Sorry guys....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Burlington Vermont
Posts: 36
Sorry guys....
Guess I was too weak and pathetic to ake all your good advice and I caved and went back to normality with him. Then the day before yesterday he had one beer at home, then yesterday he had to work (on a ski resort) 10-4 or so he said so he couldn't take our son snow boarding "conditions are bad anyway" so what did he do? Worked for a couple of hours, went skiing then to the mtn. bar with his boss....didn't get home until after 7pm where he proceeded to lie to my face..stinking of beer as is friend sat on the couch laughing at him trying to lie to me. Big fight followed of course...then endless rambling about how much he loves me.....and here I am HATING him, making me sick, wishing him dead. Couldn't even go one month.....oh yeah get a load of THAT willpower. Scumbag. He gets mad that I ask him to stop but my life is being ruined by this what gives him the right to treat me this way? He can't even do it for me, or the kids, and he focuses so much on 'how much' he drank, but that's not the point!!!!! That's not the point!!!!! It's the LIES LIES LIES. Then he expects me to wanna go to bed with him...that's the absolute LAST thing I wanna do! UGH GROSS!!!!!
I hate myself for staying, I am so scared of my future with this loser, but I am not strong enough, I'm not and I'm so so scared.
I hate myself for staying, I am so scared of my future with this loser, but I am not strong enough, I'm not and I'm so so scared.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by sarah25
what gives him the right to treat me this way?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 14
I agree with Jazzman. I was raised by an alcoholic mother and it was hell on earth. I have relived my childhood over and over in my adult life.
And while i was with my ex he was just like yours. And still is but to his new enabler and not me.
You need to ask yourself why you wont leave a man you say that you hate and work on changing that. For yourself and your sweet babies.
You do have the strength to do it. Its just buried deep deep down. Imagine if he was abusing the kids. You would find the strength in that situation, so it is definately there somewhere. You just have to find a way to reach in and grab it.
Hugs to you.
And while i was with my ex he was just like yours. And still is but to his new enabler and not me.
You need to ask yourself why you wont leave a man you say that you hate and work on changing that. For yourself and your sweet babies.
You do have the strength to do it. Its just buried deep deep down. Imagine if he was abusing the kids. You would find the strength in that situation, so it is definately there somewhere. You just have to find a way to reach in and grab it.
Hugs to you.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by sarah25
Guess I was too weak and pathetic to ake all your good advice and I caved and went back to normality with him.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WEAK AND PATHETIC! YOU ARE IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION, WANTING A BETTER LIFE FOR YOUR FAMILY BUT DEALING WITH A HUSBAND WHO HAS A DISEASE THAT TEARS FAMILIES APART. ULTIMATELY YOU LOVE THIS MAN OR YOU WOULD NEVER BE WHERE YOU ARE NOW. TRY AND REMEMBER TO LOVE THE PERSON AND ONLY HATE THE DISEASE BECAUSE IT IS THE DISEASE THAT IS BRINGING THE PROBLEMS IN TO YOUR HOME.
Then the day before yesterday he had one beer at home, then yesterday he had to work (on a ski resort) 10-4 or so he said so he couldn't take our son snow boarding "conditions are bad anyway" so what did he do? Worked for a couple of hours, went skiing then to the mtn. bar with his boss.
MY GUESS IS WHEN HE WENT TO WORK HE INTENDED TO WORK THE FULL SHIFT, BUT CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGED. JUST BECAUSE HE DRANK DOESN'T MEAN HE PLANNED TO WHEN HE LEFT THE HOUSE TO GO TO WORK. THEY DO HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO QUITTING AND THEY REALLY BELIEVE THEY CAN DO IT, THAT IS THE DISEASE LYING TO THEM. THEY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT HELP, BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE IT YET.
...didn't get home until after 7pm where he proceeded to lie to my face.
ALCOHOLICS LIE, WHAT CAN I SAY. AS LONG AS THE DISEASE IS IN CONTROL, HE WILL LIE, THAT IS A FACT AND THERE REALLY ISN'T ANYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. SORRY YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE LIES, I REMEMBER THAT BEING THE WORST PART OF THE DRINKING. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ARE LYING, YOU PROVE TO THEM THAT YOU KNOW THEY ARE LYING AND THEY LIE TO TRY AND COVER THE LIE. JUST KNOW THAT HE WILL LIE AS LONG AS HE CONTINUES TO DRINK AND YOU WILL HAVE TO JUST KNOW THAT YOU CAN NOT TRUST HIM WHILE HIS DISEASE IS ACTIVE.
