Please help with children & breakup
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Please help with children & breakup
AH and I have had a series of reasonable conversations and today he has been looking for rented accommodation.
This evening my eldest son was in floods of tears begging him to stop drinking so that I won't throw him out. He sat there with a can of lager in his hand saying that it is not his drinking it is my irritating habits. I honestly could kill him sometimes. I could feel anger welling up inside me. I have accepted that he is not able to change or fight to stay in our marriage and that he really genuinely believes that he hasn't really got a problem (denial). However, watching my son trying to reason with him and reading out all the criteria for alcoholism listed in the Independent is heartbreaking.
My son is terrified of what is going to happen - he is blaming me and saying I haven't tried - he keeps telling me that I have to give dad another chance etc. This is unbelievably heart breaking.
I am definitely going to go through with this but I have promised my son that if his dad does stop drinking and address his anger problems etc then I would think about trying again but that I have to go through with what I have said I will do as our problems have been going on too long. I have tried to explain that our family life is not like other people's and that we will all be happier apart. I have tried to explain that I have tried and that I have been unhappy for a long time and that I am doing what I am doing for the good of all of us his father included but really a 13 year old boy who has never lived in an non-alcohol affected family is never going to understand.
Anyone who has been where I am now please help me with this, I know what I'm doing is the right thing but I can't stand what this is doing to my children. Am I wrong to give them false hope by saying that if dad stops drinking etc I'd stay - I don't know what to say for the best - GOD I HATE ALCOHOL AND WHAT IT DOES TO FAMILIES.
This evening my eldest son was in floods of tears begging him to stop drinking so that I won't throw him out. He sat there with a can of lager in his hand saying that it is not his drinking it is my irritating habits. I honestly could kill him sometimes. I could feel anger welling up inside me. I have accepted that he is not able to change or fight to stay in our marriage and that he really genuinely believes that he hasn't really got a problem (denial). However, watching my son trying to reason with him and reading out all the criteria for alcoholism listed in the Independent is heartbreaking.
My son is terrified of what is going to happen - he is blaming me and saying I haven't tried - he keeps telling me that I have to give dad another chance etc. This is unbelievably heart breaking.
I am definitely going to go through with this but I have promised my son that if his dad does stop drinking and address his anger problems etc then I would think about trying again but that I have to go through with what I have said I will do as our problems have been going on too long. I have tried to explain that our family life is not like other people's and that we will all be happier apart. I have tried to explain that I have tried and that I have been unhappy for a long time and that I am doing what I am doing for the good of all of us his father included but really a 13 year old boy who has never lived in an non-alcohol affected family is never going to understand.
Anyone who has been where I am now please help me with this, I know what I'm doing is the right thing but I can't stand what this is doing to my children. Am I wrong to give them false hope by saying that if dad stops drinking etc I'd stay - I don't know what to say for the best - GOD I HATE ALCOHOL AND WHAT IT DOES TO FAMILIES.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
My son wanted to rip my head off because of the way I was treating his mom.
Al Ateen may be the best thing for him. It will give him an outside source of the infomation you have given him.
dad drinking is denial.
dad drinking is something only he can change, another chance won't change him, he needs change him.
dad's behavior is not proper and it isn't healthy.
You didn't cause it, nor did your son.
You can't stop it, nor can your son.
Dad and dad alone needs to find the answers and correct his own behaviors.
I moved out. I went as far as filing for a divorce. Was separated for just over two years. I found the cure, we stopped the divorce and We have gotten back together. It is up to dad to find a way to fix things. There is hope but the ball is in his hands.
Al Ateen may be the best thing for him. It will give him an outside source of the infomation you have given him.
dad drinking is denial.
dad drinking is something only he can change, another chance won't change him, he needs change him.
dad's behavior is not proper and it isn't healthy.
You didn't cause it, nor did your son.
You can't stop it, nor can your son.
Dad and dad alone needs to find the answers and correct his own behaviors.
