progress of alcoholics/remission?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 11
progress of alcoholics/remission?
I'm just curious as to whether some people stay in the early or mid stages stages without moving on to later stages of alcoholism.. or is there a sort of inevitable decline, if drinking doesnt stop? Can a change in life circumstances (eg of a partner) help delay any decline?
MY ex AH, who has just left me for another woman, is in the middle stage, I beleive... he is still highly functioning, but HAS to drink he's still in control to the extent he drinks at certain specific times of day (though drinks between 6 and 8 pints of beer, a bottle of wine and usually a double whisky per day...). It had certainly started to affect those around him (me particulalrly) and we had lost friends because of his generally negative moods.
I had really stopped buying in to his drinking. I wasn't objecting to it, but not really sharing in it, and was starting to build up an independent life outside our home (as the only means to cope with the incresing negativity and hostility, and the fact AH could only live confortably if we stuck rigidly to his timetable.. anything other could cause him severe anxiety).
He accuses me now of being the person that drove him to have the affair with the other woman, as I was no longer interested in what he was doing. I guess that's the danger of detachment! He left on Christmas day at my request to go and live with her.
Now, since he's moved out, iIve seen him a few times and he looks much better. I do know he's still going to the pub and drinking, but don't know whether he's drinking as much, or going everyday. Clearly he's no longer got the strain of leading a double life with me and his mistress (one of my best friends), and no longer worrying about how and when to tell me/leave me, so maybe the need to drink is lessened.
Is it possible that the change in life circumstances will help him to regain some more control.. or is it inevitable that he will continue the decline if he continues to rely on alcohol to avoid problems? I hope in some ways its the former, so something good can come out of the situation.
MY ex AH, who has just left me for another woman, is in the middle stage, I beleive... he is still highly functioning, but HAS to drink he's still in control to the extent he drinks at certain specific times of day (though drinks between 6 and 8 pints of beer, a bottle of wine and usually a double whisky per day...). It had certainly started to affect those around him (me particulalrly) and we had lost friends because of his generally negative moods.
I had really stopped buying in to his drinking. I wasn't objecting to it, but not really sharing in it, and was starting to build up an independent life outside our home (as the only means to cope with the incresing negativity and hostility, and the fact AH could only live confortably if we stuck rigidly to his timetable.. anything other could cause him severe anxiety).
He accuses me now of being the person that drove him to have the affair with the other woman, as I was no longer interested in what he was doing. I guess that's the danger of detachment! He left on Christmas day at my request to go and live with her.
Now, since he's moved out, iIve seen him a few times and he looks much better. I do know he's still going to the pub and drinking, but don't know whether he's drinking as much, or going everyday. Clearly he's no longer got the strain of leading a double life with me and his mistress (one of my best friends), and no longer worrying about how and when to tell me/leave me, so maybe the need to drink is lessened.
Is it possible that the change in life circumstances will help him to regain some more control.. or is it inevitable that he will continue the decline if he continues to rely on alcohol to avoid problems? I hope in some ways its the former, so something good can come out of the situation.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Absolutely not!
You did not cause his alcoholism (that was a helluva lot of booze to be drinking I'm surprised he's still alive!) and it certainly does not regress..he might be looking better but the spiritual deterioration is continuing and more than likely speeding up.
Alcoholism is progressive. No 2 ways about it...and it's not caused by spouses, lol!!
As for you, I think it's remarkable that you were able to detach and hope the best for him.
You did not cause his alcoholism (that was a helluva lot of booze to be drinking I'm surprised he's still alive!) and it certainly does not regress..he might be looking better but the spiritual deterioration is continuing and more than likely speeding up.
Alcoholism is progressive. No 2 ways about it...and it's not caused by spouses, lol!!
As for you, I think it's remarkable that you were able to detach and hope the best for him.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Keep reminding yourself that he is your EX--like Cathy said, you didn't drive him to drink. He's looking for an excuse, which is typical alcoholic. It doesn't matter if he's drinking more, less or as much. It's his disease.
Please take the time to find alanon meetings in your area. Pick up all the free literature and start educating yourself about the disease. You need to focus on yourself and your recovery and not be concerned about him.
