Are you wondering when the pain stops?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
You definitely gave me something to think about today. I'm trying to decide if staying with my RHA (5months, I think). I don't know if I have anything left to give. Now, he's ready to try and I feel burned out from eight years of the insanity that our lives have become.
thanks,
Michelle
thanks,
Michelle
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Albuqureque, NM
Posts: 14
The pain
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child. (It would take much effort for me to think this way, as I have mostly anger towards him).
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold. (It always seems like he hasn't learned his lesson and that he keeps touching that hot stove...but then, so have I, for staying with him...ugh!).
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort. (I don't long to be around him anymore...that stopped long ago...and I do daydream about getting away, LOTS...we haven't made love in forver b/c I can't bring myself to share that kind of thing with him when there's absolutely no trust or intimacy in the rest of our relationship....and it's true; I can't count on his arms for comfort, as he only brings me more pain...I am alone).
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss. (Surely feels like a curse cuz I can't see the blessing....I haven't felt bliss in what feels like forever).
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know. (*Sigh*)
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work. (Forving is hard stuff to do, especially when ya think you're just getting over one thing, only to be constantly hit with yet another).
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth. (There's an eye-opener! For a long time, it felt like *I* was doing something wrong...that if I just became perfect enough in every way, that he'd be better and okay and life would be grand...what a load of **** on my part!).
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become. (I've hit my 'rock bottom'...I don't see how it can be any worse than it is...so that means it can only get better, right?)
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart. (The first part of this kinda hurts b/c I've given up so much and much of myself for this relationship...to think that I might not even have been truly loved sort of feels like a knife in the heart...but it's true; I gotta accept it and carry it with me in a positive way so that I won't allow it to happen again.).
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold. (It always seems like he hasn't learned his lesson and that he keeps touching that hot stove...but then, so have I, for staying with him...ugh!).
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort. (I don't long to be around him anymore...that stopped long ago...and I do daydream about getting away, LOTS...we haven't made love in forver b/c I can't bring myself to share that kind of thing with him when there's absolutely no trust or intimacy in the rest of our relationship....and it's true; I can't count on his arms for comfort, as he only brings me more pain...I am alone).
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss. (Surely feels like a curse cuz I can't see the blessing....I haven't felt bliss in what feels like forever).
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know. (*Sigh*)
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work. (Forving is hard stuff to do, especially when ya think you're just getting over one thing, only to be constantly hit with yet another).
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth. (There's an eye-opener! For a long time, it felt like *I* was doing something wrong...that if I just became perfect enough in every way, that he'd be better and okay and life would be grand...what a load of **** on my part!).
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become. (I've hit my 'rock bottom'...I don't see how it can be any worse than it is...so that means it can only get better, right?)
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart. (The first part of this kinda hurts b/c I've given up so much and much of myself for this relationship...to think that I might not even have been truly loved sort of feels like a knife in the heart...but it's true; I gotta accept it and carry it with me in a positive way so that I won't allow it to happen again.).
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2
You definitely gave me something to think about today. I'm trying to decide if staying with my RHA (5months, I think). I don't know if I have anything left to give. Now, he's ready to try and I feel burned out from eight years of the insanity that our lives have become.
thanks,
Michelle
thanks,
Michelle
Can I ask you how you're going about making the decision?
I'm so scared of making the wrong choice.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3
when the pain stops
My son is almost 33 and he is my only child. When he turned 16 and took his first drink, he was immediately an alcoholic. He dabbles in drugs too.
For several months we have been estranged and that seems to be the only way I can live now. To be around him is pain. The only thing I associate with him now is pain.
I see his picture in the living room and I see the little toddler who once told me he wanted to marry me when he grew up.
Visionary
For several months we have been estranged and that seems to be the only way I can live now. To be around him is pain. The only thing I associate with him now is pain.
I see his picture in the living room and I see the little toddler who once told me he wanted to marry me when he grew up.
Visionary
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi Visionary and welcome
Glad you're here.
It is so painful to remember the alcoholic the way they were before the disease took over. It's painful to watch them slowly kill themselves with alcohol. I'm sorry you have to experience that pain.
Did you want to start a new thread so people can get to know you?
What has helped me has been Al-Anon, individual therapy, learning everything I could about the disease - you can start with the stickys at the top of the forum - and coming here to SR. I also attend open AA meetings. In my area, there are a few Al-Anon meetings that are specifically tailored to parents. You might want to look into that. You don't have to be alone in this.
Please keep posting - glad you are here.
Glad you're here.
It is so painful to remember the alcoholic the way they were before the disease took over. It's painful to watch them slowly kill themselves with alcohol. I'm sorry you have to experience that pain.
Did you want to start a new thread so people can get to know you?
What has helped me has been Al-Anon, individual therapy, learning everything I could about the disease - you can start with the stickys at the top of the forum - and coming here to SR. I also attend open AA meetings. In my area, there are a few Al-Anon meetings that are specifically tailored to parents. You might want to look into that. You don't have to be alone in this.
Please keep posting - glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3
Denny
I really appreciate your response Denny.
I attended Al Anon meetings but now I attend Coda so I have good support.
It is just nice to know that when I am home alone I can come here and express my feelings.
As for learning more about the disease, I am done with that. I am done trying to learn. Now, I want to live my life and be happy.
Thanks again Denny.
Visionary
I attended Al Anon meetings but now I attend Coda so I have good support.
It is just nice to know that when I am home alone I can come here and express my feelings.
As for learning more about the disease, I am done with that. I am done trying to learn. Now, I want to live my life and be happy.
Thanks again Denny.
Visionary
Member
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: SPLENDORA,TX
Posts: 24
This Was Just Sent To Me To Read. And It Is Wonderful. It Gives Me Alot To Think About. And For Me, When I Can Agree With All Of Those, I Think That Is When I Will Be Ready. Right Now I Am Still Confused And Not Sure.
Thank You ))))babs(((( For Sending Me This Link.
Thank You ))))babs(((( For Sending Me This Link.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I understand completely visionary
I'm done learning about it too because I don't care. I might take an interest if my husband were remotely interested in recovery. My husband likes me, but I will always come second to a drink. I can make it complicated but I'd rather just detach. If there were a book that tod me how to make him quit, I'd read it. I can't make him quit and I could probably write a book myself on all the ways I've tried.
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