The "all of me" that for some reason needs to get out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
The "all of me" that for some reason needs to get out
I have come here for some time now. And you all know about my son Sean (sonnyboy) who is an alcoholic/drug addict. You know how when something hurts so bad that rather than face it and deal with it head on..its pigonholed..placed in a box and not looked at...not dealt with until you are either A. Stronger or B. Forced... I guess I am feeling a bit of both of those things now and so I want to introduce myself...really let you guys know me. So, sorry if this is on the long side...but here goes.
I got married at 15 to a man who was 22 years older than me. He took me out of a situation that I felt was horrible and for that..I suppose I should be grateful. He was a huge alcoholic..to the point of putting Kaluah in his coffee thermos that he drank all day at work. For the first year things were fine. Me playing house and him reaping the benifits. I dont think that I really knew how much he drank or about his violent temper until year two. Early in year two I messed up at the bank and got us overdrawn..not by much...but that didnt matter. I didnt know any better and went to him with the notice and WHAM..backhanded...I was literally thrown for a loop. My parents had never hit me before..I had no idea what to do. I remember I reached my hand up and felt my face...my lip was split..my nose bloody and my eye was already swelling shut. I picked myself up and locked myself in the bathroom. He of course was contrite and begged forgiveness...I of course was stupid and gave it. Over the course of the next few years it happened again and again...each time worse...each time longer to heal. In the mean time hubby decides that with a child bride could come some money if he played his hand just right. I was now a topless dancer...okay...if you say so hunny...whatever makes you happy. Wait a minute...topless isnt bringing in enough to fuel your habit....okie dokie babydoll...nude it is. And I did that for three years. Every night I worked at a place...I kid you not..called the Booby Trap...Hah...can you believe?!?!? I danced and danced and when I came off the stage I handed him the money...poof over to the bar he would fly... I finally decided that my life was worth so much more than that..than him...than the drunkeness that was his life but mine as well. No, I didn't drink..never have...can't stand the smell of beer and hard liquer never tasted good to me. Anyway, one day he was still asleep...the bedroom door was unlock..I stepped out of the apartment and never looked back...until just recently..why? I don't know.
Fast forward till I am 21. I marry a man that is a non drinker..again, someone who is 22 years older than I ... but who is nice to me. It wasn't a "in love" marriage..but he didnt want to be alone and I wanted to be a mom...and with his dark good looks and my American Indian heritage...I knew we would make some beautiful kids...and lordy did we!!
The first month of our marriage we got pregnant with our oldest son Luke..he is 22 and quite the cowboy. Next is Sean..he is 21 and a recovering A/D..
When Sean was still in newborn diapers I got pregnant again with twin sons..Robert and Randy. Oh Steve and I were so happy. We had our babies. We were good together...the best of friends...we had each other, our children were wonderful and I was about to give birth. We had a house, two cars..one dog one cat...well you get the idea. And then...without warning...out of the blue...my babies died. I never got the chance to see them alive. I had to give birth the them naturally...I begged the doctor to just cut em out...get them out of my body. They said no. That the scars I would be carrying the rest of my life didnt need to be augmented by physical scars. Ten hours later my body spent itself and the heavens opened to accept my sons. We of course went to counseling right away. We were told that if we could make it though the death of a child..then our marriage would withstand dang near anything. We were there for each other. We held on to each other during the nights that we so very long...perhaps too closely because I was once again pregnant...this time with a girl child. I was just giddy. I decorated her room in pinks and purples and we bought for her. She was the first girl grandchild on either side...Spoiled already?? You bettcha. The nine months flew by and before I knew it...I had contractions...that became real and horrifying pain. My placenta abrupted whilst I was delivering my lovely girl and she died right there in the doctor's hands. Oh god..I wanted to die with her. In fact I did for a few minutes...Steve didn't know what to do..neither did I. We moved by rote. I cooked and I cleaned..but I can't tell you a thing about Luke and Sean's early childhood. My forever guilt will wear me out one day. Luke turned inward and became a very very quiet child. Sean went just the opposite way. He became a clown...always wanted to make momma smile. My heart child. Luke bonded tightly with my strong and silent husband...we were going to be okay.
The doctors said I wouldn't/couldn't get pregnant again...My body was tired. Not tired enough I guess. Happy Birthday Steve...BAM...Ryan. God said HA and we did it again. He was brought forth early to avoid the other issues..he was an ugly ducking of four pounds and two ounces at birth. But my goodness he stole our hearts quickly.