Blessings
Please take the time to find alanon meetings in your area. Pick up all the free literature and start educating yourself about the disease. You need to focus on yourself and your recovery and not be concerned about him.
Blessings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 11
Don't get me wrong.. I (now) know that it wasn't my fault (though have blamed myself in the past). He's been drinking since I met him (24 years!) and at first I was really his drinking buddy and we had LOTS of fun and quite a joyful time. I did in the past deny the extent of his problem, though.
When i started to cut down and no longer just join him in what he wanted to do (drinking or other things- though most of these revolved around drink), he got more and more miserable and drank more; unfortunatley despite all my best efforts to do things outside of our relationship, I did get very depressed (at times nearing suicidal). The anger and negativity really started escalating once he started his affair (it transpires) by which time i was too mentally ill to work (or at least at what I had planned which was to start a new business.. another escape i guess)
Now he's gone i can feel a huge burden lifting.. still in deep shock and grief, but also feeling some overwhelming sense of relief. Its a bit like i would feel when someone who had a painful and chronic illness finally died... very sad to see them die, but also relieved that the suffering is over (at least for me)
I do not wish him to suffer further, though.. there's part of him I still deeply love (even if it is rarely in evidence). so if the new relationship enables him better to address the drinking, it will in the end be good for both of us. I don't want him back, though!! I've realised that we do not have a huge amount in common and maybe never did, other than things associated with socialising and drinking.
His new woman was previously married to an alcoholic. She divorced this guy about 4 years ago. I have to say I am surprised that she has formed a new realtionship with my AH - but maybe thats because he functions a lot better and is far more responsible than her ex- at least at the moment.
When i started to cut down and no longer just join him in what he wanted to do (drinking or other things- though most of these revolved around drink), he got more and more miserable and drank more; unfortunatley despite all my best efforts to do things outside of our relationship, I did get very depressed (at times nearing suicidal). The anger and negativity really started escalating once he started his affair (it transpires) by which time i was too mentally ill to work (or at least at what I had planned which was to start a new business.. another escape i guess)
Now he's gone i can feel a huge burden lifting.. still in deep shock and grief, but also feeling some overwhelming sense of relief. Its a bit like i would feel when someone who had a painful and chronic illness finally died... very sad to see them die, but also relieved that the suffering is over (at least for me)
I do not wish him to suffer further, though.. there's part of him I still deeply love (even if it is rarely in evidence). so if the new relationship enables him better to address the drinking, it will in the end be good for both of us. I don't want him back, though!! I've realised that we do not have a huge amount in common and maybe never did, other than things associated with socialising and drinking.
His new woman was previously married to an alcoholic. She divorced this guy about 4 years ago. I have to say I am surprised that she has formed a new realtionship with my AH - but maybe thats because he functions a lot better and is far more responsible than her ex- at least at the moment.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 11
Ohh.. Hmmmmm .. Kathy... thank you. I'm thinking hard here.
Are you saying that even showing some concern about his future is still beyond what i should now be doing?
BTw I have today just been to my first al-anon meeting.
Are you saying that even showing some concern about his future is still beyond what i should now be doing?
BTw I have today just been to my first al-anon meeting.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Do they get better under different conditions?? My guess is yes, for a while.
That might be because he is trying to prove to himself that it was all your fault and to prove to the girlfriend and buddies it was your fault. When and if she starts to question him, look with disapproval at him, then he will probably run back home to you. Don't count on it, but just seems these are the games they play.
Just going by what I have read and observed. Each case is different. Each relationship, each A, all different. This just my opinion. Keep reading, Take what you can use and leave the rest, and keep coming back.
That might be because he is trying to prove to himself that it was all your fault and to prove to the girlfriend and buddies it was your fault. When and if she starts to question him, look with disapproval at him, then he will probably run back home to you. Don't count on it, but just seems these are the games they play.
