Did I process this right? (Oh dear, it's long)
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Did I process this right? (Oh dear, it's long)
I was in a session all yesterday, but my H called several times during it. I couldn't imagine what has happening that necessitated so many phone calls. When I could finally check my messages, I get this one...
"Hey, uh, call me if you get a chance. I just wanted to tell you I know I've been really messin' up, and I'm gonna go see a counselor so... I don't mean to depress your or make you mad or worry or anything. I need to be better for you. K? I love you. Bye."
Naturally, I'm perplexed. What precipitated this??? I know the night before he showed up about 1:30 a.m. without his car...I thought maybe he'd decided that was enough. When I saw him after work, he said that his parents had stopped by to talk to him, and that he agreed to go see a counselor. I'll be honest, my very first reaction (that I contained by the way) was why on earth did he listen to them but he wouldn't listen to me???? I've been trying to get through to him forever!!! This was all exacerbated by the fact that a few nights before, his mom told me in not so many words that she thought I wasn't doing enough to help him get better ("because you're just so sweet, I figured you were just letting him get away with drinking without trying to stop him", which is a whole other story clearly).
Trying to be level-headed, I decided if he was really serious then I would be a bigger person and not care how it happened. So I asked what happened. He said, "well my parents stopped by, they got a call last night from someone who saw me drunk. They are worried about my drinking, so I'm going to go see a counselor." He emphasized the word counselor and said it very gravely. I was starting to doubt everything. Me, very nicely - "What are you planning to accomplish?" Him - "Well, if they can help me with stress relief, I wouldn't drink so much." Me - "So are your intentions to stop drinking or reduce?" Him - "Well, I'm just going to see what they say. If they say I need to stop, I will." Hmmmm.... Me - "Have you already made an appointment?" Him - "No, I meant to, but I got busy." Double hmmm..... Me - "You are only going to get out of it what you put into it. Misrepresenting yourself won't help anything. I know you are expecting me to jump for joy right now, but I must say, actions speak louder than words. So we'll see what happens." Here's the real kicker...he went and opened a beer. Followed by three more.
So first of all, I wonder if he'll ever make it to his *said very seriously* counselor. If he does, I wonder how much truth he'll share. If I've learned correctly, the addicted brain who isn't ready to quit will not portray an accurate picture in order to protect the addiction, right? He doesn't seem like a man ready to quit, but rather a man who was trying to make his parents think all was well during what was already a remorseful period. Maybe I've underestimated him. I hate that I've become a pessimest about all of this. Self-preservation I suppose. I guess there's always the chance that some words his counselor might say could sink in. If they're any good at all, they should know that if he's there about drinking, he's probably not just your casual drinker. Even if one or two points sunk in, it would be better than nothing. I guess any step in the right direction, no matter the motives, is better than none, right?
"Hey, uh, call me if you get a chance. I just wanted to tell you I know I've been really messin' up, and I'm gonna go see a counselor so... I don't mean to depress your or make you mad or worry or anything. I need to be better for you. K? I love you. Bye."
Naturally, I'm perplexed. What precipitated this??? I know the night before he showed up about 1:30 a.m. without his car...I thought maybe he'd decided that was enough. When I saw him after work, he said that his parents had stopped by to talk to him, and that he agreed to go see a counselor. I'll be honest, my very first reaction (that I contained by the way) was why on earth did he listen to them but he wouldn't listen to me???? I've been trying to get through to him forever!!! This was all exacerbated by the fact that a few nights before, his mom told me in not so many words that she thought I wasn't doing enough to help him get better ("because you're just so sweet, I figured you were just letting him get away with drinking without trying to stop him", which is a whole other story clearly).
Trying to be level-headed, I decided if he was really serious then I would be a bigger person and not care how it happened. So I asked what happened. He said, "well my parents stopped by, they got a call last night from someone who saw me drunk. They are worried about my drinking, so I'm going to go see a counselor." He emphasized the word counselor and said it very gravely. I was starting to doubt everything. Me, very nicely - "What are you planning to accomplish?" Him - "Well, if they can help me with stress relief, I wouldn't drink so much." Me - "So are your intentions to stop drinking or reduce?" Him - "Well, I'm just going to see what they say. If they say I need to stop, I will." Hmmmm.... Me - "Have you already made an appointment?" Him - "No, I meant to, but I got busy." Double hmmm..... Me - "You are only going to get out of it what you put into it. Misrepresenting yourself won't help anything. I know you are expecting me to jump for joy right now, but I must say, actions speak louder than words. So we'll see what happens." Here's the real kicker...he went and opened a beer. Followed by three more.
So first of all, I wonder if he'll ever make it to his *said very seriously* counselor. If he does, I wonder how much truth he'll share. If I've learned correctly, the addicted brain who isn't ready to quit will not portray an accurate picture in order to protect the addiction, right? He doesn't seem like a man ready to quit, but rather a man who was trying to make his parents think all was well during what was already a remorseful period. Maybe I've underestimated him. I hate that I've become a pessimest about all of this. Self-preservation I suppose. I guess there's always the chance that some words his counselor might say could sink in. If they're any good at all, they should know that if he's there about drinking, he's probably not just your casual drinker. Even if one or two points sunk in, it would be better than nothing. I guess any step in the right direction, no matter the motives, is better than none, right?
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Oh my God TG, when did you borrow my brain?
This is a great example of "Women Who Think Too Much".
There are roughly a gabillion things I wonder about that I have absolutely no control over.
If I could see my way to eliminating those thoughts, my head would be a much less complicated place.
And hey, the brain is on loan as long as you want it.
But I suspect you will be returning it right quick once all that noise starts bugging you.
This is a great example of "Women Who Think Too Much".
There are roughly a gabillion things I wonder about that I have absolutely no control over.
If I could see my way to eliminating those thoughts, my head would be a much less complicated place.
And hey, the brain is on loan as long as you want it.
But I suspect you will be returning it right quick once all that noise starts bugging you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Oh, Gabe, I do live in the land of "I wonders" and "what ifs?". Is that a habit I can break? 
Ooooooooooooooohhhh, so that's what all those voices were! Thanks for clearing that up! 
Originally Posted by Gabe
But I suspect you will be returning it right quick once all that noise starts bugging you.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Don't know about breaking the habit TG.
I'm still working on that one.
I call it "script writing" and it's a pointless endeavor.
Because no matter how many "I wonders" and "what ifs" I come up with, I'm not writing this script.
All I can do is play my part to the best of my ability.
I'm still working on that one.
I call it "script writing" and it's a pointless endeavor.
Because no matter how many "I wonders" and "what ifs" I come up with, I'm not writing this script.
All I can do is play my part to the best of my ability.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
"script writing" not good, leave that to the script writer!
Good one Gabe!
Steps in the right direction are always good Texasgirl, you walk your walk; he'll choose his.
Hoping for the right direction for you both (((((((Tgirl)))))))))
Good one Gabe!
Steps in the right direction are always good Texasgirl, you walk your walk; he'll choose his.
Hoping for the right direction for you both (((((((Tgirl)))))))))
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
TexasGirl,
Before I give my 2 cents worth, when you say you were in session, a counselling session for you is that what you mean? He was calling you while you were in session for yourself?
Ngaire
Before I give my 2 cents worth, when you say you were in session, a counselling session for you is that what you mean? He was calling you while you were in session for yourself?
Ngaire
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