I moved out. I went as far as filing for a divorce. Was separated for just over two years. I found the cure, we stopped the divorce and We have gotten back together. It is up to dad to find a way to fix things. There is hope but the ball is in his hands.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thanks for the response Best
I have accepted that there is nothing I can do to alter his problem which is why I want him to move out. My son however has not had the benefit of the counselling and help that I have and is raw and open to the lies and manipulation including blaming me and not the drinking for our problems.
He even told my sons tonight that the reason he has no patience with them and yells at them is because I make no effort to discipline them and someone has to - sons agreed - sucked in and believing his every word. They think that if the appease him and stop him being angry then I'll see he's a nice guy after all!
Part of me wants to go downstairs and lay into him verbally about what a sh*t he is being - I have worked hard on detaching from his manipulation & know that it's all BS, but to see him reeling my son in like a fish on a line is making me really mad.
Next weekend he is looking at some houses - I'm sure this is all bluff too - I have got to stay strong if it kills me.
He even told my sons tonight that the reason he has no patience with them and yells at them is because I make no effort to discipline them and someone has to - sons agreed - sucked in and believing his every word. They think that if the appease him and stop him being angry then I'll see he's a nice guy after all!
Part of me wants to go downstairs and lay into him verbally about what a sh*t he is being - I have worked hard on detaching from his manipulation & know that it's all BS, but to see him reeling my son in like a fish on a line is making me really mad.
Next weekend he is looking at some houses - I'm sure this is all bluff too - I have got to stay strong if it kills me.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
My son + I went thru this when he was a young child.
Then, not quite 2 yrs ago, he and I were faced with telling his daughters that their grandpa (my husband/son's step-dad) wasn't coming back. The girls were 3,4 + 6yo. (Alcohol led to stupid behavior which led to prison.)
Stay strong.
Keep it simple, in words and concepts.
Be HONEST - even if it causes tears - theirs OR yours or both.
Stay strong.
Be patient. It's not going to be immediately understood or accepted. That's ok. Be prepared to be answering the same questions over + over - over a period of days/weeks/etc.
Be calm and matter-of-fact.
Stay strong.
Give hugs + lots of reassurance that YOU still love them and wil not leave.
Saying "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" is ok.
Try to keep the info as age appropriate as possible.
(My g-girls didn't need to know that 'Papa' is in prison - just that he is sick and had to go away.)
Stay strong.
You ARE doing the right thing.
You ARE doing the best thing for yourself.
You ARE doing the best thing for your children. Yes, it's hard on them, but YOU as their mother, know better than they do what they NEED.
Ala-teen as well as some sort of counseling would probably help a bit. No, it's not going to be an immediate 'fix', but maybe will be a beginning to them understanding.
Perhaps the biggest thing that can help is for them to see the positive changes in their mother. Actions speak so much louder than words.
You owe NO ONE ANY APOLOGIES. NONE.
You are the mother, it's your JOB to do whatever YOU THINK IS BEST.
NO ONE has the right to question that. Not your AH, not the children. It can be that simple, if you let it.
("simple" does not mean "easy" - unfortunately)
As far as explanations to the children?
"Daddy is sick. He needs to go away so he can try to get better."
Why can't he stay HERE and get better?
"I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't work that way."
Why did you MAKE daddy go away?
"I didn't."
I've found that keeping the answers as SHORT and as SIMPLE as is humanly possible helps alot. (for both sides)
Be truthful. Don't be guilt-tripped.
Hang in there!!!
Brightest Blessings,
Blue
Then, not quite 2 yrs ago, he and I were faced with telling his daughters that their grandpa (my husband/son's step-dad) wasn't coming back. The girls were 3,4 + 6yo. (Alcohol led to stupid behavior which led to prison.)
Stay strong.
Keep it simple, in words and concepts.
Be HONEST - even if it causes tears - theirs OR yours or both.
Stay strong.
Be patient. It's not going to be immediately understood or accepted. That's ok. Be prepared to be answering the same questions over + over - over a period of days/weeks/etc.
Be calm and matter-of-fact.
Stay strong.
Give hugs + lots of reassurance that YOU still love them and wil not leave.
Saying "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" is ok.
Try to keep the info as age appropriate as possible.