Fastforward 16 years. Sean was drinking and drugging...Steve and I were trying despretly to stay strong. Luke got quieter than ever...until we found him hanging in his closet. A failed attempt thank God..his weight broke the closet rod before any brain damage could be done. Sean got worse. He quit school...not enough time in the day to drink, drug and study ya know.
Finally our house of cards and smoke and mirrors split down the center...one night/early morning Steve wakes me up and just looks at me like he had never seen me before and announces that he wants out. Just like that...Poof. Okay.
Today's times...I am re-married for six years now..to a man that is 13 years YOUNGER than me. He makes me laugh. I am happy in my skin. However, Ryan has followed his brother Sean to live with his father and in to the life of drink and jail time. He has now been in jail for the last five months on a B&E charge. He and his lawyer have just recently contacted Brian (my current husband) and myself to ask if when he gets out on the 31st if he can move in with us. To get him away from all the people that he got in to trouble with and or hung out with. My son....My blessing and my trial. What am I going to do? Of course we will move out of our comfortable one bedroom apartment and in to a two so that we can make room for him. We will hide everything that is worth anything so he cant pawn it. My rings will go back from the jewelry box to the safe at work. My life will resume where Sean left it off prior to his getting clean.
And thats me folks. I rarely start threads because I rarely have the "exact" right thing to say...Always afraid to say too much in case I revealed too much of myself. But I need you all my friends. I hope that after reading all this..that you can still be my friends and will not hold the past against who I am now. The child bride grew up...the dancer's body is now around her knees..The once strong woman is weak and weeping.
Hello S/R....I need a hug.
I got married at 15 to a man who was 22 years older than me. He took me out of a situation that I felt was horrible and for that..I suppose I should be grateful. He was a huge alcoholic..to the point of putting Kaluah in his coffee thermos that he drank all day at work. For the first year things were fine. Me playing house and him reaping the benifits. I dont think that I really knew how much he drank or about his violent temper until year two. Early in year two I messed up at the bank and got us overdrawn..not by much...but that didnt matter. I didnt know any better and went to him with the notice and WHAM..backhanded...I was literally thrown for a loop. My parents had never hit me before..I had no idea what to do. I remember I reached my hand up and felt my face...my lip was split..my nose bloody and my eye was already swelling shut. I picked myself up and locked myself in the bathroom. He of course was contrite and begged forgiveness...I of course was stupid and gave it. Over the course of the next few years it happened again and again...each time worse...each time longer to heal. In the mean time hubby decides that with a child bride could come some money if he played his hand just right. I was now a topless dancer...okay...if you say so hunny...whatever makes you happy. Wait a minute...topless isnt bringing in enough to fuel your habit....okie dokie babydoll...nude it is. And I did that for three years. Every night I worked at a place...I kid you not..called the Booby Trap...Hah...can you believe?!?!? I danced and danced and when I came off the stage I handed him the money...poof over to the bar he would fly... I finally decided that my life was worth so much more than that..than him...than the drunkeness that was his life but mine as well. No, I didn't drink..never have...can't stand the smell of beer and hard liquer never tasted good to me. Anyway, one day he was still asleep...the bedroom door was unlock..I stepped out of the apartment and never looked back...until just recently..why? I don't know.
Fast forward till I am 21. I marry a man that is a non drinker..again, someone who is 22 years older than I ... but who is nice to me. It wasn't a "in love" marriage..but he didnt want to be alone and I wanted to be a mom...and with his dark good looks and my American Indian heritage...I knew we would make some beautiful kids...and lordy did we!!
The first month of our marriage we got pregnant with our oldest son Luke..he is 22 and quite the cowboy. Next is Sean..he is 21 and a recovering A/D..
When Sean was still in newborn diapers I got pregnant again with twin sons..Robert and Randy. Oh Steve and I were so happy. We had our babies. We were good together...the best of friends...we had each other, our children were wonderful and I was about to give birth. We had a house, two cars..one dog one cat...well you get the idea. And then...without warning...out of the blue...my babies died. I never got the chance to see them alive. I had to give birth the them naturally...I begged the doctor to just cut em out...get them out of my body. They said no. That the scars I would be carrying the rest of my life didnt need to be augmented by physical scars. Ten hours later my body spent itself and the heavens opened to accept my sons. We of course went to counseling right away. We were told that if we could make it though the death of a child..then our marriage would withstand dang near anything. We were there for each other. We held on to each other during the nights that we so very long...perhaps too closely because I was once again pregnant...this time with a girl child. I was just giddy. I decorated her room in pinks and purples and we bought for her. She was the first girl grandchild on either side...Spoiled already?? You bettcha. The nine months flew by and before I knew it...I had contractions...that became real and horrifying pain. My placenta abrupted whilst I was delivering my lovely girl and she died right there in the doctor's hands. Oh god..I wanted to die with her. In fact I did for a few minutes...Steve didn't know what to do..neither did I. We moved by rote. I cooked and I cleaned..but I can't tell you a thing about Luke and Sean's early childhood. My forever guilt will wear me out one day. Luke turned inward and became a very very quiet child. Sean went just the opposite way. He became a clown...always wanted to make momma smile. My heart child. Luke bonded tightly with my strong and silent husband...we were going to be okay.
