New here.. intro
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 11
New here.. intro
Hi
I've just joined. I posted this on the new members forum but thought I'd repost here in the appropriate place
I've been together/married to an alcoholic for 24 years.... (WHY, Oh WHY??)
In recent years, i have grown much more detached from him, and started to live my own life, but also got very depressed about the loniness of my marriage, about making excuses for my OH, about being gradually abandoined by friends, and about the gradual decline of our social life as OH became grumpier and more controlling.
Over the last year, I've been increasingly living a life of "quiet desperation" as OH has got more and more angry, controlling and disparaging of me. He is a highly functioning drunk who is holding down a good job.. he seems to be able to control his drinking by controlling everything in his life. First drink MUST be at 1.00pm - 3 pints in the pub. Then he MUST go back to the pub at 6pm for another 3-4 pints; Meal must be ready soon after he comes back ... accompanying it he must have a bottle or more of red wine (and I must have made sure we had this in stock) He MUST watch TV- the programmes he want's to watch.. (huge sulks if i insisted on watching something different) and then maybe a couple of double whiskies as a nightcap.
This increased level of control was also accompanied by a good deal of passive agression. It seemed I could do nothing right. It now transpires he had another woman (one of my close friends) - somehow he had to make me out to be a worthless, money grabbing person to justify running off with her. I asked him to leave (which he did on Christmas day)..
I'm now picking up the pieces. As well as feeling a whole deal of grief, I also have a growing sense of relief... and the depression seems to be lifting. I might still feel torn apart limb from limb, but no longer in the quiet grey deadening fog. Trying to fathom out why on earth I put up with this for so long..... and hoping to learn enough so i don't make the same mistakes again (though just right now I think I'll stick to my dogs.. much more reliable and less trouble!)
I've just joined. I posted this on the new members forum but thought I'd repost here in the appropriate place
I've been together/married to an alcoholic for 24 years.... (WHY, Oh WHY??)
In recent years, i have grown much more detached from him, and started to live my own life, but also got very depressed about the loniness of my marriage, about making excuses for my OH, about being gradually abandoined by friends, and about the gradual decline of our social life as OH became grumpier and more controlling.
Over the last year, I've been increasingly living a life of "quiet desperation" as OH has got more and more angry, controlling and disparaging of me. He is a highly functioning drunk who is holding down a good job.. he seems to be able to control his drinking by controlling everything in his life. First drink MUST be at 1.00pm - 3 pints in the pub. Then he MUST go back to the pub at 6pm for another 3-4 pints; Meal must be ready soon after he comes back ... accompanying it he must have a bottle or more of red wine (and I must have made sure we had this in stock) He MUST watch TV- the programmes he want's to watch.. (huge sulks if i insisted on watching something different) and then maybe a couple of double whiskies as a nightcap.
This increased level of control was also accompanied by a good deal of passive agression. It seemed I could do nothing right. It now transpires he had another woman (one of my close friends) - somehow he had to make me out to be a worthless, money grabbing person to justify running off with her. I asked him to leave (which he did on Christmas day)..
I'm now picking up the pieces. As well as feeling a whole deal of grief, I also have a growing sense of relief... and the depression seems to be lifting. I might still feel torn apart limb from limb, but no longer in the quiet grey deadening fog. Trying to fathom out why on earth I put up with this for so long..... and hoping to learn enough so i don't make the same mistakes again (though just right now I think I'll stick to my dogs.. much more reliable and less trouble!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by freedomcalls
Hi
I've just joined. I posted this on the new members forum but thought I'd repost here in the appropriate place
I've been together/married to an alcoholic for 24 years.... (WHY, Oh WHY??)
In recent years, i have grown much more detached from him, and started to live my own life, but also got very depressed about the loniness of my marriage, about making excuses for my OH, about being gradually abandoined by friends, and about the gradual decline of our social life as OH became grumpier and more controlling.