Just going by what I have read and observed. Each case is different. Each relationship, each A, all different. This just my opinion. Keep reading, Take what you can use and leave the rest, and keep coming back.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 11
Actually, Clancy, thats probably my main concern (him running back home, that is)! Do I sound cold hearted? Actaully then maybe I am.. I've really had enough. ... but then end up when i think about this getting myself in knots of contradictory emotions of "i love him" and therefore i "should" have him back and try and be there for him..... and "i have had enough" and even if that means he goes off and kills himself, I am not going to take him back. ARGHHHH
I realised a couple of days ago, when he called round to the house to pick up some papers, that if he wanted to come back I would not be happy (UNDERSTATEMENT!!). In fact my stomach lurched like a cross between fear/terror and nausea at the thought. Guess i need to work on strengthening my barriers and independence so i will be prepared if and when it happens to be strong enough to say no.
So I guess i am hoping he "recovers" - at least untill i am well out of his life.
I realised a couple of days ago, when he called round to the house to pick up some papers, that if he wanted to come back I would not be happy (UNDERSTATEMENT!!). In fact my stomach lurched like a cross between fear/terror and nausea at the thought. Guess i need to work on strengthening my barriers and independence so i will be prepared if and when it happens to be strong enough to say no.
So I guess i am hoping he "recovers" - at least untill i am well out of his life.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Freedom,
I have no direct experience with it, but I believe that when a A is trying to win someone over as in a new relationship, they are able to drink less and portray a different image. I think this could be classified as protecting the addiction, since they are acting differently to get what they want. I read on the AA website the other day that there are many different types of alcoholics, but the one thing they have in common is that their disease does progress. So although it may seem like a reprieve in drinking, it is probably just short-term. All the more reason to work on you, right? I think that's a great attitude -- work so that when/if he does come back because his cards ran out, you are fully prepared.
I have no direct experience with it, but I believe that when a A is trying to win someone over as in a new relationship, they are able to drink less and portray a different image. I think this could be classified as protecting the addiction, since they are acting differently to get what they want. I read on the AA website the other day that there are many different types of alcoholics, but the one thing they have in common is that their disease does progress. So although it may seem like a reprieve in drinking, it is probably just short-term. All the more reason to work on you, right? I think that's a great attitude -- work so that when/if he does come back because his cards ran out, you are fully prepared.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Congrats on going to your first meeting. Did you pick up the pamphlets? Keep going and find others to attend.
Yes. It's his future and if you're not a part of it, and have no intention of trying to making a life with him, you need not wonder what if? Makes me wonder why you're still having conversations with him if he's accusing you of making him go to another woman and you get physically ill thinking about him moving back. Detachment comes into play with situations like this. Let Go and Let God.
I don't understand what this mean? Gets well so you can get out of his life...What happens if he doesn't recover? Does that mean you're going to stick around hoping he'll "get better"?
DETACHMENT (Adapted from Alanon Speaks out, a newsletter for professionals)
Alcoholism is a family disease. Living wtih the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help. In Alanon, we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.
IN ALANON WE LEARN:
-Not to suffer becaue of the actions or reactions of other people;
-Not to do allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery.
-Not to do for others what they could do for themselves;
-Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, pay bills, not drink;
-Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds;
-Not to create a crisis
-Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allow us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives.
Detachment helps familites look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible.
My son left here yesterday and went out-of-town. Walking into a very bad situation, and admitted knowing the person he was visiting was self-medicating with booze and weed. Sons been sober 1 year. And if I follow my gut feeling, he is drinking again. I saw every sign and indication that he was going too. His quick speech, his jumbled thoughts, lie and actions...But I couldn't stop him from going, nor could I say "don't drink" while there. I couldn't take his car keys from him. I didn't remind him that the money he was using for the trip should have been put toward his bills that were due 3 days ago. As stated above, Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events. I detached. It hurts a little. He's my son, but I know that if I wish and hope for him, my life is put on hold because I'm not focused on my healing.
Sorry this is so long, but I have been working super hard on the detachment issue. And I discovered as long as I wish and wonder about his sobriety, I'm stuck in neutral and can't get myself better.
Blessings
Are you saying that even showing some concern about his future is still beyond what i should now be doing?
So I guess i am hoping he "recovers" - at least untill i am well out of his life.
DETACHMENT (Adapted from Alanon Speaks out, a newsletter for professionals)
Alcoholism is a family disease. Living wtih the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help. In Alanon, we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.
IN ALANON WE LEARN:
-Not to suffer becaue of the actions or reactions of other people;
-Not to do allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery.
