I keep looking for her...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
I keep looking for her...
In the mirror, every time I get in front of one. I look at who I am, I see this scared lonely person. I feel like everyday that passes I keep slipping, further and further down. It is making it just that much harder to snap out of this low part in my life I have hit.
I just want someone or something to make my pain and past go away. I want to be that person I was starting to get to know all on my own again, but I dont know where she went. I know it is taking every bit of strength to even smile at people, be happy and content, it just isn't happeneing. I still have this guy living with me, who has no job, no motivation, nothing. But for some stupid strange reason I think I need or "love" him. I keep telling myself I am going to end it, which I did last week, only to be going to pick him back up. I feel sick, stupid and lost.
I had come so far, and I dont understand why I am back at this point. I know I have alot of pent up anger, resentment, frustration, and pure weakness. I was in a weak moment in my life and allowed this to happen. Except I have those lovely co-dependant ways and for some reason when hes not around or while he was gone last week I felt as though I was a lost dog. I just dont understand why I am clinging onto him. This is not like me at all.
I hate where I am at in life right now. I feel like I am spinning and can't stop. Mr.Dr put me on Prozac about a month ago, then a few days ago I started taking klonopan. I still can't really tell a difference, although my anxiety is a little less.
I just want to snap out of this, but I cant right now, and that frustrates me to no end.
Just venting.
I just want someone or something to make my pain and past go away. I want to be that person I was starting to get to know all on my own again, but I dont know where she went. I know it is taking every bit of strength to even smile at people, be happy and content, it just isn't happeneing. I still have this guy living with me, who has no job, no motivation, nothing. But for some stupid strange reason I think I need or "love" him. I keep telling myself I am going to end it, which I did last week, only to be going to pick him back up. I feel sick, stupid and lost.
I had come so far, and I dont understand why I am back at this point. I know I have alot of pent up anger, resentment, frustration, and pure weakness. I was in a weak moment in my life and allowed this to happen. Except I have those lovely co-dependant ways and for some reason when hes not around or while he was gone last week I felt as though I was a lost dog. I just dont understand why I am clinging onto him. This is not like me at all.
I hate where I am at in life right now. I feel like I am spinning and can't stop. Mr.Dr put me on Prozac about a month ago, then a few days ago I started taking klonopan. I still can't really tell a difference, although my anxiety is a little less.
I just want to snap out of this, but I cant right now, and that frustrates me to no end.
Just venting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Bonbon, I've been hanging around this place for a while.
And I have watched you change and grow.
So you backslid a little.
Howie Day says "even the best fall down sometimes".
It's not about the falling down...
it's about the getting back up again.
Where did she go?
Nowhere, she's still in there.
She's the best part of yourself and she's always with you.
Listen for her in the quiet moments, you'll hear her.
I'm sure about that.
And I have watched you change and grow.
So you backslid a little.
Howie Day says "even the best fall down sometimes".
It's not about the falling down...
it's about the getting back up again.
Where did she go?
Nowhere, she's still in there.
She's the best part of yourself and she's always with you.
Listen for her in the quiet moments, you'll hear her.
I'm sure about that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Dont be so hard on yourself hon.... it happens to all of us.
The good news is now you know for sure who you dont want to be and what you dont want, questions is what you willing to do to fix it and making your plan to get back in touch with that beautiful women.
Keep the focus on you, and take good care of yourself.
The good news is now you know for sure who you dont want to be and what you dont want, questions is what you willing to do to fix it and making your plan to get back in touch with that beautiful women.
Keep the focus on you, and take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 29
Hi, I'm not Gabe replying, but I think you already know it's time to get back up or you wouldn't be here writing such a post. It's hard though. Are you in therapy along with the meds? You do sound very sad. Hugs! I think some self-pampering is in order. One thing I do is take a day off from the stress and do something I think is self-pampering, and then tell myself the next day I will gear myself up to "deal". 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
What Dall said Bonbon.
Remember your best and brightest time?
That's what you're looking to get back to.
That means it's time to start heading in that direction, one day at a time.
You did it before, you can do it again.
That face you're seeing in the mirror?
She's more scared of staying the way she is than she is of breaking free of all this.
Remember your best and brightest time?
That's what you're looking to get back to.
That means it's time to start heading in that direction, one day at a time.
You did it before, you can do it again.
That face you're seeing in the mirror?
She's more scared of staying the way she is than she is of breaking free of all this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Ok, so baby steps. One step, one day at a time.
Step One-Get this guy out of my house by whatever means needed. Even if I have to fib, he's got to go. Once I get him out, I know not to answer his calls, thats how I got back in this in the first place. Manipulation is a bear that I don't like. I fall weak with manipultion.
Step Two-Let time pass.
Those are my first two steps to unraveling. I am going to pray about this and hope I can do it.
(She's more scared of staying the way she is than she is of breaking free of all this.) Makes alot of sense Gabe.
Many hugs.
Step One-Get this guy out of my house by whatever means needed. Even if I have to fib, he's got to go. Once I get him out, I know not to answer his calls, thats how I got back in this in the first place. Manipulation is a bear that I don't like. I fall weak with manipultion.
Step Two-Let time pass.
Those are my first two steps to unraveling. I am going to pray about this and hope I can do it.
(She's more scared of staying the way she is than she is of breaking free of all this.) Makes alot of sense Gabe.
Many hugs.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
You're on meds for depression and anxiety. That means you are probably suffering from depression. It's not simple or easy to "snap out of it" when you're suffering from clinical depression, but there are many things you can do to heal and make yourself feel better. I know this from my own experience.