(My g-girls didn't need to know that 'Papa' is in prison - just that he is sick and had to go away.)
Stay strong.
You ARE doing the right thing.
You ARE doing the best thing for yourself.
You ARE doing the best thing for your children. Yes, it's hard on them, but YOU as their mother, know better than they do what they NEED.
Ala-teen as well as some sort of counseling would probably help a bit. No, it's not going to be an immediate 'fix', but maybe will be a beginning to them understanding.
Perhaps the biggest thing that can help is for them to see the positive changes in their mother. Actions speak so much louder than words.
You owe NO ONE ANY APOLOGIES. NONE.
You are the mother, it's your JOB to do whatever YOU THINK IS BEST.
NO ONE has the right to question that. Not your AH, not the children. It can be that simple, if you let it.
("simple" does not mean "easy" - unfortunately)
As far as explanations to the children?
"Daddy is sick. He needs to go away so he can try to get better."
Why can't he stay HERE and get better?
"I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't work that way."
Why did you MAKE daddy go away?
"I didn't."
I've found that keeping the answers as SHORT and as SIMPLE as is humanly possible helps alot. (for both sides)
Be truthful. Don't be guilt-tripped.
Hang in there!!!
Brightest Blessings,
Blue
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: between a rock and a hard place
Posts: 24
bluemoon,
thanks i needed that.
staying strong is the key. and being simple.
thanks again.
loopylou, bm is right- i've been told your kids deserve to have at least one sane parent. i have given too many chances and my AH is even sober (3 months) but the insanity and behavior has not changed.
if i don't save myself, my children will be lost.
dad doesn't live in reality and will blame anyone he can for it.i've been the blame for almost everything that has gone wrong in our family and it kills me to hear my AH say things like he can't put up with ME anymore that he's been trying for years???? i've come to accept that maybe that's true who could stand a raving lunatic? what they don't understand or care to admit is what they did to make us this way. again not living in reality (denial) . only your AH is capable of changing himself.
i think it's ok that you told the kids that if dad stops drinking and gets some help with his issues that you would try again. i think we are teaching our kids a life lesson on how to not walk away from your problems and that everyone deserves a second chance if they are really going to work at it. i refuse to teach my kids that running is the answer. that keeping your feelings and your problems bottled up is no good. because sooner or later that bottle gets full and we put a different bottle to our mouths and release the build up and then we look back and all we have is a bunch of bottles filled with problems that need to be dealt with. the key for me is dealing with their issues, too many times i have given chances because the drink was gone- but the issues were never dealt with and the drink came back (the bottle was full) . i have caused my children great pain and lead them to false hope because i wanted it to be fixed so bad . we live and learn and sometimes i'm a slow learner but i finally get it.
stay strong and be honest. i always say " the truth will prevail".
thanks i needed that.
staying strong is the key. and being simple.
thanks again.
loopylou, bm is right- i've been told your kids deserve to have at least one sane parent. i have given too many chances and my AH is even sober (3 months) but the insanity and behavior has not changed.
if i don't save myself, my children will be lost.
dad doesn't live in reality and will blame anyone he can for it.i've been the blame for almost everything that has gone wrong in our family and it kills me to hear my AH say things like he can't put up with ME anymore that he's been trying for years???? i've come to accept that maybe that's true who could stand a raving lunatic? what they don't understand or care to admit is what they did to make us this way. again not living in reality (denial) . only your AH is capable of changing himself.
i think it's ok that you told the kids that if dad stops drinking and gets some help with his issues that you would try again. i think we are teaching our kids a life lesson on how to not walk away from your problems and that everyone deserves a second chance if they are really going to work at it. i refuse to teach my kids that running is the answer. that keeping your feelings and your problems bottled up is no good. because sooner or later that bottle gets full and we put a different bottle to our mouths and release the build up and then we look back and all we have is a bunch of bottles filled with problems that need to be dealt with. the key for me is dealing with their issues, too many times i have given chances because the drink was gone- but the issues were never dealt with and the drink came back (the bottle was full) . i have caused my children great pain and lead them to false hope because i wanted it to be fixed so bad . we live and learn and sometimes i'm a slow learner but i finally get it.
stay strong and be honest. i always say " the truth will prevail".