-Not to do for others what they could do for themselves;
-Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, pay bills, not drink;
-Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds;
-Not to create a crisis
-Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allow us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives.
Detachment helps familites look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible.
My son left here yesterday and went out-of-town. Walking into a very bad situation, and admitted knowing the person he was visiting was self-medicating with booze and weed. Sons been sober 1 year. And if I follow my gut feeling, he is drinking again. I saw every sign and indication that he was going too. His quick speech, his jumbled thoughts, lie and actions...But I couldn't stop him from going, nor could I say "don't drink" while there. I couldn't take his car keys from him. I didn't remind him that the money he was using for the trip should have been put toward his bills that were due 3 days ago. As stated above, Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events. I detached. It hurts a little. He's my son, but I know that if I wish and hope for him, my life is put on hold because I'm not focused on my healing.
Sorry this is so long, but I have been working super hard on the detachment issue. And I discovered as long as I wish and wonder about his sobriety, I'm stuck in neutral and can't get myself better.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by freedomcalls
I'm just curious as to whether some people stay in the early or mid stages stages without moving on to later stages of alcoholism.. or is there a sort of inevitable decline, if drinking doesnt stop? Can a change in life circumstances (eg of a partner) help delay any decline?
MY ex AH, who has just left me for another woman, is in the middle stage, I beleive... he is still highly functioning, but HAS to drink he's still in control to the extent he drinks at certain specific times of day (though drinks between 6 and 8 pints of beer, a bottle of wine and usually a double whisky per day...). It had certainly started to affect those around him (me particulalrly) and we had lost friends because of his generally negative moods.
I had really stopped buying in to his drinking. I wasn't objecting to it, but not really sharing in it, and was starting to build up an independent life outside our home (as the only means to cope with the incresing negativity and hostility, and the fact AH could only live confortably if we stuck rigidly to his timetable.. anything other could cause him severe anxiety).
He accuses me now of being the person that drove him to have the affair with the other woman, as I was no longer interested in what he was doing. I guess that's the danger of detachment! He left on Christmas day at my request to go and live with her.
Now, since he's moved out, iIve seen him a few times and he looks much better. I do know he's still going to the pub and drinking, but don't know whether he's drinking as much, or going everyday. Clearly he's no longer got the strain of leading a double life with me and his mistress (one of my best friends), and no longer worrying about how and when to tell me/leave me, so maybe the need to drink is lessened.
Is it possible that the change in life circumstances will help him to regain some more control.. or is it inevitable that he will continue the decline if he continues to rely on alcohol to avoid problems? I hope in some ways its the former, so something good can come out of the situation.
MY ex AH, who has just left me for another woman, is in the middle stage, I beleive... he is still highly functioning, but HAS to drink he's still in control to the extent he drinks at certain specific times of day (though drinks between 6 and 8 pints of beer, a bottle of wine and usually a double whisky per day...). It had certainly started to affect those around him (me particulalrly) and we had lost friends because of his generally negative moods.
I had really stopped buying in to his drinking. I wasn't objecting to it, but not really sharing in it, and was starting to build up an independent life outside our home (as the only means to cope with the incresing negativity and hostility, and the fact AH could only live confortably if we stuck rigidly to his timetable.. anything other could cause him severe anxiety).
He accuses me now of being the person that drove him to have the affair with the other woman, as I was no longer interested in what he was doing. I guess that's the danger of detachment! He left on Christmas day at my request to go and live with her.
Now, since he's moved out, iIve seen him a few times and he looks much better. I do know he's still going to the pub and drinking, but don't know whether he's drinking as much, or going everyday. Clearly he's no longer got the strain of leading a double life with me and his mistress (one of my best friends), and no longer worrying about how and when to tell me/leave me, so maybe the need to drink is lessened.
Is it possible that the change in life circumstances will help him to regain some more control.. or is it inevitable that he will continue the decline if he continues to rely on alcohol to avoid problems? I hope in some ways its the former, so something good can come out of the situation.
I am so sorry. With all but a few "twists" our stories are the same.
HOW can he be involved with OW.......all I can think is the boost to the ego is what fuels his effort to "act normal". It is a double-blow. UGH!