The doctors said I wouldn't/couldn't get pregnant again...My body was tired. Not tired enough I guess. Happy Birthday Steve...BAM...Ryan. God said HA and we did it again. He was brought forth early to avoid the other issues..he was an ugly ducking of four pounds and two ounces at birth. But my goodness he stole our hearts quickly.
Fastforward 16 years. Sean was drinking and drugging...Steve and I were trying despretly to stay strong. Luke got quieter than ever...until we found him hanging in his closet. A failed attempt thank God..his weight broke the closet rod before any brain damage could be done. Sean got worse. He quit school...not enough time in the day to drink, drug and study ya know.
Finally our house of cards and smoke and mirrors split down the center...one night/early morning Steve wakes me up and just looks at me like he had never seen me before and announces that he wants out. Just like that...Poof. Okay.
Today's times...I am re-married for six years now..to a man that is 13 years YOUNGER than me. He makes me laugh. I am happy in my skin. However, Ryan has followed his brother Sean to live with his father and in to the life of drink and jail time. He has now been in jail for the last five months on a B&E charge. He and his lawyer have just recently contacted Brian (my current husband) and myself to ask if when he gets out on the 31st if he can move in with us. To get him away from all the people that he got in to trouble with and or hung out with. My son....My blessing and my trial. What am I going to do? Of course we will move out of our comfortable one bedroom apartment and in to a two so that we can make room for him. We will hide everything that is worth anything so he cant pawn it. My rings will go back from the jewelry box to the safe at work. My life will resume where Sean left it off prior to his getting clean.
And thats me folks. I rarely start threads because I rarely have the "exact" right thing to say...Always afraid to say too much in case I revealed too much of myself. But I need you all my friends. I hope that after reading all this..that you can still be my friends and will not hold the past against who I am now. The child bride grew up...the dancer's body is now around her knees..The once strong woman is weak and weeping.
Hello S/R....I need a hug.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Here Mom 
And another
You're gonna get to the other side of this, you know that.
I'm glad I got to read your story and see where you came from.
That's as much a part of you as where you are now and where you're headed.
(13 years younger...Gabe has a good chuckle and remembers that she always thought Mom was one of the saucy ones who goes for the gusto in life
)
And another
You're gonna get to the other side of this, you know that.
I'm glad I got to read your story and see where you came from.
That's as much a part of you as where you are now and where you're headed.
(13 years younger...Gabe has a good chuckle and remembers that she always thought Mom was one of the saucy ones who goes for the gusto in life
)
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Such a tough post to respond to. You're an amazing lady. You made it through a lot of crap over the years...you'll make it through this episode too.
((((((((())))))))))))))
love and blessings to you
((((((((())))))))))))))
love and blessings to you
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I can hear your strength! You have made it through and that in it self is a feat. We also have a son who is struggling with drugs and alcohol. He also spends time in jail. It looks like he may be going back too. All we can do is love them and show them by example how to live. The must make their own path. Love out to you, you are not alone!!!!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
This is what I posted to your other thread in the Substance Abuse forum....
Mom... come on down into the Naranon forums... lots of other moms down here.
My kid is a meth addict - the other kid is a pot/alcohol addict.
Different drugs... same ending.
Alanon saved my life... if you are going - you might consider increasing the number of meetings each week. If you are not... now is the time.
In Alanon I have learned...
I can't CAUSE addiction
I can't CONTROL addiction and
I can't CURE addiction
So maybe his dad has no rules - he didn't cause the addiction, and you probably couldn't have controlled it - nor can you if he comes to live with you now.
However, if you are like me, you will need to try this anyway. I heard it from Alanon friends, I heard it in here... what I did would NOT change my kids' addictions. But I still had to "try" in order to learn what didn't work.
