Need ideas or suggestions
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Norfolk, NE
Posts: 1
Need ideas or suggestions
I am a married father of 2 little girls. My wife, who's parents are both life long alcoholics, and I are currently having marital problems. Three months ago, away on business in Minneapolis, she cheated on me with a stranger she had known only hours. I've spent hours on infidelity message boards and have learned many things. After giving my wife's history of sexual misconduct even prior to our meeting, a guy wrote that I shouldn't be on an infidelity site but an alcohol one. It is now clear as day to me. My wife has always been a faithful and loving wife except when she has been off by herself and drinking. She gets sloppy drunk and does unthinkable things. The next day she tells me right away and is very remorseful. She thinks she is nothing but a screw-up and thats it. She will drink once every month or so. Mainly 1 or 2 drinks, that is what threw me off. Once a year or so she will drink to oblivion, and like this past year that was when she was away from home. This has happened 3 times now in 9 years. Our marriage is about to break. I have given her the opportunity for a fresh start with one condition, an end to drinking when not with myself of friends. She says it's ridiculous but I know it's just because she will not admit to having problems handling alcohol like her parents. Any ideas or suggestions please!!
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Well, I'll admit, in my lifetime I have drunk to oblivion and done some things I wouldn't brag about. But I didn't do it because I was an A or that I had a drinking problem. In looking back I would say I did it because I didn't feel loved, appreciated, really wasn't happy with my life, those sort of things. You might want to question if your wife is really happy. She might say she is but I did too, for a long time. But once I really did become happy (for real), there was a huge difference. I hope what I've said makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I'm with TG - drinking only once a month and then only 1 or 2 drinks would be VERY strange for someone addicted.
I've also drank to oblivion (ehem... all to easy for me, 3 pints does the trick!) mostly by total error 'cos I can't drink for toffee but when I've meant to it's been about something deep inside that hurts.
Have you asked her why she drinks more when she's alone?
I've also drank to oblivion (ehem... all to easy for me, 3 pints does the trick!) mostly by total error 'cos I can't drink for toffee but when I've meant to it's been about something deep inside that hurts.
Have you asked her why she drinks more when she's alone?
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Unless you stand guard over her 24/7 you will not truly know how much she drinks.
Doesnt matter anyhow, what matters if her drinking bothers you. Amount and length of time between drinking episodes doesnt dictate if someone has a drinking problem.
What matters is the behavior.
Doesnt matter anyhow, what matters if her drinking bothers you. Amount and length of time between drinking episodes doesnt dictate if someone has a drinking problem.
What matters is the behavior.
Shay
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Rice, Texas
Posts: 5
Correct me if I am wrong, but do you have to be addicted to alcohol to be an alcoholic? I don't think so. So called dry drunks do not have to have it like an addict does with a physical dependency. Alcohol effects the brain of alcoholic in a way that facilitates abnormal behaviour, isn't that what this lady is doing? I have binged drank, but I have never crossed certain lines. I can drink more than once a month and not be adversely affected. I can drink to passing out and all I get is a headache...isnt that the differnce? Please let me know if I have misunderstood something.
(What is a label anyway? Set boundries, but don't have expectations. You are expecting someone like a diabetic not to have a reaction to sugar when you allow them to have it.
(What is a label anyway? Set boundries, but don't have expectations. You are expecting someone like a diabetic not to have a reaction to sugar when you allow them to have it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: El Cerrito, California
Posts: 580
Your wife is an adult child of alcoholics, who have major abandonment issues. They have their own meetings in Alanon and elsewhere. They have certain behavior flaws, such as feeling more alive in the midst of a crisis, that is learned behavior that helped them cope with ridiculous circumstances. She may also be a periodic alcoholic, which is different than the maintenance types that form the bulk of alcoholics.
What makes an alcoholic is not how much one drinks, but what happens when they do. She certainly could stand being in recovery, but that's a choice she needs to make. You have to deal with you.
What makes an alcoholic is not how much one drinks, but what happens when they do. She certainly could stand being in recovery, but that's a choice she needs to make. You have to deal with you.
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
What makes an alcoholic is not how much one drinks, but what happens when they do
Sorry, but I don't agree. If I did then I would also have to say that at certain points in my life I was an A. I'm not an A and have never been one. But I've gotten drunk, sometimes very drunk and all inhibitions have been lost. And then I did something ... with someone ... and then it was over. Looking back now I can tell you why I did it. Because I was unhappy with my life as it was at the time.
Dlll7079, has she only been unfaithful when she's been away from home on business? By your original post I take it that she's confessed to it 3 times?
Sorry, but I don't agree. If I did then I would also have to say that at certain points in my life I was an A. I'm not an A and have never been one. But I've gotten drunk, sometimes very drunk and all inhibitions have been lost. And then I did something ... with someone ... and then it was over. Looking back now I can tell you why I did it. Because I was unhappy with my life as it was at the time.