.stinking of beer as is friend sat on the couch laughing at him trying to lie to me.
NOT SURE IF THIS PERSON IS A FRIEND OR JUST A DRINKING BUDDY.
Big fight followed of course...then endless rambling about how much he loves me.....
MY GUESS IS HE DOES LOVE YOU. I REMEMBER MY HUBBY GOING ON AND ON AND ON TELLING ME HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME WHEN HE WAS DRUNK. SOMETIMES AFTER HE HAD JUST LEFT A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH HIS FEMALE DRINKING COMPANION. DO I THINK HE LOVED ME OR DO I THINK HE WAS LYING.........HE LOVED ME, THE DISEASE HATED ME AND CONTROLED HIM.
and here I am HATING him, making me sick, wishing him dead. Couldn't even go one month.....oh yeah get a load of THAT willpower. Scumbag.
GO AHEAD AND VENT, IT IS GOOD TO GET IT OUT! I REMEMBER SAYING AND FEELING THOSE THINGS TOO. BUT ULTIMATELY I DID LOVE HIM AND JUST WANTED HIM TO SEE THAT AND GET BETTER AND HEALTHY. I WAS LUCKY, MINE HIT HIS BOTTOM AND HAS BEEN SOBER OVER A YEAR.
He gets mad that I ask him to stop but my life is being ruined by this what gives him the right to treat me this way?
I AM SORRY TO SAY, BUT PEOPLE TREAT US THE WAY WE TEACH THEM TO TREAT US. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET HIS DISEASE RUIN YOUR LIFE. PLEASE I BEG YOU, IF YOU ARE NOT ATTENDING AL ANON, GO, GO AS SOON AS AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. IT REALLY WILL HELP YOU. THE PEOPLE THERE, LIKE HERE, UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND IT WILL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND AND LIVE A HAPPIER HEALTHIER LIFE. THAT WILL HELP YOU PRECIOUS CHILDREN LIVE A HAPPIER LIFE ALSO. PLEASE FIND A GOUP AND GO.
He can't even do it for me, or the kids,
HE WILL NEVER DO IT FOR YOU OR THE KIDS, HE WILL AND ONLY CAN DO IT FOR HIMSELF AND, I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, HE CAN'T DO IT ALONE. HE WILL NEED THE HELP OF TREATMENT AND OR AA. BUT YOU CAN'T FORCE HIM TO DO THIS, HE WILL HAVE TO DO IT FOR HIMSELF. MOST HAVE TO HIT BOTTOM BEFORE THEY WILL SEEK HELP AND EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN THRESHOLD FOR BOTTOM. SOME HAVE A VERY LOW BOTTOM AND SOME HAVE A HIGH BOTTOM, BUT HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DECIDE WHAT HIS BOTTOM IS AND WHEN AND IF HE WILL SEEK HELP. YOU MY DEAR CAN NOT HELP HIM, SORRY. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT AND YOU CAN'T CURE IT!
and he focuses so much on 'how much' he drank, but that's not the point!!!!! That's not the point!!!!!
RIGHT NOW, TO HIM IT IS. HE IS ABLE TO JUSTIFY HIS DRINKING IF HE THINKS HE KEEPS THE AMOUNTS WITHIN A REASONABLE LEVEL AND HE CAN KEEP IT WITHIN A REASONABLE LEVEL, HE THINKS, IF HE LIES ABOUT HOW MUCH HE DRINKS TO YOU. THE DISEASE IS CUNNING, POWERFUL AND BAFFLING, NOT ONLY TO YOU, BUT SADLY TO HIM TOO.
It's the LIES LIES LIES.
AGAIN, ACTIVE ALCOHOLICS LIE. JUST KNOW THAT AND LEARN TO EXPECT IT AND DEAL WITH IT AS BEST YOU CAN. THE LYING WON'T STOP AS LONG AS THE DISEASE IS ACTIVE. SORRY.
Then he expects me to wanna go to bed with him...that's the absolute LAST thing I wanna do! UGH GROSS!!!!!