You can:
- Reach out for support (perhaps an Al-anon meeting, or go see a counsellor)
- Get exercise every day, even if it's just walking.
- Try to get out in the sun every day
- Get a good night of sleep consistently.
- Avoid refined sugar and empty white carbs (cakes, cookies, white noodles, white bread, potato chips, corn, white rice, etc...)
- I also take Omega 3, vitamin B complex, and vitamin D every day, which helps a lot to keep my moods even.
I've been off my meds for over a year now, without depression.
You might also find the mental health forum here very helpful. There is a lot of help and support there regarding depression, meds, etc...
You can:
- Reach out for support (perhaps an Al-anon meeting, or go see a counsellor)
- Get exercise every day, even if it's just walking.
- Try to get out in the sun every day
- Get a good night of sleep consistently.
- Avoid refined sugar and empty white carbs (cakes, cookies, white noodles, white bread, potato chips, corn, white rice, etc...)
- I also take Omega 3, vitamin B complex, and vitamin D every day, which helps a lot to keep my moods even.
I've been off my meds for over a year now, without depression.
You might also find the mental health forum here very helpful. There is a lot of help and support there regarding depression, meds, etc...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Ok, so baby steps. One step, one day at a time.
Step One-Get this guy out of my house by whatever means needed. Even if I have to fib, he's got to go. Once I get him out, I know not to answer his calls, thats how I got back in this in the first place. Manipulation is a bear that I don't like. I fall weak with manipultion.
Step One-Get this guy out of my house by whatever means needed. Even if I have to fib, he's got to go. Once I get him out, I know not to answer his calls, thats how I got back in this in the first place. Manipulation is a bear that I don't like. I fall weak with manipultion.
Just a thought...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Gosh you guys had some excellent suggestions. I really,really, appreciate it. Yes, getting him out would be a big step. Whereas I know I am clinging onto him for a reason. I decided I am going to start trying to focus back on me, maybe setting a couple of small goals for myself. Start disconnecting from the situation, whereas I may not be changing it right away, I will when the time is right. I just want it to be soon. I know only I can control that. Today I feel more confident for some reason, its coming out of nowhere, more in control I guess you could say.
I do suffer from depression, this much I know. The meds I am just trying to give them time to be working. She increased my Prozac dosage, and maybe that will help. I will get through this. At least Im going to try.
I do suffer from depression, this much I know. The meds I am just trying to give them time to be working. She increased my Prozac dosage, and maybe that will help. I will get through this. At least Im going to try.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Hi BonBon, I had no luck with prozac but effexor worked well for my anxiety!! I like your idea of setting small goals maybe I will try that! I love your dancing elephant she has a most hypnotic twirl, very relaxing. At least we have this great board for support, all we can do is keep on keeping on!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
Hi Bonbon,
Pernell posted something a long time ago and I don't remember where it is. I'll try to find it. It was about our patterns in relationships and how we learn what love is in our childhood and when we need or want love we follow those same patterns when we choose a relationship. It is the only way we learned how to receive love. Your relationship patterns seem to follow the same repeating pattern. Then when you find yourself in this kind of relationship your self esteem hits bottom. You are doing most if not all the giving and not receiving anything for yourself.
It's easier to feel healthier when you are outside of a relationship because you are not dealing with all those old destructive patterns that created your low self esteem in the first place. These are some of the hardest parts of our personality to change because they are part of our development as children.
Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you were able to be on your own and happy shows extreme progress. I remember when you couldn't even recognize that you were in an unhealthy relationship. Now you recognize it right away. Since it is part of the pattern that brings your self esteem down it makes it harder to change the situation and bring yourself back out of it. I see lots of people function wonderfully on their own and fall apart when they get into a relationship.
Are any of your self esteem problems wrapped around your body image? I remember you lost quite a bit of weight and felt great. Have you gained some of that back and is that having an affect on how you feel about yourself?
You experienced a great loss not that long ago and it is normal to be vulnerable at a time like that. It is normal to need at a time like that and the perfect setting to fall back into old patterns.
Here is a link.
http://joy2meu.com/codependent1.htm
Huge hugs,
MG
Pernell posted something a long time ago and I don't remember where it is. I'll try to find it. It was about our patterns in relationships and how we learn what love is in our childhood and when we need or want love we follow those same patterns when we choose a relationship. It is the only way we learned how to receive love. Your relationship patterns seem to follow the same repeating pattern. Then when you find yourself in this kind of relationship your self esteem hits bottom. You are doing most if not all the giving and not receiving anything for yourself.
It's easier to feel healthier when you are outside of a relationship because you are not dealing with all those old destructive patterns that created your low self esteem in the first place. These are some of the hardest parts of our personality to change because they are part of our development as children.
Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you were able to be on your own and happy shows extreme progress. I remember when you couldn't even recognize that you were in an unhealthy relationship. Now you recognize it right away. Since it is part of the pattern that brings your self esteem down it makes it harder to change the situation and bring yourself back out of it. I see lots of people function wonderfully on their own and fall apart when they get into a relationship.
Are any of your self esteem problems wrapped around your body image? I remember you lost quite a bit of weight and felt great. Have you gained some of that back and is that having an affect on how you feel about yourself?
You experienced a great loss not that long ago and it is normal to be vulnerable at a time like that. It is normal to need at a time like that and the perfect setting to fall back into old patterns.
Here is a link.
http://joy2meu.com/codependent1.htm
Huge hugs,
MG
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
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