Dlll7079, has she only been unfaithful when she's been away from home on business? By your original post I take it that she's confessed to it 3 times?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by dlll7079
I am a married father of 2 little girls. My wife, who's parents are both life long alcoholics, and I are currently having marital problems. Three months ago, away on business in Minneapolis, she cheated on me with a stranger she had known only hours. I've spent hours on infidelity message boards and have learned many things. After giving my wife's history of sexual misconduct even prior to our meeting, a guy wrote that I shouldn't be on an infidelity site but an alcohol one. It is now clear as day to me. My wife has always been a faithful and loving wife except when she has been off by herself and drinking. She gets sloppy drunk and does unthinkable things. The next day she tells me right away and is very remorseful. She thinks she is nothing but a screw-up and thats it. She will drink once every month or so. Mainly 1 or 2 drinks, that is what threw me off. Once a year or so she will drink to oblivion, and like this past year that was when she was away from home. This has happened 3 times now in 9 years. Our marriage is about to break. I have given her the opportunity for a fresh start with one condition, an end to drinking when not with myself of friends. She says it's ridiculous but I know it's just because she will not admit to having problems handling alcohol like her parents. Any ideas or suggestions please!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
from the love,sex or relational matter on relationships & parenting forum here
However, the Love Avoidant doesn't actually enter a true relationship. He is hiding behind a "wall of seduction" that causes the prospective partner to feel special, but in reality the Avoidant is simply role-playing. The Avoidant is contemplating the relationship out of duty, not love. The result is resentment at having to work so hard to be in a relationship in which he really doesn't want to participate. He then uses the anger to justify his escape from the duty-bound relationship.
As self-medication, he seeks high intensity to relieve his boredom and make him feel wonderful. He starts risk-taking behavior such as sexually acting out, gambling with money or his life, drinking, drugging, or work addiction. However, following such behavior, he starts to feel guilty because he is not properly caring for his partner, so he returns out of guilt and restarts the entire avoidant cycle.
Humans tend to be relationally attracted to what is familiar. The Love Addict is attracted to people who are distant and relationally irresponsible, similar to his neglrctful parent/s. The Love Avoidant is compelled to be relational with needy people who put him in a god-like position. It is not unusual to see these two types of people enter into relationships with one another, whereby they often stimulate each other's cycle.
there is much more to this article than this, but when you described what was going on, it made me think of this. you can read the whole thing at the relationship and parenting forum under the heading Love, Sex or Relational Matter. - it is pretty heady though and you may need to back up and take baby steps for "YOUR" recovery process.
As self-medication, he seeks high intensity to relieve his boredom and make him feel wonderful. He starts risk-taking behavior such as sexually acting out, gambling with money or his life, drinking, drugging, or work addiction. However, following such behavior, he starts to feel guilty because he is not properly caring for his partner, so he returns out of guilt and restarts the entire avoidant cycle.
Humans tend to be relationally attracted to what is familiar. The Love Addict is attracted to people who are distant and relationally irresponsible, similar to his neglrctful parent/s. The Love Avoidant is compelled to be relational with needy people who put him in a god-like position. It is not unusual to see these two types of people enter into relationships with one another, whereby they often stimulate each other's cycle.
there is much more to this article than this, but when you described what was going on, it made me think of this. you can read the whole thing at the relationship and parenting forum under the heading Love, Sex or Relational Matter. - it is pretty heady though and you may need to back up and take baby steps for "YOUR" recovery process.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
If alcohol causes a problem, it IS a problem. Please consult the Big Book and it will clarify. Also, we have to remember it is a progressive disease.............to make excuses for this time and that time is a potentially fatal mistake for an alcoholic.
If the person fights the concept of quitting all drinking when it has caused even one major life problem, is IMHO a signal that this is not a casual relationship with the substance.
Anyone who had an extreme allergic reaction to something and then knowingly choose to repeat the same behavior (and would not be encouraged by others to find reasons why the should).
Alcoholism causes problems...problems don't cause it.
Even if it is "only" irresponsible drinking.......why would anyone encourage drinking at all, when it is obvious that there is no telling what the behavior will be once she starts.
Guess I have just heard too many A family members defend a person's "right" to drink; as if it was an inhumane suggestion for a person not to drink alcohol, especially when it caused a problem. Cigarette smokers don't usually get that encouragement, neither are people allergic to any number of things.
JMO
If the person fights the concept of quitting all drinking when it has caused even one major life problem, is IMHO a signal that this is not a casual relationship with the substance.
Anyone who had an extreme allergic reaction to something and then knowingly choose to repeat the same behavior (and would not be encouraged by others to find reasons why the should).
Alcoholism causes problems...problems don't cause it.
Even if it is "only" irresponsible drinking.......why would anyone encourage drinking at all, when it is obvious that there is no telling what the behavior will be once she starts.