I TO REFUSED TO SLEEP WITH HUBBY WHEN HE WAS DRUNK. I WOULD DO IT AGAIN TODAY TOO EVEN THOUGH HE TURNED TO SOMEONE ELSE WHEN HE WAS DRUNK. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO NOT SUBJECT YOURSELF TO SEXUAL ADVANCES FROM A DRUNK. THAT IS YOUR CHOICE AND THERE IS NOT ONE THING WRONG WITH IT. WHEN HE IS SOBER, MAKE IT CLEAR TO HIM THAT YOU LOVE GOING TO BED WITH HIM WHEN HE IS SOBER, BUT YOU WILL NOT EVER WHEN HE IS DRINKING. MAKE THAT A CLEAR BOUNDRY AND STICK TO IT.
I hate myself for staying, I am so scared of my future with this loser, but I am not strong enough, I'm not and I'm so so scared.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WEAK AND PATHETIC! YOU ARE IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION, WANTING A BETTER LIFE FOR YOUR FAMILY BUT DEALING WITH A HUSBAND WHO HAS A DISEASE THAT TEARS FAMILIES APART. ULTIMATELY YOU LOVE THIS MAN OR YOU WOULD NEVER BE WHERE YOU ARE NOW. TRY AND REMEMBER TO LOVE THE PERSON AND ONLY HATE THE DISEASE BECAUSE IT IS THE DISEASE THAT IS BRINGING THE PROBLEMS IN TO YOUR HOME.
Then the day before yesterday he had one beer at home, then yesterday he had to work (on a ski resort) 10-4 or so he said so he couldn't take our son snow boarding "conditions are bad anyway" so what did he do? Worked for a couple of hours, went skiing then to the mtn. bar with his boss.
MY GUESS IS WHEN HE WENT TO WORK HE INTENDED TO WORK THE FULL SHIFT, BUT CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGED. JUST BECAUSE HE DRANK DOESN'T MEAN HE PLANNED TO WHEN HE LEFT THE HOUSE TO GO TO WORK. THEY DO HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO QUITTING AND THEY REALLY BELIEVE THEY CAN DO IT, THAT IS THE DISEASE LYING TO THEM. THEY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT HELP, BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE IT YET.
...didn't get home until after 7pm where he proceeded to lie to my face.
ALCOHOLICS LIE, WHAT CAN I SAY. AS LONG AS THE DISEASE IS IN CONTROL, HE WILL LIE, THAT IS A FACT AND THERE REALLY ISN'T ANYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. SORRY YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE LIES, I REMEMBER THAT BEING THE WORST PART OF THE DRINKING. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ARE LYING, YOU PROVE TO THEM THAT YOU KNOW THEY ARE LYING AND THEY LIE TO TRY AND COVER THE LIE. JUST KNOW THAT HE WILL LIE AS LONG AS HE CONTINUES TO DRINK AND YOU WILL HAVE TO JUST KNOW THAT YOU CAN NOT TRUST HIM WHILE HIS DISEASE IS ACTIVE.
.stinking of beer as is friend sat on the couch laughing at him trying to lie to me.
NOT SURE IF THIS PERSON IS A FRIEND OR JUST A DRINKING BUDDY.
Big fight followed of course...then endless rambling about how much he loves me.....
MY GUESS IS HE DOES LOVE YOU. I REMEMBER MY HUBBY GOING ON AND ON AND ON TELLING ME HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME WHEN HE WAS DRUNK. SOMETIMES AFTER HE HAD JUST LEFT A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH HIS FEMALE DRINKING COMPANION. DO I THINK HE LOVED ME OR DO I THINK HE WAS LYING.........HE LOVED ME, THE DISEASE HATED ME AND CONTROLED HIM.
and here I am HATING him, making me sick, wishing him dead. Couldn't even go one month.....oh yeah get a load of THAT willpower. Scumbag.
GO AHEAD AND VENT, IT IS GOOD TO GET IT OUT! I REMEMBER SAYING AND FEELING THOSE THINGS TOO. BUT ULTIMATELY I DID LOVE HIM AND JUST WANTED HIM TO SEE THAT AND GET BETTER AND HEALTHY. I WAS LUCKY, MINE HIT HIS BOTTOM AND HAS BEEN SOBER OVER A YEAR.
He gets mad that I ask him to stop but my life is being ruined by this what gives him the right to treat me this way?