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Loopylou, I have two sons from my 1st marriage. When their Mother and I divorced my oldest was 9 and youngest 2. There were no addiction issues surrounding the break up of the marriage but we made sure the oldest went into counseling. It turned out to be a good move because he would open up to the Therapist about things he wouldn’t or couldn’t talk to us about. Divorce is hard enough on kids without an addiction problem in the equation. My second marriage ended because of my ex wifes alcoholism and fortunately we had no children together. BUT... her children, (my three step children) are having a very hard time dealing with their Mothers addiction as you can imagine. There's no doubt they could benefit greatly from outside therapy and support groups. If I had any "legal say so" about their emotional and mental health I would see to it. Unfortunately it's out of my hands, but that's not the case with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thank you everyone for the support.
True to form OH in all innocence asked me this morning why I was sleeping in a different room & "Did we have a row last night?". I have said very little other than the boys were very upset - to which he responded that that was my fault.
He is out with my eldest son at a football match at the moment. He has left a message on my mobile saying that he thinks I should give it one more chance and that whilst he realises he drinks too much I need to start being less cold towards him as he is quite tempted by the idea of leaving and finding someone else.
I am beyond speechless TBH. He so obviously is not getting the message that I want him to leave & that I'm not changing my mind. I know that this is just another tactic but I just don't understand how he hasn't heard what I've been saying.
I know I am being sucked into mind games and that I need to just keep repeating that I want to split and not get into any conversations other than that. I wish my sons could understand that I am doing the best by all of us by doing what I'm doing and that to change my mind would be signing us up to another x years of just going through the motions of living. At times when he is not drunk live is bearable - that is as good as it gets. We all deserve to be happy - my husband included.
I am thinking of getting counselling for both my boys - I went through a similar childhood to them except my dad was very violent towards my mum. I was anorexic & bulimic in my teens & have had a string of awful relationships mainly with men who drink & are emotionally/verbally abusive. I didn't get counselling until just over a year ago and know that it has really helped me to make the decisions about my future happiness that I am making now. I don't want my sons to accept unhappiness & seek dysfunctional relationships when they are older so I am fully intending to get them help and support as soon as I can.
True to form OH in all innocence asked me this morning why I was sleeping in a different room & "Did we have a row last night?". I have said very little other than the boys were very upset - to which he responded that that was my fault.
He is out with my eldest son at a football match at the moment. He has left a message on my mobile saying that he thinks I should give it one more chance and that whilst he realises he drinks too much I need to start being less cold towards him as he is quite tempted by the idea of leaving and finding someone else.
I am beyond speechless TBH. He so obviously is not getting the message that I want him to leave & that I'm not changing my mind. I know that this is just another tactic but I just don't understand how he hasn't heard what I've been saying.
I know I am being sucked into mind games and that I need to just keep repeating that I want to split and not get into any conversations other than that. I wish my sons could understand that I am doing the best by all of us by doing what I'm doing and that to change my mind would be signing us up to another x years of just going through the motions of living. At times when he is not drunk live is bearable - that is as good as it gets. We all deserve to be happy - my husband included.
I am thinking of getting counselling for both my boys - I went through a similar childhood to them except my dad was very violent towards my mum. I was anorexic & bulimic in my teens & have had a string of awful relationships mainly with men who drink & are emotionally/verbally abusive. I didn't get counselling until just over a year ago and know that it has really helped me to make the decisions about my future happiness that I am making now. I don't want my sons to accept unhappiness & seek dysfunctional relationships when they are older so I am fully intending to get them help and support as soon as I can.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: between a rock and a hard place
Posts: 24
great idea ooal. i don't see why counseling would hurt the situation.
also i have learned that when we make a decision we need to follow through with it or our A's use it to their advantage.
good luck and you and your boys are in my prayers.
also i have learned that when we make a decision we need to follow through with it or our A's use it to their advantage.
good luck and you and your boys are in my prayers.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