Guess I have just heard too many A family members defend a person's "right" to drink; as if it was an inhumane suggestion for a person not to drink alcohol, especially when it caused a problem. Cigarette smokers don't usually get that encouragement, neither are people allergic to any number of things.
JMO
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
... drinking only once a month and then only 1 or 2 drinks would be VERY strange for someone addicted.
Me using "I was drunk" as an excuse/reason for my behavior got old - for me and everyone around me.
Pick-a-name - I think your post is *right on*!! Thank you!
dlll7079 - I highly recommend Al-anon! It's really helped me begin to make sense out of the insanity that has been my life.
(Besides being an A myself, I married one - for a while)
Blessings,
Blue
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Personally I go by the diagnostic criteria's of abuse and dependency. Not that doing that enables me to diagnose or rule anything out, hell this is the internet - even if I was qualified I could do niether over the net!!
What concerns me is that while I agree if alcohol is a problem then it's a problem - the same is true for lots of relationship issues. My only suggestion was that dlll began by asking her why, but then I believe in that - people talking to each other, finding out more information.
I have a genuine concern that something sounds deeply unhappy about this and simply resting on ultimatums may do more to aggrevate than help. I also feel sometimes it's better to be cautious than over confident in telling anyone what we believe is wrong with them or what they should do about it.
None of that means changing personal boundaries about how to be treated in a relationship but if I'm wrong forgive me, it sounded here as though the biggest problem was infedelity.
I honestly think more listening, perhaps relationship counselling, and probably her getting some counselling for past issues will be more helpful than telling her she's alcoholic and her simply denying it. The word to her probably means alot of negative things - ashe grew up with it.
That's all I can offer really.
What concerns me is that while I agree if alcohol is a problem then it's a problem - the same is true for lots of relationship issues. My only suggestion was that dlll began by asking her why, but then I believe in that - people talking to each other, finding out more information.
I have a genuine concern that something sounds deeply unhappy about this and simply resting on ultimatums may do more to aggrevate than help. I also feel sometimes it's better to be cautious than over confident in telling anyone what we believe is wrong with them or what they should do about it.
None of that means changing personal boundaries about how to be treated in a relationship but if I'm wrong forgive me, it sounded here as though the biggest problem was infedelity.
I honestly think more listening, perhaps relationship counselling, and probably her getting some counselling for past issues will be more helpful than telling her she's alcoholic and her simply denying it. The word to her probably means alot of negative things - ashe grew up with it.
That's all I can offer really.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
My husband only drank about once a month as well, but he drank himself into a black out nearly everytime he drank. I thought this was all he drank, but in recovery it was revealed that he drank at least a little nearly everyday.....he was a secret or closet drinker. I had no idea he was doing this as he hid it well.
Could this be the case with your wife. Maintence drinking in secret until she gets the opportunity to tie on a good one???
Just throwing it out as a possiblility as when it was revealed to me in my situation, I was completely surprised.
Could this be the case with your wife. Maintence drinking in secret until she gets the opportunity to tie on a good one???
Just throwing it out as a possiblility as when it was revealed to me in my situation, I was completely surprised.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
IMHO -
you don't have to know *for sure* that someone you love *IS* an alcoholic to be affected by the behaviors.
What matters is that there is alcohol and hurtful behaviors and that you have a desire to learn how to cope in a healthier manner.
That's what these forums are for - that's what Al-anon is for.
In Al-anon I learned that it matters LESS what the alcoholic in my life is doing "to me" and MORE what *I* am doing FOR ME.
It doesn't matter if my brothers and sisters *know* that they have addiction problems, it doesn't matter if my mom *knows* she has major co-dependency issues. NONE of the stuff about my now-X AH matters.
WHY any of them drink doesn't mater.
HOW OFTEN they drink doesn't matter.
WHAT MATTERS is that I KNOW I am affected by someone's drinking.
and I choose to learn a healthier way to deal with their actions.
I cannot 'fix' of change anyone's behavior but MY OWN.
And that IS good enough.
Blessings,
Blue
you don't have to know *for sure* that someone you love *IS* an alcoholic to be affected by the behaviors.
What matters is that there is alcohol and hurtful behaviors and that you have a desire to learn how to cope in a healthier manner.
That's what these forums are for - that's what Al-anon is for.
In Al-anon I learned that it matters LESS what the alcoholic in my life is doing "to me" and MORE what *I* am doing FOR ME.
It doesn't matter if my brothers and sisters *know* that they have addiction problems, it doesn't matter if my mom *knows* she has major co-dependency issues. NONE of the stuff about my now-X AH matters.
WHY any of them drink doesn't mater.
HOW OFTEN they drink doesn't matter.
WHAT MATTERS is that I KNOW I am affected by someone's drinking.
and I choose to learn a healthier way to deal with their actions.
I cannot 'fix' of change anyone's behavior but MY OWN.
And that IS good enough.
Blessings,
Blue
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