I AM SORRY TO SAY, BUT PEOPLE TREAT US THE WAY WE TEACH THEM TO TREAT US. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET HIS DISEASE RUIN YOUR LIFE. PLEASE I BEG YOU, IF YOU ARE NOT ATTENDING AL ANON, GO, GO AS SOON AS AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. IT REALLY WILL HELP YOU. THE PEOPLE THERE, LIKE HERE, UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND IT WILL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND AND LIVE A HAPPIER HEALTHIER LIFE. THAT WILL HELP YOU PRECIOUS CHILDREN LIVE A HAPPIER LIFE ALSO. PLEASE FIND A GOUP AND GO.
He can't even do it for me, or the kids,
HE WILL NEVER DO IT FOR YOU OR THE KIDS, HE WILL AND ONLY CAN DO IT FOR HIMSELF AND, I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, HE CAN'T DO IT ALONE. HE WILL NEED THE HELP OF TREATMENT AND OR AA. BUT YOU CAN'T FORCE HIM TO DO THIS, HE WILL HAVE TO DO IT FOR HIMSELF. MOST HAVE TO HIT BOTTOM BEFORE THEY WILL SEEK HELP AND EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN THRESHOLD FOR BOTTOM. SOME HAVE A VERY LOW BOTTOM AND SOME HAVE A HIGH BOTTOM, BUT HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DECIDE WHAT HIS BOTTOM IS AND WHEN AND IF HE WILL SEEK HELP. YOU MY DEAR CAN NOT HELP HIM, SORRY. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT AND YOU CAN'T CURE IT!
and he focuses so much on 'how much' he drank, but that's not the point!!!!! That's not the point!!!!!
RIGHT NOW, TO HIM IT IS. HE IS ABLE TO JUSTIFY HIS DRINKING IF HE THINKS HE KEEPS THE AMOUNTS WITHIN A REASONABLE LEVEL AND HE CAN KEEP IT WITHIN A REASONABLE LEVEL, HE THINKS, IF HE LIES ABOUT HOW MUCH HE DRINKS TO YOU. THE DISEASE IS CUNNING, POWERFUL AND BAFFLING, NOT ONLY TO YOU, BUT SADLY TO HIM TOO.
It's the LIES LIES LIES.
AGAIN, ACTIVE ALCOHOLICS LIE. JUST KNOW THAT AND LEARN TO EXPECT IT AND DEAL WITH IT AS BEST YOU CAN. THE LYING WON'T STOP AS LONG AS THE DISEASE IS ACTIVE. SORRY.
Then he expects me to wanna go to bed with him...that's the absolute LAST thing I wanna do! UGH GROSS!!!!!
I TO REFUSED TO SLEEP WITH HUBBY WHEN HE WAS DRUNK. I WOULD DO IT AGAIN TODAY TOO EVEN THOUGH HE TURNED TO SOMEONE ELSE WHEN HE WAS DRUNK. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO NOT SUBJECT YOURSELF TO SEXUAL ADVANCES FROM A DRUNK. THAT IS YOUR CHOICE AND THERE IS NOT ONE THING WRONG WITH IT. WHEN HE IS SOBER, MAKE IT CLEAR TO HIM THAT YOU LOVE GOING TO BED WITH HIM WHEN HE IS SOBER, BUT YOU WILL NOT EVER WHEN HE IS DRINKING. MAKE THAT A CLEAR BOUNDRY AND STICK TO IT.
I hate myself for staying, I am so scared of my future with this loser, but I am not strong enough, I'm not and I'm so so scared.
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST AND GO TO AL ANON .....PLEASE!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Sarah, there is a post here by Minnie called "We Teach People How To Treat Us".
In it is the phrase..."If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment."
Food for thought when you're wondering why on that subject.
And you're not weak and pathetic.
You tried something, it didn't work.
Belleruth Naperstak says "Making mistakes means you've been successful at trying things."
A different way to think of it.
So, just for today, you're not strong enough.
That's okay.
What can you do today to get stronger?
One step in the right direction is all it takes to get started.
In it is the phrase..."If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment."
Food for thought when you're wondering why on that subject.
And you're not weak and pathetic.
You tried something, it didn't work.
Belleruth Naperstak says "Making mistakes means you've been successful at trying things."
A different way to think of it.
So, just for today, you're not strong enough.
That's okay.
What can you do today to get stronger?
One step in the right direction is all it takes to get started.