What I would hope you can do is to keep the addiction separate from the PERSON. Your kid is a good, kind loving person - whoever he was "before". But the addiction covers all that up and one of the hardest things I think is to read a post from a mom who hates their child or a wife who hates their husband. Hates. Absolutely and unequivocably. For good reason, generally. But in most cases, the person they originally loved/fell in love with is in there... trapped by, being smothered by, maybe being killed by the addiction.
I got very, very sick chasing my kid who was chasing her drug. Not just phsically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. When I got here, I was not who I am today and didn't like the controlling, managing, manipulating, martyring, MEAN woman I had become.
I hope you can find some meetings in your area. Also, if your son is old enough, perhaps now might be the time for him to check out a clean and sober living arrangement. Type "Oxford House" into a search engine - they will only take him if he is committed to recovery, but if he fails, it won't be YOU sending him out into the cold.... it will be a result of his own actions.
Meth is nasty.... horrible... awful... despicable...
PS - Your story breaks my heart. I lost one child at 2 months to SIDS, I cannot imagine losing three.... and the addiction .... and the divorce. So much....too much.
((((LovingMim))))
Mom... come on down into the Naranon forums... lots of other moms down here.
My kid is a meth addict - the other kid is a pot/alcohol addict.
Different drugs... same ending.
Alanon saved my life... if you are going - you might consider increasing the number of meetings each week. If you are not... now is the time.
In Alanon I have learned...
I can't CAUSE addiction
I can't CONTROL addiction and
I can't CURE addiction
So maybe his dad has no rules - he didn't cause the addiction, and you probably couldn't have controlled it - nor can you if he comes to live with you now.
However, if you are like me, you will need to try this anyway. I heard it from Alanon friends, I heard it in here... what I did would NOT change my kids' addictions. But I still had to "try" in order to learn what didn't work.
What I would hope you can do is to keep the addiction separate from the PERSON. Your kid is a good, kind loving person - whoever he was "before". But the addiction covers all that up and one of the hardest things I think is to read a post from a mom who hates their child or a wife who hates their husband. Hates. Absolutely and unequivocably. For good reason, generally. But in most cases, the person they originally loved/fell in love with is in there... trapped by, being smothered by, maybe being killed by the addiction.
I got very, very sick chasing my kid who was chasing her drug. Not just phsically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. When I got here, I was not who I am today and didn't like the controlling, managing, manipulating, martyring, MEAN woman I had become.
I hope you can find some meetings in your area. Also, if your son is old enough, perhaps now might be the time for him to check out a clean and sober living arrangement. Type "Oxford House" into a search engine - they will only take him if he is committed to recovery, but if he fails, it won't be YOU sending him out into the cold.... it will be a result of his own actions.
Meth is nasty.... horrible... awful... despicable...
PS - Your story breaks my heart. I lost one child at 2 months to SIDS, I cannot imagine losing three.... and the addiction .... and the divorce. So much....too much.
((((LovingMim))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
I just spoke with Ryan. He is being released in nine days. He will have to spend the first month at his fathers house in order to go to his first probation meeting. Then Brian and I will meet with the officers of the court to swear that Ry has a home far away from Hood County (Granbury) and that we not only want him..we will be responsible for him. Arrr. Again stepping in to clean up someones mess. Beginning to get that headach that comes from nerves. I know it's the right thing to have him come live with us...but at the same time, I feel a tad of anger because my life was actually becoming my life. Brian and I have a calmness that we have fought hard to get to and then maintain...Petty and selfish I know.
Ryan is of course so excited to be getting out of jail that he is willing to agree to any rules and boundries we set up for him. I just told him that this is only going to work if we start off with the "trust" issues...We have to trust him and he has to trust us. How does one start trusting again? Small steps of course. Itsy bitsy baby steps.
Thank you all for your warm embrase here. It is the one place that I can come where I am totally understood. Your reading my story, and your acceptance of me for not who I was, but who I am now warms my heart.
Ryan is of course so excited to be getting out of jail that he is willing to agree to any rules and boundries we set up for him. I just told him that this is only going to work if we start off with the "trust" issues...We have to trust him and he has to trust us. How does one start trusting again? Small steps of course. Itsy bitsy baby steps.
Thank you all for your warm embrase here. It is the one place that I can come where I am totally understood. Your reading my story, and your acceptance of me for not who I was, but who I am now warms my heart.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
You should write a book. So touching and inspirational. You have a good life and you are allowed to keep it. The best chance he has is for you to set boundaries and keep them. I am hoping he will answer to the courts as incentive to get him going in the right direction. It isn't over yet but you are standing upright, you raise the bar. I'm very inspired by you.
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