Over the last year, I've been increasingly living a life of "quiet desperation" as OH has got more and more angry, controlling and disparaging of me. He is a highly functioning drunk who is holding down a good job.. he seems to be able to control his drinking by controlling everything in his life. First drink MUST be at 1.00pm - 3 pints in the pub. Then he MUST go back to the pub at 6pm for another 3-4 pints; Meal must be ready soon after he comes back ... accompanying it he must have a bottle or more of red wine (and I must have made sure we had this in stock) He MUST watch TV- the programmes he want's to watch.. (huge sulks if i insisted on watching something different) and then maybe a couple of double whiskies as a nightcap.
This increased level of control was also accompanied by a good deal of passive agression. It seemed I could do nothing right. It now transpires he had another woman (one of my close friends) - somehow he had to make me out to be a worthless, money grabbing person to justify running off with her. I asked him to leave (which he did on Christmas day)..
I'm now picking up the pieces. As well as feeling a whole deal of grief, I also have a growing sense of relief... and the depression seems to be lifting. I might still feel torn apart limb from limb, but no longer in the quiet grey deadening fog. Trying to fathom out why on earth I put up with this for so long..... and hoping to learn enough so i don't make the same mistakes again (though just right now I think I'll stick to my dogs.. much more reliable and less trouble!)
I've just joined. I posted this on the new members forum but thought I'd repost here in the appropriate place
I've been together/married to an alcoholic for 24 years.... (WHY, Oh WHY??)
In recent years, i have grown much more detached from him, and started to live my own life, but also got very depressed about the loniness of my marriage, about making excuses for my OH, about being gradually abandoined by friends, and about the gradual decline of our social life as OH became grumpier and more controlling.
Over the last year, I've been increasingly living a life of "quiet desperation" as OH has got more and more angry, controlling and disparaging of me. He is a highly functioning drunk who is holding down a good job.. he seems to be able to control his drinking by controlling everything in his life. First drink MUST be at 1.00pm - 3 pints in the pub. Then he MUST go back to the pub at 6pm for another 3-4 pints; Meal must be ready soon after he comes back ... accompanying it he must have a bottle or more of red wine (and I must have made sure we had this in stock) He MUST watch TV- the programmes he want's to watch.. (huge sulks if i insisted on watching something different) and then maybe a couple of double whiskies as a nightcap.
This increased level of control was also accompanied by a good deal of passive agression. It seemed I could do nothing right. It now transpires he had another woman (one of my close friends) - somehow he had to make me out to be a worthless, money grabbing person to justify running off with her. I asked him to leave (which he did on Christmas day)..
I'm now picking up the pieces. As well as feeling a whole deal of grief, I also have a growing sense of relief... and the depression seems to be lifting. I might still feel torn apart limb from limb, but no longer in the quiet grey deadening fog. Trying to fathom out why on earth I put up with this for so long..... and hoping to learn enough so i don't make the same mistakes again (though just right now I think I'll stick to my dogs.. much more reliable and less trouble!)
Glad you found this place. I am back to bed in a minute, so I will not say much more now but I did want to say hello and welcome. Our stories are so very similar............UGH.
Looking forward to "talking" to you later. Good advice will be coming soon from lots of fine people. Take care of yourself.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Welcome To Sr!!! I am very sorry that u are going through this awful time. After 24 years of marriage, an affair must have been a terrible hurt especially with a close friend. Well, all I can suggest is it is time to focus on you. Be your own best friend!!! Take long hot baths, read a book, paint your toe nails, you get the idea. About 18 years ago I lived with a controlling man, he was very demanding too. Your husband did not deserve such a kind wife who would cook all his meals by the clock. You babied him for too long now it is time to baby yourself. I can imagine that after 24 years it maybe hard to deal with this change but now is "your time & your turn" to be #1. Try to find an al-anon meeting near u, you will find alot of support and kindness there and keep coming back here too. Just know u are not alone in this struggle, we are here to listen and understand. Sending hugs out to the UK!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Hello and welcome FREEDOM :-)
There is this lady, a wonderful author. Her name is Melodie Beattie. She has been in our shoes as well as the other side too. She has a book called "The Language of Letting Go." (also other good books such as "codependent no more" - which I also highly recommend).