SR helps me thru the day so much
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 14
So glad to be here for you Sarah. 7 months ago I could have written your post. I really hated how i was living but did not have the strength to do anything about it. Had just nursed his mother to her death (at home, no nurses to help) of cancer and had moved from the city to the country to do it. I had no support system in the small town we had moved to, no job, and no self esteem but lots of debt and sadness!
Amazing how bloody fast I found the strength to get him out of my life when he had a one night stand with the town bike!
Anyway, I have been exactly where you have been. It sucks but when you reach saturation point as i did, you will do what is right for you.
Dont beat yourself up about it, its his ****- let him own it. Just take care of you and the kids.
Amazing how bloody fast I found the strength to get him out of my life when he had a one night stand with the town bike!
Anyway, I have been exactly where you have been. It sucks but when you reach saturation point as i did, you will do what is right for you.
Dont beat yourself up about it, its his ****- let him own it. Just take care of you and the kids.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Advice is all well and good.And no you dont have to follow it....smile...Those who gave or have given me advice,and expected that i need follow what they advised,get really mad at me,at times.Thing is though,they are not walking in my shoes.They may have had similar issues,and shares how it all worked out for them.But i need to make my own decisions.I do this,by living in recovery programs.Al-anon is not a program that we tell others how to live.So,no need to feel bad about not following anyones advice.When folks get mad at me for not following their advice,thats an expectaion,that they have of me,that they need to work on.We share,our es-h.
Stay or go.Thing is that wherever we go,there we are,the same person,.Recovery is all about changing ourselves...Keep sharring.Take what ya want from experiences,and leave the rest...As your living in recovery,you WILL,know what is best to do,in your life.And you will become more trusting in what you know..Its great to share,with no demands that you follow,any advice,,even ,the advicewhat ive posted here,,lol
Keep on keeping on!!!!...
Stay or go.Thing is that wherever we go,there we are,the same person,.Recovery is all about changing ourselves...Keep sharring.Take what ya want from experiences,and leave the rest...As your living in recovery,you WILL,know what is best to do,in your life.And you will become more trusting in what you know..Its great to share,with no demands that you follow,any advice,,even ,the advicewhat ive posted here,,lol
Keep on keeping on!!!!...
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
He's an alcoholic, Sarah... don't expect anything different. It has nothing to do with you ... at all.
The only one who is going to watch out for Sarah, is Sarah.
Not all of us can make the "big break" right away, so if you have to start with small boundaries and conditions, that might work best. Maybe no drinking in your home, if you don't like the effects of booze around you. You have the right to take yourself away from drinking situations, so you might always need to take a 2nd car to functions. You have the right to not accept drunken phone calls, so you can take the phone off the hook if he is gone past 4 or 5 pm.
There are folks who can live with active alcoholism... I don't believe I can, but I go to meetings all the time with women who do, AND who live productive, happy lives.
Have you found Alanon meetings, yet? Say about 5 or 6 to start? They have taught me how I can change MY reactions to the alcoholic/addict. I can't change THEM, but I can change ME.
The only one who is going to watch out for Sarah, is Sarah.
Not all of us can make the "big break" right away, so if you have to start with small boundaries and conditions, that might work best. Maybe no drinking in your home, if you don't like the effects of booze around you. You have the right to take yourself away from drinking situations, so you might always need to take a 2nd car to functions. You have the right to not accept drunken phone calls, so you can take the phone off the hook if he is gone past 4 or 5 pm.
There are folks who can live with active alcoholism... I don't believe I can, but I go to meetings all the time with women who do, AND who live productive, happy lives.
Have you found Alanon meetings, yet? Say about 5 or 6 to start? They have taught me how I can change MY reactions to the alcoholic/addict. I can't change THEM, but I can change ME.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by Gabe
So, just for today, you're not strong enough.
That's okay.
What can you do today to get stronger?
One step in the right direction is all it takes to get started.
That's okay.
What can you do today to get stronger?
One step in the right direction is all it takes to get started.
Sorry you're feeling down. I think Gabe said it the very best. It is okay that you're not strong enough today. Don't be so hard on yourself...you just might surprise yourself someday.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Sorry, got to echo Jazzman, you are giving him the right to do it to you and your kids.
The power to change is in us for us, and it's not about changing them it's about taking care of ourselves.
Ngaire
The power to change is in us for us, and it's not about changing them it's about taking care of ourselves.
Ngaire
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