoughts of what he is doing and why from my mind. Oddly they have rarely been coming to my mind.

The trick now will be to find away to allow the thoughts of him that are vital to being a family to filter in. The thoughts of the things that I like about him. When he comes home sober and is funny and kind and wonderful, I WANT to care about that. I will work on that. Improving my filter, currently is it not letting anything through.

Hmmm...A new place in my life. Unfamiliar territory and I am not sure what exactly made me decide I could do this, whatever it was, WOW...it was effective.

Detachment...who would have thought...

Jenny

FormerDoormat

Perhaps it's clogged and needs changing monthly, to ensure your furnace will run at peak efficency and continue to provide warmth for your family.

best

Just the fact that you are thinking about it, the filter is working fine.

Word useage... I don't care.

You do care, you have just reached a point of acceptance and understanding is all. It is a fine line between the two.
Being obsessed and filled with worry is how many of us look at or judge how much we care.
Because of understanding and acceptance we gain, we are caring more then ever… we are just doing it without all the bad emotions tied into it.

New territory… nope. Same territory with different tools in hand.

Your filter is working very well.

reader

You are doing great Jenny!!!

sarah25

I'm working on that one Jenny. Last night, after my allotted 20 min alone time to take a bath, I came in here to my computer and logged on SR , then I realised he'd hear my footsteps upsatirs and realise I was out of the tub, if I didn't hurry up and get downstairs within the amount of time he expected me to he'd come to find out what i was doing.l If I was online he'd be peering over my shoulder badgering me, without fail my daughter would need to nurse, not because she's hungry, because he didn't wanna watch her. I logged off without looking, without posting, and realised how controling this is, how suffocating, how I have lost me, a long time ago. I am not free to think or feel or say what I want and what I need....he contols that. Last night I wanted to be on SR, I didn't want to see him, talk to him, I wanted to bring my baby upstairs and hang out with you guys. I am trying to detach from him. I hope I can get there like you have Jenny.

equus

Absolutely!!

Cynay

You cant imagine how happy I am for you!!!!

Dont worry about your filter... It just probably needs a break too! I suggest a massage every month to keep the filter well tended

I know where your at and I think its acceptance too... keep working on you, one day at a time and WOOOHOOO life is good.