Good luck to you. I can not offer any advice; but I will gladly take some,too!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by freedomcalls
Actually, Clancy, thats probably my main concern (him running back home, that is)! Do I sound cold hearted? Actaully then maybe I am.. I've really had enough. ... but then end up when i think about this getting myself in knots of contradictory emotions of "i love him" and therefore i "should" have him back and try and be there for him..... and "i have had enough" and even if that means he goes off and kills himself, I am not going to take him back. ARGHHHH
I realised a couple of days ago, when he called round to the house to pick up some papers, that if he wanted to come back I would not be happy (UNDERSTATEMENT!!). In fact my stomach lurched like a cross between fear/terror and nausea at the thought. Guess i need to work on strengthening my barriers and independence so i will be prepared if and when it happens to be strong enough to say no.
So I guess i am hoping he "recovers" - at least untill i am well out of his life.
I realised a couple of days ago, when he called round to the house to pick up some papers, that if he wanted to come back I would not be happy (UNDERSTATEMENT!!). In fact my stomach lurched like a cross between fear/terror and nausea at the thought. Guess i need to work on strengthening my barriers and independence so i will be prepared if and when it happens to be strong enough to say no.
So I guess i am hoping he "recovers" - at least untill i am well out of his life.
But I still hate this.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 11
Pheww. this is difficult...
Yes. I did. Very interesting. Also reading "alcohol a love story" and awaiting the beattie codependence book. But, having said that, I'm now wondering whether my energy focus on trying to make sense of it all is wrong. Maybe i should just be focussing on me, exercise, spiritual healing etc...... is going to alanon just going to make me dwell on whats happened, and what's now happening with him???
I've just come back from a lovely supper with people in my village who I haven't eaten with before, and who invited me round when they heard about our break up. AH had always despised them in some sort of odd way.. they are quite well off with big house etc. and i think he resented them as a matter of principle without ever getting to know them at all. I didnt know them well either, but we had a delightful evening.. apart from a short while just filling them in on what happend we spent the evening in conversation, talking about all sorts of things from death of mothers to horses, and very little on AH..... and I realised at the end that I felt totally relaxed. More so than I have felt whilst round at others' for supper for many years. No worries about whether AH would want to leave early, or be antisocial or rude in his behaviour to the extent i would make excuses for him to keep up social appearances (no I'm not Hyacinth Bucket, honest guv). This seems very healing.... just actually being myself, and taking others just as they come.
I'm having conversations with him because his office is still in my house! He's busy setting up a new office but still awaiting the phone company to arrange the line for the computer. He's not now accusing me of anything. In fact he is being sweetness and light and offering lots of help - bizarre as he hasnt done this for at least two years.
.I don't understand what this mean? Gets well so you can get out of his life...What happens if he doesn't recover? Does that mean you're going to stick around hoping he'll "get better"? .
No.. think this is probably a UK slang problem... what I meant was I hope that he stays capable/competent at least untill I have had time to sort out and sell the house (in joint names and to which he has a claim, including marital rights to move back in under UK law) and set myself up independently, strengthened my psychological barriers etc. I'm not sticking around at all... in fact quite the opposite. Just worried about his rights under the law....
Originally Posted by gelfling
Congrats on going to your first meeting. Did you pick up the pamphlets? Keep going and find others to attend.
I've just come back from a lovely supper with people in my village who I haven't eaten with before, and who invited me round when they heard about our break up. AH had always despised them in some sort of odd way.. they are quite well off with big house etc. and i think he resented them as a matter of principle without ever getting to know them at all. I didnt know them well either, but we had a delightful evening.. apart from a short while just filling them in on what happend we spent the evening in conversation, talking about all sorts of things from death of mothers to horses, and very little on AH..... and I realised at the end that I felt totally relaxed. More so than I have felt whilst round at others' for supper for many years. No worries about whether AH would want to leave early, or be antisocial or rude in his behaviour to the extent i would make excuses for him to keep up social appearances (no I'm not Hyacinth Bucket, honest guv). This seems very healing.... just actually being myself, and taking others just as they come.
