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Need Help, very scared

Old 01-07-2006, 02:37 PM
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Need Help, very scared

I have lived and known my boyfriend of 2 years, his father is an alcoholic and he had a hard childhood because of it. I fell in lov with him because he was living a normal life with little drinking, he wanted to have a future, children nd live his life not like his father. Until the last 4 months he was doing just that and we were in a happy loving relationship. We would drink on occation and never durin the week. He never craved or needed alcohol. He has alcoholic behaviors, very stressed, angry - the typical trates of a child of an alcoholic and I was aware of them. The few times he would drink scared me it would end up with him verbally speaking very mean to me and throwing things, slaming doors, yelling at our dog etc... always very sorry the next day not remembering what happend. The last 4 months it has changed. His friends at work that he become closer with are single and go out often and he follows. He is a people pleaser and thinks he can just go for 1 but it is not the case. He drives 25 miles ome drunk in his new Tahoe, which is in my name. At first I would tell im how bad it hurt etc and he would get crazy and scary - then everytime he would come home like that I would leave and go to my moms - got sick of leaving my own home so I would just not say a word. He almost lost his job - because of smelling like alcohol and I just feel like everything has fallen apart so fast. I can't talk to anyone because I am embarrassed that I am in a relationship like this. I have lost all trust and respect for him and that is what I value in a relationship. I don't know how to act or react to him? I don't know if I should stay or leave? He is going to start al-alon next week so that's a start. He does not think he has a problem, he thinks he can just now go out for one, but the problem for me is then I live my life scared. I need him to stop putting value on drinking and he is not at that point.
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Old 01-07-2006, 02:45 PM
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Hi Tully and welcome. Keep coming here to read, vent and reach out for support. And if you get a chance and want to try Alanon I suggest it - and to read the pamphlets, they are all free for you to take home. Support is great and will help you alot because you are surrounded by people who know what you are talking about, understand, and have kind words to help you. You are not alone. The shame, it will slowly melt away with all this support((hugs))
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Old 01-07-2006, 03:14 PM
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Thanks! I guess I'm at the point that I don't want to be affected by this. Until the last week of feeling desperate and looking on the internet for anything, I never even new what al-alon was. I know I should go, but I feel like I'm always thinking about it and can't amagine going to meetings for it. I come from a great family and have always learned to deal and solve problems on my own. I am in denial of my situation. I will go eventually.
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Old 01-07-2006, 03:23 PM
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Thanks!!

I know he should go to AA but I suggested al-alon to him because he does not think he has a drinking problem. He thinks he is in total control and I have know idea how someone at that point will go to AA. I felt like what you said- it is a start and maybe someone other than me can suggest AA.

I am thinking of going to al-alon for myself but honestly I can't come to terms yet of being a girl that needs to go to a support group because I'm with an alcoholic. I am so scared that I have chosen this way of life. All I think about is that I should get out of this now before it gets worse because I can not amagine dealing with this all my life! Problem is I love and forgive him and I know I will be here to support him for a long time.
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Old 01-07-2006, 03:41 PM
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Welcome to SR, Tully. I hope you stick around and have a read what is on here - it is a mine of information, not to mention full of wonderful people.

Originally Posted by TULLY
I need him to stop putting value on drinking
I needed to start putting value on ME, no matter what the alcoholic was doing.

I learned about boundaries here which helped me enormously. I learned that I was worth more than some taking out their frustration on me and using me as a verbal punchbag. I learned that it was OK to stop my then fiance driving my car. I learned that it was OK to want trust and respect in my intimate relationship and to leave if that had gone.

I hope you stick around and settle in.
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Old 01-07-2006, 03:56 PM
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I guess I'm at the point that I don't want to be affected by this.
Too late dear heart. It's a family disease and it affects everyone. That's why alanon would be such a great help for you. Go to several different meetings. I've discovered that they're not all alike, thanks to posts of the good folks here. I'm lucky, my group is tops.

Blessings
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Old 01-07-2006, 04:56 PM
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Kathy,
Since my boyfriend is willing and wants to go to al-alon should we go together or is it best for us to go seperate. I want him to go to AA, but I know he thinks he has no problem and is in control of drinking. I don't know but only can asume that I should not suggest AA to him, he needs to figure out that on his own. When I brought up al-alon he was ok and not threatend by the suggestion. He does need al-alons help from being a child of an alcoholic. He has many issues and traits from his past.

Thanks,
Laura
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Old 01-07-2006, 05:44 PM
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hi tully. you talk about being embarrassed - DON'T BE. i have an alcoholic son who is 38, and has been for about 22 years now. up until maybe 5 years or so ago, i would make up excuses when times got bad, never mention his problem (HIS...HIS...HIS problem), keep everything to myself. however, this is not embarrassing to me, but if to anyone, it should be embarrassing to my son (as of today, it is not yet embarrassing to him at all). he is the one who gets the dui's, he's the one who makes a fool of himself, he's the one that acts like a jerk when he's drunk.....NOT ME. i don't go around broadcasting i have an alcoholic son, but if the situation warrants talking about his problem, i am able to do that.

best of luck with al-anon. i'm about to look for a place in my area for my husband and i to go - we must get help dealing with our feelings about our son. this is no easy task. it does take a toll on the sober ones, that's for sure. we can't let it tho, and that's where we need help - finding how NOT to let it.

my prayers are with you and your guy, hoping you both get the help you need.

jane
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Old 01-07-2006, 05:46 PM
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tully, i have no idea how that icon got on my message to you. it certainly was not intended to get there. i must have pressed it by mistake.

please be assured i took your post very seriously.

jane
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Old 01-07-2006, 08:48 PM
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Thanks for your words!!! I just want to hide his behaviors to my family and friend because if they knew the would not support me being with him!
Thanks again!
Laura
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Old 01-07-2006, 11:44 PM
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I would check with someone and see if the car and insurance can't be put in his name now. Sell it and let him take a cab or bus, is that possible.???
If drinking they should not have access to a car. I know if they can buy one then no one can do anything about it except report them to the police if know they are drinking.

Was he talking about wanting or needing a car when you first met???
I am not saying he is a bad person, but the alcohol is in charge, and will be in charge till they are sober for many months.

It is your home and your car, what was he doing before he met you, was he with someone that provided a home and a car??

WE females manage to get ourselves into deep doo doo I am thinking.
Sorry, Just my thoughts, but if you have only been involved for 2 years and no childern I would suggest getting out of this. It gets worse and a long long road, even if and when they find recovery.
Alcohol is cunning, baffeling and powerful. No on wins in my opinion.
Take care of you. Also not good to hide things from family and friends. or think you are hiding it, usually everyone in town knows who has a drinking problem.
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Old 01-08-2006, 01:31 AM
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Originally Posted by TULLY
I just want to hide his behaviors to my family and friend because if they knew the would not support me being with him!
Do you know that for sure? You said earlier that you come from a great family. Perhaps we have different definitions of "great"....... To me, a great family lets us make our own decisions, helps out when asked and loves us unconditionally. I know how scary it is though, Laura - it took me months to open up to my family and I know they are all the things I describe. I think I was afraid that admitting the problems to them meant admitting them fully to myself. My family were nothing short of wonderful, btw.
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