In this book, The Language of Letting Go, there is a section called "Trust the Timing of Your Lessons" and that helps much with the "why did I put up with" part.
So sorry about the ex and the "friend" (GRRRRR). Anyway you're among friends here who understand and are here for support. Alanon is also a good place to go (an "in person" place) for support and learning.
Hang in there, never quit striving for freedom
((hugs))
There is this lady, a wonderful author. Her name is Melodie Beattie. She has been in our shoes as well as the other side too. She has a book called "The Language of Letting Go." (also other good books such as "codependent no more" - which I also highly recommend).
In this book, The Language of Letting Go, there is a section called "Trust the Timing of Your Lessons" and that helps much with the "why did I put up with" part.
So sorry about the ex and the "friend" (GRRRRR). Anyway you're among friends here who understand and are here for support. Alanon is also a good place to go (an "in person" place) for support and learning.
Hang in there, never quit striving for freedom
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
welcome freedomcalls
i loved that sentence! you've made a good start on the recovery road - because you want to learn and not repeat history. my husband passed away 4 1/2 months ago to the direct results of his drinking and downward spiral. i too don't want to "repeat history". what the others have posted above is excellent information for understanding why we put up with unacceptable behavior. come back and post anytime - when you are sad, angry, lonely. this site is chock full of good information and lots of great folks who will share.
I might still feel torn apart limb from limb, but no longer in the quiet grey deadening fog.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 11
Hi all
I've got a copy of "codependent no more" in train with amazon already. Is it worth also buying the other one?
I was lying in bed this morning thinking about the feelings.
. I feel like I'm sort of still attached to my AH by some sort of invisible thread or cord..... and somehow need to find a way to cut it, so i don't feel or react to his emotions quite so much.. Let me explain by an example. He is still coming to the house some mornings as he works from home and is in the process of setting up a new office at his new woman's house, but is having problems getting phone lines installed for the computer. he cam round a couple of days ago in a really bad temper as the phone company hadnt turned up to install the line. He was grumping away and complaining about them (he complains about everything.. Victor Meldrew has nothing on him!). I could feel my stomach go into a knot with anxiety, even though the hostility and bad temper was nothing to do with me. Its as if I'm taking on his feelings somehow....
He has been absolutely awful to live with.. negative, hostile and controlling to me and everyone else. So this feeling of a knotted gut and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells or making myself small just in case the repressed anger is turned on me is a very familiar one. Now he's not around so much I just feel a whole deal better, but i'm aware that its because the source of the negativity has gone. But I'm painfully aware that in me is the capacity to take on board others feelings.. and maybe I need to strengthen my barriers somewhere along the line, so as to not get into the same situation again with another person.
I've got a copy of "codependent no more" in train with amazon already. Is it worth also buying the other one?
I was lying in bed this morning thinking about the feelings.
. I feel like I'm sort of still attached to my AH by some sort of invisible thread or cord..... and somehow need to find a way to cut it, so i don't feel or react to his emotions quite so much.. Let me explain by an example. He is still coming to the house some mornings as he works from home and is in the process of setting up a new office at his new woman's house, but is having problems getting phone lines installed for the computer. he cam round a couple of days ago in a really bad temper as the phone company hadnt turned up to install the line. He was grumping away and complaining about them (he complains about everything.. Victor Meldrew has nothing on him!). I could feel my stomach go into a knot with anxiety, even though the hostility and bad temper was nothing to do with me. Its as if I'm taking on his feelings somehow....
He has been absolutely awful to live with.. negative, hostile and controlling to me and everyone else. So this feeling of a knotted gut and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells or making myself small just in case the repressed anger is turned on me is a very familiar one. Now he's not around so much I just feel a whole deal better, but i'm aware that its because the source of the negativity has gone. But I'm painfully aware that in me is the capacity to take on board others feelings.. and maybe I need to strengthen my barriers somewhere along the line, so as to not get into the same situation again with another person.
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