Originally Posted by gelfling
Makes me wonder why you're still having conversations with him if he's accusing you of making him go to another woman and you get physically ill thinking about him moving back. Detachment comes into play with situations like this. Let Go and Let God.
Originally Posted by gelfling
Originally Posted by freedom calls
So I guess i am hoping he "recovers" - at least untill i am well out of his life
No.. think this is probably a UK slang problem... what I meant was I hope that he stays capable/competent at least untill I have had time to sort out and sell the house (in joint names and to which he has a claim, including marital rights to move back in under UK law) and set myself up independently, strengthened my psychological barriers etc. I'm not sticking around at all... in fact quite the opposite. Just worried about his rights under the law....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
[QUOTE=freedomcalls]
Yes. I did. Very interesting. Also reading "alcohol a love story" and awaiting the beattie codependence book. But, having said that, I'm now wondering whether my energy focus on trying to make sense of it all is wrong. Maybe i should just be focussing on me, exercise, spiritual healing etc...... is going to alanon just going to make me dwell on whats happened, and what's now happening with him???
This is my story, too. But only 18 years lol. I also have read these books, as well as Under the Influence. I attend open AA meetings as well as Al-Anon and I have attended medical lectures on addiction. I thought I was focusing on the wrong things, too, until I realized it was helping me. Because I understand the disease so much more now, I am able to understand not only AH but myself. Al-Anon has helped enormously - you will find in time that you dwell less and less on what happened and more and more on what your life can be.
Good luck to you.
Yes. I did. Very interesting. Also reading "alcohol a love story" and awaiting the beattie codependence book. But, having said that, I'm now wondering whether my energy focus on trying to make sense of it all is wrong. Maybe i should just be focussing on me, exercise, spiritual healing etc...... is going to alanon just going to make me dwell on whats happened, and what's now happening with him???
This is my story, too. But only 18 years lol. I also have read these books, as well as Under the Influence. I attend open AA meetings as well as Al-Anon and I have attended medical lectures on addiction. I thought I was focusing on the wrong things, too, until I realized it was helping me. Because I understand the disease so much more now, I am able to understand not only AH but myself. Al-Anon has helped enormously - you will find in time that you dwell less and less on what happened and more and more on what your life can be.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi there, freedomcalls! I just wanted to welcome a fellow Brit (there are a few of us here!) to the board and to say that I think you are coping wonderfully with all of this stuff. Your evening out sounds like just what you needed. I understand your concerns about Al-anon and keeping stuck in the past, but I have found meetings to be all about ME and MY healing and very little about the alcoholic. I say give it a go so that you get to understand what has happened and then make a decision.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I'm just curious as to whether some people stay in the early or mid stages stages without moving on to later stages of alcoholism.. or is there a sort of inevitable decline, if drinking doesnt stop? Can a change in life circumstances (eg of a partner) help delay any decline?
I believe also that a change in life cirumstances can possibly help delay a decline temporarily - just as I believe also that a change in life circumstance can also have the effect of speeding up the decline. All just depends on that life change and the individual A.
And I believe that by an A continuing to drink (this is an addict actively using their drug of choice ya know), eventually it will progress. We know that not all A's are the exact same - some rapidly decline faster than others, one's bottom may different for one than it will be for another - just as one person's physical image may change more drastic than others and someone's health may decline faster than someone else's.
I guess I'm just saying that each A declines at their own rate.
I remember the days of my (seperated) ah actively using. I remember I could tell when he was drinking alot by his skin color & tone. I also remember the many many times that he'd go into what I termed as "suck up mode" and he'd do well at staying sober for awhile. (Of course, my ah was a binger so it wasn't really so hard for him to miss a day as it would be for someone that drank every day). My point, I guess, is that for awhile, when an A wants to prove something or is faced with a reality check of their own kind, it does seem they can "maintain" themselves for awhile before they go crashing into the real them again.
I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. Take what you want and leave the rest. But hopefully you will take the fact that you were never to blame for his drinking - and we are all here for you!
Sending you lots of hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
Sorry you have been treated this way, but in a way it might be a blessing in the long run.
It will catch up to him. Maybe he has cut back, but in time a true alcoholic cannot control their drinking.
It will catch up to him. Maybe he has cut back, but in time a true alcoholic cannot control their drinking.
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