My alcoholic thinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
My alcoholic thinking
I love my son with a full and complete heart. You guys know this, Ive shared about him here before.
But yesterday, I didnt want to have him anywhere around me. He did not do anything at all to me, I was not angry one bit with him. I just wanted to do my own thing, be free to come and go, hit meetings, friends, just all the things I wanted for my own enjoyment.
He was home from school, loves to play on computer and video games, enjoys being lazy.
So, my mind told me he would be fine home all day, doing what he likes. I came home once, to find him still in his pajamas (2pm) and I didnt care. I dreded that I had to make his lunch, I couldnt wait for him to go back to his game playing. I kept thinking "this is not right, why do I want him to go away from me, why dont I have the desire to hang out with him on a day off?".
It hit me that I was having extreme self centered thinking.Like the alcoholic. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted no one to interfere with it. No lunch making, no fun spending time with him, no-nothing.
I kept telling myself that he is having fun without me, doesnt need me to hang with him, doesnt want me to hang with him. I thought he is old enough to make his own lunch, its ok if he eats junk food. I was RATIONALIZING away my choice to be self centered!!!
I just did not want him or anyone to mess up all the things I wanted to do.
I was only slightly aware of it while it was happening, but I would brush it aside (Minimizing) and say "hey, Ive never done this to him before" and " Im the only parent he has and Ive done so much for him, its ok to have my own time".
Does this sound familar to what we read about how alcoholics want nothing and no one but their drink and they dont care who gets hurt or in the way?
I was in total disease, warped thinking.....it scared the crap outta me, and I dont want it to ever return.
But yesterday, I didnt want to have him anywhere around me. He did not do anything at all to me, I was not angry one bit with him. I just wanted to do my own thing, be free to come and go, hit meetings, friends, just all the things I wanted for my own enjoyment.
He was home from school, loves to play on computer and video games, enjoys being lazy.
So, my mind told me he would be fine home all day, doing what he likes. I came home once, to find him still in his pajamas (2pm) and I didnt care. I dreded that I had to make his lunch, I couldnt wait for him to go back to his game playing. I kept thinking "this is not right, why do I want him to go away from me, why dont I have the desire to hang out with him on a day off?".
It hit me that I was having extreme self centered thinking.Like the alcoholic. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted no one to interfere with it. No lunch making, no fun spending time with him, no-nothing.
I kept telling myself that he is having fun without me, doesnt need me to hang with him, doesnt want me to hang with him. I thought he is old enough to make his own lunch, its ok if he eats junk food. I was RATIONALIZING away my choice to be self centered!!!
I just did not want him or anyone to mess up all the things I wanted to do.
I was only slightly aware of it while it was happening, but I would brush it aside (Minimizing) and say "hey, Ive never done this to him before" and " Im the only parent he has and Ive done so much for him, its ok to have my own time".
Does this sound familar to what we read about how alcoholics want nothing and no one but their drink and they dont care who gets hurt or in the way?
I was in total disease, warped thinking.....it scared the crap outta me, and I dont want it to ever return.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
FOB...Don't be so hard on yourself....
I have this feeling many days....
I also feel guilty over it and I am also aware of it.
I'm not sure that an alcoholic is guilty or aware....
It is hard being a single parent.
Even though my boys have an "normal" father
that helps with them a lot, it is still overwehlming.
The parent in which the children reside has the bulk
of the responsiblility. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, taxi driver, the
list goes on and on.
You are a wonderful mom, don't ever forget it....
I have this feeling many days....
I also feel guilty over it and I am also aware of it.
I'm not sure that an alcoholic is guilty or aware....
It is hard being a single parent.
Even though my boys have an "normal" father
that helps with them a lot, it is still overwehlming.
The parent in which the children reside has the bulk
of the responsiblility. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, taxi driver, the
list goes on and on.
You are a wonderful mom, don't ever forget it....
1000 Post Club
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Oh for sure, I allow myself plenty of "me" time. That is a priority. I know I did him no harm by letting him do his own thing yesterday.
What scared me is the selfish thinking...the "i could care less" mind set. Because if that were to become a routine, daily thing, I WOULD damage him.
Im not fearful Im becoming an alkie, Id have to start drinking for that, Im fearful of how similar my disease is to alcoholism.
What scared me is the selfish thinking...the "i could care less" mind set. Because if that were to become a routine, daily thing, I WOULD damage him.
Im not fearful Im becoming an alkie, Id have to start drinking for that, Im fearful of how similar my disease is to alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
give yourself a break FOB - you're not thinking like this all the time, right? you recognized it and by doing so exhibit healthier thinking than an alcoholic. you said you've had a rough go for a bit. i think you're being too rough on yourself and reading more into this than normal human feelings.
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